Aww Geez...what do I do??????

Yeah, Fi my sister said the same thing. One of her friends mums really made a difference to her when she was going through some crap. I was worried I wouldn't have the time nor resources to give D what she needs, but sis reckons it was just having someone there - and that I can do.

Yep. And you know what, I reckon having someone bothered about you who is NOT your blood relative is almost more powerful because they don't have to but obviously must think that you're worth it.

So good luck - I think you're wise to go with a trial first and see what happens. But it might work out a lot better than you first thought.

You are an amazing woman Lulu and I hope things go really well for you, D and DD.:D

:hug: Lulu - we can go on this ride together, because I'm right where you are at - but its my niece.

Shiat V!

It really sounds like you are the only sane one there...

Ok, finally spoke to D directly. She is staying at a friends across the road from her dads and has been sneaking into the house when he is at work to get her things. He wouldn't let her stay in the bungalow out the back and threw out the older sis that was living there.

Apparently they went to see some rellies and had an argument in the car, the dad went on to tell all the rellies what a terrible kids she was and they were awful to her. She refused to talk to any of them, and was already refusing to talk to her dad since he hurt her on the way there. When they go home he hit her again so she ran across the road and has been there since. This was in November. She found somewhere else but that sounded terrible.

Her mum knows about everything but said D can't stay with her because she doesn't want to get involved. Hmmm. The mother lives around the corner from here now. I'm not terribly impressed, but at the end of the day I don't think living with the mum, her new BF and a possible drug issue is a good idea either.

She is coming over on Sunday so we can talk things through a bit, then we might start floating around some boundaries etc. She has had no money this entire time but has an appt with a Clink social worker at 9.30 Thursday so I will pick her up and take her there. I'll get every number available for help. It will be expected that she does attend whatever I can get her into.

Hmm, better start thinking about some rules. Got anything for me girls?

BTW I do have the unit out the back, but it needs a new door. I think I will have them both sleep in DD's room, but they can have the unit to hang out in, watch telly etc. The will need their own space and I can't have too many distractions when I'm doing the bedtime routine.

I don't know how much to ask D for board. I wish I didn't have to ask but I can't afford to feed another one! I only want to cover her food and maybe $5 a week for the electricity.

Rules is a hard one, you don't wanna be too over the top and make rules she can't possibly abide by or be more lenient on her than you are on your own kids. Would she be expected to help out iwth cleaning and cooking?

Maybe just explain to her that while she lives iwth you she'll be treated exactly the same as DD, all the rules that apply to DD apply to her as well. Work out whether she'll be returning to school or getting a job and make her stick to her decision to do either one of those.

I have no idea what to advise on board, I'm sure you can both come to an amicable agreement on that, but I do agree she should pay her way towards food and bills.

AH babe your a champ!!!

Board sounds like a great idea...gets her use to the 'real world' and having to deal with not getting everyting for nothing. That way to she will respect you more rather then give her free accomadations ect. Id say $50 a week babe...its fair, you'd probably be feeding her that much in food. Later when your DD is getting austudy Id probably introduce the same thing with board...even if yo jsut put it in a bank account for when she's 18..its a good way to start giving that little bit of responsability and slowly introducing then both to the real world

Go to a scalvage yard for a new door babe...or the trading post. you can get a cheap security door from bunnings for about $150 with lock. **** if we lived closer you could lend you jed so he could fix the little things up.

Id make one of the rules that they have to keep the bungalow clean and respectable. If they dont keep it clean then you keep it locked adn they arent permitted to go in there. Use it for your leverage babe. Id even chuck one night a fortnight babysitting in there too so you can get a break when you need it.

Again...where the hell were you when I was 15???

I agree, similar rules to your DD - but perhaps some different too. I'd really suggest a review every month or so, even with an independent person, where you can revise any rules that aren't working.

And agreeing to abide by your rules. She's not a completely separate renter, she's an honourary family member, which makes you honourary carer, which means she goes by your rules - curfews, chores, permissions. If she doesn't like the rule - she can suck it up until it's time to review or something..and then try to negotiate for something different.

I'm pretty tired, so hope they made sense. I really hope this works out for everyone Lu, because it's such a special thing you're doing.

rules - she helps with normal "chores" - set up a schedule for her and DD - if she's going to be living as a member of your family, she nees to respect that.

