Access visits question.

[catherinemoses]

My FIL has had a lot of trouble recently. MIL has divorced him and I believe she has married someone younger than my DH (whole other thread...I don't even want to go there).
MIL has the kids (4 younger ones ranging in age from 14-10). FIL has just been thru a court proceeding to get visits with the kids which he is allowed to do once a month. His first visit was supposed to be this weekend. He had to fly and then meet them in Townsville (he is on the Sunshine Coast). Only MIL and her guy were there. Apparently the kids didn't want to come. FIL called someone about this and they said go and try and talk to the kids. The kids apparently said that they didn't want to go with him cos they didn't want to be taken away from their youth group and their friends and their jobs. The end result is he is now back at home without having got to spend any time with his kids. The poor guy is absolutely gutted.
I guess the main reason I'm posting this is to ask, can the kids say 'no we don't want to see him (and my BIL too)'. It seems to me as if they have been 'brainwashed' by MIL and or the new guy. Just really feel for my FIL as he is doing the best he can and is being given a raw deal everywhere.
I hope this makes sense.
Thanks

[BrightSparkles]

I could be wrong so PLEASE don't quote me.
When my parents went through a similar thing i was told at the age of 12 i could choose whether or not i wanted to go. I chose not to go.
I don't know if this is right or if it changes state to state.

I hope things get sorted soon.
xx

[Doing my best]

I have no idea on the legalities, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you FIL. Surely if the kids didn't want to see him, you MIL would've known this earlier, and she could've told your FIL before he flew there to lessen the heartache..

I would really be encouraging him to talk to the children, and see when they don't have any events on with the youth group etc so that he can visit and spend quality time with them.

Hopefully someone else can help with the legal side!

[mumofmany]

Is it a parenting agreement or court ordered visitation?

If it's a parenting agreement, not legally binding.

If it's court ordered.. i think (like jennjorja) that there is an age that they can say "idon't want to go".. but i thought it was more like 16.

[catherinemoses]

Is it a parenting agreement or court ordered visitation?

If it's a parenting agreement, not legally binding.

If it's court ordered.. i think (like jennjorja) that there is an age that they can say "idon't want to go".. but i thought it was more like 16.

Court ordered I believe. I would've thought it would be more like 16 too.

Thanks Heather and Jenni

[Lulu]

Even if they were too young to decide legally, sometimes you really must take into account the way the kids feel (even if it is just for now).

Yes, it's pretty likely there could be some badmouthing of FIL, but by the same token sometimes all the children can see is that daddy has left them. Maybe this new guy is a total dork and they are ****ed at daddy cos they are stuck with some new bloke at the dinner table.
Also, if they have jobs and strong social lives it is also fair to say that they just want their own space cos it's a teenage thing.

So many things could be going on, maybe even all four!

Actually, even though I was in my twenties I was still taken aback to see mum seeing a guy and oh FARK, her first BF after dad was seriously the biggest DORK...

Anyhoo, I think its worth saying if your FIL insists on keeping as much contact as is possible - it might take time to readjust the relationship with the kids and it can be uncomfortable, but I think its worth it in the end.

In my time working with Centrelink so I saw a lot of families breaking up. Quite often I would deal with a beaming man whose children decided they would rather live with him - and it was those men that wouldn't put up with crap and insisted on being a part of their childrens lives, or at the very least very accessible to them, so they could come to them when they were ready, and if they wanted to.
It's broadly speaking I know, but I know it made a difference to their lives when they found it hard to be between parents, but if they weren't pressured everyone was a winner. If one parent remains impartial whilst the other is slagging them off, the kids won't want to feel like they are in the middle and will really appreciate that.

I learnt alot there and it really shapes the way I deal with my ex and a co-parent.

Just my 1500 cents

[catherinemoses]

Yes, it's pretty likely there could be some badmouthing of FIL, but by the same token sometimes all the children can see is that daddy has left them. Maybe this new guy is a total dork and they are ****ed at daddy cos they are stuck with some new bloke at the dinner table.

Just my 1500 cents

Lol, thanks Lulu. I think the problem is that the new guy is just like a brother (as I said, he's younger than my DH) and totally 'cool' and not like their grey old dad

Dad didn't leave, mum did and that is the sucky part to me. Parents crap should be between them, unfortunately that is never the way it works.

He definitely wants to be a part of their lives but has had to deal with not even knowing where they are or being able to contact them at all. It has taken so long for court dates and stuff to come round that they no doubt feel like they have been neglected, but not for lack of trying on FILs part.

SIGH, such a sucky situation.

[Laiceysmummy]

The rule is that from the age of 12, the kids opinions are taken into consideration however if it has already been decided by the courts that he can see the kids then it is the mothers responsbility to make sure the kids are there.

Even if they dont want to go.

If she doesnt make the kids go then she is technically breaking the court order. From the age of 16 the kids can say they dont want to go and the mother doesnt have to make them go.