TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010

Welcome Freya to our group. I'm sorry for all your losses :hug: I hope you can find some answers soon.

I had a bunch of testing after just 1 m/c because I figured I was too old to mess around if there was something detectable. We didn't find anything, though for the next pregnancy I went onto progesterone support until the end of the first trimester. (I have a shortish LP and started spotting at the same time in both pregnancies)

Gigi1 - good luck with the info night tonight. Is it for local or international adoption? I understand either is quite difficult. Do you mind me asking, I see you just want to try natural ways to conceive. Have you ruled out testing or medical help? Just curious, as DH has never supported the idea of IVF. He prefers the idea of adoption if we can't make a healthy baby ourselves.

I hope everyone else is well.

Just a general question. We received an invitation from the hospital for a baby memorial service next month. Has anyone been to one? Is it religious? I'm not sure if it will be worthwhile. We had a funeral. We're grieving. I'm not sure if there's any benefit to going to a generic service. Has anyone found one to be any use?

I'm doing OK for the most part. It was difficult reading people's FB statuses last week about kids starting school, knowing our little boy will never have that milestone. Then there's friends babies with their first tooth or learning to crawl - all milestones we'd be dealing with about now or soon. So I had a teary session about that over the weekend.

btw - in case you don't know: there's now a private grief and loss support group on BB. There's not many of us in there atm. I find it's a safer place to let out some of the deeper emotions of grief where not anyone from the public can read it.

Tash...great to hear from you hun. Thanks for letting us know about the other private group on here. I think i might check it out. Might be just what i need right now.

We have had hormones tested a few times, blood tested, op for cyst removal and endo removal, seen an endocrinologist, had many a scan, Sperm tests, testing through some alternative means- Mora and Kenisiology, Fertility counselling, bla bla bla...the list goes on. Yes but that is as far as we will take it with AC. Many therapies, natropaths and the like. Everything has come up with shrugs...not sure how they can help us. IVF is a tremendous option for many people, just nto for us. Most of benefits we have found by managing my estrogen. I most certainly have estrogen dominace but it doesn't come up in the tests. Chinese herbs, diet and exercise has helped a great deal but right now...i am struggling with getting back to that. It has not been cheap nor easy.

Well long story about tonight...will explain more when hubby is back at work. Right now i want to spend all the time i have with him. We didn't get there...will chat later. xoxoxo

Tashy - hmm, I haven't been to a memorial service run by the hospital... the one I went to doesn't do them, but one of the larger hospitals nearby does and I have thought about going to that one. I suppose it depends on the hospital but the one rn by the Mater here in Bris isn't particularly religious and candles are lit and there was a choral piece by some nice young women last year. My friend gt invited but didn't go. I suppose each person makes their own decision about whether it's right for them or not?

thanks for the tip about private group.... sorry that you're doing it tough right now. hugs.

Gi congrats on being RAK'ed.... yay for gorgeous girls. Time for a nap for me.... I promised myself I wouldn't be on here as much today.....

Tashy,
I suppose the memorial services are a place to go if you need a way to acknowledge your bubba. I am in no way religious (nothing against it either) but my thought is it is another way of remembering your baby and I guess i would go if i thought it might help me to do that. I am finding other ways at the moment but i wouldn't rule it out for me maybe one day...if i felt like it. My DD was born at the RBWH in Bris and they hold services. I guess it is like going to a support group, a ritual of remembering. Sometimes it is nice to do something that revolves around the idea and memories of your baby. But i think it is a little religious...i would imagine not over the top though as it is there to help many denominations.
If up your alley i say go for it. Each to their own my sweet.

Oh my goodness I am RAK'ed...again. I can't believe it and thanks to you Dory...I have only just noticed. Yay how amazing. Oh how lovely. Thank you thank you to whoever did this. I am most grateful. xooxoxox Skipping now....look at me go.

