teenager girl chat

wow abb
youre doing a great job
im the opposite my 11 yr olds teacher rang me the other day and shes not listening to him or paying no attention in class.and usually i only get shes the quiest and most polite girl in the class but lately since her holrmones have kicked in she hates life and everyone in it its horrible .
im a little concerned she said the other day it feels like everyone hates her so im a bit worried shes a little depressed which is no good its runs in my family .
what do you guys think do u think i should take her to our gp
ive spoke to her school about a school councellor
i just dont want to leave it in case it gets worse

Abb thats wonderful..its nice to have lovely comments said about our children..and you should feel so proud! Well Done to your dd!!!

Shazza has she maybe had a falling out with her friends. Girls at this age can be so *****y and will often rotate around the group who is in and out of favour. My dds have had their share of troubles with friends but it is a natural part of their development in finding their own strengths and resilience...even though it can pull at our heart strings! Id try and keep the lines of communication open so that your dd might open up to you..maybe some one on one might be a good idea to get anything off her chest that might be worrying her. Best of luck!

No dramas for a while here now...Emmy though is telling me that one of the girls at school is now being ostracised because shes feels that she is a lesbian! Emmy is so sympathetic towards her but some of the other girls have been not so nice...gosh they grow up so quickly!

Jo

Am I the only one that doesnt seem to have any good days with her :( she is on now because she has been caught out lying, was late home from school and tried to say bus broke down but forgets my freinds DD gets the same bus and she got off 2 stops earlier with her freinds and went to maccas. I told her I will be picking her up from school for the next week and she is allowed no phonecalls from her freinds for a week, so the door got slammed and I am being an overbearing cow were her words :wall:

Is there any chance of this thread becomming a sticky..........I have a feeling I will be needing it alot :rolleyes:

Shazza - I took both Laura and Nathan to see a counsellor recently. they went for about three months. With Laura it was a huge turning point. it gave her somewhere that she could feel that she had someone to talk to, and say anything... good bad ugly... it was her space. We had a session, where I ended up staying in, because she wanted to, and she was able to say stuff to me that she needed to say. It was a very emotional session, I had tears streaming down my face, because I discovered the cause of her unhappiness. Like you I thought she may have been suffering from depression. She really believed that I didn't love her. things had gotten so bad that she had started self harming. there was a "story" playing in her head about how she viewed herself, and we had to build on changing that story. I'm sure it won't be the last time that things go pear shaped, but just working with the counsellor - I got some very valuable tools to use, and continue to use them.

Mel - when we meet up in Pioneer Park I will bring the book "princess *****face syndrome" for you to lend. :hug:

Update: Bought Princess B!tchface. Haven't finished reading it yet. Need to get DH to read some segments although getting him to read stuff like this isn't easy. She's been quite reasonable lately I have to say. We've strongly been following through the bed-at-9-lights-out-at-9.30pm thing. This was one of the things her school counsellor recommended. I think this is really helping... and that it was the first domino that needed to fall... a few other issues are falling into place now that she is getting more sleep. She is happier to get up a bit earlier for breakfast (she was skipping breakie for ages)... and I think this means that she's been more settled at school.

Toddler throwing things at me... back later!

thanx Vikki, I feel like I am drowning, DH doesnt help he just says too hard send her back to my mum, BUT I am trying to tell him that isnt an option we HAVE to deal with it, I feel like I am caught in the middle all the time.

O Melham you poor thing. This is what I think, feel free to cyberslap me if you want, I don't want to offend you or anything. I'm referring to your last few posts if that helps

Take a deep breath and step back for a minute. She is trying to grow up and be a big girl, I think treating her like a baby will make for alot of resentment. Since you are the adult, you have to be the bigger person....

