Oh hun, I can imagine you're feeling gutted. Wish I could make you smile just a little bit (did my passing out from drinking alcohol make you chuckle even a little bit?? hope so :) ). Sending you big sqeeshy hugs and thinking of you.
PS. In the process of doing my special dance for you and feeling really silly, but hey it's all worth it! :rolleyes: xoxoxox
Of course it made me chuckle...much appreciated that you are downing a block of chocolate though!
Thankful hugs right back at you. xoxo
Gigi, since DF has been away I have been downing a block a DAY. I've never been big on it, but it just makes me feel better :rolleyes:
Big hugs Gi. I'm gutted for you and understand those feelings of ****ed off-ness and despair. I know your earth baby is there somewhere. I'm really sorry it wasn't to be this month. Be gentle to yourself and know that we are all here with you xoxox
Thanks Powelly, I am so grateful for your kind words and wishes. I hope you are right. For this moment in time...I just want to give up. I have lost all confidence in my ability to fall pregnant.
My life is different to how it was before DD. It has never been quite the same and i don't expect it too. But things are just a ittle bit harder than before and this mountain just feels too high for me.
Maybe not a good day to post...it will be negative. So I am over and out for today.
I will come back when I am nicer or when i know more.
Brownish CM still there when wiping but not yet enough to reach my knickers...Sorry for TMI. BFNs still and waiting for AF to take full swing. xoxoxo
Gigi, :noaf: Still holding on that flicker of hope for ya.
Thanks B...I am hoping the cheer squad and your efforts turn this around for me.
I have decided to go and put some makeup on so i feel a bit better.
Why is my body playing things so slowly!!!!!?????
oxxoo Hm
Good girl. Do something nice for yourself and I'm sure you'll feel a lot better. Why is body doing that? Who knows. Just like men are a mystery to us, our bodies can be too sometimes. Pft!
Gigi - I wish there was something I could do or say to make the pain and helplessness go away :hug:
Hello ladies...
Powelly: I'm happy to hear your ultrasound went well.. :crossfingers: for the rest of your pg too....
Lollilegs: Hope the move went alright, and that you are setteling in alright..
Tashybabe : I had written a long post to your question atout CVS, but it dissapeared.. :-( I'll see if I can remember what I wrote, and post it...
I had some sessions with a counseller/ psykologist some months ago, but he was more interested in my past and why this and why that... Think I saw him 3-4 times and it didn't really help... I have a 'different' way of dealing with stuff, after too much crap has happened in my past... E.g. I'm dealing with my son's death by knitting/crocheting stuff (beanies, blankets, teddies etc ) to hospitals, as Haakon was given a knitted teddy at RNSH (NSW), before he was transferred to the childrens hospital in Randwick.
Gigi1: I know how you're feeling hun, even tho DH and I didn't (really) try before I fell pg with H, I was soo dissapointed every time AF came.... :crossfingers: that next month will be YOUR month, if AF has already arrived now !!!
AFM I'm doing alright, found out a few days ago that I'll be starting Tafe the day before H's angelversary... Which will be another 1st i guess, a friend told me once that all the 1st's was the most difficult (don't know if that is true tho...) .. On both his B-day and angel-day I'll be working, and so will DH...
I didn't mean to upset anyone by saying everything happens for a reason, that is just my way of coping. To believe that there is just some things that can't be explained here and now, but maybe in the future... Who knows?!?
Hope everyone is well...
-Tj-
TJA83- Thanks hun...hope your are right there.
No you didn't offend me. I understand that we all go through different beliefs as we go through the motions. Everyone usually feels each and every thing at one point or another...my opinion that is. I have gone through stages of being certain and offended that anyone might think things happen for a reason. Then I have also gone through times when i think...if we didn't have DD we wouldn't be who we are now. Some days i find that a good thing and some days a bad thing. Every day brings a mix up of emotions. No pattern and i find that i have not moved from one to another, they just chop and change all the time.
I think you have to say exactly what you feel when you feel it. In here I am sure there is that understanding (more than anywhere else i know) where you can say exactly what you feel.
AFM- feeling a bit better atm, DH has come home from work and that lifts my spirits. When i am alone and going through this....it can feel even more lonely. I miss that feeling of being pregnant...i never felt alone. That was wonderful.
Well spotting a little brownish CM now...but still not a lot...very confusing times. One way or the other...i just need to know. I am trying to be patient. I convince myself one way and then I am still waiting. I never spotted with DD...nothing at all. No pink or red yet.
xoxo
Gi - Fingers still crossed my darling... a little bit of dark brown is good...can I make a suggestion? Go and meditate and let your love coarse through and open your heart and mind and body to this little one who wants to stay with you, guided by the light of your DD.
