I'm struggling and just need some understanding

[*becstar*]

Last night I felt SO sad Watching 'packed to the rafters' didn't help either, lol

I've made it clear that I would like a 4th child. DH is adamant he does NOT. I had been thinking in the back of my head that he would come around.....but after recent events with jobs and housing I really don't see that happening.

It boils down to the same old thing which I know isn't uncommon. My head says that yes financially and given whats happening at the moment it makes no sense to have another child. But it's my big old heart that aches

Yesterday I know I was Oing, which then sent me downhill.....just thinking about the opportunity that is being wasted....stupid I know!! But still.

I know he is right but I'm just having trouble learning to live with it IYKWIM? I feel like I need grieving time or something. Just because he says no doesn't make the ache go away.

So when DH came home I thought I could tell him what was causing my foul mood, and just get some understanding. But when I even tried to tell him all he heard was 'another baby' and just got mad.

Am I really being over sensitive and stupid??

[mrsmac]

I am wondering atm if that longing goes away. I would love a 4th child but after trying for a year and nothing then now having a mortgage and no money (and my age) I realise that its not going to happen and it HURTS.
So sorry I have no advice just I know how you feel
I just try to live for the now and not think its never, just think its not right now.

[*becstar*]

thankyou

I know in a few years maybe it will change and I won't want another, once the kids are in school and I am working....maybe.......

I'd be thinking it's not a no forever......but I think it is

And you are right....it HURTS

[Ilithyia]

I'm 25 this year and I already mourn the day when its decided that we have "enough" children.

I might also add that every month, around O time, I get extrememly clucky. Then once O'ing is over. Rationale steps back in and I realise that right now in my life, I have too many other things to concerntrate on.

I'm not sure how old you are, but maybe like you said give it a few years and you might still have the opportunity to have another baby.

If its meant to happen, it will happen. Think of all those little "oops" babies out there!


Feel better soon hun!
x

[*becstar*]

I'll be 28 this year Our plan was to be done by 30.

It's the oops thing that gets me!! I have an IUD in....so given it's working well any oops isn't going to have a good result anyway. I got it because I knew that if I was on the pill or depo I'd just not take it or not get it done....as much as that's what I want I couldn't do that to DH. It's his life and his family and his decision too.

My first wasn't really an oops, we led family to believe he was but he wasn't (shhh!). DD was an oops, purely from our own stupidity but that was OUR stupidity together. My baby took me 12 months to get. Because our first two were so close I wanted my kids to be fairly close in age, so in that line of thinking we'd need to get cracking, lol.

Ah welll it's not to be......I just want him to understand that it's not that simple for me. I need to give it time and work through it.

[ubba82]

I have spoken to my mum about this. She is 50 and wouls still like another child. She said it is never going to happen, but that feeling never goes away.

[Liz]

I had a similar thread about my biological urge and whether it ever goes away.

I still hold on to shreds of hope that DH will come around. It hurts me too much to think that this is it So until his definite no becomes an adamant no, I still talk about 'next time'.

Usually when I have a bad day with the kids or something he throws it back at me that I'd never cope with 3, so we're definitely not having another one.. other times I almost get the feeling he's entertaining the idea of 3. So I have highs and lows at the moment.

But I totally understand how you're feeling, and I think if you explain it to him the way you have here about needing to grieve the fact that there's no more babies he might understand a bit more. Try and talk to him when it's not O time tho! I think they need to understand that we have that biological urge & desire, and it's not an easy thing to overcome.

*hugs* to you.

[rosehannah]

I am adamant that I only want the three that I have yet there are times when I think ...just one more would be nice... I think it is because I love having little ones around, it makes me feel special and needed, I can imagine that you would feel that longing much more intensely since you haven't come to that decision yet. I try to focus on other things in my life that I enjoy like sport or getting a part time job. On the other hand maybe your DH just needs some time without you mentioning it to mull things over in his head. You know that he is aware of your wishes.

[Visitor8]

hugs hun. I'll have a chat to you soon k hunni. fak atm.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Hmmm, I'm not happy to read that he gets 'mad' at you for bringing it up, chicky.
I'd like to see you go to a counselling session together - sounds like you need a mediator so that he listens to what you're saying, he'll have to mirror it and if he gets the message screwed up again, the counsellor can help him understand what you're saying, not how he feels about what he thinks you're saying (he can talk about that after you've had your turn!).
Does that make sense? It's causing you so much hurt that it's only fair he do this for you, just so that you don't feel the door close on feelings that are very important to you and do put an end to this damn 'getting mad' crap - that's unwarranted and makes things worse, and quite frankly, I'd like to find him and slap him upside the head for copping out and just shutting you down like that.

