That's great nes cj's mum! I hope it keeps going well for you.
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That's great nes cj's mum! I hope it keeps going well for you.
Greetings all - I wish it were under better circumstances.
Having had a miscarriage in May, I was devastated to have to have my second pregnancy removed via d&c. I found out last week that it was a partial molar.
DH wants to start ttc as soon as we're allowed to - but keeps stressing no pressure. We've been told that we only need to wait a few normal cycles before we can.
I'm torn between wanting a baby - desperately - and not wanting to put myself through this pain a third time. Any of you lovely ladies how any advice for how you've balanced these two emotions?
No advice on balancing the emotions - I have had plenty of meltdowns along the way, I promise. The wait is a bit of a blessing like that - now that I'm at the end of it, I feel strong enough to face that fear head on. There's so many other things you have to face in that waiting time, like insensitive comments, and holding other people's babies, and pregnancy announcements, and seeing pregnant people smoking/drinking/shooting up... and it was so so so hard at the time. For me I also had to go back to work in a childcare centre. So I really know now how strong I am, and I feel really ready to face the pg journey again.
You can do this. You can, and you'll be OK. Lots of people here for you when you need it :hug:
You got that right about the insensitive comments - right after the first miscarriage, a friend who knew we were trying started goading me "you're pregnant already, aren't you?". Right after I found out about losing no 2, there was a comment on my cousins facebook joking that she was going to sell her baby. That's what I find the hardest - the people who have babies, and had a comparitively easy time with the whole process and they just do not realise how lucky they are.
Snugglybean, send a little of that strength this way - I can't get over how amazing you must be. :hug:
Hi Girls - welcome and welcome back
Cookie - only advice i can give is take one day at a time - a cliche I know but I don't know how else to get through it. I've just passed halfway in my six month wait and it is dragging so badly. But i did recently imagine how it will be when I finally get to hold that perfect new baby in my arms and it made me realise i will appreciate the miracle so much more.
cj's mum - hope all still going well - i guess one good thing about all this is we get to have extra scans and see our babies earlier!
snugglybean - all the best with the ttc and hope the ski trip is/was awesome.
oh yeah and one other good thing about not being pg at Christmas - loads of seafood, ham and bubbly!!
tc
tac - bottoms up on the bubbly! Have one for me - I have given up already, I'm in the "body is a temple" phase of TTC! SO many people askign me why I've given up coffee, drinking, etc. It's kinda fun because I have told everyone that we definitely can't start trying until after Japan (nobody questions it) so that takes a lot of the pressure off!
cookie - you're just as strong as me, you just can't see it yet ;)
Dealing with other people's "easy" pregnancies has been the absolute worst for me. One girl at work whingeing about the tiniest little niggles, makes me want to go "Uncomfortable? Mate, let me make you feel uncomfortable..."
And another, even though she's been really sick, didn't plan her pg, she found out because I gave her an HPT, at 7 wks, because she couldn't afford one :omg:
And DH's cousin, who is due one year from the day we found out we were expecting.
And my friend, who got drunk and slept with another friend, due a month after I would have been.
An ex-colleague, who came into our staffroom (my refuge) and started referring to the baby she was carrying as "the little b i t c h"
I had a good solid cry at every single one. I have cried a LOT. It helps.
I think that exercise helps too; I saw a counsellor who absolutely agreed with me.
My follow-up time falls into three phases:
"Clean-up phase" where I drank heaps of water, heaps of green tea, ate really "freshly" and exercised a lot until my HCG levels got to zero.
"Self-destruct phase" where I did a lot of emotional processing. There was a lot of anger in me over the whole thing. I couldn't care for my body anymore - I crashed my bike, I got drunk a few times, I picked fights with people. It was like I wanted to punish my body for betraying me.
"Strength phase" where I started to realise what the journey had given me, and I started picking up the pieces to get ready to start again.
I have to admit, I've been going to town on the skinless ****tail frankfurts. Craved them more than anything in October.
Fortunately I don't know anyone who is actually pregnant right now. There is a woman at DHs work who is about 5-6 weeks ahead of where I should have been. She rocks up late every morning "because she's pregnant". And keeps going on about the strange things her body is doing to her. At least I don't have to put up with that!
My hcg on Friday (16 days post d&c) was still over 2000. Maybe someone here knows if that is good/normal/ugly?
Just got back from the u/s to see if there is anything left over. It was a tv scan, as I have a retroverted uterus (cause I'm difficult!). I must have been there for a good 20-30 minutes. Never want to think about :bd: ever again after that! Apparently it was a tricky one - being only 3 weeks from my d&c my lining isn't all it could be? Or something. I didn't really begin to understand the technicalities he was going on about! He measured a few things though :confused:. Guess I'll have to wait until I can speak to my ob.
Cookie - 2000 is reasonable. It will take a while for the levels to come down. Mine took 50 days, and that is on the quick side. One warning is that your first AF after the d & c is brutal. I heard that from a few people, so thought I was prepared, but I seriously could not have imagined just how heavy it would be. I was getting up in the night to change pads.
So, my levels were
at d&c - 34000
8 days - 811
2 wks - 119
3 wks - 27
4 wks - 11
5 wks - 4.9
6 wks - 3.1
7 wks - 1.5
8 wks - <1.2
Josijo's weren't that different to mine, but both of our were really quick. My DH built a prediction model, because apparently these figures fit exactly on a power curve, which he was super-excited about (nerd :rolleyes: )
Psychologically, I really believed I could "flush" the hcg out by drinking heaps of water and drinking green tea. Whether or not that had anything to do with my drop, we'll never know. But it did give me the feeling that I had some power over an issue I felt really out of control over.
I hope you're going OK :hug: It's such a hard time.
I don't know what my hcg was to begin with - which makes it hard to understand. All I know was that at about 6 weeks it was 90-95000ish.
My ob's office called today. They said my u/s looked surprisingly good, and doesn't match up to my hcg findings. They want me to take another blood test. Then she told me the ob wants me to come in tomorrow. So now I'm worried about that. They were insistant that the ob wants me to come in AS WELL AS getting the draw done.
I've known a few men like that - :lol:
Cookie - it'll be fine. Be thankful that you're getting such quality care that they are squeezing you in. Really, truly, everything will be OK. Thinking of you tomorrow.
Thank you snugglybean! I am thankful for the care I'm getting from my ob. My medical care during and after K.T. left a little bit to be desired. I just wish everything were ok now, I guess. 21 days and counting til KT's edd, and I've got to deal with a 2nd loss, and whatever tomorrow may bring.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
hey cookie - thinking of you today and praying for good news and extra support around to help you through this horrible time.
tc
Thank you!
My scan showed that my uterus is completely empty, which is obviously good, but in a sad way. He's concered that my hcg last week came back so high, but as my levels weren't tested after 6 weeks (which were 95000!), it's highly possible that they got REALLY high, and it's just taking a while to come back down. Had to see the vampire again today, which will show if I've dropped or not - not that I need to tell you guys about that!
He's only willing to talk about the idea that my levels may be dropping slowly, doesn't want to start to unnecessarily paint any other picture for us until he has more information (ie: tomorrow), And then he made 50 million jokes to get our minds off where the nasty thoughts were taking us - I've come away in such a good mood!
I want my numbers back NOW!
826, 826! Who ever thought I'd be excited to see my hcg's dropping!:dance: It means they are a third of what they were 6 days prior.
jkgkjg
I'm going for my last test tomorrow! It's supposed to be Weds, but work is too too hectic that day, so I'll go early. I won't get the results til later on - I haven't really bothered to phone up to get them since they've been zero, except one time when AF was late, and I was dying to know the answer!
How are you going Cookie? When's the next puncture?
Hooo-rah! for your last puncture! I hope you get the best result! My next one is Thursday.
Got a bill today - $500. "Specimen type - products of Conception".
Had a bawl over that one. How can losing a PMP cost SO MUCH MORE than having a healthy baby? :angry:
Hi Girls
Cookie - that sort of news really sucks, hey. Make sure you allow yourself plenty of time for wallowing. Eventually it happens less frequently and becomes less painful. I'm finding I'm just starting to think of myself as "almost ready to start ttc" rather than "PMP/miscarriage woman". You'll get there too.
Snugglybean - i'm sure you will get another zero. Have a fantastic trip - wishing you lots of snow and :pink-babydust: in Japan!
josijo - are you ok?
tac
wow, Cookie - i don't know how you got a bill like that. Everything was bulk billed for me - we were out of pocket about $15 for the scan, but that's it.
I still haven't called to get my last blood results (I went on Tuesday morning) the clinic is closed for the day now, so too late to find out. but they usually do mole patrol follow ups on Friday, so I'm sure they'll call tomorrow.
I know it's not really a silver lining or a bright side - but I feel so much more ready to be pregnant now than the first time. I had that 6 month window and I got everything sorted out - teeth, jabs, house, lost 5kg, and am so much closer to my husband now. There is no way I can ever convey to anyone else just how special it feels to have had this journey. OK, so it mostly sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am SO proud of the way our family has emerged from it.
Hang in there Cookie! We're cheering for you!
Hi Girls
Just wanted to share my excitement - finally at the end of our 6 months and have been given the all clear from the OB to try again. Terrified as there is no way of preventing another pmp but trying so hard to be positive.
Day 2 of cycle today so counting down to O day and trying to eat well, exercise etc. Might try the boy diet - lucky I love bananas and apricots!
Hope you are all well - Snugglybean I hope you had a great time in Japan and maybe a BFP by now?
Cookie I hope the time is passing as quickly as possible.
Looking forward to bringing you more good news soon.
tac
tac - that's fantastic. It must be exciting, yet rather daunting. I'm sure you and Snuggly are sailing a very similar boat right now - you''l be able to give each other some much needed support.
I'm unfortunately going the other way. I found out a few days ago that my hcg's have started going back up. Which I find really ood, considering I got my first AF in 6 months 2 weeks ago. They're making me do another weekly test to make sure...but it looks like I'll be requiring some form of medical intervention. Not that anyone will actually tell me anything. That's one of the things I've found the hardest. My GP doesn't know anything, my OB doesn't know enough, and noone at the Women's mole clinic who actually knows anything is actually willing to talk to me!
oh Cookie i'm so sorry to hear that. i can't imagine how you must be feeling - devastated, angry and frustrated i'm sure. funny how nobody else ever seems to think these things are as serious as they are to us. i really hope you get some answers soon, and that whatever treatment you need happens quickly and effectively. maybe a support group would be helpful - sometimes the clinics run them.
tac
Oh, no, Cookie, that is the worst.
It really sucks when you're not getting told anything - when we found out we had a PMP, we were very underinformed too. I remember the feeling. The midwife who manages molars here never called me when she said she would. I ended up writing a letter to their management and things improved, although nothing was ever said to me about the letter. Yell at someone if you have to (I'll do it for you if you like!)and find out what's going on. Alternatively, drop the phrase "well, if you can't tell me, I'll just go home and google it and terrify myself." Keep us posted on what happens, love, plenty of people are here for you.
tac - :dance: yaaaaaay for your all clear! No BFPs here yet. Had a big scare while we were in Melbourne on the way home from Japan, but that was all checked out and I got my all-clear. So, we're trying, but like you, pretty scared! Good luck.
I keep expecting them to call and say, "you need methotrexate, you're coming in on Friday" which would lead to a large argument - my best friends are getting married that day - but that's just the way things seem to be happening at the moment, everything is just picking the worst possible timing.
I'm slowly developing a group of people who are going to start screaming at doctors for me - I can just see us standing outside the womens, with little protest signs...
Had a sudden surge of ewcm over the last few days - either levels are surging and my body is simulating another pregnancy, or it was the big "o". I'm trying to remain optimistic that it's the second! Get my next lot of results on Tuesday - maybe somebody will tell me something then!
There's nothing like Dr Google - I actually used that to figure out I was a molar when I was about 5 weeks, but noone would take my concerns seriously back then!
Hope all your ttc boats are sailing smoothly...
How are you going, Cookie, lovely? Thinking of you lots :hug:
OMG - I got this letter from Monash Medical a few weeks ago,
"A Consultation has been arranged for you in the Gynae Oncology Mou Clinic. On: Wed x March. Arrival Time: 10.30am. At: Outpatient area. If you are unable to attend this consultation, please call phone number".
?!?!? I spoke to Royal Womens, who were quite surprised considering they are the only hospital to have a molar registry, and they knew nothing about it.
I called up, and after about a week of phone calls, found the number in the letter was not the number I needed to call (:angry:). Found the right person, eventually. I was told that Wednesday mornings are THE ONLY time I can have an appointment. Someone in the Oncology dept referred me (I've never seen anyone at Monash before). I was also told that I *had* to attend the appointment because I needed chemo. Which got me fired up, as I pointed out on the phone, I'm being treated by the Molar Registry, and they don't seem to think that I do at this stage. So I cancelled the appt.
I've commented before on my frustration on not being about to get straight answers and not knowing what is going on. And it just gets worse. Apparently NOBODY is actually managing my case, there are just a whole bunch of medical professionals who are taking a little piece of the pie and not talking to anybody else!
I'm at the point where I'm thinking of writing an angry letter to the Health Minister, maybe HE will be able to just put everything on a straight line for me!!:protest:
/end rant
How are you going my snuggly?
Honey, totally do write letters to politicians. Your local and any others. At all levels. Nobody can fix anything if they don't know what's going wrong.
So how are things going with the Molar Registry? Good news that they don't think you need chemo - what are your levels doing?
I'm fine. Shagging like a banshee on CD 16 :D
Hey Cookie, I got my :bfp: Six months and one week after my official zero. I have been crying like you cannot believe - happy, excited, scared as hell.
How are you going?
Snugglybabe, I found out about a week ago that my cousin (who gave birth to her first a month before we started trying) is now pregnant with her second, and I was absolutely devastated (I know that's terrible...). I popped in to see you message, checked your signature, and went "OMG - is that a new date?!" And can I just say, that for you, I am so genuinely thrilled (and not just because I want good stories from PMP survivors)! :loveshower:
My world - I'm half way through my first cycle of Chemo. I have to keep having cycles (4 shots per cycle) until I hit negative, and then have 2 more cycles after that just to be on the safe side. So at best, I'll have 12 shots of the stuff. Then I'll have to wait at least a year before deciding if I want to try again. As much as it sucks, on the bright side I can possibly see an end to all of this now, which I've been waiting for since I found Peanut had died in October.
I've learnt a few lessons, about how something like this can strengthen relationships, and at the same time destroy others.
But OMG - my angel snuggly is UTD! I'll use you to be happy for a while, rather than wallowing in my own pity!
:hug::loveshower:
cookie- im so sorry for your losses and i hope the chemo is going ok, how long do u have left on it? i hope the year after it all goes quick for you.
snugglybean-a bog congrats to you! That’s fantastic news, how far along are you now?
me-im sorry i haven’t been on for a long time, i lost the website. i am now 29 weeks pregnant and everything is going fine. Since last being on my fiancé and i split but we're doing ok. Life just keeps throwing curve balls to see how we cope i guess. i hope you ladies are doing well and hope to hear from you all soon. There is a website i use, and there are so many ladies in our shoes. if you would like to chat to other mums, the website is birth.com.au, there are ladies from all over the place there and they are all a great support. Anyways best wishes to you all.
Hey cj's - thanks for dropping in with your news!
Cookie - how are you managing? Fingers crossed that the chemo works swiftly!
I hear you 100% on strengthening relationships. I cherish the time we spent during our 6 month wait so much. Particularly so because we're in Brissy at the moment and all our families and long-time friends are interstate, so we really had to rely on each other and reach out to our other friends for support. It has, somehow, made our lives richer.
Big hugs to you :hug:
Hi CJ - Haven't seen you before...
Chemo sucks, I don't recommend any of you try it. I guess the process itself isn't too bad...but the side effects, oh my! I have mouth ulcers. I have a throat infection (not so much the Chemo, as my bodys' new-found inability to fight infection) and it is PAINFUL! My eyes are dry/itchy. I sit around at work with my head in my hand, or even better, behind the wheel driving home, and think "would it really be sooo bad if I just had a little nap right now?". And that's not to mention all the cramping down there that we normally only get once a month.
I've finished my first cycle of Chemo, so I've got atleast 2 more cycles depending on how my blood test goes Saturday. It's supposed to start again on Monday, however I suspect it will all get put on hold until my throat clears up, and liver function returns to normal. another delay before my life can return to normal - awesome. :doh:
I keep trying to think of all those who have managed to fall preg after a PMP - although I haven't found many who have after chemo - but then I sit back and think "I don't think I can go through it all again", and part of me is trying to get used to the idea that I will never be a mum.
Hope you're feeling nice and pukey there Snuggly - when I was preg with Peanut, medicos would comment that I was lucky not to have ms - I shook my head and said that I wanted it, give me more of an idea that everything was ok.
Hope things are great with yours too cj's mum!
xox
hi cookie, i posted back in the 1st couple pages. i had a pmp and had to have a d&c what would've been 13 weeks, baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days. i fell pregnant with this baby after a normal period and my levels went to 0, all up i think it was just short of 8 weeks. everything is going good bub wise, im having a little girl :) im 29 weeks today. sorry you have to go through chemo, i hope the times flys by for you and your test go well.
hi snugglybean. hope everything is well with u.
Cookie, that sounds so hard. Fingers crossed for that blood test! Are you gunna do my old "flooding" trick - drinking like 8L of water the day before to "dilute" your blood? I don't know why I thought that would work, but it made me feel like I was the boss of my betas!
I am not pukey enough! Every symptom, I am comparing to last time - is it better or worse to be less sick than last time? Doing my head in, and it's only been a week! Got the first of my bloods taken today - results tomorrow arvo. Will post, since hCG levels are my life! It's been, like 9 weeks since my last one - and that feels like forever! Nice to start the clock again :D
Hi Girls
I've had a couple of positives too - only faint but AF overdue too so I'm taking it as positive. Was really excited initially but now starting to worry as not much in the way of nausea or sore boobs - same when i had the pmp but when i had my baby girl i had really sore boobs. Anyway only 5 weeks tomorrow so really hoping it all starts next week. Had bloods but haven't heard result yet as my OB is interstate.
Cookie your chemo sounds horrible. make sure you demand relief for your symptoms - pain relief, nausea relief etc.
Thinking of you all and praying for healthy babies :pray:
Hey tac, we must be at about the same stage! That's awesome - congrats and good luck! Hope it all goes well for you.
I feel quite different to the pmp. My first beta was 720 - exactly middle of the road. Relieving, from a molar perspective. but still anxiously awaiting the next one - I'm back on the hcg ride!
:loveshower: Love to all :grouphug:
Hi Girls
I hope this doesn't cause anyone any more pain, I'm posting it to try to give you hope.
I finally saw my OB last week (after many reschedulings and bouts of tears) for a review and ultrasound. I was not feeling confident as I'd had a bit of spotting and not much nausea or boob soreness. Any way the ultrasound showed a lovely flickering heartbeat and a baby and yolk sack just the right size for the dates (7 weeks). Hooray! So my OB said that it is definitely not another mole or pmp. Obviously there could be other things go wrong but we are praying that all goes smoothly from here on.
Hope you are all going ok
tc
tac - wonderful news! Congratulations!
I also just got in from my scan. I was SO nervous, and I really didn't think i could go through with it. But I did, and our little blob's heart was thumping away at 145 bpm. I cried. I'm still crying. It's not just joy - I think there's also some latent grief in there.
How's our cookie girl?
Hi Snuggly (*cough* I mean Audax - what's with that?) & tac,
So glad your ultrasounds went well. Though I think that even if I were to go through this roller coaster again, I think I would turn down any ultrasounds - through both my pregnancies they have only given me false hope which just made the heartbreak even worse. The blood tests have always given me the realistic picture of what was going on - ironically with my PMP, I ruled out a molar preg as I could see the heartbeat, and the info I found on the web had said there would be no heartbeat (I thought my bloods were too high, so I went researching cause noone would tell me anything!).
On Saturday 10th April I had my latest blood test. Went in to Royal Womens to start my next round of Chemo on Monday 12th ...my result? >2. OMG - I cried. I have 2 rounds of Chemo left, and then I am done. 24 days before Peanut should have been born I will be finally finished with Peanuts pregnancy.
Obviously there will be follow up monitoring, and absolutely no thoughts of trying again for at least 12 months, but now I have dates, and more of an option to point my life in a direction again. I'm not sure which way to go - the only time my life has had real direction was when I decided I wanted to be a mum. And now that's all gone.
But still...LESS THAN 2!!!
OMG cookie!
:happyforyou:
That is SUCH good news! Time for a ZERO PARTY!!!!
Mate however you decide to go, you'll be great. Hope you have a totally wild 12 months, while you can! You can achieve a lot in a year... a marathon? Kokoda Track? Build an empire and take over the world? :D
:hug: So happy for you my love.