Not coping after losing Max

Hi Batty and welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry for the loss of Max - I am still weeping after reading your son's and your story. I wish I could just hug you - so please feel the support I am sending you... :hug:

I am appalled at the usupportive and insensitive way you were treated - this is just awful and I feel so sad when I read of stories such as yours. Unfortunately we live in a community that just does not understand death and grief.

Take all the time you need to walk through this journey - there will be many many times where you will doubt you will ever be okay again - but please believe that you will. It takes time lots of time to begin the healing. But in time you will again smile again - it all takes time.

You have found a wonderful community here on Belly Belly of women who will walk with you as you navigate your way.

Sending you love and healing... :hug:

oh, thats heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and your dh. Although you're not religious, may some higher power keep max safe for you.

Hi Batty :hug:

Good on you for trying to keep occupied.. it does hlep to get up and about and give yourself a little task to do each day, even if its just as simple as going to the shops to buy milk!

I am astonished by your shocking lack of care and consideration by the Gp and radiologist!! That is shocking and i dont blame you for not wanting to go back to that practice!! Do you have a normally good relationship with your GP that wasnt there that day? Had you been seeing the same Dr for 15 years? Even though he hasnt answered your call- maybe just book an appt with him anyway- or if not- go and see someone else and just take all your records with you- book a double appt and hope you get someone nice- perhaps if possible make it with an Obstytrician.

The radiologist i saw first was a bit the same- the same as you- my fluid was low- (this is becuase at this stage our boys were drinking the fluid up- but due to lack of kidney were not processing the fluid back out) and he knew something was wrong- very wrong- but wouldnt tell me a single thing- but i knew it was bad- coz they sent me to a larger town about 45 mintues away for another scan with a specialist- who thankfully was very nice and kind and understanding- but that 45 minute car ride was hell- not knowing WTF was going on- but knowing that something wasnt right.

When i got to the specialist radiologist he did another scan and explained to me about his kidney- and that also his bowel had not formed properly- or his bladder. It was put to me- that he would not make full term- and that sadly surgery would not help- and then he gently explained that i would need to deliver him - but that he would not survive. I had to then go and see an OB who gave me the referal for the "termination" ( a word i HATE to use when i think of my baby) but never saw my local GP until afterwards- though he had been contacted and knew what had happened.

I am glad that your DH and BIL and SIL were understanding- your will find that there will be people who "dont think" you will be upset- or if you are that it wont last long- just make sure you let DH know how you are feeling- and while its good to start to feel better- its just important not to rush it and do it at your own pace- not because other people think you should be "over it" already. And yes- you can very much get "baby blues" and full on PND after a mid term loss- your body is in chaos right now- hormones that were rattling forward preparing for your baby have been grinded to halt all too fast. Just like your heart and mind- your body was expecting your pregnancy to keep going- and its been cut short- no doubt your milk came through- even if they gave you that tablet- you still would have gotten some discomfort- it will take a while for your body to accept that its all over and get back to normal- and that includes your hormones- which play a huge part on PND. Besides the bleeding obvious- that yes you are going to also be very upset by the fact that you lost your baby- so do watch yourself- and take it all one day at a time- there is nothing to be ashamed of if you do find you get PND, just dont be afraid to seek out help from your gp- and as you already are- from the councilor through your work.

I hope you had a good time re arranging your furniture- take care- if you want or need to chat- i have msn- or pm me any time
xoxoxo

Hi Batty - I am so sorry to read about your beautiful son Max and the pain and heartbreak you are experiencing since his passing. You will find wonderful support amongst this forum and many people who understand your grief.

We lost our first baby Nathaniel last December. At the 20 week scan we discovered he had passed away around 15 weeks. They never found any chromosomal abnormalities and I have had many tests done since on me and all were clear. Once again it appears that his passing was just 'one of thos things'. It makes it hard to understand how a baby can just leave, and I understand the darkness and grief that is currently consuming you. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. You only just lost your son, so you need to explain to your DH that you still feel the pain deeply and that you need him to support you. I believe that the loss of a baby is the loneliest grief as so many people just can not understand the depth of our grief.

Firstly, yes you can suffer post natal depression after a midterm loss. My mother and DH were both worried that I was suffering depression after loss. We contacted SIDS and they offer a free counselling service at your home for late term losses and stillbirths as well as SIDS. It helped me immensely to have a counsellor come out and talk to both DH and I, and explain that I was not depressed but simply going through the normal grieving emotions. Having someone validate my grief really gave me a feeling of empowerment and the ability to ask for time and understanding.

