TTC after Miscarriage or Loss ~ February 08

Just thought I would write because I am on day 28 tomorrow and considering as how I normally have a 25 day cycle it is getting really hard. I was at work today and couldn't concentrate on anything because all I kept thinking is am I or aren't I. I know it probably isn't likely seeing how I haven't even had a cycle since the miscarriage but it is all I can think about. I went out at lunch to go to the bank and it was really hard to not go and buy a test. I decided if nothing has happened by wednesday then I will buy a test then. I need to know but dont want to know.

fingers crossed for you hopingsoon.
i am felling better today dont know what my body is doing , my temp went up today, who knows?

Tempus - how are you doing hun?
Smilanatu - how u feelin? haven't heard from you for a while...
Katiegirl - thinking of you tonight and wishing you loads of the right comfort and support that you need
Hopingsoon - I know that feeling as I'm sure we all do of wanting to know but not wanting to know. I prob would have taken 3 tests by now only cos I'm so impatient. We're here for you hun - take your time.
Canary, Magda, Angel Babies, Anthony's mum & the rest who are o-ing - happy BDing :) and lots of :stickyvibesboy::stickyvibesgirl: !!!!
Nickster - :crossfingers: for you and thanks so much for the cheesecake - it was YUMMY!! :)
Hi to the rest of you lovely ladies and wishing you a happy day!!

Hello ladies,

I usually just lurk around here and read your posts and keep my fingers crossed for those BFPs, but today was such a bad day that I need to just talk to somebody and I you are the only ones that will understand.
I went to see my doctor today to have some tests run for a possible luteal phase defect. I waited an hour, which did not even annoy me, I had to reschedule at the last minute so I was just grateful that my doctor could take me at the last moment. But as I was sitting there, there were all those pregnant women around me, all talking about their due dates and how their pregnancies are progressing. And all they have to read in the waiting room are those magazines about pregnancy. And then I had something called endomentrial biopsy done I think, and this was just so painful, nobody prepared me for this.
To make it worse, my husband is away on business, so I am here alone, he will not be back until Friday. Somebody on this forum, sorry, I do not remember who, said that they are grateful for the child they already have, because it would be so hard to go through this if this was #1. Well, it is #1 for me, and I am 40, and right now I just want to give up, because I feel like TTC is taking over my life. I am becoming obsessive, I constanly count days to O, days to AF, I am sure you can relate to this, and then I have this feeling like this all may be in vain, it will never happen to me and that 40-year old women have no business having babies and then I feel guilty for not trying it before.
Sorry for rambling, but I actualy feel worse today than right after my mc, and I have nobody to talk to, and even if my husband was here, I do not think he would quite understand.

Hi Luna,

I just wanted to quickly say that I hope you are doing okay today. It sounds like you have had a very difficult and emotional day. I agree that it is cruel to sit surrounded by reminders of pregnancy knowing full well that you are no longer part of that circle. I think it is very easy to become obsessed with TTCing, and it is hard because the more you think about it and stress the more they tell you that you need to relax! I also lost my first, and I think it feels all the more cruel because we fell the first time we tried. I realised at 5weeks that I was 4 days past AF. It was such a lovely surprise. Now this time around, I am eyes wide open about my cycle and when to test. Sometimes I think that I won't fall pregnant for that very reason - because I am wanting it too much.

I think you need to try be kinder to yourself (and I know this is hard) and not focus on what you didn't do. Maybe look into a relaxation CD or yoga, just to give you an opportunity to not think about ttcing.

I hope you will be okay this week, and that you find comfort and support here. Take care and a big hug :hug:

First I m going to smack your hand and then second give you a big hug.......

What this garbage about 40 year old women having no right............. what, you turned 40 and became a less worthy person on this planet. I know toooooooo well that the age factor puts additional pressure on, sometimes that clock ticks so loud you cant hear your own thoughts, but please dont every think you arent worthy of having a baby.

I am incrediably lucky and I do have my 2 sons. I also count what day of my cycle it is knowing that I am limited in the amount of times I can get the BFN. Its hard but you just make a decision. Is this what I want.... If its a big fat yes then you just do. You do wake up and take your temp or go to the accupuncture or anything else or any hoop you have to jump. And while your jumping through those hoops you put a smile on your face and keep a positive frame of mind so as to give you baby to be a fighting chance. Its not easy.....Ohhh God I know its not easy, but we are who we are, we are the age we are, and we made the decision to do whatever we can. Try not to feel down about it try to find a positive. Even when you are at your worst.....LOOK for that positive, you will find it somewhere.

As for me ladies, its off to pick up my babies and the urn today, and my positive in that........ at least they will be back with me an I can look at something when I talk to them instead of staring off into space. (wouldnt want a big white jacket being put on me as i chat away to the up aboves)

Sorry Luna.... dont mean to be to direct.... I do understand...it does hurt... but you can do it... have faith in yourself ... you deserve it just as anyone else does... HUGE HUGS :hug:

Hi everyone

Luna: :hugs: It's hard not to be consumed by TTC. I feel like it controls my life at times.

Hopingsoon: :crossfingers: Sending lots of positive vibes, I think we're overdue for a BFP in here and it might be your turn! You must have so much strength to resist buying a test. Do you temp? If so what is your temp tellng you?

Bettyboop: not long till your appointment now - woohoo.

ll80: glad you are feeling positive. Hope you get your new wheels soon.

Anthonysmom: Hope the bd'ing is a success this month.

Tempus: hope everything is ok for you. Have been thinking about you & still sending the positive vibes to you and your family.

