Trying to Conceive after Miscarriage or Loss ~ September 2008

Thank you Agelbabies your peoms & songs are so beautiful!!, Rachel, babyjubz , babymiracles & AbbeyB:welcome: babymiracles, I'm sorry for your loss.. it was recent like mine. Take comfort that we are all here for you. Don't give up.. I won't!!! We are mommies of Angels. How cool is that???
Babyfever: please be safe.....
Plc, AJC, Megsmum, Smi, Jenushka, Mollycat, Dellydoo, WTH, Kritsylove, Hannah, Larz, Jen805, Mannie, Tam, Emmykate, Chappas, Angelbabies, fifi THANK YOU!!!!! ♥
I feel comfort in reading your awesome messages.:hug:

Came back from my D&C yesterday night like at 7PM. I was sobbing so bad that the doc preferred to put me to sleep for the D&C... I don't think I could bear listening to that awful machine suctioning my beloved and precious baby out. after I woke up.. I feel empty. I just woke up and my baby bump has disappeared. I feel lonely and like a total failure.

Empty arms, empty womb, and brokenhearted. I am in both physical and emotional pain right now and I'm so sorry if this is so long.... I am ever so thankful to all you friends that have left beautiful such comments..

But please know I am very thankful and every message you send me I feel comfort when I read them
Thank you my dear friends for all your support.

My head is still spinning from the anesthesia still???.

Sucks! The doctor took "fetal tissue" and did blood work.. around next week or the next I will get those results and maybe get answers... and the doctor said it is possible to let me know what the gender of the baby was. ( maybe) So am looking forward to that and I will sure let you know. In the meantime I have to wait a long 2-3 months before I seek "special" medical help to see if I can achieve my dreams of one last biological child. If it is not meant to be then I will adopt in the future. But right now I don't want that I want my own child! My husband and I got referred to a well known specialist .. who treats both PCOS,/ Infertility & patients with recurrent miscarriages ( high risk pregnancies) and he can help me have a baby an help me avoid a miscarriage again. I won;t give up.. I have TTC on hold of course all is so "fresh" still.. I need to heal both physically and emotionally.. in my head the words" you have a non viable fetus" rings in my head over and over and over again... and my knees go weak every time.. when I had the u/s done and the tech said those words.. she put the heartbeat monitor and it was blank... when I stepped out of the room in front of all .. my knees felt weak and I dropped to the floor and just sobbed. I was told to cry.. to cry all I can.. I need to let it all out.. I am waiting for my miracle.. to hold a healthy live, full term baby in my arms.. oh well maybe I might still have a 2009 baby after all... but right now I am allowed to grieve my baby.:(

Just let me say that even though my pain is unbearable. I am very thankful to all of you.. your tears healed a part of my heart and its funny how this tiny little baby was loved my so many women all over the world too.
So tiny yet the impact he / she already made.:(

here is a video that describes just all that I feel.

YouTube - My miscarriage

Here are the lyrics:



Slipped Away
Artist(Band):Avril Lavigne

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.

hugs to you all and thank you.


Rachel & AbbyB: Here is my PCOS story including my Anglel baby now...

Hi my name is Ruthie and I'm 25. This is my story living with PCOS and losing 3 pregnancies:

