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Hi all,
Powelly - so glad its still going well. Get that scan if it is going to give you peace of mind. I remember being sooo paranoid about getting a scan done to see that little heartbeat and will probably be even more so next time. Hugs to you!!
Kate- hugs to you!!! I feel your pain!!I have sooo many friends due with in the next few months and we were looking forward to sharing this time together so when I hear that they have had their little ones I feel joy for them but my heart breaks a little each time. Its so hard when this time of year is all about family.
Gigi-I wish that therewas a cloak of invisibility for such occassions. So you could hide in your own little world and not worry about anyone seeing.
I have a friend at the moment completely depressed that she is having a little boy as she wanted a girl that she could dress up and do girly things with. Makes me mad and kinda depressed for them to not appreciate how lucky they are.
AFM - Doing the BD and trying to time it right! Fingers crossed!!
And it is so nice to hear of all the lovely ladies that are expecting. Gives me hope!!!
Sticky vibes to you all!!
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Well 2010 is not my year. AF showed up ... 4 days late and in full force. Although I didnt hold out much hope for this month, it still hurts. But what I am hanging onto this month is the fact that 2010 was for Matthew. I wasnt meant to take away from his year. Its for him. Nothing good was going to come out of 2010, and to be honest I am actually relieved to see the ass end of it.
Kateo - What can I say, The only real thing I can offer you is letting you know I was there too. Everything your saying is like you are watching me from somewhere. Christmas this year is very very hard. I have a 8 year old so i "have" to still do christmas. But thats what I am doing too... I am doing it not digging it. This time last year I was struggling with the cankles and the heat, even still with almost 2 months to go. It was a long time before I could walk through target or kmart alone. Pregnant women everywhere, and not to mention running head long into the baby section. HUGE HUGS hun... if you need to talk, send me a message. btw I still hold out hope that we lost our babys almost at the same time, we will do this together...
Chez67 - Again sending sticky dust and still silently whoo hooing for you... what a cool prezzie for you. Congrats again. I dont know the fear of miscarriage, as I have never experienced one, but I can fully imagine your feelings. It is hard and we are there for you. HUGS
Powelly - letting the anger out is hard, I have never felt this turmoil before. My head spins out of control and I just feel this incredible FURY building inside me. I am scared of what might happen if I do let it out completely, not sure I could regroup. Mrs Shrink says it is the PTSD and the fact that it was left for so long before getting help. But seriously, I dont think she is helping. What good is rehashing the problem over and over, is it just a thing where I will get "used to " talking about it? Even to the point where she pokes and prodes my emotions by talking about different things to get a reaction out of me. Well last time I went in there, she did... and what is worrying is it like she is factinated by me and using me for a Guinea Pig. I am sure that is not the case, but my chest gets so tight with anger, surely the stress is contributing to the fact we arent getting pregnant.... Anyway I have rambled on a bit here without telling you Congratulations again. Like I said to Chez, it will be a hard slog but we are here for you. HUGS
Gigi - How are you hunny??? I am thinking of you. 2011 here we come. xx
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Tess- I think our stories have a lot of parallels. Hopefully we'll both have earth angels in 2011.
I have felt like the shrink people are looking a me like I am a guinea pig too.
I have been having "crying attacks" as I go through the same things as I went through this time last year only I'm not pg now.
I feel weird not buying pressies for a nearly 1 yo.........
I'm doing another tracking cycle this month. I don't know how it will go as hubby had a fall in a bike race last night. He races pushy's.
He has lots of bark off and a very sore shoulder. He is sooking about how sore he is which is a little annoying.
On the upside I have finished baking the 8 sorts of Xmas biccies and have bought most of the pressies I have to buy.
I am dying to get to a day where I can just rest.............
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Girls, Thank you for checking up on me. I have been doing ok.
I will keep this short. I have so much to say to all of you but i just can't right now.
Tess I am so sorry AF showed. I have been thinking of you hun. I understand the comfort in giving 2010 to Matthew...makes total sense to me hun.
I am really struggling with Xmas. I thought i was done, but my mum has become incapacitated and I have to do some of her shopping for her. I am not happy about it. I love buying people things...i just feel overloaded with it right now and the shops have not been my friends of late. I am struggling.
Just wanted to drop in quickly and let you know I am functioning...and that is it really. I have getting lots of stuff done, but well, that is it atm.
I have found some joy in painting my nails black...i know a bit gothic- but it looks cool.
Love and thanks to you all.
Thinking of you all and sorry not mention all names. xoxoxo
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Hi ladies, I'm sort of thinking I might think about it this month (real committment there eh!). To be honest I'm totally freaking out about it. We've not even DTD since I lost my boys, both a bit to fragile, but we've just had a lovely two weeks away, and have now passed what would have been the boys birth, so I'm thinking it might be time to think about it again. Got a couple of weeks before I O so I might have to lead up to it with DH :-)
Thought I'd post in here for moral support - I bet its hard the first time for everyone after losing our angels.