Well I had a very special day today. Hubby was home, spent time with a friend, saw a flick and went to Pizza for dinner. So yummy...starter was stuffed zuch flowers -love them!!!
I should explain...just to bore you all. The adoption evening did not go to plan but in some wierd way ended perfectly. We were leaving 10-15mins late and then hit monster traffic, every red light, got stuck in a one way street for longer than intended and then couldn't find a park. Byt this stage it was a good 45min into the evening and we really felt like the universe was working against us. I burst into tears feeling like we should just never be parents. Concerned the whole way there how bad it looks for us to waltz on in to an adoption evening not even able to arrive on time. I felt like we had a big black tick next to our names...even though i know it doesn't work that way....i felt it regardless. A little down trodden, we were both so disappointed which lead to an emotionally charged evening....

We ended up grabbing some sushi. We then walked the streets of the city checking out window displays when we got stuck in a wintergarden arcade bawling and passing tissues to each other at what situation we were in. Vowed to each other to refocus a few things and get back a little of what feels lost. Don't get me wrong we are fine, just both of us are heartbroken and i think if you leave it unchecked it can fester. We btoh got a lot off our chest which was just what we both needed. Hopefully more of that to come.

So long story short...ha, we didn't get there and will have to make the next one Tash before i can answer your questions.
A good day today. My house is a mess and needs my undivided attention tomorrow so i may not be on here much. Check you ladies soon.

Love, laughter and baby dust to you all. xoxo

Gi - you've got a little of your mojo back... I can feel it in my bones.

What a pity your evening didn't work out as planned, but I know you had reservations about going anyway, and even though perhaps not the place you would have chosen, a shopping mall, to get back in touch with yourselves, the outcome of your evening sounds so much better than it would have otherwise been. The other thing - good for you for being prepared with tissues! I love a woman who has tissues on hand.

You are so wise and so serene. We are truly blessed to have you to guide us and support us.

You must be out CD 23 today? Hoping that when you lest expect it, the baby dust settles once again on your gorgeous shoulders. Keep up the good fight.

Hi to everyone else, sorry not in the right headspace for more persies today. Hugs.

Yes hun CD24 today. Bless you my friend. You are just wonderful. I know better to not knock back a compliment in here but i will say this...whatever you see in me, I am holding a mirror up to you all. So take that! You are all such wonderful women.

Not coming in to stay today guys...I am not typing well and a lot i need to address.
Love to you all and hope you have a lovely day today.

xoxo

Hi ladies

Gigi - I just want to reach through the computer and give you and DH a huge hug. I have been thinking of you both as well as we approach March. And even though I am pg, it doesn't make it any easier. It sounds to me like the universe was conspiring to keep you away from the adoption night as you're not ready to be there but you had a good outcome to open up to each other and talk about a lot of issues. I really hope things turn around for you soon hun :hug:

Tash - I haven't been to one of the hospital memorial services as we don't like to attend public events to commemorate what we see as a very private thing, but that is us. If you do go I hope it gives you some solace and comfort.

Hi to Dory, sarahrach and Powelly. Hope everything is going well with you.

Freya - I hope you are treating yourself kindly hun. Go gentle on yourself and make sure the world does too!

AFM, well 18 weeks now. It has been a hard couple of days for me emotionally as this is the time of my pg that we lost our DS. Lots of things are making me cry atm - listening/watching the news, movies, etc. I still try to avoid things that I know will trigger the tears, we both do actually, but sometimes it is the things that we least expect that can turn on the tears for me. And with this time comes the worry. As I have an anterior placenta again I can't feel any of splodge's movements even though I know he/she is wriggling about inside of me. We saw our ob last week and watching splodge give my placenta good old kick but it was so surreal because I couldn't feel anything. I know that there is a baby inside me but somehow I can't make the connection to my growing stomach, the baby I see on the ultrasounds, and a future baby held in our arms. I am hoping that once I start to feel movement that I will be able to resolve these issues in my head. To try to make the baby more real for me we bought some little things for him/her on the weekend. A beautiful cot blanket with elephants, hippos and zebras on it, two beautiful onesies, and some bath toys and a brightly coloured fabric book. We both chose items and it felt good to put them away in the special drawer of splodge's things. No nursery items yet, not for a while anyway. I have taken a personal day today to catch up on some rest - I can't believe it is almost half over!