I got my period when I was 9... They were extremely painful, heavy and irregular as a teen (and funny that they relate PCOS to obese women.. I was stick thin throughout my entire teens) So PCOS can be on anyone I guess. Well.. we never thought anything about it till 1999 I decided to see a doctor.. my periods were so severe I missed out on school every month!! It was really bad. Well the doc did a blood test to check my hormones and they came out that my "feminine" hormones were low and that "testosterone" (the male hormone) was dominant. that cause me not to ovulate at all.
then he followed by an ultrasound revealing a LOT of water filled cysts on both rather enlarged ovaries. At age 19 I didn't really get what infertility meant. I never thought of it again and continued my life. I met the man who is now my husband in 2000.
We started dating and well in 2003 we got married and I was wondering about "something" a doctor once said. So I decided to go back to the doc after all those years and yup.. still the same. PCOS.
I explained how I was ready for children so doc put me on Clomid and Metformin and a shot too...
I got pregnant first try. But I had many complications due to PCOS.. high blood pressure the whole way which resulted in early delivery of my son at 34 weeks. Thank God he is my true miracle , he is 3 now!
My story just starts there... when he was 8 months I wanted to try for 2 and underwent the same fertility meds.. again getting pregnant first try. but.. unfortunately I miscarried at 6w2d. It was really sad. I didn't handle it well so I didn't even seek medical help till a year later to TTC ( try to conceive) again. ( by the way in all that time my periods were close to nonexistent)
then in June of 2006 I underwent fertility meds again (the same ones) and BINGO!! pregnant agian1!! and again at 6w4d .. my WORST NIGHTMARE AND FEAR! Miscarriage 2.
My heart.. I couldn't take it no more. I just.. I still don't have words to explain how much it hurts. So much!!!
The doctors found out the reason for my miscarriages.. low progesterone. ( related to PCOS?? maybe) SO I just didn't want to see a doc again. So I decided to try again in 2007.
Problem... I skipped Jan-Aug ( my period.. none at all) and finally on Aug 28th I got my freaking period. It LASTED ALL THE WAY TILL OCTOBER 24th!!!!! almost 3 months of HEAVY PAINFUL BLEEDING!! I passed out with extreme anemia. The doctors couldn't believe my case. They said I had the worse PCOS case they have ever encountered.
( Lucky me.. uughhh)
Well the doc was really touched by my story and how desperately I wanted a child.. a sibling for my son.. and she referred me to this specialist.
He said before I even thought of trying he had to regulate my cycles (periods) so he put me on birth control pills for 4 months ( that was the plan at least) and then he would "experiment" with meds.. Can you call me Lab Rat??.. I think that would suit me perfectly.. no gunny pig!!
Guess what??.. I started BC pills and never got my period!! I skipped Nov and got it on Dec...then skipped Jan & Feb 2008 and then on March 1st My period!!!
I kept on using the darn pills and got my period on April.. the doc was ready for me to try again. He put me on 200mg of CLomid (this time the highest dose that's how bad I was) and 1000mg of Metofrmin and a progesterone shot ( so I don.t miscarry again) I started all that on May 21st ( my period) and I used ovulation tests, you name it. I did everything. cycle day 20 came.. I tested.. nothing. cycle day 30 came by.. nothing....cycle day 40 passed by.. nothing!!!!!! cycle day 50 passed by.. NOTHING!! NOTHING!! NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!!! I was at the verge of depression.
OMG cycle day 60 came by..NOTHING!!!
then.. on Cycle day 62.. in the night... I sobbed. no I wept. I felt like my son was most likely to be my only one.
I cried myself to sleep.. so bad hubby even cried. He did everything to help me conceive. nothing.. my heart was just numb. I couldn't even cry anymore. on cycle day 63 like at 6AM I had like 4 pregnancy tests left and I decided to use em.. just for the hell of it! (excuse my language)
I peed on one (first response) As soon as the pee hit the "Test" line.. nothing happened. through blurred eyes (with tears) I threw it in the cabinet and left to bed....
Crying all over again.. my husband hugged me.. and noticed I left the bathroom lights on.. so I got out of bed and went there to turn it off. Something told me to look at the darn tests.. and OMG!!! My eyes couldn't believe what I saw!! 2 lines??.. Is this for real???
so faint... but there. If I say that I cried, laughed and screamed at the same time .. would you believe me???
this was my test that day.. so faint. (here's the pic)
http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...2/BFP/good.jpg
I ran to hubby and after turning on the light.. he squinted and said.. well I see "something".
So we went later on that same day to the doc.. and they did a test and confirmed I was pregnant ( 7/22) . So they calculated from my last period ( 5/21) that I was 9 weeks along. I was like..eeerrrrr... no wait. no. I didn't find out till cycle day 63 there is no way I was 9 weeks. So she said ok lets do an u/s. I was so right! Fertility meds and all.. even if I started them on May 24th.. I did NOT ovulate till JULY 1st!!!! ( 200
So as I said I was so right.. the u/s revealed I was barely implanted I was more like 3 weeks close to 4.
Well.. at least my pregnancy was confirmed. But.. the doctor said... test again in a couple of days.. if the lines are faint then we need to see you.
so on Aug 1st I decided to test again and OMG!!!! ( here's the pic)
http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...ure001dark.jpg

That was the darkest test I have ever had! So I called the doc and she said.. well you are good to go cuz I gave you progesterone.. I need you to be 8 weeks to do the next ultrasound and actually "see something"

Well I got lucky.. the nurse called me that someone had canceled and she told me to come in on 8/15/08.
Well we talked about my history and all that stuff. At first the doc did a tummy u/s and she didn't see nothing.. so she told me my bladder was full and to go empty it.. ( the fact that she didn't see anything had my brain thinking all sorts of stuff. .. I was in the verge of tears..) So OMG my heart pounding in my throat with anticipation she still had the screen towards her so she did the vag. u/s. she was silent.. then she said "yup" and I looked at her questioningly.. she turned the screen and through blurred eyes with tears I sobbed so hard of joy that I was shaking the bed..LOL
I made the doctor CRY!! HEHEEH
She said she has never had a patient react that way.. and I say you have no idea the pain I went through to finally see this miracle. OMG I'm tearing up!! Sorry...
I thank GOD almighty for blessing me!! Thanks to him he made the CLomid works.. and since I lost my 2 prev babies on week 6 when she told me the baby measures 7 weeks I was overjoyed. That heartbeat. OMG!! What a beautiful sound!It was music to my ears!!
What a great thing it is to finally have this life in side! what a wonderful blessing!!!!