$50 a week in board is reasonable - with DD being 16, that's about the amount of FTB you'd be getting for her - so i guess you could say "look, i could claim you as a dependent under FTB while you're living with me, or we can get you independent status, but you'll pay the equiv in board"

if she doesn't pull her weight chores wise, board goes up accordingly. as has been said, she's essentially coming into the house as an honarary family member - she should respect that.

if she's not going to school, she meets all obligations for youth job seeker - she spends at least x number of days per week (maybe 2) full on pounding the pavement looking for work.

if you drive her any where for appointments - she foots the fuel bill - you're not made of money, and if she doesn't want to public transport it, she foots the bill.

she can't mess with your DD's schooling - when school goes back, if she's still living there - she will have to respect that DD has homework, and remove herself from the area until DD has finished it - if this means she watches TV in the bungalow while DD works, so be it - it will be incentive for your DD to stay on top of her game

make her have the same curfew and rules as DD - and if she breaks them, make sure there are serious punishments that she knows in advance. as essentially her guardian, you need to make sure that every action has an appropriate reaction

if she plays the "you're not my mum" or equally annoying cards when you enforce rules, let it be known that you'll only take it once - then you'll be on the phone looking for alternate accommodation for her

alcohol rules apply to her as well as DD

if she runs up bills (internet or phone) - she pays them

ummmm, damn, i can't think what else! i had a friend (15) that was going to move in with me a few years back in similar circs - we sat down and had a huuuuuuge talk about rules and expectations - she thought it would be a chill out session away from her parents. i set out what would be expected of her, and made it clear that i wouldn't take any disrespectful crap (i had known her since she was born, knew how obnoxious she could be, but also knew she was growing up and her parents weren't respecting her as an adult - i'd btdt myself). in the end, she talked it through with her folks, and they changed their rules a bit to treat her more "adult" while still having rules so it didn't happen - but we were ready to write up a boarders agreement....

Good on you lulu, you're such a champ.

When i was 18 a friend of my little bro's, A, who was 16 at the time was in a bit of strife. Unsupportive family, abusive bf etc. My mum took her in under our roof and she lived in my room with me. She was there 4 months and then i moved out with a BF and she had my room to herself for another 6 months. It worked out really well, my Dad has alot of rules and regulations and A just fitted right into these. Infact she showed me up, helping out with all the cleaning and making me have to pull my finger out! lol
She had finished yr10 and wanted to get a hairdressing apprenticeship, she stayed with mum and dad until she was back on her feet, got some self confidence back, found work and could afford a little place of her own. She never finished her apprenticship, not her thing, but she did find work and got herself sorted. She is a very happy almost 30 year old and still like my other little sister and 4th child in the family.

I know this sounds a little like a fairy tale, but in all honesty she bought more to our family than we would have imagined. Definately more good times than bad in my memory banks anyway.

Thanks everyone for your help.

I'm just starting to think about the practical stuff. She will need drawers, washing basket, doona etc. Better start combing St Vinnies for the drawers etc.

hun it might mean a trip down here (shock horror) - but we have some furniture i'm sure we can give up. no bed at this point, but we do have drawers that have been earmarked for the shed cos we have no other use for them (and they're not NEEDED in the shed). ummm we have an old book case that prolly just needs a coat of paint (if i can get DH to empty his crap outta it). can't think what else but i'm sure it will come to me if you let me know what you need... have a heap of single bed (i think) flanelette sheets sitting in a box to go to st vinnies as well. no doonas that we could part with, but maybe a couple of bean bags (not sure if DH is set on keeping them or not - they live on the top bunk at the moment - but might see more use once gremlin arrives)

i have an armchair and couch you can have lulu if you want it for that back room. It has some horrid floral material but nothing a sheet wouldn't cover up! It is a solid timber frame, it is a decent quality couch just a bit ugly! It is begging for a new home, be happy to get rid of it. Yours if you want it and i'll even deliver! ;)

d'oh! now you're making me feel bad for making lulu come get it :p

Lulu, it might be worth you joining Freecycle too. People are giving away heaps of stuff and you can request stuff too. You do get loads of emails to wade through (like 100 a day sometimes) but it's no great hassle to just delete the ones you're not interested in.

:lol: BG. Nah i have a ute and a trailer and it's only just down the hill! Maybe i should come pick the stuff up from your place too! lol

loong way outta the way for you falguni!

we have a ute too - but i wouldn't trust it on a Melb trip - it's a little on the unroadworthy side

just spoke to DH - the drawers are all yours if you want them hun -just need warning of when you're coming to get them so we can gut them!