Baby dust and sticky vibes to all.
ox

Chez - thinking of you my dear..... sending you lots of strength and love.

It is so hard, to approach the gestations of our angels, and all the worry that comes with those dates, both old and new. I like the way you and DH each chose some special things for splodge. It's a very big step and I am so proud of you.... see there is some belief there..... else you wouldn't have done that. I'll bet you were a bit scared to actually comit to buying them too? It's good to try to do things to cherish your little spolodge, as hard as it is. I believe in you and your spolodge.

Not long now and you will feel splodge move, pity about the anterior placenta.... annoying little thing and not long again and you will be holding a take home splodge in your arms. It is so easy to be disconnected from splodge right now - so many different things - your belly growing, your body changing and nuturing your little miracle, your heart wishing the time away, time dragging so slowly by but at the same time slipping through your fingers, seeing your bubs on u/s. All I can say - if you need reassurance, have more scans, so that at least you can see your little splodge. In time the whole disconnect will actually connect up... honestly... and you will start to feel more connected to the pregnancy... it takes more time to feel connected to the idea of a baby though...

Go gently on yourself. I hope you find some peace.... sending you my love.

Wow - hard yards for us all for different reasons. I wonder if I will be destined to relive each moment leading up to when we met each of our bubs for the rest of my life? It's the 21st of Feb and today is the day, 2 years ago, that I first started to get mild contractions, as a precursor to birthing Amelia far too early. Though at this point in time they were so mild I didn't realise exactly what they were....

At times I think I am at peace with the decisions I made and things I did and didn't do ... but right now on the cusp of reliving the last moments of my pregnancy with Ameila, I wonder if things would have been different had I acted sooner on those mild cramps?

Deep breath in..... I know, I am just beating myself up about something I can't change and something I will never know the answer to.. but still, on this day that question always seems to surface...

Teni said the other day she had a melt down wishing she could just touch Ianto again... how true blossom how true. Right now I would dearly love to hold my firstborn darling daughter, and drink in her soft delicate scent, and marvel at her absolute perfection and beauty and brown brown hair and just capture that moment in time. Fly free darling girl. Mummy loves you.


Gi - thinking of you.

Oh boy... the tears are flowing today. I will not stay long as it is challenging to see the keyboard right this moment.

Chez, You were the first person I knew of on here that had lost a baby. Some dear soul told me about you to help me not feel so alone. That eventually lead me to here. I can not imagine how you feel right now...the mix of emotions, the push and pull. 18wks, Wow. That, although the feelings it brings...is amazing. You have reached a huge milestone. I think it is just great that you have decided to celebrate this little life by buying some little things for splodge. Splodge makes me chuckle. I can't seem to type it without a big smile.
Thinking of you hun and I know you are going through some pretty incredible moments...fear, bliss, happiness, trepidation. You will get there i promise. oxox
I think you are rigth re the adoption night...it was not the right timing. I believe things are supposed to flow effortlesly and sometimes we need to fight for it...but it seemed no matter waht we did that night...it was not happening. OH GIVE ME STRENGTH...does this mean we still have a chance. Boy oh boy!! xoxo

Dory, A very big week for you dear friend. This year too, i guess there is a bigger idea of what Amelia might have been like now that you hold HB in your arms. Your own flesh and blood as you say. Thinking of you as you guide your way through this week. Sending you a huge hug and wishing you had them all with you on earth. xoxo

AFM- Well AF is coming in the next couple of days. I had a little spoting this morning CD26. This Friday is the day we had our scan...would you believe it 2 years ago. It was 2 years ago that we found out we were having a little girl and that in the same breath...she wouldn't make it as she was so sick. God i remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the worst day of our lives. Hmmmm, what a week for us all hey.