unfortunately on 9/11/08.... my angel grew wings.... I'm devastated all over again. Not my happy ending huh?/.. sniff sniff.. Please God stop my tears!!!!
I was 11w1d but the baby was already dead since week 10. RIP my sweet angel go play with your 2 siblings in heaven. ♥

I will TTC again with a "prinatologist" or high risk pregnancy specialist on Nov or Dec.
Can't wait to finally hold a miracle in my arms. I won't give up! ♥

mollycat--Your dad sounds amazingly strong! I wish him many more years to come! :hug:



babymiracles--:goodluck2: with your FS appt. next week. I'm so relieved to hear your OB was so compassionate after your horrible initial experience. Those lacking compassion and tact just shouldn't be in the medical profession--even if it is only at the front desk! :hug:



Super big :hug: for my Fab 2/3 Chyan's!!

Ruthie-- I wish I could mend your broken heart :( It breaks my heart to know that you're sad and in pain! :hug: I wish you the best with next week's lab results. I also hope you manage to have a happy b-day on Sunday in spite of everything! Lot's of love to you and your much-loved angel baby!



jenushka--Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you! :hug:

Thank you Jen. ♥:hug:

Ruthie I'm so very sorry you have also lost your bub I wish all the best in ttc again and I pray this is your last lost I would have more to say but having lost my bub this week too my mind is gone I have been crying everyday ...

Jen I read all your post to me and it means a lot to me I just need some time to get my mind 2gather and heal the tears are still coming everyday ...

Oh Toccara... you too???... we can grieve our babies together. I feel so empty today.. I don't want to go out I just want to keep crying. Oh Toccarra.. I know this is not of any help... WHY??... WHY us??. Why do these things happen.. to you, to me, to all of us Angel mommies??... I want to give you encouragement but I don;t have the strength to do so.. just know that we are in this together and that I feel your pain ... I'm here at this with you.. I can't TTC again till after 2 or 3 months.. and I need to see a special doctor to help me "stay " pregnant and have a live baby.
I am here for you.. and we can grieve together:hug:. I had a D&C yesterday and I was put to sleep cuz I couldn't handle the thought I WAS Shaking and sobbing. I preferred it that way. Am all campy today and bleeding... I feel so empty, it's so hard to see that my bumps is gone and the thought that I am not pregnant anymore.
I am here with you through this...
:hug:

"So painful to remember, Too precious to forget"
:hug:

Ruthie & ToccaraI'm so sorry this happened darling. I understand that it hurts bad to feel so empty. I lost a baby at 19 weeks & It was so hard after being able to feel kicks and having a belly to all the sudden loose it and feel so empty. And to feel that with the last pregnancy I Would have been 14 weeks pregnant on my 21st Bday which is on Friday the 19th. Big :hug: I really hope that they can get you pregnant and keep you pregnant. I have you guys in my prayers and hope that you have a beatiful baby to hold soon. I know it will never replace the ones you lost.

Ruthie & Tocarra - I wish I could give you both these:hug::hug: in person. Please remember I am thinking of you at this time.

Abbey - sometimes just that diagnosis helps so much. I know when I was finally diagnosed, it answered lots of questions for me. PCOS isn't fun and games, and it is possible to fall pg, just makes it a little bit harder. My gyno diagnosed me after my gp told me that I was just overweight and needed to lose some weight. (I've never seen that GP since - went to another one who referred me to the gyno - the gyno diagnosed me by taking one look at me and then sending me for tests to confirm). I found a low GI diet and lots of exercise helped me to lose weight (I did lots of walking). I've started walking again which I hadn't for a few months to try and knock off a few more kilos and hopefully fall pg again. My gyno also put me straight on metformin and i've tried clomid and tamoxifen to help with ovulation (although I do O by myself).

Jen - thanks for that. Dad was diagnosed with cardiomyothopy (i think that's how it's spelt) when I was sixteen, he was given only a few years to live, so he's done great. He also has early dementia but he and mum are still living at home (they're 80 and 78) with very little outside help.



I think it's time to sprinkle some more :pink-babydust::bluedust: around.