With your DH, I think it is important to keep open communication with him. My DH was very supportive but we still had some terrible fights and often misunderstood each other. He admitted to me that he felt that Nathaniel and I had our own special team and that he was not part of it - I explained to him that we both desperately wanted him to be there with us and that we needed him. This was a turning point for us and I think it allowed my DH to understand better that I needed him more than ever. Also as already mentioned, take your time with seeing people and babies. You will know when you are ready for this. I honestly believe that most people will understand and if they don't, than is simply means that they lack compassion.

Please take care and know that Max will always be with you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your baby boy is in a safe place and is looking after you each and every day. As you can see I am pregnant with my second baby - a little girl, so good things do come and there is always a glimmer of hope in the darkness. :hug:

We lost our little girl Laila, last week to the day. I still can't believe it to be real. One minute we are excited for our 1st sonogram to find out the gender and the next they are telling me I have to let go. I am so angry, I feel so lost. I feel like a blanket of grief is thrown over me at random moments and I cannot get from under it. I want to stay under here and not deal with the world their questions, looks or words of sympathy. My house is filled with flowers that make me feel like it is a funeral home. I just want to still be pregnant, I want my little girl back. She was so beautiful, long graceful fingers and perfect lips. I just don't understand and don't think I ever will. It is just so unfair. I am in so much pain but don't know what to do with it. Batty I am sorry for your loss. I believe your husband just wants you to get better. Sometimes they feel so helpless in how to help us. I know mine was.I have been blessed with a husband who has been there for me. I almost forgot that he was in pain to. Now I know we are going through this together.

Oh Darling

I am so so sorry - I know how you feel - We lost Charles at 18w5d and my heart is breaking for you. Your husband is most likely in a world of pain and just wants to fix things and he can't. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. For the first 4 weeks after losing Charles I felt like everything was happening to someone else. Your mind is dealing with losing your child and your body has been through an enormous amount. You still have all of your pregnancy hormones. Honey these things take time and you cannot feel like your DH is frustrated with you I am sure it is not the case.
We are all here for you
Adelexx

Hi Batty

Just checking in to see how you are going. :hug: Thinking of you- we are all here if you need to vent or want to talk

Take care
xoxoxox

Thinking of you too batty :hug:

Hi Batty

I have not been on for a while but I do know how you feel. We lost our son Zachary at 35wks5days. He was stillborn and they don't know why. Even the autopsy revealed nothing. I find that I still have days when I cry all day (and it has been 11 weeks since Zachary died). I am finding that there are more babies around than ever and I try avoid going out if I can. It hurts so much to see babies.

My sister has 2 kids and her youngest was born in March. I found that I couldn't talk to her or see her kids on Skype for the first couple of weeks as I could not handle seeing them. I felt guilty but at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. I have learnt that I have to look after myself as everyone else has their own life and often don't know what to say so they say the wrong things. Give yourself as much time as you need, cry whenever you want to - I do.

I am here if you want to chat. I hope you are feeling a little better (even though I know things will never be the same).

Love
Theresa

Hi ladies,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've read each of your replies and really appreciate the kind words and support. I still cry several times each day but I'm doing my best to keep busy, even if it's just doing something like mundane tidying up the linen closet. I don't have very much to tell you except that we brought our baby's ashes home on Wednesday. We have him resting between the pillows on our bed so if he needs us, we're right there...

Re: GPs - A colleague recommended a lady doctor to me and I've got an appointment to see her next week. I'll also arrange for my ex-GP to forward my notes to her so I don't have to go back. My sister has been seeing the same GP for almost as long and she is now looking to go elsewhere as she has noticed that he has been very complacent about her healthcare (she has PCOS).

:comfort:Batty, hold Little Max close- take care xoxoxo

I have Zachary's ashes at home too in our bedroom. We can say goodnight to him every night that way. Take comfort from that - I know I do. I have been doing a crazy clean today to keep my mind occupied. I hope you can get some comfort and support from our words. Take care xx

Just a quick update. I've seen a new GP - she was brilliant and I'm so glad I've made the break from my old doctor. She's happy with the way I've healed postpartum but very concerned about my moods. I've had another very low week, and spent much of it hiding out in my office crying. She referred me to a bereavement psychologist and I've got an appointment to see her on Friday but at $190 per session I don't think I'll be able to afford many sessions. The doctor was also concerned that I was told the genetic testing results would take three months so she is going to call the hospital on Monday and see if she can find out something. I was also told that the current waiting list is 8+ months for genetic counselling but she seems to think she could get me in right away as an urgent case.

The only thing the doctor couldn't really tell me is when it would be ok to try again. I've been told that I should wait for one cycle, three cycles or just wait until my body tells me I'm ready. The doctor said she'd make enquiries and let me know.

(Edit: I've just found the TTC after late loss section on the forum -- time to hunt down some answers!)

Hi

Glad you are feeling more confident with your new doctor. I have had an up and down week. Some days I wonder where it all went so wrong and why it had to happen to me! I get angry and then really sad. I miss my little boy so much and every day I wish he was here.

I am starting back at work fulltime on Monday and I am so scared. I still find I have days where I have no motivation to do anything and now I am going to have to go to work whether I want to or not. It is scary!

I hope you are getting stronger. Just know I am tyhinking of you and sharing your grief.

Love and hugs
Theresa

I can completely understand what you are going through. Please remember that you need to take care of YOU. If this means crying all day, sleeping, hiding away or talking about it you need to do it. You need to get through this initial grief anyway you can. However, for the long term please consider professional assistance. Whilst you will get yourself through the grief in the short term it is something that will always be with you.

Re DH's behaviour, his role is protector and provider and he can't do that at the moment. This hurt can come out in frustration or lack of understanding. It's his way of dealing with it. My husband was exactly the same. So whilst it's hard to ignore it please don't take his behaviour to heart as he is dealing with his hurt in his own way.

Take very good care of yourself

Im so sorry for your loss :hug:

Reading your story made me want to cry myself.

How devastating.

I lost a little girl at 18wks but we found out she was gone at 19wks 5 days, i had her at 19wks 6days.

The most important thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. I didnt do this proparly and i paid for it, and still am really.

The men seem to be able to pick themselves up fairly quickly after. I found this with my DH. I was upset because he didnt seem upset anymore. He said he was but its not like it was for me, for him. He said he didnt carry her etc so it was different, but he understood why i was so upset still and he was supportive of me. Try to have an open line of communication with your DH about this, its important that you support each other during this time.

Its good that you have found a good dr. The grief counselling is extremely important, i didnt get this and i realised later how much i really needed it. It was meant to be offered to me through my hospital but i got lost in the system.

You talked about feeling like you wanted to do something for your baby. I was the same. I bought a ruby pendant that i normally wear on a necklace all the time. (We named her Rubee) A few months later DH bought me another ruby pendant, but this one is a ruby in the middle of a heart. I also have ruby studs for earrings. I also scrapbooked an album for her, which i found very therapeutic. I havent finished it yet (3yrs later) but i am starting to feel like im ready to look at finishing it. I put her scan pics, hand and foot prints, cards from friends, pictures of the garden she is in, anything i had that is about her is in her album.

Sending you lots of strength and wishing you all the best for the future :hug:

Hi Kristi,
I love the ruby idea. My husband said that he had intended to buy a piece of jewellry for me when our baby was born and we talked about it again and have decided to have a ring made using Max's birthstone (sapphire) and we'll have it engraved with his name and birthdate.

I had my first session with a bereavement counsellor on Friday. I wish I could say that I got a lot out of the session but to be honest, she really didn?t tell me anything that I didn?t already know. She wants to see me again and I will go but essentially she said that I need to grieve (yep), that no one can tell me that I?m grieving for too long or too much (ok), and I need to give myself some space to grieve (right-o). Ultimately, it?s going to take time.

For now I?m putting my energy into knitting some outfits to replace the ones that were given to my little boy. Seeing him dressed and being able to hold him wrapped in a blanket was very special and I would like to give that back to someone in the same situation.

Oh Batty,

Be kind to yourself. I lost my darling boy at 28 weeks, doctors tell me it was just one of those things, a blood clot on my placenta. That was on the 28th March 2008.

Not one day goes by that i do not think of him. All your feelings of anxiety i too can relate to. My sister in law gave birth to her third child on 10 August 2008. I have not been able to see her or her child yet. I avoid going out to functions, however i am getting better.

I want to give you advice that will solve everything, but there isn't. Surround yourself will supportive people. One's who will listen and not give advice, as they just don't know.

I only took two weeks from work, i believe that it was good for me because it did get me off the couch.

I attend a support group organised by SANDS, it helps to talk to people that do know how it feels.

My partner and i are blessed to be expecting another boy on 1 March 2009. I am so nervous. I know it sounds odd or negative but i can't stand seeing pregnant women, i just want to tell them of all the bad stories, and them to feel a little of what i am going through and not to be so happy.

Because of our experience my partner and i have been unable to enjoy the pregnancy, we don't want to go out shopping for him, or plan for him. We just want march to come. I just want to replace the nightmare of childbirth, having a sleeping baby, to having a crying baby.

However, i draw my strength from the knowledge that many women before me have had to endure what i have gone through and they have gone on to have healthy happy babies. I must remember that as unfair as 28th March was to us, it can't happen again.

once again Be Kind To Yourself. If you have any reservations about going out and socialising, stuff it, people understand. you are not letting anyone down.