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Hi Sarahrach
Welcome to our thread, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boys. I wish we could have met under better circumstances, but all of us here understand your loss and how hard it can to make that decision to start TTC again. I found the physical connection part was hard for me, even though I was very much connecting to my DH on an emotional level. You will know when the time is right, and the important thing is not to rush and do it when you are ready, not according to some external schedule.
I hope your stay here is a short one.
oxo
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SarahRach- Hi hun and welcome with open arms. So sorry that you have lost your gorgeous boys- your little Leo's were born on my birthday so that really makes me feel special - to share such a momentous day with them. It is a very hard journey hun and i commend you for taking time. I can second Cheryl... it took me a while to be able to physically connect despite how 'close' we were. The last 'use' of my body was for our DD and her birth was the last connection to that. I felt really strange going from 'mother' to 'lover' again. We chose her due date...3mths after to bd for the first time. And boy did i cry....It was really hard- such a huge step.
Take time and when you are ready you will know. I had to encourage myself a bit even when that time came...rather than force myself.
Go easy on yourself sweet. I am so sorry to have you in here but if you are going to be anywhere...here is the place to be. The ladies are incredible and loving. Thinking of you xoxoxo
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SarahRach- a warm welcome to you. I have only just joined this thread and my bubs due date has just gone by as well.......the ladies in here are very supportive, warm and comforting and always seem to know just the right thing to say. Hope our journeys are not long ones to having little earth side babies!! Lots of hugs to you.
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Sarahrach - A Big warm comforting hug for you. I am so sorry about your lovely boys. The one thing I have gotten out of this thread is the pure warmth and understanding. The girls might be thousands of miles away, but the single fact is a single sentance from one of them can soothe... as you KNOW they "get it"
Kateo - How are you babe??? let us know how you are.
Gigi - Thinking of you!!! Stay strong Hunny
Powelly & Chez???? UPDATES PLEASE... everything is far too quiet in here.
Lollylegs - TWW???? how are things going?
AFM - Well worked out we will be ovulating over christmas eve and day... so still could turn out to give us something to celebrate. NO sickys in the house this month so far so I am gonna give it everything I have left. I need a positive outlook for 2011. Clomid is really knocking me around this month... dont know what is different, this is my 4th cycle and not had any problems before this month.
Anyone heard about males taking clomid?
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Thank you ladies - I am going gently and will no rush. I think the first step is to put it into words. The physical will no doubt come. I've gotta stop feeling its wrong or I'm scared of the outcome.
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Lady Tess - I had a quick google on the males taking clomid thing and came back with this article......"Stimulating the pituitary gland in men who have either a low sperm count or sperm with poor motility can increase the production of good sperm. Since Clomid increases the effect of the pituitary gland on male hormones, it makes sense that treating male fertility with Clomid may work. In fact, a study by the World Health Organization in the early 1990s showed that there is an increase in the production of sperm by men taking Clomid.
But, the study stops there. Although the sperm production was increased in men who were treated with Clomid, those men were no more likely to conceive with their partners than men who were taking a placebo. So, although the evidence is there to support a relationship between male fertility and Clomid, more research needs to be done to determine if this is a worthwhile treatment." Would be very interesting if the did more studies on it.
AFM - Ovulating any day now......the POAS ovu tests are coming back negative but I have good CM and my maybe baby is at full fern so fx we are timing this right.
Hope everyone is having fun!
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Sarahrach- that is one thing i stuggle with. This new fear of falling pregnant...after everything go so wrong. Ironic really when all we want is a child. This experience can certainly take your innocence, slap you silly and leave you standing there confused.
Good luck hun and it sounds like you know exactly where you are.
Lollylegs- Good luck hun...sending you all the love and perect timing you need to make this happen;).
Ladytess- Boy what a busy xmas you have planned...I can see it now...excuse me everyone, we have to leave early to shag ourselves silly and make a miracle! Enjoy your beautiful xmas hun. xoxoxox
AFM- Just went to see Jack Johnson...oh he loves his woman so much...it is so sweet and how nice to have a song written about you let alone something magical. Great concert.
CD15...little EWM...but to be honest i am a bit stressed and not feeling it. I have no idea this month on timing... it has crept up on it. xoxox
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lollylegs - thanks hun, thats about how far I got too. Funny it was a suggestion from hubby after reading what it did to females. hahaha I might leave it up to him, if he decides he wants to take a cycle with me then so be it, I just didnt want any nasty side effects ... like growing himself a pair of mantittaes. heehee
Sarahrach - definalty put it into words, if not on here then personally. In a diary or on a word document. To read back on it, is amazing how much you reflect about your grief. I actually think this is a big part of the process. You have to look back on what you have been through and (even though it doesnt seem so) it gives you some sort of strength in the fact that you have gone step by step. through the fog. Being my circumstance, where I believe that it was malparactice that led to matthews death, I was forced by my ex-policeman hubby to get it down while it was fresh. It took me 3 days, and I started 3 days after his death. So within the first week I had it all out on paper. When I feel like I have had it, or everything is just too much. I read it to remind myself how far we have actually come. I hope I have made some sense.