Mollycat - big hugs to you and your family - you must be a chip off the ol' block!

Ruthie & Toccara - my thoughts and prayers are especially with you both. Please know we are here for you.

Wow ladies you have been busy posting away on here. I last checked on Friday and come back on today to see three pages worth of posts.

Ruthie It doesn't matter what you say or how yu feel. I still think your a incredible strong lady. Your story brought tears to my eyes that rolled uncontrollably down my face. With your heart and determination I am positive you will have your forever baby.

Tocarra Still thinking about you 2 and sending you lots of :hug:

Rachel, babyjubz , babymiracles & AbbeyB :welcome: I hope your stay is a short one and you get a sticky lil jelly bean soon. So sorry to hear about your angel babies :hug:

Angel Babues Thank you for your beautiful song and poem.

Babyfever Glad to read that your okay. Wow it must have been scary.

Babyfever. mollycat , Tam & Plc: Thank you ♥ I felt all those much needed hugs.
I am cramping so bad it's not even funny. the thing is.. I guess since the D&C all tissue was removed I'm not really "spotting" much anymore.. my pads are almost clean.. but.. HOLY MOSES AM I CRAMPING SO BAD!!! I was told by a friend it could be my uterus going back to it's normal size.. but I know this might be a stupid question but why does my cervix feel like it was ripped?..it hurts so much "down there" and inside... I literally feel like a cat scathed all my insides. OUCH!on a a scale from one to ten I feel a 7. It's bad.. all over my lower back and below the navel.. not to mention what I already have.. the cervix. so sore I am.
I don't know why I tortured myself..but I found a stupid unused pregnancy test and I peed on it.. revealing a so beautiful BFP.. but who are you kidding??.. I know I have no baby.. it's just my angels hormones still lingering. Oh its so sad!!!! hubby noticed how my baby bump is gone... I took this pic the morning before I had the u/s that revealed the baby was in heaven..
look how cute my bump was that horrible morning around 30 minutes before I found out my horrible fate.. SO PAINFUL TO LOOK AT!!!:(

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...px10picasa.jpg

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...px11picasa.jpg

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...px12picasa.jpg

KL - I hope you're right!! Will let you know tomorrow!! WOW that is sooo weird. What's her name? Can she come and look at me?? That is sooo awesome. Your bubba is going to be fine. YIPEE!!! And a little bubba girl. :babygirl: Awwwwwwww!

Tam - Hope all goes well with your scan. I'm sure it will.

Ruthie :comfort: I am so sorry. There are no words that can convey my sad thoughts for you. Please take care. I MDed at 4.5weeks on my B'day. So know how you feel. Absolutely *****ty. :(

Babymiracles :welcome: I am sorry what you have gone through. I really hope that you have a happy and healthy bubba in your tummy in no time. I can't beleive they even have people in hospitals like that. I would write a letter to the hospital and explain how you were treated. That is DISGUSTING! As for ovulating ... I MC at 5.5 and 4.5 weeks and Oed two weeks after, both times. After my 1st MC, I fell preg straight away, which ended in MC, then didn't fall the next month, and this month I am waiting till tomorrow to see if I have a BFP on my BT. I think if you have a D&C, I didn't, that they want you to wait a month for the lining to rebuild a little more, but I would go to a FS asap and get their oppinion.

Tam - What is it with people in the medical profession. I admit, there are a lot of great doc's out there, but there seem to be a lot of $hitty ones too. Surely that should be part of their application - are you compassionate? Yes - good, here's a job ... no? - then p!ss off, why would you want to do this work then! Grrrr it makes me angry. :angry:

Babyjubs - :welcome:So sorry to hear your sad news. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of info for you as I didn't have a D&C for both my MCs as they were earlier on than yours. But if you are interested in how I coped, you can click on the little number that is next to 'Blogs' on my post up the top here and you will see my stories. Take care. I am glad you have found us all. In this very emotional time, where sometimes others have trouble understanding, this is a very safe and comfortable place.

Abby - So sorry about the news. What is it this month? So much sadness in this thread. Take care honey.

Rachel - :welcome: Sorry you have had to join us, but glad you found us. The girls here are fabulous here, and very cupportive, during what can be a $hithouse time in your life.

I feel a little selfish posting an AFM right now, as there is so much sadness in this thread at the moment. But here it is anyway. Perhaps I can start a new positive trend tomorrow?? Here's hoping...