I can only imagine your lack of confidence in your ability to conceive.... it's not very nice to lose confidence in your body... I have lost confidence in my body but for different reasons....it's quite lonely and I am not really sure how to make peace with my mind, heart and body about it. I will, because I need to, but it's certainly tricky. And some days are going to be worse than others. I am just sorry that when you were down, I was AWOL.
It's funny how we all get through our grief. We each need to find our own way. I probably used to be a person that was a little judgemental...now honestly, I accept each of us needs to think and do different things to get through the pain.
For me, I have never said everything happens for a reason about my babies dying, yet before my babies died, I used to say it quire a lot, almost flippantly. I can't accept that my 3 babies dying and not having a chance at life happened to serve another purpose or to teach me a lesson. I can't accept that a benevolent god ( in terms of a christian type god) allows such tragedy to be visited upon people, once, let alone more than once. I don't accept the premise of original sin either, my babies were pure beings. I don't accept I am being punsihed for my sins, as somewhat arrogantly I believe I am a relatively decent person. It just happened, and it happened to me. I can't change that, but the one thing I have control over is how I choose to respond to this devastating tragedy.
I am a different person now, the bittersweet melding of the happiest moments of my life and the saddest, and then the grief journey I walk every day since, have changed me. I have known a love so pure that I consider myself truly blessed to know it. I have known a grief so deep, it's simply unimaginable. ( as we all have, those who are in this thread). But yet I have survived and in fact a lot of the time that actually surprises me. I live my life as a testament to love, and to each of my babies and the love I have for them. I will not always meet my own expectations of how a life lived with love should be, but I know my heart is pure, and that love surrounds me and will evermore. I know I am much more gentle with those around me. I can't think in terms of what if's, because I will never know the outcomes to those questions. But I do know is the path I have walked and the path I hope to walk. I do know my heart is open to love and that I hope to share it.
Anyway, reading your posts, made me feel very thoughtful and I obviously needed to sort through some things... thanks for giving me the opportunity.
Chez, Powelly - thinking of you.
Lolly, Tash, TJ , B - thinking of you too.
I am not at peace, but I have a great deal of contentment. I am not sure I can ever really be at peace anymore, because to me that implies I accept
Dory....ditto ditto and ditto again. I completely agree with all that my lovely sister! Thank you sweet, for being there. xx
To update you all
All over red rover! AF has shown up today in full swing. I woke up feeling AF was coming.
Well at least i know.
Off to rest and eat chocolate and think through how this feels.
DRAT!!!! I had such a good feeling for you. Naughty AF.
Gigi :hug: that just sucks :(
Chocolate, red wine, bath and a book.
Dory- you're a wonder.
My Af came today too... But since we haven't DTD since Sept, anything else would have been nuts..
My MIL said I 'grew' during the 6 days we were in hospital, when we went home I was completely changed and calm. We didn't want H to suffer, and therefore decided to turn off the machines (life support) he was connected to. It was a difficult decision, but it was also the right one. All his main organs was starting to fail, and we didn't want him to suffer more than he already had. He was on morphine from 1 h after he was born (c-section) until he passed away.
My dad flew in from Norway as soon as he could, he was able to be here for the christening and funeral.
DH and I are a lot stronger and closer as a couple, less willing to accept bull****, but at the same time we are also more compassionate.
Found a website that makes personalised bracelets etc for our 'Forever child'... http://www.myforeverchild.com/ Came across it the other day, and like the concept of it... To have something tangible...
Hope you're all doing well...
-Tj-
TJ - your peace and calm and certainty at having made the right decision for Haakon, is palpable from your post. It must have been agonising to make that decision but it's clear from how you write that it was the right one for Haakon and you. It's amazing how much our little ones can give us.
I kinda had to laugh about AF turning up... I was going to be disappointed, but then you said no DTD so unless immaculate conception is on the cards, you're right, anything else is just nuts.
Thanks for the link, I will check it out.
Tashy - we are all a wonder and a testament to love and its enduring strength. Jut hold a mirror up some day soon and you will see it, right there gazing back at you. :)
Tash...thank you so much hun. You are star and a wonder my sweet.
Dory- Thank you sweet.
TJA- You are incredible. You words of wisdom...incredible love.
AFM- Hanging in there. Bit of a dark day yesterday but getting there. xoxoxo Thank you for all your thoughts.