Inconsiderate??? Or Overreacting???

[Manhattan]

Hi Girls!

This is my first time posting in this thread. A bit about me, I have been off BCP since Jan 08, had 4 AF's, then nothing for 8 months, and in that time was diagnosed with PCOS. DH and I were not actively TTC, but we also weren't trying to prevent anything from happening either. To cut to the chase, our FS wants us to try IUI to start with.

Most of our family know what's going on and what we have been through and what we face. Today however, when speaking to my brother (who i work with) about starting work late during the IUI cycles, he said I would be in a better position to ask for time off if I were up to date with my budget, and perhaps should look at that first before speaking to my boss. I said to him that that I would go regardless and asked if he knew what i meant. He said no. He then proceeded to tell me that when it comes time for him and his fiance to have children that they might just do IUI too cos its easier, and could they could have designer babies that way. I was totally gobsmacked! I really dont want to talk to him about what we are going through anymore. His attitude today has really been an eye opener!

Do you think I am overreacting??? Am I taking what he said the wrong way?

Thanks for taking the time to read my (long) post. Any thoughts on how to deal with such issues would be greatly appreciated.

x

[alipetrina]

Hi,

I just read your post and had to reply because I couldn't believe how insensitive your brothers comments were. That must have been quite hurtful to hear, especially coming from a family member.

In my experience I have found most people are very supportive, but they cannot fully understand what you and your partner are going through unless they have been through it themselves. But to make comments like your brothers is just not nice. He should hope that he doesn't end up with infertility issues!

I'd put him on the "need to know" list i.e. unless he needs to know something regarding your cycle, don't discuss it with him.

Keep your chin up and remember that what you and your partner are doing is amazing.

Regards,
Ali

[briggsy's girl]

WOW - i'd be fuming at my brother if he said something like that! my family have been amazing with understanding - and what they don't understand, they ask. they shut down ANYONE that tries to be "funny" about it - in fact, even i get "the look" if i make a sarcastic comment sometimes

FWIW - starting late if you can get your appointments early in the morning is the best option. as we discussed on msn, sometimes the response your body has isn't predictable til you've done more than once cycle, so you don't want to take a week of leave (as an example) and find out you can't fit your IUI in that week for whatever reason... i had a flexible employer that allowed me to start late after BT's, or swap days (i was part time) to fit in with my treatments which helped heaps

[Manhattan]

Thanks for your support Ali and BG......I'm still reeling from what he said, and when I told DH last night, he couldnt believe it. I'm glad it wasnt just me that thought he'd overstepped the mark with his comments!

I am going to do what you suggested Ali and put him on the "need to know" list. I'm actually thinking about putting pretty much everyone on it except for my mum. Both of our families know what is going on, but i dont think they will need to know exactley where we are at during a cycle, and i especially dont want to get any "are you pg yet" phone calls!

BG, will try and get the early morning appts, I'm pretty sure my boss will understand, its just that I didnt really want her to know i'm trying, so still trying to figure out what i should say to her.....any suggestions, or should I just tell her straight out???

Thanks again girls

[briggsy's girl]

BG, will try and get the early morning appts, I'm pretty sure my boss will understand, its just that I didnt really want her to know i'm trying, so still trying to figure out what i should say to her.....any suggestions, or should I just tell her straight out???

Thanks again girls

really depends on your relationship with your boss to be honest. i did, for a while, just say i had medical appointments and then showed up with med certs - but they showed they were from FS (i think it said reproductive endocrinologist so it wouldn't take them much to work it out) so i fessed up - we were having trouble, i was having tests and procedures, some would be short notice, some i could plan around work - but i'd need flexibility. i never actually told them what part of a cycle i was at - it was simple "got a test in the morning, i'll be late" or "got tests tomorrow, won't be at work" (we had 220k round trip for u.s and any hospital related stuff!) - they were pretty good with it. i ended up speaking at length to site supervisor about how IVF worked (he should never have asked a hormonal chicky for details!) so he was the person who basically told my direct supervisor she wasn't to cause me any issues. even when i told my supervisor at the time that he was "f'n pathetic" at doing his job, supervisor backed me up!

[Manhattan]

BG, I didnt even think about the Medical Certificates

I have a good working relationship with my boss, but not really on a personal level. In my favour though, she is a partner of the firm (so I only have to report to her), a woman and a mother, so I figure will be more understanding.

And lol "he should never have asked a hormonal chicky for details"!

I guess I will take the wait and see approach now. Not 100% sure when we are starting treatment, and what time of day tests etc will be at, so still have a little time up my sleeve.

Thanks yet again BG for answering what must be at least my 100th question by now!

x

[briggsy's girl]

i would be talking to your supervisor NOW rather than waiting til treatment starts - that way, if she's going to play hard ball, you're not under the influence of hormones when dealing with her

you don't have to be out there in telling her what is happening. you can simply say that, after a specialist appointment recently, you've been made aware that you'll be needing follow up testing and treatment in the next few weeks or months and need to know how flexible your current role is. if she asks what treatment, you can either be honest, or say you'd rather not discuss it. ask if they will NEED med certs, if you can work flex time etc. get it all out there early so that it's not a major inconvenience to her when it does come up - she knows in advance it's something that will be happening soon kwim

[Hollybolly]

Oh Hun xxx

I completely agree with BG in terms of telling your boss now & seeing where you're at with her & how flexible the situation is going to be with her... if you leave it until you've already started, it may not be the best.

The drugs you'll be taking are just not good as far as keeping yourself calm - everything is magnified with the hormones, and its just a big enough challenge on its own without having the extra hard work of trying to decipher how your boss feels about it all...
Definately talk to her beforehand so you know what you're in for

As far as your brother goes - far out, sometimes I feel so much pity for the ignorant
Its very difficult for someone who has no idea to understand your situation... but not very difficult to appreciate it & be sensitive towards you going through it

I'm sorry your brother said what he did - and you can only toughen up & take your own & Ali's advice to make a 'select' list of who you want to discuss things with from now on.

Big hugs for you & my very best wishes for your upcoming treatment xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stay strong, hun - the end result will be worth the struggle I promise

[Manhattan]

Ok girls, you have convinced me to talk to my boss before I start treatment. My next FS appt is on Tuesday, so I will know more then, and will speak to her on Wednesday. TBH, I'm really quite nervous about it, oh well, it has to be done!

Hollybolly, thank you for your kind words and wishes. I know the end result is going to be worth it, I guess I just find it hard to stay strong when everything else in life continues on at a million miles an hour. It would be so much easier if I didnt have to worry about work and other comittments....ah wishful thinking really!

Thanks for the continued support, I dont know what I'd do without my BB girls xo

[tk1999]

Manhattan, I just wanted to add a quick "I can't believe your brother said that"

You know I am always here for you if you need to catch up/vent/offload - MSN, BB and you have my mobile number - any which way you want to contact me I am here for you

xox