Hi everyone,

Ok here goes I hope you can help me, i'm getting a bit crazy!!!
this is a big vent so apologies in advance...

I came on here for the first time a couple of years ago when i had a MC at 6 weeks after TTC for 6 months. it was my first pregnancy and it totally shattered me. it took me a while to even allow myself to be really upset as i kept saying to myself "it was so early, i'm lucky it wasn't later and that there weren't any complications, we can try again right away" etc etc... until somebody on here said to me "a loss is a loss" and boy did that resonate with me. this forum helped me A LOT !

Fortunately we got pregnant again 2 months later and had the most amazing pregnancy, labour and little baby that i could ever have hoped for. he is now 1 year old and i cry almost every day thinking how lucky we are to have this little guy in our life. it has made my marriage even better (i was expecting the opposite somewhat!) and made us even more sure that we want to have lots more kids !! I'm nearly 35 and would love to have 4 kids but am mindful of running out of time, plus the risks of getting/staying pregnant at i get older.

When DS was about 10 months old i started to cut back on breastfeeding so i could get my period back and we could start TTC. one day i noticed lots of CM and thought hey maybe this is my first ovulation?? so we BD'd that night and about 10 days later i took a HPT and it was positive !! Yippee i was so excited that we had caught the first egg !! But i started bleeding the next day and the next HPT test was negative.

My reaction to this MC (if you can even call it that) was very different to the first time. i was actually just really happy that i was ovulating and that everything was working again and that we could now start to TTC properly... and i was still doing one breastfeed a day which made me really happy as i thought i might have to stop BFing alltogether in order to TTC.

So i was thrilled, and not even sad at all (i even felt a bit guilty that i wasn't upset like last time). I think perhaps it was because i subconciously realised that there was some sense in my first MC - ie. it needed to happen in order to get pregnant with my DS... i just cannot imagine my life without him and he was worth it.

The next month, we didn't get pregnant. I was a bit disappointed but not too bad.

This is our 3rd month trying. i feel ridiculous saying this but i'm really starting to obsess about TTC. i know it's only 3 months and i have friends who have had to TTC for YEARS so i would feel like an idiot talking to them.

and i keep reminding myself that even if i could never get pregnant again, i would still feel so lucky to have my little boy. i try to throw myself open to the powers that be and to enjoy what i have now but at times i find it really hard.

I had a feeling i would O today so we BD'd last night. i did an OPK today and it was positive (yah!) so will BD again tonight. fingers crossed.

so i'm really hopeful and excited but i also know that i'm starting to get really obsessed with it. i just now worked out when (if i do get pregnant this month) all my ultrasounds would be, my due date, how pregnant i will be when we go on holidays, when i would plan to finish up work etc etc... i've already picked out a double pram to buy and how i would rearrange the house when the new baby comes !! i get so far ahead of myself and then am so disappointed when i get a BFN. i'm also spending a FORTUNE on HPTs as i always start testing way too early, sometimes twice a day. i'm embarrassed saying all this but i so desperately want to get pregnant again and SOON.

i need to be reminded that i'm being ridiculous and impatient. and that i should live in the moment and enjoy this wonderful time with my hubby & son when everything is so great.

thanks if you've read this far. i really needed to have a vent and verbalise some of the things i'm feeling.

baby dust to all you ladies
xoxo