Not cleaning her room/the kitchen? You may have to get used to constantly reminding her, 50% of that is "can't be bothered" and 50% will be actually forgetting.
My DD has to have her room cleaned by Saturday morning each week. Then its set in stone. This works for me because DD always wants to go out Saturday and she has gotten used to cleaning her room FIRST, asking me for stuff later. It took time but she got into the routine (even if it took a hospital visit to LEARN).
You have to give them warning before you open a can of whoopass So maybe she has to clean the kitchen on a certain day/s, it need to be up to her to actually do it or she misses out on xxxxx. You pick what it is. Maybe you can give her permission to go to maccas after school one day per week if she has done whatever you believe should be her responsibility. She needs to be home by xxxx (the next bus or whatever).
Give her a chance to prove herself. She will surprise you, there will be hiccups but no one is perfect.

I know it must have been hard to hear she was having a massive biatch about you to your mum. The positive side of this is that at least she has someone she feels she can talk to. At this age they need as many people as possible to love and HEAR them and it just can?t be mum a lot of the time. Maybe later. It is a good thing that she calls your mum to vent because at least she would be more reasonable than a friend from school that feels equally hard done by when she has been asked to do the dishes (?hey I hate my parents too ? lets run away!).

Taking the phone and telly away for such a long time might be a little to hard (just MHO), maybe just a week? When the cr@p truly hits the fan and you have used all your big guns, you have nothing left iykwim?

Testament to what Vicky said ? we need to tell them how much we love them and dammit WHY we do. Yes it?s a given that we love them ?cos they came out of us, but you just have to point it out to them. I always assumed that DD knew I thought she was pretty fabulous, but it wasn?t until a counselling session in which I pointed out all the ways I loved her that I could see she had NO FREAKIN idea I felt that way. Speshilly when you have littler ones, which lets face it, demand more of our time.

Go have a chat with her, expect her to turn and face the wall and ignore you but when you go softly?.well its hard to be shirty when someone explains how much they care.

This is how I approached DD on one of our cr@ppier weeks.

?Look, its my job to be the mum and its your job to be the kid. Being a mum means I worry when you are home late, not ?cos I want to kick your butt, because I DO worry something has happened. I know I can?t protect you all the time or follow you around, but if you want to start growing up and do things without me, you have to respect that it can be hard for me to let go. I want to see you do all the things in the world you want, but fact it I know more about it than you do. It?s your job to explore, my job to guide. OK?
I will not ever stop worrying about you EVER. I think you are a smart girl and you will make the right decisions, so its not that, its because there is bad stuff in the world.
You be good to me and I?ll do it right back OK??

Build a little pathway for yourselves.....regardless of your DH and anyone else for that matter. Its up to her and you, this can lead to an unbreakable bond.

My DD is nearly 16 now, so most of the hissyfitty things are past us, but I really believe that pushing through all the smoke and mirrors these girls put up and speaking plainly, whilst never giving up the fact you are ultimately in charge will open up doors.

:comfort: mel - I know that feeling of being caught in the middle... its one of the wonderful (NOT) things about being in a "blended" family. Sometimes I feel like I have two families - me laura and nathan - and me DH and aston. I hate it!

I also know that feeling of drowning. I will bring another book for you to borrow too, called Boundaries with Kids. It was my saving grace!!

Lulu and I posted at the same time. I couldn't have said it better what she has said. It is about building pathways... sometimes I could just slap Laura... then I have to remind myself that I'm the adult and she is the child... I have many a conversation with her like Lulu has had with her DD. The biggest testament to our relationship is when she comes and tells me that her friends don't have the same kind of relationship that we do, and that she is glad that we have what we have.

Bathsheba - my dh says - do they have in DVD? hmmm thanks for the support hun! Glad that there has been an improvement.

And again, another brilliant point raised by Vicky - it is incredibly hard to co-parent with a step parents. I don't give a rats about The Brady Bunch, to truth is that is rarely works if a step parent tries to discipline a step-child.