Thinking of you all this week. Hoping that our thoughts combined get us through a little easier.
OMG is was hot today. Thank you universe for that storm.

Gi - no words, just hugs, hugs for what might have been.... and what will be. You are a beacon of light in the darkness, and the rock warmed by the sun that soothes my soul. I believe in you.

Dory- Hugs to you too today hun. Thinking of you all the way through. Happy Birthday to Amelia, and thinking of your other little angels who i know will be over your shoulder. xoxoxo

HI all,
Sorry I have been MIA for a while.
I have popped back in to tell you all that I am 12 weeks pregnant and all the 12 week scans were perfect.
Hubby and I watched little squirt swimming about and wriggling a lot and making life difficult to get all the measurements.
We are afraid and excited.
I have been coming in a reading but I just couldn't post until we had decided to start telling our friends and family.
One of my very good friends was so pleased I left it 12 weeks to tell her......she reckons she won't have to wait as long now (hehehehe)
Thanks so much to all of you for your wonderful support and I hope also understanding in my staying away for so long.
I will now try and catch up.........would be lovely if someone could just write me a nice simple list of where everyone is up to! ........specially now I have "baby brain".
Thanks
Kate

Kate, that is simply wonderful news hun. Congratulations and i wish you such a special healthy pregnancy and birth.

Quicky at a glance as I am not all that good at remembering details either. This is the only thread i hang out in other than my blog and others blogs so I might be off on the details.

LOlly- moved inbetween floods and not heard from in a while. She was going through conflicting thoughts as to whether or not they try again and face such devastation. Not sure how they are doing.

Cmegles- Had a healthy baby boy in Jan,

Miss B- still hovers and delivers baby dust when needed most.

Powelly- about 17weeks i think and doing well.

Sarah Rach- about 7weeks i think ...due Oct.

Chez- about 18/19weeks. I think nearly 19 weeks now and doing well. Approaching Ryan's 2nd birthday in March...a few weeks.

Freya- Newby and been through a very similar hell to us all. She has lost 5 bubs through miscarriage and faces inlaws who are not so understanding for their desire to grow their family. She is questioning testing etc atm...i think.

TJ- has just been through her baby Haakon's 1st birthday about 2weeks ago in Feb.

Lady Tess- Has just been through her baby Matthew's 1st birthday a week ago. Which reminds me Tess....I have not wished him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY...i have been too caught up in my own world hun. I am so sorry to have missed this time for you. I hope you had a special day for him.

Tashybabe- has had to face more grief other than her own. The geneticist did not have great news for them. Future pregnancies could go either way and the have to cross their fingers. Tash is questioning CVS testing and whether they would consider it when teh time comes.

Dory- Has just been through Amelia's 2nd birthday. Her beautiful HB is 5mths old.

AFM- Plodding along. CD2 now...AF arrived. Doing ok. Struggling most days but doing well.

SO......I hope i have not missed too many people and I hope with all my heart that i have not got it too wrong. Apologies and please correct me if i have. It was not intentional. oxoxo

Hope this helps Kate. I know what it is like to 'catch up' pretty daunting.
Good luck sweety and hope you keep us in touch. xoxoxo

Tess, I am sorry I missed your baby boys big day. Happy Birthday to Matthew and I hope you got to do something special to remember and 'be' with him. xoxoxox Thinking of you.

Kate - that is such great news! Congratulations.... it is a very long and hard journey to the end, but you'll get there. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and hoping you drop in to keep us all updated.

Gi - oh sweetie, you did such a good little round up..... hope you're feeling better soon and that this is your time.... I believe.

Tess - I too missed Mathew's birthday - happy 1st birthday to your little precious man.... beautiful and handsome boy.

Big boo boo....Dory's little HB is only a darling 5mths. Not sure how i got that wrong but I did. Sorry Dory.

You do have a fair bit on your mind right now sweetie.... or maybe your maths is as good as mine... hugs.