Gigi - love Jack Johnston - good soul music. (as in good for the soul, not soul as in soul... you get what I mean.) I went to see both U2 and Bonjovi this month, and although U2 was claimed to be bigger? I do agree with everyone is saying BJ was awesome. Such a great concert. The vibe of the whole thing was just very very different. and LOL about the busy xmas. We havent planned anything formal with family, so maybe we will have plenty of time to give my legs some air time.
Talking about airtime - for a joke, when we were TTC with Matthew. I was left in the bed while hubby had to go into the kitchen to do something, when he came back he saw me with my legs in the air up the wall and my ass on about three pillows. I thought it would be funny for a giggle. Well we concieved that month, and do you know I didnt think of it once till just yesterday. I will be trying this again this month... as funny as it sounds.
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lady tess - I always did that sort of stuff ( waving the legs etc in the air) and it seems we were lucky and caught the egg... but if not there's got to be some smiles in this hard hard journey.
welcome SarahRach - you'll DTD and TTC when you are ready. They are very big steps, so go gently. I am so sad that you're darling boys are angels and not in your arms.... there is just too much heartache, it's so unfair.
Gi - hugs hun - wish I could help out. Hope your Mum is on the mend again real soon. You are a survivor.... but go gently on yourself.
It feels like we're guinea pigs I think because the person on the other side can not possibly know what it's like to walk the journey we've had, unless they too have experienced infertility and loss of a much wanted baby. I agree with Lady Tess about ensuring your feelings and memories are written down. It's important to get them out, and we can reflect on them later, and cry or smile wistfully or both.
Lolly - hope you catch that eggie.
Kate, Powelly - thinking of you.
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Hi everyone! It's been a looong time since I have popped my head in here. I haven't read everything, way too much to catch up on! Although, I'm not actively TTC ATM, I have made the decision that this is the last year I will spend childless. Lets hope 2011 is our year and we finally get our take home bubbas.
Chez - CONGRATULATIONS :)
Dory - How's your little Hannah? I have been thinking of you..
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BAL - So good to see your name here! I hope so too blossom that 2011 is your year... I just watched your u tube montage again, just beautiful, and sending you my love for Seth and Taite's angel versary for the 3rd. It does not seem like 2 years at all. Did you do anything special to commerorate the day? I haven't looked at your blog for a while. It's weird, now Hannah has been born, I am far more interested in getting momentos for my angel babies - I have had photos enlarged and framed and next on my list is a special candle - I guess it's important to me that Hannah not get all of the attention, as deserving of it as she is.
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Ladytess- sooooo jealous of you and going to the 2 concerts I so wanted to go to. Only major concert I have ever been to was Michael Jackson when he came to Oz and it was awesome!!!!!
In regards to writing your journey down- I had written our bubba boys journey within the week too while it was fresh in my mind.
BAL- I just had a look at your site. You have honoured your little boys so nicely. I was overwhelmed. Hope 2011 is your year.
Dory - I can completely understand you making mementos of your angel babies. They are so precious and we never want to forget them.
AFM- 2 week wait here we come!!! Sooo nervous - but we have done our best this month to time it right so we shall see! :pray:
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Hi ladies
I don't know what happened but I didn't get any e-mails... I thought everyone had gone on Christmas hols early but no, there were stacks of posts for me to catch up on.
Blessed - hi hun! So good to see you again. You are sounding very upbeat and positive, which is just fantastic. I hope you get your wish hun :pray:
Lollylegs - good luck in the TWW. Sending you loads of babydust!
Dory - that's beautiful that you are honouring your angels with those momentos. I am sure Hannah will grow up knowing that she has an amazing mum!
Ladytess - PML with you having 3 pillows under your butt and your legs getting some airtime! But yes, we did it too. I don't know if it ever worked but we figured it couldn't hurt, and it gave us time to just lie there and talk as well without being tempted to get up and move onto something else. Nice times.
Gigi - I have one JJ CD and love it - its kind of bluesy and full of soul. We saw Bon Jovi on the weekend and had a great time. We love going to live concerts, its just a shame we have to travel so far to see most of the bigger acts. Hope you're doing ok hun.
Hi to Kate and Powelly and everyone else.
AFM we had our 8 week scan yesterday. All good - baby is right on size for dates and a heart rate of 180 bpm. But, I've also got thrush - only picked up in a routine exam by my GP, as a routine blood test showed an elevated white blood cell count so she was checking all bases so to speak. She doesn't think the thrush is the cause of the WBC so more tests and more waiting. But at least bub is doing well so that's the important thing.
Take care all!
oxo