We have a rule in this house that we do NOT discuss the raising of DD1 (Dp is not her father). He is hypercritical of her at all times (yes he is an opinionated git anyway), and he doesn't know her like I do. So there. He gets all uppity if she comes home grumpy and starts nickpicking her. I have several friends that say the same goes for them unfortunatley. I don't care because she hives off to her room for a few hours because comes out fine later. She just needs time to wind down for a cr@ppy day like the rest of us FFS!

Bluddy stepfathers! If they could only realise the best thing they can do is step back and support us with these kids instead of getting all nitpicky it would be so much easier for all involved....

Sorry - rant over.

oh I hear ya Lulu!!

Having written an essay last night I want to make sure I don't give the impression that its all sweetness and light around here.

DD is a lazy little bugger, and ALWAYS pushing the boundaries. The deal here is she does not get pocket-money unless she does her jobs without being reminded. She always forget to feed the cat, or makes the poor thing wait until she is ready. Therefore she has not had pocket money for.......wait for it.........18 MONTHS.

She leaves her electric blanket and/or lamp on all the time, never hangs her washing out and tries to stick ONE pair of jeans in the dryer when she needs to go out.
So much for Eco warriors of the future...:wall:

Just on your point about step-parents and discipline, Lulu - I totally agree that step-parents need to tread very carefully.

My DSD came to live with us for 8 months last year at the age of 14, because she wasn't getting on with her mum in the US.

Before she got here, I said to DP that there was no way I was going to even attempt to discipline a 14-year-old who I didn't know from a bar of soap. DP works shifts too so that meant that he is not home in the evenings for one week out of two so it was just DSD and I.

It worked quite well.

DP had a rule that she had to be home by the time it was dark. So if she wanted to stay out later to go to a friend's house, she would have to call him. Ditto if she came home early and then wanted to meet up with a friend. She would ask me and I would simply tell her to phone her dad because he sets the rules. And if she was home later than she'd agreed with her dad, I'd just say to her that I wasn't going to tell her off because I wasn't her mother, but I WAS going to tell her dad. I actually don't remember her breaking the rules too many times - maybe once, twice at the most.

Ditto for when her dad wanted her to call her grandpa. She whinged about it and I think she expected me to lay down the law for her to call him. I didn't - I simply said, I can't MAKE you call him but I know your dad wants you to and I'll be honest with your dad and say that you haven't. She called her grandpa 10 minutes later.

It's a difficult line to tread but it takes time and I think you need to be ruthlessly fair.

If she'd been here longer, I would gradually have taken a more involved approach and not left everything to her dad - particularly about her chores but I really think you need to tread carefully at first and build up some sort of mutual respect.

Oh amen to all of this ladies!! DH seems to think he can be really hard on DD but not give her any praise or love which is why she has moved to my dad's house. Problem is he is super critical and gets her back up too and now I have him whinging to me that she left her towel on the floor etc.
She has been seeing a psychologist who specialises in tns and that has helped her a lot, the psych told me she isn't depressed which is a relief but has a lot of things to work through.
It frustrates me that at 16 she thinks she can make her own decisions about everything and not ask permission any more but I do think she is improving as she matures.
I feel for you all, I wish we could meet in RL and have about 300 cups of coffee and vent!

:Dthanx ladies you really put a few thingd into clearer light for me, when she comes home today am going to have a good talk to her, set some boundries and rules and let her know what will happen if these arnt followed. It is just hard to see light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, and you are all such a wonderful help.

Can I suggest Mel that you go gently... you know the saying about catching more bees with honey then vinegar? the same goes for teenage girls I think. Focus on the positive, use lots of taking responsibility for her behaviour, actions have consequences, and she has choices about what she does... and therefore the consequences that occur.

This year Laura got an atm card for her bank account. I pay her pocket money monthly, and it goes direct to her account. She has to give us 10 back for her phone credit, and manage how she spends her money. the first month the money all disappeared... and when we looked at her spending she could see how it just disappeared... little here, little there... If she has hissy fits about doing stuff, she gets pocket money deducted, if she does extra, she gets bonuses. But I only tell her that she is getting paid for doing that extra job AFTER she has done it, not before. Sometimes she doesnt' get bonuses because she moans about what I have asked her to do. Her choice, and she has to live with the consequence.