AFM - Had a wonderfully relaxing couple of days up the coast. Well as relaxing as it could be considering every time my body has any type of sensation anywhere, I go .. what's that? And note it down. I'm going nuts! Bring on the BT tomorrow! I should have results by noon as I am not going to SN, but into the pathology place in the same building as my FS. I really really really want a BFP. I think 11DPO should be enough for it to register. My FS said that he wanted me to do it at 10DPO, but we were up the coast, and they don't have a SN that's open on a Sunday (10DPO), so Monday it is.

FF has given me a chance of 'good' and my boobs are a little sore ... but my first BFP a couple of months ago, I didn't notice sore boobs until about 16DPO anyway .. so this soreness could just be from the progesterone, or whatever it is that gives you sore boobs after you O. Glad I have the girls on BB to chat to, or I really would be a basket case!!!



Also, just in case any of you weren't aware .. the Brisbane girls are having a meet up next Saturday at the Coffee Club at Nundah at 9am. There's a thread in the 'meet up' section if you'd like to come.


And for everyone in this thread ... :pink-babydust::bluedust::pink-babydust::bluedust: and :stickyvibesgirl::stickyvibesboy::stickyvibesgirl: :stickyvibesboy:

I haven't done this for a while ...

Easha - :pray: Looking good ... When are you planning on testing? :pink-babydust::bluedust:

Jen - :excited:Is that the start of a triphasic chart?? :happyforyou:

To everyone else who is pre-O. :goodluck2: this month ... let's clear out this thread!

:grouphug:

Rutie-OMG! I feel your pain. I'm so sorry you had to go though this once again and to see your belly and then only to loss it later on. :hug: I remember having to go through that once long time ago about 4 years ago now. Thank you for the pictures darling. Hold on to those it will be something you migiht want to charish. I really hope that you wont have anymore losses darling, And like I said earlier a new pregnancy will never replace the ones you lost..

Joey-Good luck on your BT! :hug: BRING ON BFP@!!!

:welcome: Rachel, babyjubz , babymiracles & AbbeyB

Hello to the ladies I missed..

Ruthie and Toccara - just a quick post to check in on you lovelies .... I haven't been able to stop thinking about your situations and how much it just sucks. If I lived a bit closer I'd come and see you both - just arrive on your doorstep with some coffees and a couple of massive pieces of cake and lots of hugs and tears...
One of these will have to do instead ...... :hug:

Ruthie - those pics are going to be painful to look at but as babyfever said ... will definitely be something to cherish later on...


AFM - had a lovely weekend away, but just so many preggie bellies EVERYWHERE! Man! The beach is worse than a shopping centre!! I seemed to stare/glare without realising it at the ones who had a child already and were sporting a bump too... so thought of my poor little angels a lot and just trying so hard to come to terms with it... feels like such a long road to feeling ok. DH and I had a couple of serious chats about trying again - even though I've decided to just wanted to make sure he did as much as me. .. and yep he is totally "on board" so to speak. He said the only thing that will make us better is another baby and the only way to get one os to try again. Won't hurt any less if we wait a year or if we wait 2 months and lose the pg. Sometimes he is just such a bloke, other times he is scary with wisdom and sageness :)

And .........my........ticker........is............mov ing..........sooooooooo.....slowly................ ..


:pink-babydust::bluedust: and love to all

xx

I just wanted to come in and bestow so love, hugs, stickyvibes and babydust on to you all. It seems like it's all much needed at the moment.
:heartbeat: :hug: :stickyvibesboy: :pink-babydust:

Huge hugs to my partners in crime. Thanks for the foursome chat the other night. You are all amazing and I love you all. I feel like I can truly share with you without feeling guilty or embarrassed(when I am a silly little monkey) :grouphug:

To everyone else; Be strong, stay strong, heal yourselves, love yourselves, and above all, believe in yourselves and your future babies! :D

Ruthie--Hope you manage to have yourself a :happybirthday: I know just how rough it is on you right now, especially today--when you were hoping to not only celebrate your b-day, but celebrate seeing your little one on the u/s. :hug: I'm so very grateful you have your DS to cuddle and hold in your arms today--things must have been so confusing for him lately! :( I wish you continued strength to get thru these dark days, hun, I think your determination and courage are amazing! Don't expect too much out of yourself right now... just give yourself the time you need to heal physically and emotionally--we're here for you every step of the way! :hug:



Toccara--I wish I could heal your broken heart, hon, or at least say the right thing that would make it all go away... I know that's impossible, but I can't help but wish it! I hope you're able to surround yourself with supportive family, friends, or loved ones right now--is DH already gone for his training? :hug: Please remember that I'm here for you, whenever you need me! You can always PM me or e-mail me if you aren't quite comfortable posting yet. You're always in my thoughts, hon! :comfort:



mollycat--You must get your guts, determination, and strength from your dear ol' dad! :hug:



:hello: Tam!