Not coping after losing Max

[batty]

My husband and I lost our baby almost two weeks ago. We found out at the morphology scan (by reading the report in the carpark) that our baby had bilateral renal agensis which is 100% fatal. I was induced following a second scan and our beautiful son Max was born on 23/9 (19w5d). His little heart kept beating for over an hour and all I could do was hold him. His skin was so translucent and he was sticking to the blanket a little. I was so scared that I would hurt him or tear his skin -- I just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved. I've never felt so helpless, all I could do was hold him in the blanket and wait for his tiny chest to stop rising and falling.

We don't know how or why this happened to our baby -- he was completely perfect in every other way. I was so careful having had previous early miscarriages - I took vitamins every single day, I didn't touch caffeine/alcohol/drugs/etc. I ate lots of fruit and veg, got plenty of rest and some gentle exercise. I just can't accept that it's "just bad luck" - how unlucky can one person be? The hospital has ordered chromosomal testing but we have been told not to expect any results until the end of the year.

In the days after his birth, I was plagued by the overwhelming feeling that there was something I needed to do for him and it was tearing me apart. While I'm not at all religious, I felt so guilty for not thinking to have him baptized before he died. The social worker at the hospital was able to arrange for pastoral care to bless our baby the following day but this didn't take those feelings away. I really wanted to bring our baby home so we made private funeral arrangements and our little boy was cremated on Wednesday. I'm now waiting for the funeral home to call so I can collect his ashes and finally bring him home.

I have had some good days and some bad days following his birth but today I feel as bad as I did on the first day. I've cried the whole day away, I feel very emotionally flat and so very hopeless. My husband is frustrated with me, he is trying very hard to help me but I think he's had enough of the tears.

I don't know what to do.

[Lisa]

Oh sweetheart,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little man Max. My heart is breaking for you. I also induced when my baby Noah was diagnosed with numerous problems with his urinary tract. It has been 2.5yrs and not a day passes where I don't think about my baby. The pain is easier to bear now, but it is still there.
Noah's problems were also put down to "bad luck" and I have since gone on to have a healthy little man. Please be kind to yourself. Cry all day if that's what you need... scream, shout, get mad... everything you're feeling you have every right to feel... there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
I just wish I could give you a huge big hug and let you know I am here for you. I am here for you... I can be contacted on my email address in my profile if you ever need to talk. There are also loads of supportive and loving women on here who have been through losses who will be here for you too, if and when you need them.
Sending you loads of love and warmth. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Lisa
__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

[~mamaspice~]

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Just know that it is perfectly normal to have good and bad days so please do not beat yourself up about having had such an emotional day today. You and your husband will deal with this in different ways.

BB is certainly a good place for you to be right now. There are plenty of people who are here for you.
One of my good friends had her twins early at 25 weeks and one passed away 6 weeks later from kidney failure. She has a litle spot in her garden with a seat and flowers where she goes whenever she needs to think about/talk to Beau.
You too will find your own way of honouring your beautiful boy Max.

Big to you, and take care.

Tamara

[all girls]

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what else to say but there are some fantastic people on this site that can tell you how they managed their pain just take each day at a time.

Don't think that you did anything wrong it isn't your fault sweetheart. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

Rest in peace little Max xoxo

[Je$$_84]

Oh Hun i have tears streaming down my face... I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish i could just give you a big hug... I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling. To hold your baby until he passed must have been the most heart breaking thing in the world.

I dont know what to say but just know he's in a better place without suffering now. Look into the sky and find the brightest star... I believe its our loved ones looking down on us. It may help to talk to him up there and let out your emotions.

You could get a white ballon (helium filled) Go somewhere special and you and some close friends and family could say a few things and you could release the balloon Like a release of the emotions.

Nothing will ever take away your pain and i really wish there was something that could. I think talking about your feelings is a great step... There is a thread about loss here where you may find some confort from others who have been through similar things.

Again so sorry for you loss hun.. RIP little Max...

[jmmum]

Your husband is most likely not frustrated with you and your tears. He probably feels this is not something that he can fix. He probably wants you to feel ok but knows you can't at the moment and most likely niether can he. Just be gentle and loving to each other share your sadness, tears and heart ache.

[diannescruffy]

Hi hun,
So very sorry for the loss of your precious Max. This is such an emotional time for you and your husband. Let yourself grieve, if that means crying, screaming any way you know how. The pain doesn't go away buy you somehow learn how to deal with that pain. Hold your little boy close to your heart. My heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Dianne

[prama]

sweatheart, i have tears streaming down my face.
my biggest hugs for you... i'm so sorry for your loss.
Little max knew what it was like be held by his loving mummy, and he had those precious moments with you.

your hubby, probably isnt tired of your tears, as jmmum said he's probably wants to make you hurt less but he can't.. and he's hurting too.