The thing that gets her the most is losing her phone and her music. It must be having some impact because she hasn't lost either for a while. I can actually see her thinking about where this could end up if she doesn't control herself.

BTW Mel - has AF started for her yet? I found that laura was really really horrid in the months leading up to her getting it.

No AF yet...but she has been complaining o a sore stomache off and on for about a month........I have decided to tell her what her jobs are, stack diswaher, kids bathroom twice a week ect and am going to follow your lead with her pocket money and tell her she can go out one afternoon a fortnight but must be home by 6 and has to let me know where and when she is going and who with and she must keep her phone on. I am not going to nag her about her room though if her washing isnt out she will have to do it herself and has to be clean enough to vaccum ect, and her tv must not go on till homework is done and to be off by 9.30pm.......does this sound reasonable to ask or is this still being to hard. :redface:

very reasonalbe Mel. I don't even let Laura go out with out me yet...but thats because of my own baggage...

This is what my dd's jobs are - keep room tidy, clean kids bathroom once/week, do the dishes, set or unset table, help tidy playroom with her brother, feed dog/cat or do the chickens, hang washing out or bring it in, fold up clothes with her brother. I have two job lists that alternate weeks - when Laura is doing one job list, nathan is doing the other. There are some jobs on it that they do individually all the time, such as the bathroom laura does, and the toilet nathan does (mainly because he is the one that makes the most mess in there, and I dont think Laura should have to clean up his misaims.) Good luck with it all.

Hi everyone
I am starting to think i am too easy on my dd she is so lazy around the house i am forever picking up after her. I have just gone in her room to get dirty clothes which are scattered all over the floor, her beds isnt made, clothes everywhere, books on the floor, tv and dvd player still turned on. Then i go into her bathroom pick up her towel and pjamas off the floor and rinse out the shower. Mind you i dont have alot of time at the moment with a new baby so things are not done like they use to be. If i ask her to do something like dry the dishes she will whinge and moan for ages and to be honest this is my downfall as most of the time i just think its easier to do it myself as if she whinges then dp will have a go at her then they will start fighting and it turns out to be a yelling match and slamming doors etc, then dp and i will start argueing as he is always so hard on her at nitpicks all the time. Like this morning dp asked her to please clean up the honey she left on the bench (he did aske her nicely) and dd said well why dont you clean up the coffee and stuff you left out, i had a go at her for back answering then he spoke up and said just do it and next time dont put crumbs and butter in it, well they just went on and on and then he started swearing which is when i stepped in saying there is no need to talk to her like that, so thats when it started between us as apparently he is always the one getting the slack from something she has done, and he is always hard done by etc etc etc etc.
Ok i can see that yeah she won in a way, she got in the middle and got us into another arguement but i wish he would just back off a bit and realise she is still a child and there is an easier way to get her to do things rather than yell at her, sometimes you just need to ignore what she says instead of biting back all the time. He also needs to realise that things are difficult for her at the moment, she has just got her period two months ago and has been very moody. Also she hadn't had contact with her dad for over 2 years and has just started seeing him again over the last few weeks, so i am sure there are emotions running crazy through her at the moment.

OMG i didnt mean for such a long post but once i started i couldn't stop sorry for the long vent. I am now going to make a chores chart for dd and fingers crossed we get a positive result.

Hey Abb, welcome to the bunfight!

Mel, I think that sounds reasonable, it might take a little to get in the swing of it. Don't forget to mention if she does a good job!

Im going to write DD jobs down too, so if you hear the moaning and biatching about 6pm, you know its coming from my place.......