[~clover~]

I'm the one here saying no. More coz I'm the sensible one & I have to say no to myself.

I'm so clucky & while I tell everyone I've got my boy, I don't need anymore, I quietly would love to have another new born in my arms. To get that BFP again. Every minute of it, every sleepless night, every pooey nappy & colicky moment!

If I could guarantee another boy (I get really severe ms with girls) I would go again, but its simply not that easy!

I think its more coz I've said 'thats it' that it makes it harder iykwim.

[Liz]

hmm.. I agree that you both need to talk and get it out there without anyone getting mad. Explain to him what you've said here, that there's going to be times you're really going to feel the desire for another, but that you are trying to come to terms with the reality of it not happening. And ask him to help you ride it out, explain that it's not you begging for another, just needing reassurance that you have a great, happy family already, and that it's complete.

I can also see both sides though. Just as we see the men shutting off and getting mad if having another baby is mentioned, it goes both ways, that us women can talk about it all the time and be overly emotional about it, which can be just as frustrating and invalidating of their feelings. They can think the door is closing on feelings they have that are important too... that they don't want another baby.

So I think the air needs to be cleared and a decision made, and then he needs to understand that you may need help dealing with that decision.

(argh.. I sooo don't want to take my own advice. LOL.. I'm planning to negotiate for a little while longer )

[Smoke Jaguar]

Liz - great point, I did mean to elaborate on it but I had an appointment looming!
When he gets a chance to sort through and articulate his own feelings about it, you'll be able to see it more than just him 'getting mad', and after letting it out together, he might not see the need for 'mad' anymore. Like Liz said, he'll then be able to help you ride it out
All the best!

[*becstar*]

Thankyou!!! that is exactly what i was looking for, just to tell him about it and that I respect his feelings and I do agree with my head, but I can't just shot the feelings off and i need him to be patient and understanding that I'm going to get frustrated that my feelings and reality collide!!

We do need to chat, you are very right on that.

Thankyou I don't feel like such a nutter any more

[mrsmac]

Honey you have bags of time!!! You can have that late baby that is much easier cause the other kids help.

[Inertia]

Oh, i can relate with the mad bit. The good thing about that is it gives me a little insight (finally after world wars 3 through 33).

When I try and discuss my feeling that are being caused by a decision made that was primarily his, a wall used to go up with him. This massive defensive wall and all hell broke loose. As quiet as possible for 3am. I get insomnia when I stress and breakdown when I become too tired, which wakes him up and then HE asks whats wrong, and gets defensive when I tell him. It was utterly frustrating because it was a never ending cycle.

The reason he got like that: It hurt him to be told his decision was hurting me, and he was protecting himself from that guilt.

You need to diffuse all guilt before any meaningful conversation can take place. I hope this helps you because it took us 5 years to realise why this cycle kept going. Its because I never felt it was resolved, and he felt it was because it kept him protected from the grief I felt which he felt responsible for.

[Smoke Jaguar]

You need to diffuse all guilt before any meaningful conversation can take place.

I think that's critical! Guilt in a person so often manifests as anger, because they resent feeling guilty and culpable...when an open conversation would dissipate a lot of that feeling of culpability!
Understanding that it's not their 'fault' is probably a huge stepping stone here, but worth the effort of getting to that point.
Excellent point, Mags

[Floweryfields]

Last night I felt SO sad Watching 'packed to the rafters' didn't help either, lol

I've made it clear that I would like a 4th child. DH is adamant he does NOT. I had been thinking in the back of my head that he would come around.....but after recent events with jobs and housing I really don't see that happening.

It boils down to the same old thing which I know isn't uncommon. My head says that yes financially and given whats happening at the moment it makes no sense to have another child. But it's my big old heart that aches

Yesterday I know I was Oing, which then sent me downhill.....just thinking about the opportunity that is being wasted....stupid I know!! But still.

I know he is right but I'm just having trouble learning to live with it IYKWIM? I feel like I need grieving time or something. Just because he says no doesn't make the ache go away.

So when DH came home I thought I could tell him what was causing my foul mood, and just get some understanding. But when I even tried to tell him all he heard was 'another baby' and just got mad.

Am I really being over sensitive and stupid??

I understand where you are coming from - to just be able to discuss why you are feeling the way you are with your husband would be a great help so that at least he might get where you are at.

I am 33 and still waiting to meet Mr right to have any children with and every part of me aches for it - all your wonderful baby stories make it even worse! (maybe I should stop coming here but it's so addictive!).