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I think the thing is educating, and not "telling" or "demanding" or "forbidding" but sitting down and talking to your kids. I knew what an alcoholic was so I was careful. Paris is 5 and she knows what an alcoholic is, we talk about the affects of drugs and alcohol often. And why people smoke, the damage it can do (not just that its stinky or yuk), but we really do chat about this stuff. Right now she's not wanting any of this stuff obviously so I'm not talking to her about what I will and will not want her to do. She doesn't want to and I'm more than ok with that. She understands that drink driving is dangerous, she knows that when you have a piercing it leaves a scar and it hurts to get one, a tattoo hurts and lasts forever... we talk about all this stuff but not in a "fear" it kind of way, just the facts. Sure I could very well eat my words, I don't claim to know it all :) But I do think that "because I said so" isn't a good enough reason for a teenager and can lead to problesm.
Rolymogs, sounds like you and I are very similar in regards to this.
Dye her hair I dyed it for her earlier this year just before the pink concert, it is dark brown naturally & I bleached streaks in it & added hot ponk so it looked AWESOME! I have coloured my hair forever, I have no prob with it & neither does DH! So yep that's fine with us!
Shave her body she's not yet 9, but does have the start of hair growing under her arms & elsewhere, but we have a super close realtionship & so when she asks about it, or if she needs to etc I'll be honest & take it from there! If it's making her uncomfortable, insecure then yep, I'll be supportive & we'll take it from there!
Get piercings anywhere When she's 16 if she wants more piercings then I dont think it's a problem... DH's culture is to have baby girls ears pierced, so both our DD's were done early on...
Swear She is not like me (A swearer) she is very mature & doesnt copy us/me. But like al;l kids I'm sure they swear amongst themselves at school... Will I let her swear at, to me in my house nope, I'll pull her up if/when it happens!
Drink I guess a time will come that she hides drinking with her friends, however as we are close I will take it as it comes, I am still guessing it will be a few yrs off as she's turning 9 next month... I cannot say, I drank at 15, so I guess from 13 onwards we will be more aware of whats going on with her!!! (WE HOPE)
Smoke I hope Not, but again I guess she'll try it with friends first! I will STRONGLY encourage her not too!
Go out of a night As above, I'll take it as it comes & how well I know her friends & their families at that stage!???
*Maddy has already expressed her want for tattoo's & piercings which we are Ok with, but I have explained it's not really good to get done til she is about 16... Her Uncles in Bali are Tattoo artists & both DH & I are tattooed, so we are Ok with them & after all by 16 I think it's hard to tell another person what they can/cant do to their own body..., However things might change!??? I take it as it comes!
We are really close & she tells me most stuff & we discuss things openly & she knows she can always come to us!
But like Cailin, I wont say what I will do, after all I know I pushed my parents BIG TIME!!! I wont be forbidding, I will be discussing the Pro's & cons of the various things she wnats to try..
I also think picking our battles is more important, so I'll decide as the time arises!
I dont mind tattoos either,my hubbie has them everywhere, but like my DH says, its best to wait til you are mature enough to pick something that has meaning for you and that you will understand will be there forever. They dont let you get one till your over 18 anyway in the tatt shops. My son said he wants one when he turns 18, I dont care, its not the worst thing he could do in life.
I am lucky so far neither of my teens want to drink nor smoke. My son thinks people not only look and sound stpid after a few drinks, but they smell gross too, just like cigarettes!
I am 19 so thought I would just let you know when mum let me do all of these things. Not sure if it will help you at all or not...
Dye hair - I was 14 the first time and nan took me to get it done while I was inj sydney, but mum let me keep doing it after that.
Shave - I started shaving my legs when I was 15 by my choice, mum didn't mind.
Piercings - got my ears pierced when I was little, I then got my labret at 16 and my belly buton at 16. Mum didn't approve but she didn't disapprove either. I have now taken them both out.
Swear - I don't swear.
Drink - Mum didn't let me till I was 18, but I don't much like alcohol so I rarely do it anyway.
Smoke - I could never stand the smell so I never tried it.
Go out at night - Mum used to let me go to the movies and stuff like that with friends when I was bout 14, but other than that I didn't go out at night till I was about 17.
supa_star323 what a gorgous mature young women you are!!! And your mother is very smart!!
I forgot to add that I guess because I have a lot of tattoos myself, my kids don't have that fascination with them that other kids do. My 15yo DS mentioned once that he wouldn't mind getting one, and I laughed and said that it's so nice he wanted to be like his dear old mum, which put him right off! Lol!
DD asked if she could get one now (at nearly 16) and DH said "Ok you get me a picture of what you want now and if you still like it at 18 then I'll even pay for it" he figures that the tatt she loves now will horrify her at 18!!