Rest in Peace, little Max
xoxoxoxxo

[Muffy]

i just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved.

that is beautiful.
i cant even begin to imagine what your feeling right now.
i agree with what jess said, about the balloon.
it is ok to cry, to get angry and to scream. those are all normal emotions and please dont think you have to hold them in to please other people.
i cant put into words what im feeling for you right now, if you ever need to talk you can PM me, i will be more than happy to listen!

[Laila's Mom]

We lost our little girl Laila, last week to the day. I still can't believe it to be real. One minute we are excited for our 1st sonogram to find out the gender and the next they are telling me I have to let go. I am so angry, I feel so lost. I feel like a blanket of grief is thrown over me at random moments and I cannot get from under it. I want to stay under here and not deal with the world their questions, looks or words of sympathy. My house is filled with flowers that make me feel like it is a funeral home. I just want to still be pregnant, I want my little girl back. She was so beautiful, long graceful fingers and perfect lips. I just don't understand and don't think I ever will. It is just so unfair. I am in so much pain but don't know what to do with it. Batty I am sorry for your loss. I believe your husband just wants you to get better. Sometimes they feel so helpless in how to help us. I know mine was.I have been blessed with a husband who has been there for me. I almost forgot that he was in pain to. Now I know we are going through this together.

[dellydoo]

Oh Darling

I am so so sorry - I know how you feel - We lost Charles at 18w5d and my heart is breaking for you. Your husband is most likely in a world of pain and just wants to fix things and he can't. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. For the first 4 weeks after losing Charles I felt like everything was happening to someone else. Your mind is dealing with losing your child and your body has been through an enormous amount. You still have all of your pregnancy hormones. Honey these things take time and you cannot feel like your DH is frustrated with you I am sure it is not the case.
We are all here for you
Adelexx

[~StarBright~]

Hi Batty

Just checking in to see how you are going. Thinking of you- we are all here if you need to vent or want to talk

Take care
xoxoxox

[Lisa]

Thinking of you too batty

[Zachary's Mom]

Hi Batty

I have not been on for a while but I do know how you feel. We lost our son Zachary at 35wks5days. He was stillborn and they don't know why. Even the autopsy revealed nothing. I find that I still have days when I cry all day (and it has been 11 weeks since Zachary died). I am finding that there are more babies around than ever and I try avoid going out if I can. It hurts so much to see babies.

My sister has 2 kids and her youngest was born in March. I found that I couldn't talk to her or see her kids on Skype for the first couple of weeks as I could not handle seeing them. I felt guilty but at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. I have learnt that I have to look after myself as everyone else has their own life and often don't know what to say so they say the wrong things. Give yourself as much time as you need, cry whenever you want to - I do.

I am here if you want to chat. I hope you are feeling a little better (even though I know things will never be the same).

Love
Theresa

[batty]

Hi ladies,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've read each of your replies and really appreciate the kind words and support. I still cry several times each day but I'm doing my best to keep busy, even if it's just doing something like mundane tidying up the linen closet. I don't have very much to tell you except that we brought our baby's ashes home on Wednesday. We have him resting between the pillows on our bed so if he needs us, we're right there...

Re: GPs - A colleague recommended a lady doctor to me and I've got an appointment to see her next week. I'll also arrange for my ex-GP to forward my notes to her so I don't have to go back. My sister has been seeing the same GP for almost as long and she is now looking to go elsewhere as she has noticed that he has been very complacent about her healthcare (she has PCOS).

[~StarBright~]

Batty, hold Little Max close- take care xoxoxo

[Zachary's Mom]

I have Zachary's ashes at home too in our bedroom. We can say goodnight to him every night that way. Take comfort from that - I know I do. I have been doing a crazy clean today to keep my mind occupied. I hope you can get some comfort and support from our words. Take care xx

[batty]

Just a quick update. I've seen a new GP - she was brilliant and I'm so glad I've made the break from my old doctor. She's happy with the way I've healed postpartum but very concerned about my moods. I've had another very low week, and spent much of it hiding out in my office crying. She referred me to a bereavement psychologist and I've got an appointment to see her on Friday but at $190 per session I don't think I'll be able to afford many sessions. The doctor was also concerned that I was told the genetic testing results would take three months so she is going to call the hospital on Monday and see if she can find out something. I was also told that the current waiting list is 8+ months for genetic counselling but she seems to think she could get me in right away as an urgent case.

The only thing the doctor couldn't really tell me is when it would be ok to try again. I've been told that I should wait for one cycle, three cycles or just wait until my body tells me I'm ready. The doctor said she'd make enquiries and let me know.

(Edit: I've just found the TTC after late loss section on the forum -- time to hunt down some answers!)