Oh cool! I do need an excuse to get up there BG

Well thanks to my sister who has filled my double garage with her furniture, I'm ok for couches and chairs. I already pinched her drawers for DD!

YOu guys rock! You really do xoxoxoxox

in all honesty it's YOU that rocks - we're just helping you a bit...

Lulu hon - I'm a bit slow on the scene, but just wanted to let you know that you're awesome. You really, really are.

Let me know what you need - and I can get my church onto it too. :)

:clap: Lulu you are an absolute champ!! I would be taking her grocery shopping with you and asking her what she is likely to eat. Do 1 round just for her and then when you go back do the rest. The amount that she thinks she will eat will be the first trip and I expect that would be a smaller shop.

Do you have a bar fridge in the bungalow? If she is thinking that the first shop is enough for her, then let her have the bar fridge for that week, and if she runs out then maybe review the board level. After you have worked out exactly the level of board then put it all together and continue with it at that level.

If we were any closer I would say take some wardrobes!! we have 3 taking up space in the garage that I need to get rid of!!

Bella will take cues from D and if D tells her that it is not worth going through what she is going through then I think Bella will stay in school. I think Bella can see that D is learning a lot of life lessons and Bella is learning from what her friend is going through. I think if Bella sees that you are trusting her to do what you ask while supporting her friend, then she is more likely to pull her head in and feel more independant without acting up.

O...M...G

What a mess this is. Took D to Clink today, DHS is already involved with the case and have made an assessment. I think the father says its ok for her to come home, but then he tells D he will call the police if she does.

Where she is staying is ok, L (friends mum) says she can stay as long as she likes. Problem with that is its across the road from Ds house, the mum is a drunk and has a thing for D's dad and calls him to come over all the time. The house is spotless though! The mum has a friend with autistic kids and she comes over to get drunk and leaves the poor kids for D and T to look after....yadda yadda yadda you get the picture.

Now I can see the point that Ds dad is happy with D being across the road....but the mothers is sweet on him so I think he is using her a bit (and being horribly nasty to D when he is there) because L isn't claiming any $$$ for her. She doesn't work so I don't know how she can afford to keep a teen long term without financial support if I cant. Its all really gross.

I did have a chat with L, and I get the feeling she would prefer D to stay with her for obvious reasons. D's dad is heading for a heart attack by the sounds of it, but he is still a w@nker. I made it clear that D could stay with me subject to rules etc and that she will go to school etc etc etc. I got the feeling by the end that L will try to keep D there and its going to be hard to D to say "well you drink cask wine all day long and hit on my dad so it's just not going to work out". Furthermore D's dad has had an issue with DD and I, he won't be happy if she comes here, so I also made it clear that I didn't give a rats what he thought about me (eyebrows raised on that point), that when D is staying with me she will be properly cared for and thats all he needs to know.

D wants to go back to school, is happy to get herself there and back, doesn't mind helping out at all (apparently its a cakewalk compared to home) and totally understands why I won't allow her family here, or friends until I get to know them. She even seemed rather chuffed when I told her I wouldn't allow her to go to parties with no supervision etc because thats DD's rules too.

I worry that I'm opening myself up to alot of drama here, mum doesn't want me to take D long term cos she thinks its too much for me. Mum loves D and has already bought her xmas pressies but I know she worries about the drama issues too..
I have told D she must take part in family mediation because regardless she needs to be able to make some sort of relationship with her parents.
I also told L that a better family situation for D is the best outcome for everyone, so I hope she passes that on to D's dad. He is going about things the wrong way, but I think he is a bit overwhelmed at having 6 kids on his own (the first 2 are right off the rails) and surely he would like NOT to lose D as well??? I won't be participating in that side of things though.

So as it stands D can move in when she is ready, I think she wanted to wait until after xmas so as not to interfere in our plans, but she now knows we have already included her anyway. I'm leaving it there right, I'm sure there will be some fallout once L spills the news to D's dad....so I'm waiting it out :o

Will call her over the weekend to see when she wants to move in. It would be so much better for her here..

you're a good person hun - you're putting yourself potentially in the middle of a nasty drama, but putting D's wellbeing above what the fall out might be.

i think you're on the mark that L is only in it to see what she can get from D's dad - if she fancies him, playing the mother role to his daughter can only help her to attract him

let us know what is happening - drawers are sitting here doing nothing if/when you need them hun!

Oh bloody hell, nothing's ever easy is it. I think sometimes the only answer is to let things take their course (a bit) and hope that sense will prevail.

I'm sure that D feels very grateful that L has taken her in and doesn't want to seem ungrateful. Maybe if L also comes to realise that having D there doesn't increase the chances of getting into D's dad's pants, she will be less keen to have her there. OR, if she does get into his pants then D will no longer serve a purpose.

In the meantime, I think the only thing to do is to be honest with D and tell her that you understand that she's in a difficult situation and that no decision she takes now is going to be perfect - someone is going to be upset no matter what she does but that she just needs to do what's best for her. And that your door is open.

Dealing with adults who are duds is the absolute pits. I find that dealing with their offspring is much plainer sailing as they often have maturity beyond their years.

If you manage to navigate your way through this mess Lulu, I'm going to nominate you to sort out the Middle East crisis next!

Its getting a bit Jerry Springer actually.

I'd say my liver would be too shot to take on the Middle East mate..

oh its fun isn't it Lulu?!???! NOT! the hardest part I think , is not the kids (for you D, for me my niece) its all the other crap - insert poor excuse for parents! - that comes with them. my DN is easy to have. and thrives on being given boundaries. its her friggin mother that sends me around the twist. I'm sure you and I could have our own jerry springer!!

I just keep disengaging from the drama, and trying to not get sucked into it. having had DN with me for nearly six weeks now, the whole dynamic of my family is needing to be looked at... i'd like to dig a hole actually and stick my head in it.

Sorry not very helpful am I? just being honest.

omg, if these people were my family I'd have my head right there next to yours hun.
better go check your blog...

She's here! WOo Hoo, I'm a mother of 4!

As expected, it didn't go down to well when she told them she was going. The same day she was accused of stealing from them and was sent a txt from the daughter telling her to f-off. I just took her to get her stuff then...and they wouldn't let her in. We stood there on the doorstep like idiots for 15 mins whilst they packed her stuff...

We got it all, and I bought a poinsetta and a thank you card and dropped it back at the door, even though they were awful. I'm glad I was standing there with her, I'm sure there would have been fireworks if not :doh:

Oh and what did she apparently steal? A chupa chup.

wtf? a chuppa chup? that's pathetic!

ok miss lulu - we have drawers here - all you need to do is tell me what day after Christmas and before new year is most convenient for us to drop it at your place - pm/sms me hun and we'll work it out.

:hug: Lulu!

A chupa chup FFS!

You are a good woman Lulu. I would have just said 'Here's 50 cents, go buy another one!' about the CC!!

hold on tight hun... the road can get rocky occasionally - But yay for you!

:rofl: Look out Lu! Lock up your chuppa chups!

You are one very kind, generous gorgeous person.

This girl will have a fabulous fetsive season being around people who love and care for her.

Huge hugs for you.

WTF re chuppa chup

Aw shucks :redface:

Don't go too overboard in your praise, I'm actually not that fabulous and my irl nickname is Bitach From Hell.

Im not really doing that much when you think about it.

The kid is not a stranger, she has been practically another daughter to me for years. She would stay on and off for weeks during the school holidays (in the primary school years), so she is used to the rythms and chaos of this place.
I have the room for her.
She's a nice kid.
I like having her around.
DD is usually better behaved when D is around.
She reminds DD that she has it lucky.
She's pretty laid back.
The kids like her - etc etc etc

Its not really that much of a stretch at all in the end. I'm sure you would all do the same. Think of all the foster carers who take in unknown children in the middle of the night and deal with the sadness and pain of these kids. Now that's cool.

On a different note I can't believe how many bags she has! I'll get back to you BG very soon about the drawers, that time frame will work really well for me :lol:

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you hunny.... Christmas will be so exciting & new & wonderful for everyone in your house this year!!! Nothing like a new situation to get everyone excited ;)

We have sooooo much stuff here you could have if you were closer... but travelling interstate for bookshelves & desks etc...... its hurting my head thinking about it :lol:

Just sending you LOADS of support & love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope you and your now slightly larger family have a wonderful xmas Lulu!!

That's ace Lulu. She sounds like a fantastic kid.