Tattoos & Piercings don't bother me as its their body kwim? And chances are they'll do it with or without your consent ;)
Can I just thank everyone for sharing why they have their stance on alcohol. Alcoholics and alcohol abusers scare me too - I hate that my sister thinks a good night is one where she has forgotten half of it. But I have always been a responsible drinker, which is why I am more lax with alcohol than other things. I will let DS have alcohol pre-18 (not illegal here) if he asks for it at a reasonable age - maybe a shandy with his dad when they're fishing at the weekend, a small glass of wine for birthdays/Christmas... but one drink only. He will grow up knowing you have A glass and that's it. You drink for the taste, not the intoxication. You don't touch alcohol if you're the driver.
DH and I will educate DS of the dangers of drinking, smoking, drugs... as others have said, we can't stop him but we can explain our reasons for why we feel as we do - as you can see just from this thread, a "I do this and you don't so you are bad" stance leads to upset and not respect. We will tell him why we hate smoking and how we saw our grandparents die horrible, horrible deaths from smoking-related cancers. We will explain that getting drunk isn't laudable. I will explain that I do not use bad language and do not expect to hear it from ANYONE - DH included (and I have told off a friend once - reflex reaction, I promise!). If DS swears around his dad then it's DH's lookout to clean up his language.
DH is anti-piercings and tattoos, so we won't be allowing any before our littlies can get them done themselves, the exception being ears for a girl. I did want a tattoo once upon a time, but DH (then my boyfriend) told me I was being stupid and now I'm glad he did, I'd hate a wrinkly tattoo when I was older or a stretched tattoo due to pregnancy.
As for driving with friends - tbh, I was from the moment I passed my test and they passed theirs. My parents never batted an eyelid. But now I'm a parent thinking about this, I'm miffed at how lax they were. I used to ask for a curfew when I was 16! Children need rules and boundaries, even if you explain them and set them together, they still need them. I will need to think about this more and probably not make up my mind until the time comes! In some respects if they have passed the test they're safe in theory, but teenage drivers are dangerous still. So I'll pass on that for now.
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Soul, you asked if noone thinks smoking is worse than alcohol (or something along those lines) and I just wanted to say that for me, I know the dangers of smoking and its long term effects on the body as well of those of alcohol. Although I would be willing to "allow" my children to drink before 18 but not smoke, I feel the need to be more "flexible" with alcohol because of the things that could potentially happen under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol has the ability to alter the mind, depress the respiratory and cardiovasuclar systems, and to place the drinker in potentially dangerous situations. By drinking, my child could be drugged, raped, assualted, robbed, fall over and hurt themselves (haven't we all whilst drunk?), drink themselves into stupor etc etc. Smoking has none of these short term dangers - the dangers are more long term. Because of this, I would rather have them drink at home in mine or DH's presence so we can provide a safer environment for their alcohol consumption.
MG
Might look good on saggy boobs!!!:
DH is anti-piercings and tattoos, so we won't be allowing any before our littlies can get them done themselves, the exception being ears for a girl. I did want a tattoo once upon a time, but DH (then my boyfriend) told me I was being stupid and now I'm glad he did, I'd hate a wrinkly tattoo when I was older or a stretched tattoo due to pregnancy.
Ryn I see what your saying, and you seem to be looking at it with smart attitude, as in teaching for the taste not how it affects ones brain, you know the giggles feeling!
Well my daughter was horrified today. She is 10 and her friend came over for the day to play, her name is Ellie, she lives with her mother, but is tossed to the two grandmothers and father nearly daily. Ellie told Hanna that her dad gives her wine, a glass of wine, she is 10, Ellie thinks its "Cool" to have wine and that she likes the funny feeling it gives her.And because she likes it so much she cant wait till she grows up and can have it all the time and get lots of differnet ones. Hanna told her that she is stupid, her words, she said that her brain is going to be stuffed before she is even at the age to go buy it herself. Ellie thinks its funny and makes her feel so good she could do it all day long.
So this is how a 10 year old thinks, this tells me they are too young to be drinking and making such a big decision about alcohol. A child is too young to make a decision on such a drug, therefore I guess that is why they give Australia a legal age of when its ok!
Sex is seductive too, more so, but not every kid is out there doing it, I guess it comes down to how the parents teach, talk and communicate with there kids.
My 15 year old daughter does not rome the streets, she has a good head on her shoulders and is not interested in drinking or smoking either stuff, she does not swear, very much a little lady, and wants to keep her "Flower" as we call it, intact till she is 18. She is everyhting I wasnt as a kid, and I am mighty proud of her. I guess its because we sit and talk about it all and I listen, just listen with no judgements, so she knows she has a friend in me. God I hope it stays that way!
MG true! But I think altering ones state in the present time could cause a car accident and thats the end of there life, so to me its just as bad as smoking, where as smoking they could give up anytime and still live a healthy life, smoking will ot cause death within seconds as where grog could. I think drink driving is a huge problem and causes most deaths in young people.
I hate smoking too though, its gross, if a smoker lights up near me I walk away mumberling curses at them!!! he he he
Soul - I think you missed the bit where I said "drinking at home in mine or DH's presence"... after they hit 18 I can't do much other than trust that the education we provide will have a positive affect on them. Afterall, at 18 they could have already moved out - perhaps they have moved to go to a Uni far away (or just want to get away from us! LOL)
Soul, I posted earlier in this thread that small amounts of alcohol inhibit neurones in the brain in the short term, but promote brain growth in the long term... I'll see if I can find that study for you on-line. And DS will NOT be getting drunk or "the giggles feeling" - that is not the point. Being drunk is NOT a good thing. Nor is drinking all the time - which I will NOT be promoting. As a 10-year-old I understood one glass only even if your daughter's friend cannot, but DS probably won't be drinking at 10.
Why did I come back here? You just seem determined to misconstrue my intents and dislike me. I have said DS will learn of the dangers of alcohol abuse and drink-driving, even if that means taking him to cemetaries and hospitals if he ignores our warnings. He will NOT be getting drunk on my watch. Just because your mother and my mother seemed to think drunken tots are amusing does not mean I am the same.
I didnt miss it, I never miss anything!!! I was just talking about the effects of alchol v's smoking. One is a slow death the other could be on the spot. Both as bad but in differnet ways.
Anyway, I guess I can count my blessing that neither of myn are interested while still adolesense. My son has one year and a bit till he is legal, if he wants it then, doubt it, he's on his own, but while I still make the rules, he will follow them. I guess he hasnt the chance to go get drunk anyway, he doenst go out partying.
Ryn I said you had a good attitude about teaching your son the right way, how is that telling you I dont like you?
I never said you were like my mother either, words in my mouth!
Apologies, Soul, I read "smart attitude" as meaning I was being foolish and not thinking of the consequences, also that DS would grow up a juvenile drunkard. Probably just one of those seperated by a common language problems - being "smart" is to have intelligence but not knowledge to me.
In the UK and in some Aussie states the legal drinking age is 5 - 18 is just foralcohol purchase.
Dye her hair - No, I wouldn't pay for it and I'm pretty sure she has higher financial priorities with her pocket money. She knows her school doesn't allow unnatural hair dying as well.
Shave her body - She is already shaving her pits, not her legs though. She does lots of sport and I'm kinda glad she does because it probably helps her smell fresher. If she wanted to do her legs it wouldn't worry me but the hairs are quite fair anyhow I told her they would go darker in appearance if she started to shave them.
Get piercings anywhere - She hates the idea of it, even in her ears.
Swear - No. We don't swear much and she cringes when she hears in on public transport etc. She has told us that most of her friends swear but that she thinks it's ugly.
Drink - Yes, she occassionally tries sips of the wine we are drinking at the table but doesn't like it. Even as she gets older I am fairly confident that she will be responsible about it.
Smoke - No. From and early age she really dislikes smoking (around her) and has told me she doesn't like hugging relatives that smoke. I can't see this as becoming a problem. I've told her that I've tried it a few times but that it was disgusting and a total waste of money.
Go out of a night - Most of her friends parents are stricter than we are about this so I don't see this as an issue yet.
Can I add that this thread started out as just what people think, and again it has turned in to an alcohol debate. I think we know what people's stances are on alcohol from previous threads.
I agree Meg, this was just out of interest to find out about a number of things and has degenerated into an alcohol discussion which I am sure is not what Soul intended.
I wish I had written in this thread when Jess was little so I could have kept a copy to see how I had changed since then!! Its amazing how some things I have relaxed on and some things I have toughened my stance on over the years!
I'm sure it wasn't intended but Soul did ask us all if we thought alcohol was worse than nicotine, and by a few responses I assumed that Soul was more concerned with alcohol than other behaviour ;) (Not having a go at you Soul ;) Perfectly normal question to ask.) I think its just turned that way because it was the major part of the discussion, but I don't really think its a debate as such moreso a discussion. As far as I can see no one has taken offence by anything (and if they did they kissed and made up :P) and the discussion has got back on track.:
my daughter is 12 this april and in the last yr of primary and some things have come up already *sigh*
Dye her hair - maybe a rinse, never a permanent and she's not interested .. yet!
Shave her body - never, but i am currently looking to get her legs waxed before school starts back!
Get piercings anywhere - ears yes, nothing else under 16
Swear - well no, but as you say, outside the house i know she does i just hope she has the self respect to not make herself appear trashy with a vile mouth!
Drink - god no! not under 18!
Smoke - not a chance!
Go out of a night - nope, not without a parent. 16 will be the age where we will consider non-group outings at night for her ..