Road to sterility - Part 2 of a 3 part vasectomy journey
The big day
When I initially rang and booked, the guy ran through quite a few questions ? surprisingly none about my reasoning behind getting it ? excepting to caution me to think of it as being permanent. He did talk about how I was thinking of travelling there, and more to the point, how I planned on getting home. I told him I planned on riding my bicycle (but hastily added I didn?t expect to ride home again).
?Are you serious? You?re gonna ride your bike? How cool is that. Hang on? I?ll see if I can get you some sort of discount?.
He couldn?t ? but I appreciated the attempt.
I had some timelines before the event. I couldn?t take any painkillers other than paracetamol for two weeks prior. (Especially ibuprofen, although that would be a close personal friends a few days after the event). This was a slight sacrifice because I did try out the special brews made for my birthday a few weeks beforehand. Tried them out quite a bit, in fact. Some tablets the next day would have been nice. Two days prior, I was to avoid alcohol. OK, I managed two calendar days, if not 48 hours. Hmm? actually, perhaps I didn?t drink for breakfast. I was also instructed to wear two pairs of tight-fitting underwear. Keeping the ?boys? all nice and tight, both pre, and of course, post-procedure, helps things a lot.
So yeah, cycling worked out to be a pretty convenient way for me to get there, so that?s how I went about it. Rode to work (like I usually do), and then about an hour before my appointment, I left to ride to the clinic. It was only a twenty-minute ride, but I didn?t want to be rushed, and I wanted time to relax beforehand. So I enjoyed my last ride for a few days at least, locked the bike up and headed in.
I filled in some paperwork and made the rest of the payment. I?d arrived early, and so had the guy before me, so the woman at the desk informed me I may get done a bit earlier than my appointment. I SMSed my partner that I would be going in soon, so that she could drive over to pick me up (after getting sorted at home, and dealing with traffic, I?d probably beat her out).
I was just onto the next chapter of the novel I was reading when I heard, with a slight accent,?Cory??? I looked up and a guy in a white coat motioned me to follow him. Gulp ? this is it. I had a short interview with Dr Andrei. It was essentially the same stuff that I?d been told on the phone when I rang, and from my internet research, and from the brochures handed to me when I walked in, but I went through it all anyway. He also gave me some suggestions with respect to post-operative activity. He noticed my helmet and he thought I?d be back on the bike within a week. The key one he said was to do as little as possible this afternoon, and if I could wangle it, have 10mins on and 10mins off with ice packs for as long as I could be bothered ? until bedtime would be great. We ascertained I had not more questions, so he again motioned me to follow him.
?Leef your teeshirt und socks on. Eeeverythink else off. Put wan of zees gowns on?.
Walking into the room, I had a slight feeling of dread. Not because of what was just about to happen, but because of what it looked like. Dentist-like chair. Dentist-like light. A really good way to get my anxiety going.
Dr Andrei motioned me into the chair, and set about putting together a collection of a inordinate number of implements, liquids and dressings ? especially when you consider the physical size of what?s about to happen. He then picked up one HUGE set of forceps. WTF is THAT for!? Oh, he was just getting the sterile ones out of a bag with them. Phew!
At each step, he told me exactly what he was doing. He suggested I?d need a shave (one of the things they tell you not to do is to do this yourself ? can cause irriation and/or infection). So, he got a new disposable razor and went to work. He got some tape and wrapped it around his fingers a few times, and used that to clean up the hairs.
Next, I was cleaned. Some solution of some type in a small dish. Positioning me this way, and that, as he cleaned quite thoroughly. I?ve gotta say, I now have a slight insight into what it must be like when the fairer sex have to have people prodding about down there. It?s quite weird.
Then came the blue sheet with a quite demoralisingly small hole. He positioned the sheet over me, and made sure I was all settled.
?Ahm now goink to position your right testicle?
He then told me he was going to start with the local anaesthetic. (Turn away now if you?re already a bit squeamish. He said I?d feel a slight *****. And I did, in the dead centre where the scrotum attaches (I think? It was sort of hard to tell). In any case, I?ve had far worse zipper incidents. It really didn?t phase me at all. Shortly after that, again with a warning it was then right in the nut. OK, not enjoyable, but again, much less than a badly judged tennis ball cover drive.
It was about this time that you really noticed the local had taken. There was some dull tugging/movement sort of sensations down there. But that?s about it.
?Owkayee. Zat?s wan?
What? Already. To prove it, I was confronted with a 3cm piece of whiteish, fleshy tubing in a pair of forceps dangled in my face. OK - I wasn?t quite expecting that. If you?re thinking it looks like what you see in one of those medical TV programs, then you?re right.
Next, the cauterising laser. It?s not often you smell your own flesh burning. Not that it really bothered me, but lets just say it?s not something I?m in a rush to smell again .
?Owkeyee, und here?s zee utha wan?. Again ? showed me the proof in the pudding. A few more tugs and pokes?
?Und now weer all done?
He told me that he was going to spray some glue (there was a slight tingle) and then apply a dressing.
I was told I could stand up. A few seconds after I did, that slight tingle from the glue was now rapidly becoming a massive burning sensation .
?Err, that?s almost burning now, just the glue yeah??, I asked, sheepishly, trying to put on a brave face while someone was holding a magnifying glass in the sun to my nuts.
?Dah, just zee glue, will be feenished in five minutes? was the response. Damn? I was hoping for two?.
I glanced at the clock. From walking into the room, to leaving, it was a quick twenty-two mins.
I carefully, gingerly put on my two pairs of underwear and then tentatively, my jeans. Leaning over to tie my shoelaces was ?fun?. Then, all I had to do was wait out the front to be picked up. As I left, I received the ?knowing nod? from a few other blokes in the room (inc. the one who was done before me ? obviously still waiting for his lift).
Unfortunately, my partner discovered the car had a flat tyre the hard way, but managed to borrow the next-door neighbour's to come and get me. The trip home was a bit harrowing ? but more just the crosstown traffic than the road?s undulations. Although, I do remember asking that she take the speedhumps with slightly less vigour.
From getting home at about 4pm, until when I went to sleep that evening, the one thing I did adhere to was rotating 10 min sports gel/frozen peas on and off. (I just set a 10 minute timer on my mobile ? it?s amazing how quickly 10 minutes go by). The anaesthetic does give you false sense of security, but I think the five hours of icing, as well as some nice codeine, meant that I was back to work the next day, and allowed for quite a speedy recovery.
But more on that from the next, and final instalment.
My DP's Vasectomy story - share with your DPs (Part 3 Added)
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