No news from me yet, 10dpo today so will know one way or the other on the weekend. Have a friend coming to visit who is pg so will try not to get too depressed if it's a BFN for me (happy for her but you all know how it is). Am feeling positive at the moment as have tender boobs and have had that metallic taste on and off since 7dpo, temp also has same pattern as last time I fell pg. Trying not to read into it too much because my mind can play tricks on me sometimes. Still going to wait until af is due (or overdue if I can be really strong) to test.

Hi Luna - I'm not sure if it was actually me that was the person you mentioned who said what they did but I do know of several women who were well and truly into their 40's who conceived their first child naturally. I certainly know about obsessing about TTC - it takes over all other thought or relates to all other thought. The time I think I could distract myself with a hobby while my son sleeps or watches TV, I am actually on this computer logged in to see where you are all at and seeing how much more I can learn to get pg faster. I don't even find comfort anymore that I have already a child and that means I can have another. Instead I think that I am older now or something might have happened to me cos of the m/cs and now I may have a problem. My DH is wonderful and attentive but it doesn't stop me from feeling completely alone. I thank my lucky stars and my angels above that I have stumbled on this website and it gives me what I need when I need it. My hope is that it helps you too so that you can build your strength and have clearer conviction to achieve your goals and hold your little one one day. As Katiegirl said, I too think you need to be kinder to yourself and have faith that someone out there or up there has a wonderful plan for you that will unfold in time. I humbly say these words as they do help me.

I knew I can count on you to understand and try to cheer me up. I actually do feel a bit better right now, had a good day at school (going to graduate school), at least something went right.
plc1805 - I know that you weren't "stkicking it to me". Actually, I wonder if it may be harder for you already moms out there, because you know exactly what you are missing, while I can only take a guess. But I still think that my clock would not tick quite so loud if I already had a child. Of course, I may be very wrong.
Katiegirl, AJC, Angel Babies - I will take those hugs, thank you. I feel so lonely today without my DH here, that those virtual hugs are double sweet.
Going to take a hot bath now, it is the end of the day for me here. Thank you so much, you really made me feel better and not quite so alone with all this.

Hopingsoon: I am wishing you a BIG FAT BFP!!!

Luna: I am so sorry to hear about your day. I hope that your day took a turn for the better. But Luna, 40 is the new 20s. This is what I keep telling myself because I am 41 and trying to have a baby. And of course after my mc I have thought that I should have gotten pregnant sooner, but like I said before we can't lament on the past. We just need to keep looking ahead. I am trying to cheer you up here so I hope that I am succeeding. Don't give up, talk to the dr make sure everything is ok and keep trying. Try to relax. I know that is easier said then done, trust me I know, but you have to try.

We are here for you.

I hope everyone else is doing well this evening.

Hi All - hope your days are good.

Luna - glad to hear you had a better day. It gets rough at times and it is so easy for the grief to consume you. I understand this feeling, and unfortunately all we can do is ride the wave. The one thing I have learnt is to ask for help when I need it, and this is not something that comes naturally to me.

Well, I am guessing that I should O in about 4 days but I have just realised that I have had no CM to prove this. In the past I would start getting clear fertility CM in the days leading up to O. My naturopath thought that I might not have Oed last month as there was no high temp rise (but FF did mark CD15 as O). I am worried I might not O again...and that would be pretty depressing. Fingers crossed some signs start happening. I plan to keep TTCing anyway. Tomorrow is my birthday so surely I deserve to O just as a present.

Off to SIDS support group tonight - called Hope and Healing. I am a bit nervous. More so about possibly hearing of others grief and it bringing up mine more. I have been doing really well the last couple of weeks (with some sad moments but not too prolonged) so I don't want to bring myself down again. I am sure it will be useful but am still nervous.

Well it day 28 past o today. I do have a sore back but I don't know if that is because of af coming or just a sore back that I do get sometimes. I still haven't had any spotting except for that really small amount back when I would normally have been due. My temps are still a lot higher then they normally are. They normally average in the luteal phase about 36.45 and are around 36.5 and higher. I was going to buy a test tomorrow but am thinking of waiting a bit longer. Just a bit chicken I guess. Thanks for all the positive vibes. I'm hoping they're not wasted.

wow do test sounds very hopeful, fingers grossed

Hi Everyone,

Nice to see you again, Magda. :hug: Sorry to hear that you have been through some tough stuff recently. It's good that you are back. Your cylce seems to be in synch with a lot of the ladies here, we are all planning a bit of BD ing around valentines day!

Luna, No, no, no, 40 is defo NOT old. I have seen SOOOO many women in their 40's recently who are pg (AND considering more!!) Like someone else said, pregnant ladies are popping out of the woodwork everywhere these days. I am glad that you feel a bit better now. Hope DH comes home soon.

Hopingsoon, I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation. Good luck and :bluedust:
Katie, I hope that your SIDS group session went OK and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!:happybirthday:

After my low mood of Saturday, I have been feeling quite good this week. For once, I have managed to put TTC to the back of my mind and get on with things. DH, on the other hand, is getting a bit frisky, and wont listen to the every -other -day idea for BD! He thinks it should be pretty much ALL the time! Tee hee!:lol:

Betty, I am going to be out tomorrow, so wont be around to wish you lots of luck for your appt on the 14th:goodluck:

Hope everyone is doing OK. Maybe we will see a couple of BFP's before long;)

We got the call this morning that FIL died. They're making the funeral arrangements now.

Keeping fingers crossed for all you ladies.

So terribly sorry Tempus for your loss. Another sweet angel to look over you...... :hug:

So sorry to hear your sad news TM. Extra special hugs for you and DH xx

TM, I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: