TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010

Kate...that was just gorgeous. So very beautiful and just what i would have wanted to read. You are an incredible lady to have thought of this. Thank you for sharing it here. I am so grateful. Your story is just so heart breaking and so very raw. I am sorry you lost your baby girl just as you were expecting to meet her, take her home and hold her forever. I just don't know what to say. I am glad you got to give birth to her too. I am glad your husband was there and that he knew what you needed...instinctively. What a gift. Sending you a huge hug lovely.


Dory...Yes that is what i heard re c-sections earlier on. No hun, i am not upset at all. like you have so aptly(sp) put...it has helped me find my tears again. I want to talk about it more. I understand it is reliving it but it really helps to do that sometimes. I miss telling her story. Not many people ask anymore. It has been told. Unfortunately it is her only story so i have to relive it at times.
I was thinking fo sending in exerts from my diary to SANDs for their magazine in hope it might help someone and help me keep her memories alive. i am a bit too nervous about it. I am scared for some reason.

Faced a challenge tonight. Had a lovely night at The Waifs...and Mamma Kin. The Waifs came on stage and Vicki was pregnant...about the same timing that i was with DD. Her sister Donna said she had a few months to go which confirmed it for me. I was front and centre staring at her belly all night...i couldn't miss it. I was thrilled for her and felt honoured that she was still performing and giving it her all. If that baby doesn't come out holding an instrument...i will kick myself. But hurt seeing it. I am not sure why this struck a cord. I have facing strangers in the street pregnant. I am facing babies and dealing with it...sometimes not well but i do.
I was not prepared for this reminder tonight. I probably relate to vicki the most out of the two sisters and i used to admire and envy her voice and style...now her belly too. It was also a huge reminder for DH...of our dd, our pregnancy and of our life before- when we saw them last 8 years ago.
i am thrown...a bit angry and upset. Not at anyone...just thrown. I am not sure what is going on in my head. I have just spent the last few hours staring at the one thing i wanted to get away from tonight. I feel really heavy right now...

Dory...glad i can help although I am not sure what i did. I think sometimes...someones words can strike a cord and then other times...can speak to us so vividly it is like they are in our head. I know i find that. xoxo

I AM going for a shower and will try to get some sleep...i have another big day tomorrow and a lot in my head to process. I feel like a pressure cooker right now. xooxo I just want to scream.

Kate - have you written any more poetry? You have such a way with words and they are so heartfelt... if you['re up for sharing I would love to be able to read them and share some of your pain.

Powelly - how is that fear going today?

Chez - how are you doing?

Oh Gi - I think I know that feeling... just all out of kilter, and not really sure what to think or do or say.... I am so sorry that your beautiful escape became something else to overcome.... hugs for getting through.

It's so nice to hear you talk about DD. I really enjoy hearing/reading ( whatever you call it when it's all said in here) .... I had never thought about it like that before, about it being her only story. It's so true. There are many aspects to that story, but there are no more to add. Gosh, I need to really sit with that a while, it is simply so profound and heartbreaking.

Hope your sleep relieved some of the pressure.. but if it didn't? Go to the water, the river, the sea, the creek, and scream... it will help.

I think that excerpts from your journal would be just so helpful for others to read, and good for you to keep telling DD's story. I would read it without a doubt.

This is so off topic, but I just looked out the window and our neighbour is out sweeping up the leaves from the gutter in what looks like her light blue nightie whilst holding an umbrella, as it's raining, and wearing bright orange crocs. It makes me feel very lazy sitting here inside typing..... I've only gotten to know her recently, and despite my description above which makes her sound a bit kooky, she is lovely and has had such a hard journey in this life but such an indomintable spirit. She's currently letting some cutting sprout roots for me so I can plant them. How sweet is that?

Miss B - hiya sweetie.

Lady Tess, Lolly - are you still reading? Hope you're doing ok.

Dory, the fear is still there but not ruling my whole life. To be honest, when I hit "post" after telling my story, I actually wanted to vomit. Hence how strong the emotions still are. However, I'm so happy to say that later that day I felt a lightness I hadn't felt for ages. I guess perhaps talking about it instead of pushing it down to those dark places does actually help in the healing process. So thank you for asking me :-)

How is everyone? Hope you have all had a great weekend. Scan day is next week. We never tell anyone the day or time as we know everyone would worry. Please wish me luck as I'm still petrified.

Hugs

Powelly, Good luck my friend. I hope the scan goes well and you are moving along nicely. Good on you for not letting the fear get the better of you. You are braver than many.
Thank you for sharing your story hun...i am glad it helped you. It helped me to read it. Glad it didn't make you actually vomit.

Dory- your neighbour sounds lovely.

AFM today's vent-...I am struggling with 'tough love'. My nephew is going through a defiant stage at the moment and he will be naughty and then hit or hurt someone...then refuse to say sorry. Well, today i grabbed him by the arm and said 'we are going to go tell Daddy how naughty you are being.'- after me trying to handle the situation first...he just ran around like it was a big game. He lost it, started crying and bla bla bla you get the gist of a 3 yr old's saga. I know in my head this is all part of his development etc but when i cause those tears, i can't help but get so emotional too. Tears well up in my eyes and all i feel is sadness. I feel like let him down. I know this is silly and entirely irrational. I know it is not good for him to only experience the good things with me. I just try so hard to be happy all the time for everyone. I don't allow myself to feel or show my feelings all the time. It is just easier to hide it away...say yes to everything and soldier on. Sometimes however this brings cracks to the surface.
I wish a counsellor was somehow in our budget as i really need to nut some things out. I am so very sensitive to so much these days. My threshold is much lower for handling difficult situations with the kids. My little girl is never far from the surface and somedays it gets hard to hold it together in front of people.
I admit this experience came off the back of the girls there talking about amnio's, the statistics, things being tested, scans....one of the girls is pregnant with baby2 and it was all that type of conversation.
I got up and put my shoes on to play with the kids. I don't get up straight away as i don't want to be obvious and make people feel bad. But i also need to get out of there when i am not up for the conversation.
My SIL later, in the car, apologised for talking about that stuff in front of me. I am thankful she thought to say something. I brushed it off and said it was alright. I said i just need to walk away sometimes so my behaviour is not inappropriate. She said she would like to be looking out for me and she should not have said those things. I said, other people's lives need to go on as normal. But maybe they don't. Why...out of everything -i crave peoples sensitivity and then there is a chance of getting it and i brush it off. I hate having to ask for something. I hate having to need something from someone. I hate being a bother to consider.

I am going through a stage at the moment of wishing things were different. Different as in... i am having trouble with the acceptance part of this journey again. I thought i reached it finally a while ago, but as i type this very sentence the tears are rolling down my face like there is no end to them. The pain in my throat seems unbearable. I can't seem to cry enough to be rid of it, this lump. I want my baby back.
Maybe i shouldn't be writing this in here but i didn't know where else to go. I am struggling with keeping up this normal facade atm- around people. I don't have the space to lose it or maybe i do but i don't look hard enough. I am trying so hard to think of things to talk about...in doing so i am trying also to avoid talking and letting anyone know what i am really feeling.

Right I am out of hear to regroup.
No one need reply..thank you for listening. I think i just needed to get that out and process it. All good in the hood.

Gigi,
I feel for you. I really do. You don't need a budget for counselling. SIDS offers counselling for parents who have lost a child in any way including in pregnancy. They are wonderful and experienced and I know they even talk to people 20 years after their loss. You can call their 24 hr number and they'll help you!
NSW number is 1800 651 186. During work hours you'll speak to a counsellor in the office but after hours you talk to a trained parent who has also been through a loss. They'll help you make an appointment or just talk to you on the phone. I have had huge amounts of support from this wonderful organisation.
One of the hardest things to do is actually get started with getting help.

Powelly I so so hope your scan goes well. Please tell us as soon as you can!

Dory thanks for your ever gentle and kind words.

Good luck to everyone else.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so I'll be edgy all day about that and worried I'll forget something.

Thanks Kate. I will look into it hun. I have been to support meetings but not in such a long time. Nearly 12 mths ago was the last time a went. Maybe i need to do this again.
SANDs have listeners and I know they are trained but I am not sure how much training they get. I will check SIDS out. I think i need to speak to someone to help me get through this step. I am greiving for so much atm...my child, my fertility, my life. A bit stuck i think.

Good luck tomorrow with the MidW...I hope she/he will be a pillar of support. I bet you don't forget a thing and I hope you guys 'click' and you come away feeling really good.
xoxo

Gi - oh my dear sweet blossom.... my heart just aches for you and your pain. I've PM'ed you..... not much else to say right now, except that you are a beautiful woman going through a really tough patch and you don't have to apologise. This is a time for you to be selfish and put your first.

Powelly - GL with your scan, glad to hear fear doesn't reign supreme... and I am so sorry that you felt so upset that you wanted to vomit, but glad later in the day there was some lightening of the load... that is truly one of the best feelings isn't it? To realise you don't feel quite so heavy, or burdened .... Like Gi, I was privileged and honoured to read.. and will gladyl read anymore or again and again....

Kate - hugs.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and a break from the burdens of this gruelling grief journey.

:hiding:
Hi girls, just thought i'd pop in and say hey, while we arent actively TTC atm (only due to being 4 weeks post baby) we will be very very soon. i feel like im going crazy waiting to be able to. while the thought of being pregnant again scares the pants off me and i really dont want to do it again, i know theres no other way to get the reward at the end!
So hopefully i get to know all you lovelys, i wish none of us had to be in this section

Hi lovelies,

Hi skybie! It's so sad meeting in forums such as this one :hug:. I've read about the loss of your beautiful boy, and I am so sorry again hun. I wish the outcome was so different for you. 4 weeks post baby is still so soon isn't it, but I remember I wanted to be pg very soon after I lost my little angel too. I just wanted to be pg again full stop. Not to replace the baby I had lost, but my longing for a baby was so strong that I just couldn't imagine not being pg. It's the scariest journey EVER, but I too realised that if I hid under a rock nothing would ever happen and I wouldn't be enjoying my new wee man ATM. So I wish you all the best in your TTC journey hun, and I'll pop in from time to time to stalk you (and everyone else, lol). This little corner on belly helped me so much after my loss, that I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for the beautiful ladies in here.

Gigi, I'm sorry your feeling down ATM. It sucks hun, and I think you're in need of one of those :hug: Hun, I saw a psychologist about 4 weeks after I lost Josh and only stopped seeing her when Cam was about 6 months. I went to my normal GP and he wrote me a referral to her and I was only ever out of pocket $20 per session. Her full fee was $170 and I got back $150 from medicare. I think it's called mental health plan. You get 12 sessions per 12 months I think, but you can stretch it out to 18 if the psychologist recommends it and you'll need to go and see your GP for another referral.

Kate, thanks so much for sharing Ellen's beautiful story. Big hugs to you and all the best in your new pg.

Hello to everyone else in here, sorry I have been a bit busy ATM, waiting for hubby to return from China next week. Have been crazy busy! But I have been staking you all!!

Big hugs,
B xoxoxoxox

Gi - I just want to reach into my computer and give you a big squeezy cuddle!!! It doesn't suprise me that you are feeling low, given all the recounted stories and recounting your own. Whilst it is therapeutic talking about it, it also feels like a fresh wound at times. I'm also seeing a psychologist and it does help. More so with the strategies I find as she's not the best "talk therapist" but she helps me to build my strength and to learn ways of not dwelling so much on the negatives that have happened to me. Might be worth it. Also, check out Sydney IVF as they have counselling for loss and infertility grief and all the associated feelings. May I ask if you've gone down any roads like that? I can't recall seeing anything in my time in here. Don't feel you have to answer that.

B - Great to hear from you and hear that you are coping with hubby away. I HATE it when DH goes away as he does so much with DS. I'm sure it will be a happy homecoming! I think after my next bubs is born, I'll cease my sessions as I'm feeling great now. She just warned me that I'm at increased risk of PND so we are just going to monitor things. I must say though, being told you are high risk doesn't sit well with me as it just makes you more worried! I'd rather just see how I go and if I get PND then I'll worry about it then!

Kate - hun how are you?

Skybie - Welcome and sooooo sorry for your loss. As much as it sucks having to be part of these types of forums, I'm sure you'll find (as I did) that the wonderful women in here will become firm friends. You can share as much or as little as you like and we are always happy to offer support and advice.

As for me - Scan day is fast approaching. I'm coping ok to be honest, until I think about it, and then the nausea sets in. I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and have spent the week at work preparing everything in case I don't return for a few weeks if something bad happens. I've also prepared the house by cleaning everything, cooking ready meals etc. Does that sound absolutely terrible that I'm anticipating the worst? I just can't shake the feeling and I hope like crazy I'm wrong. Not one person has allowed me to share my fears. All I get is "stop thinking like that" or "everything will be fine" etc. I just wanted someone to say "your fears are warranted" and give me a hug :-(

Anyway, I'll let you all know how I go. Only DH and I know the scan date and time so will be in touch sometime next week.

Big hugs to all, baby dust to all and have a great weekend!

Hello My lovely Ladies.

I have been AWOL I know but I have been reading. It is so bitterweet to read all about all the BFPs... so exciting but so sad for all the BFNs too.

Matthews Birthday (16th Feb) on his memorial service we released 9 blue balloons for every month he was with us, so I decided then that I would release a balloon every year that passes. DH went and got a happy birthday balloon and we went to a little private beach front only locals know about and released it. Watched until we could no longer see it. We got back and after dinner we had a cake and sang happy birthday to him. I thought it was silly but I had also bought his highchair out and sat it at the head of the table. Where he shouldve been.

I was reading though all the posts about birthing our angels etc etc. I know when I concieve again (if I concieve again) bubs will be delievered by C section, about a week early, simply because going through labour again would be just far too stressful on me. Labour with Matthew started at 5.30am and he was born at 5.30pm (pronounced dead at 5.45pm) that entire 12 hours I was of the full belief that I was birthing a live child. and postmorten shows that I in fact was right up till one hour before.

Slater & Gordon have picked up our case and are running with it. I am happy that we are not overreacting. Their specialists have alot of questions that need to be answered and the fact that the hospital is going to be held accountable for disposing of the placenta before post mortem. Almost likened to hiding evidence of a crime. The hospital has stupidly put into writing that Matthew died from a Abruption. and yet I have medical records stating the very reason I was admitted close to death 3 weeks after hemoraging due to retained placenta pieces. So fingers crossed.

AFM and conception, I have more or less thrown my hands in the air. I dont know how to stay motivated. Maybe I need to be in here more often, getting strength from my girls when I need it. I was and have been in a very dark place for a month or so. I stopped the clomid. I just want to concieve so badly I believe the stress is too much for me. What makes me angry is the very doctor who was there for Matthews death now says "well we could try ivf??? " hmmmm ... thing is I didnt have to do any of that with Matthew.

Hope you are all well. Sorry for the long post.

xx to you all
Tess

Hi girls, just popping in quickly will be back in the morning for personals.
we found out on thursday that jacks death was caused by my placenta deteriorating rapidly (was a technical term for it but cant remember it now) not because of a heart attack caused by his heart defect.
so basically if they had of gotten him out like i wanted him to 4 days earlier when they noted that the cord blood flow was showing signs of resisting then he;d still be here today.
i'mnot sure how to process this news. when we thought it was his heart it was easier to deal with because it was something so unpreventable it wouldnt have mattered what anyone did, but now.....i feel like he;s just died all over again!
sorry for the boohoo, needed to tell someone though

Hi girls,

Skybie- Not to sound inappropriate, but welcome to this thread. I was wondering if you might drop by. I have read a post or two about your boy Jack. I am sorry you have gone through losing him.
I am so sorry hun. I can only imagine what you are going through...all over again. I would feel cheated, so cheated and probably pretty angry but that is me these days. I guess it is a double edge sword...I am glad you found out but it has now opened all those wounds again. I am just in awe at your composure and grace. I keep thinking Jack must have been born a long time ago but I know it was only a month ago. Sending you big hugs as I am all too sure that words will not take those feelings away.
Go gently hun and process this in your own way. Do what ever it is you need to, to find peace. My hear aches for you Skybie, I wish you were not going through this. Thinking of you and hoping you fall pregnant as soon as you want to hun. xoox


Tess, so good to hear from you. Matthews day and the ballons sounded perfect hun. I bet he was flying with each one. Such a lovely idea and no it is not silly to bring out his highchair. I think that is wonderful.
As for your next pregnancy which i hope will come soon...you have to just do what is good for you. It sounds like you have it all sorted. Having a bit of a plan is a huge part of being able to take that step forward hun into another pregnancy should we be lucky enough to get it. Good on you for making your choices. That must have been a long day for birthing Matthew. You are a strong woman. It is wonderful i agree for all the BFPs but so sad and frustrating waiting for one of our own. I am with you hun....and hope it is not far away for you at all. xoox
It sounds like the hospital and staff have a few answers to fill in there. You are a brave woman for doing what is right. I hope the outcome is what you deserve hun. I bet it is a bit stressful with all that going on so - hands up in the air...I hear you! It sounds like you need a little break from all the pressure...LOL easier said than done. Me too hun. xoox


Powelly, Thank you for the hugs hun. And the thoughts. I have seen a counsellor about 3mths after D was born. Also up until that i regularly called on the social worker that assisted us at the hospital. At the time I was coping well and they didn't really have much more to say to me other than to let me talk. So for the first year i would go to support meetings at Sands. Life got very busy again and i missed a couple...then i missed a few. I have not been for about 11 mths i think and i miss it. So at the end of the month i will go to one of those again too. But yes. i to need some strategies and some clarity on a few things. I hope this helps and if i need more than i will have to seek out a Psychologist i think, through my GP. I have faith that this lady will be just what a need for now. But there is a feeling that she too can not change what has happened...and even though it is totally irrational i wish there was some way of turning back time! LOL I wish that love, effort, health and will power were enough to make a baby. Wouldn't that be nice. Wouldn't it be nice if that was all we needed to bring our babies back too. Off with the fairies i am tonight. Sorry a bit dark and twisted that was. God now i sound like Yoda...i am thinking of you and sending you nice calming thoughts for your scan hun. Good luck and I hope all will be fine. I don't think what youa re doing it strange...you do what you do to get through. These things will obviously calm you a little more to feel more in control, prepared. Thinking of you . xoxoAnd Powelly.....YOur fear are warrented hun...sending you a hug!!!


Miss B- Thank you hun. I think that will be my next step. It seems financially possible for me too. I will see how this lady is. She sounds lovely. Thank you for you radvice hun....very very grateful to have you around.


Dory- you know where I am at. Thank you my dear friend.


AFM- Well today is 2 years since the day DD died within me. To take you through the thoughts in my head means going back to that day. We went for a walk, we had only been back in Aus for a week. We had an Obs appointment the next day and it was our first one since arriving back to Aus Which was almost two weeks after we found out she was sick and would die. So we went for a walk. The whole family...my little nephew -who was 1 at the time, his mum-SIL and the dog...a dacshund who incidently would not leave my side. We walked to the park for my nephew to play, then on to the brook to complete the circuit home. We held hands the whole time and while my nephew played, DH and i sat on the see-saw together in the centre. We talked to our little baby growing, we told her it was ok for her to leave. We would be ok, she didn't need to stay for us. She had to go. We cried and held my stomach as it was as close as we could be to her. We could hear the children around us playing. We wanted her to go on her own as we feared the very next day we were going to be asked to end her life like the doctors suggested in the UK.

She moved around quite a bit through that walk and the pressure on my bladder was pretty intense. We got home and we took some photos of my belly. The dog was lying up next to me and kept putting her head up on my belly, mooshing her ear against me. She was really cuddly and wouldn't leave my side. We knew this meant something. DH felt her move for the first time that night...well at least we could be sure he did. He held onto that possibilty.

The next morning i couldn't feel her move. I said to DH...I think she is gone, i felt different. But having lost so much faith in my body and my ability to 'know'...we didn't lose our heads in that moment of realisation. I have no idea why but we held hope that the Drs in the UK had got it all wrong. Maybe she would be ok and there would be something we could do for her.

We went to the Obs appointment and there she was, but no heartbeat. OUr hearts were beating through our chest. We just lost it, the pain in our chests, the incredible emotion. All over again, this reality was REAL. She was gone. I was terrified for what might happen next. I had to birth her. I was more ready to do that now then i was in the UK, but i still needed time. We went in the room with a table and chair, a midwife and the Ob and a box of sandpaper tissues. You would think they could supply something a little kinder to the nose...we went through so many and my face felt raw afterwards.

Thankfully my cousin who had also lost a baby gave us the advice to not rush any decisions unless my health was in danger of course. So we gave ourselves time and asked as many questions as possible.

We walked home feeling a bit better about things as there was no pressure to have her straight away. We asked all the questions we needed to and we had some time...week by week monitoring and appointments. Blood tests to make sure i would be ok. As the weeks went by, the Ob had more and more confidence in me too and how well i knew my body. She sent me home with gloves to do my own internals. She told me what to watch out for as far as bruising and discharges, fevers and symptoms of infection. All went well. Each week my health and blood tests improved as i was no longer supporting a sick baby. But i am getting ahead of myself here. That was the following weeks.

So...we walked home. Today...two years ago was the day we named our little girl. For a moment we thought...should we be using our favourite name on a dead child. I know that must sound dreadful but to be honest it was one of our thoughts. Which after thought and discussion...of course we would. She was named. We then walked past a couple of shops...one of which a baby and mother shop. We went in. It was the hardest thing to do knowing our child had just died but we needed to buy her things. We couldn't talk to anyone and the fear that someone would corner us or ask us anything was so full on. My heart was beating a thousand beats a minute. I had to get in and get out. So we bought her a beautiful woolen embroidered wrap for the day she would be born as we found no clothes small enough and her first toy...Derek, the Echidnea. He is cute and sits on our bed. He is funky pink and orange...one eye bigger than the other. Very cool dude. We looked through all the stuff, we saw a mammas and pappas blanket we wanted to buy in the uk and distracted ourselves by commenting on the price difference...much cheaper over there and we should have bought it there. Not that it will be used now.

We went home and took more photos of my belly, made appointments to help bring on her labour...acupuncturists, herbalists, alternative drs. I wish I had my chiropractor but she was on mat leave at the time. It was so difficult going in and explaining the situation that we needed to find ways to help my body get ready for labour...tone the uterus, boost my Vit K, encourage contractions...because our baby had died. Everyone would look at us with such shock...it became a little amusing. I was so obviously pregnant...fairly big, some swelling along with her. People would ask me what i was having. i will never forget...Bunnings, and the cash lady asked if we knew we were having a boy or a girl...to which i said girl, but she has died. My usually response would be to just say girl and a hint of a smile. But this day i thought...bugger this...this is real. Poor woman didn't know what to do. I was not a cow about it...just told the truth. The truth just sucked big time.

Anyway thank for letting me blab some of that stuff off my head. DD was not born yet until the 21st of April....a long wait to have her but it was healing having that time too. I would not have done it differently but I hope with all my heart that i will never have to. Maybe oneday i will be lucky enough to be pregnant again. I remember walking home that day...when we named her and we were so devastated. We grieved for DD but we also greived for the loss of a pregnancy that took us 10 years to acheive. I remember feeling like we were starting from square one. But we also knew we needed to keep our strength...she was yet to be born. We held it together for so long. Dh was able to grieve some but we held it together living with my brother and SIL at the time...and my little nephew.

Sorry for such a long blabby post. God i remember that like it was yesterday.
This year we have ordered a sketch to be drawn of her. We have ordered two...from two differnet artists just in case we don;t like one. We hope we like both and they can both go on our wall.
Thinking of you all xoxoox

Just a quick one to say the scan went soooo well. We are expecting another beautiful, healthy baby boy and the relief,,,,, well, words can't describe.

Will write more later. Gi, can't give you big enough hugs right now.

Powelly...hugs right back to you hun. That is wonderful news and I am so so happy for you. I can breath a little easier! So I am sure you will too.
I was thinking of you this morning and wondering how it went. That is just great...a bundle of blue!!

Congrats sweety. xx

Gigi :hug: gorgeous, thank you for sharing. i'm about to head for bed, i hope i find some time tomorrow to share Jacks story

Night hun. I look forward to reading a bit about Jack whenever you get to sit down. Thanks for listening/reading. It helps to unload even if her story is told over and over...Thank you.

Gigi, i thought about you alot last night in bed, you really are amazing.
I've posted my birth story in the birth story section of the forum, thank you for giving me the strength to do it. i honestly thought i never would. But so many BBer's followed our journey, it feels right to do it now :)

DF went to the cemetry yesterday to visit Jack and he had an experience.
At his funeral us and our family members released 12 individual monarch butterflies. 1 stuck onto DD2's dress for about 20 mins, then flew onto DD1's arm, then onto my head, then onto the flowers next to his grave. From that day i've seen more monarch butterflies than i care to count. But DF has always just laughed at us when we mention it.
But yesterday he said he was standing there and got very emotional, and at that point a monarch butterfly flew past him and settled on Jakcs grave, as if to tell him its ok. NOW he believes that Jack does come to check on us in butterfly form.

I'm nearly 5 weeks post baby, i havent bled in about a week, but i'm starting to get crampy, hopefully AF isnt too far away!