You will probably hear it from here too.........was just talking with a freind and have decided am doing the same with DS1 and DS2 except the pocket money part and going out part they now have to earn computer and Wii time, so if they fight and dont do jobs or homework no playing games.

guys you are so helpful god im so easy i really need to get my dds some more chores to do silly me does everything all they do is feed the animals and keep there room tidy and take the bin out .
and most of the time clarissa room is done at all she just chucks everything into her wardrobe and even shoves stuff into her pillowcase .update on dd she is going gto see the councellor tommorow at school hopefully she will talk knowing her she wont even say a word bu she is a very shy person hopefully she listens though . its so hard having 2 of my girls go though this sometimes i just need to chat it reallyhelps
so thankou so much guys

OMG what have I started :rofl:

You may get moaning and groaning to begin with, but hey, my philosophoy is that I want my children to grow up to be self sufficient adults, able to look after themselves. When I get moaning and groaing back at me, I tend to answer them with real life examples - about how in the real world there are rules, consequences, and choices... and give them examples. if that makes sense.

Good luck girls, and don't give up!!!!

Shazza - initially dd might be reluctant to speak, just give it time, and if it doesn't work with the school counsellor, consider getting a referral to someone else from your gp. that way you get 12 visits for her, and you will only have to pay the difference between what medicare will cover and what they charge. this is what I did. I think its important for there to be a good reportire between them and the counsellor, otherwise it can make them just suck it up, so to say, and things go from bad to worse (in my experience anyway.)

Hi Ladies
How did you all cope with the school holidays? Actually some of you may still have children on school holidays i am not sure when other states holidays are.
We had a not too bad time, my dd was actually a great help to me with dd as he was a little sick with a cold etc and at 6 weeks old its so hard to know what is wrong with them. I was suprised at how good she was with him and i think it was good for her to spend a little more time with both of us.
Hope everyone isnt having too much trouble with there teenagers.
I bought the book princess b**** face, it is fantastic i have dp reading it at the moment.

I need to get that book! I called her that the other day LOL Her boyfriend laughed. Actually she has been really busy in the hols so quite pleasant, we have had a few nice times together, went down to the ILs (just kids and I)for 2 days and it was really lovely except for the bickering on the way home in the car.

Oh my.. what alot of fun I have to look forward to in a few years.....

My mum always said... grandchildren are vengance for grandparents...... I so hope not I was a right terror LOL...

I think I will have to write down all these good ideas for future reference!!!!

My DD was pretty good actually.

We had 2 sessions at home with her counselor and worked some stuff out, it was a little bumpy for a while but we smoothed it out. I tell you what ladies, we just HAVE to keep the lines of communication open here - even if it means backing down once or twice.

Thanks to the first session I found out (DD couldn't even bring herself to tell me) that DD felt responsible for me missing out on Uni! She truly thought it was the fact she was born prevented me from studying and felt guilty. OMG!!!!

I actually have no idea where she got that from, maybe she daydreamed it or something... You see I DID go to Uni, way after she was born and in fact it was her birth that spurred me on to study medicine. It was my choice to leave (STUPID CHOICE), after I got married and she was 8 then! So I very clearly laid it out for her and she felt better immediately.
BUT JEEZ! Imagine if she went on feeling that way????

Anyhoo we also went away to Ballarat for out family Xmas in July, she was terrific with the kids, and partied with the adults and I was really proud at how she handles herself.

She also turned 16 last Tuesday which was sort of a shock.....

Im gonna start going grey this year I can feel it!

I know what you mean Lulu, DD turns 17 in Nov, I am so not ready! I can't believe my baby can be that grown up.

i have been thinking about how everyone was going, and how their darling daughters have been. we had a few ups and downs, but mostly ups. Poor laura got AF 21 days after the last one, and it last for nine days, so she was most unimpressed. DH had an operation yesterday, and Laura was brilliant yesterday afternoon, helping me with Aston, unasked. It was a long day at the hospital, and I was shattered, so it was nice to have some assistance without any complaints.

Lulu - I agree, open lines of communication are the key. Its brilliant that your dd was able to even if via a counsellor to tell you how she was feeling. Its funny the ideas and conclusion that get in their heads. We assume that they "know" the truth, but still they come out with some weird ideas and conclusions - i guess that it what reminds us that they are still kids, and still working stuff out.

Mrs Mac - I have lent the book to Melham, maybe once she has finished it, I can send it on to you...

AAARGH I posted too soon....

The little bugger has been acting like a right royal brat for the last 2 days. Didn't get the electives she wanted for this term so refused to go school yesterday!
I totally understand she wanted to continue one of the subjects, the teacher even recommended she did so. She has been wanting to do the subject for YEARS, I can see the dissapointment but I DIDNT DO IT!

I let her off yesterday (well I slept in and didnt notice she was still in bed), but made her be a slave, we had a chat and she said she knew not going wasn't an option, gave me a little smile and I thought it would be fine.
I took everything electronic off her until she was dressed and ready for school but then she stormed out like a drama princess.....

GGAAARRHHHHHHHH...

and the oscar goes to..... lol that's what goes through my head when laura is flouncing around the place. Hope she comes home a little happier Lulu. Don't you just love it that its your fault - even when it isn't.!

V.........have nearly finished the princess book, it is good. Gabby is actually quite good when the boys arent around, they were at vacation care Monday and she took cooper to the park ect as I had flu and was really good, but School started back yesterday and she is back to her old self....How do say in a not so subtle way you need some new freinds, I cant stand the kids she is hanging out with. They all have attitudes and their parents might not care where their kids are and who they are with but I do.

I have found that baging the friends makes them more attractive so i have just been nice to all of them and let her have them over etc and when she realises they are bad news I am supportive!

Its so hard when friends are the problem, and even harder not to tell them how much you cant stand them. My dd has one particular friend i dont like and i have made excuse after excuse when she asks if she can have a sleep over at her house, but i am running very short on excuses now.

well ladies clarissa is having her 13 birthday party tonight
10 girls for a sleepover party and boys are coming not to sleep but yeah im a little worried havent had a teenager party before .
im hoping i donrt have to be a scary mum and go off ive already told her no smoking no alcohol and no making out in my loungeroom .
although its only a 13 party i thought you never to know
anyway let you know guys how it went tommorow thats if i get some sleep

OMG you brave woman you!! I'm shuddering at the thought... finger's crossed you don't have to put the scary mum hat on, and that they all behave themselves.

OMG are you insane???? LOL
Hope it goes well and you live to tell the tale.

Shazza that is something i would do. I hope it turns out ok. I am of the opinion though that i would rather have my children under my roof than out and about somewhere i cant supervise. Whether they like it or not.

Hi just reading everyones opinions on teenagers I have a a daughter who is almost 14 and I have to say she is great she might on occasion have her bad days but I really cant complain.I also have 2 other daughters that are younger and they are pretty good as well.My oldest has got some great friends that I really trust and they tell me everything we are all pretty open with each other which I think is fantastic.I just hope it stays that way!!!

Hi guys, hope this thread is still ongoing as I could do with it now. Some where to vent!
I'll give you the run down on my saga.....
DD 14 has been going on and on about msn for a while and as DP and I are not computer people we said we wanted to check it out 1st to make sure its safe.( she can be naive)
Anyway, 2wks ago she was banned from the computer for bidding on Ebay without permission but she has this huge school project to do so she can go on but only for homework. on fri I ctch her on msn (she has`installed herself after getting an account at a friends)Sun I catch her again and we argue and on Tues find out she is on Ebuddy laughing at how she`is out smarting us (and to her younger bro).SHe lies to my face about this until I come up with proof and to top it off yesterday she goes to the library while I am at sport practise with DS, on msn and then home to make long distance calls to her best friend to ***** about how bad her life is!!! Am I such a terrible Mum? AM I being a hard Mum and too tuff? Would appreiciate your help !