TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #4 2011

Hey ladies, I am good too, How are you...;)

For me- I am on TWW now and waiting for testing but also waiting for our puppy. We find out tomorrow if we get one straight away or if we have to wait for the next litter in a few weeks. Very exciting. We are going to be Puppy Raisers for Guide Dogs Assoc...FYI. So I am madly puppy proofing which in turn has sparked a bit of a clean up...as it is nearly spring, lets call it a spring clean. I will try and keep going with it. My list has gotten bigger and bigger and there is nothing more frustrating like deciding to transfer your address book to a new one...a lengthy process of course and then finding it was not on your list and you can't cross it off!!! LOL Nice one.

We were thinking last night with all the challenges we have had, what if we get all our dreams at once, the puppy, the baby, the appearance of millions in our bank account!! lol. What if it all came in at once.
I am out of here to continue on the house. We had fun this week, buying some things for the pup...had a bit of a chuckle at DH putting together the dog bed in place of a cot! Oh how life roles...funny and heartbreaking in the same breath. This will be a lovely practice run for our bubs to come. I am sure DD watches over us with amusement. I have often wondered how she would be with the new puppy coming.

Hi and hugs to all. xoxox HM

GL in your TWW gigi :)

Aww how cute a puppy! There was a family at work who was training a guide dog puppt her name was Eva and she was ADORABLE! I could have stolen her and taken her home!

Gigi1 - Yay for new puppy.. GL in your 2ww. It would be so nice to get all your dreams at once!

Ahurani - Nice to see you back..

:hello: to everyone else, I am still a silent stalker :D sending loads and loads of :pink-babydust::bluedust: your way!!!

Hi Lovely Ladies,

Just a quick note to ask if you would like to look me up on facebook? Our local baby loss group are selling wrist bands to raise money to make memorial boxes to donate to our local hospital as there is nothing available at the moment. My name is Tracey Bone and the wrist bands are my profile pic. You don't need to add me as a friend if you dont want to you can just send me a private message if you would like one or lots :).

I will get back here later and do a read through of all that I have missed as I have just been in denial the last two weeks pretending that I havnt lost another bub.
Much love to you all

Trace xo

hi all. Sorry I've been lax about posting in here.

EJ - I am so sorry you lost another little bub. I hope you are being gentle with yourself :hug: My Dh has never used a forum and diesn't want to go to support meetings. He finds it too depressing. We do go to counselling together though. I have discovered that some people just have bad luck sometimes. It's not something we do or dont do.

Gigi - how are you doing? Any update on the puppy? I think that's so exciting. We'd love to have a dog, but can't whilst in a rental. I don't know that I could give a dog back though. It's a wonderful thing to do. How are you going in the TWW?

kateo - you must be getting close now. I hope everything is well with you. I am looking forward to reading your BA.

dory - I hope you're well and you and HB have recovered from recent illness. My heart also breaks when I hear of a baby or child dying. I have some idea of the agony the paretns are going through and wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's good HB decided to stop nursing on her own, though I imagine that is sad. I'm regularly disappointed in myself but I'm trying not to beat myself up about things. It seems that I am not Wonder Woman after all. I wish I was further alone in my emotional health, for example. I'm disappointed I'm not back working. I just can't yet.

Mto2 - hope you're well and things work for you this cycle

TJ - did you get any happy news?

BAL, Skybie, Ahurani - I hope all is well with you and your bubs.

AFM. I'm still on a roller coaster. I'm really sick of it, actually. I slept last night so feel I should have more energy. I have a To Do list a mile long, yet I keep putting off the simplist things. Sometimes I can push through and other times I just need to hide from the world. Which is a pity when it's such a lovely day. It's not like I'm an invalid.

I did a silly thing. It seemed so logical at the time. We're concerned DS2's condition may be genetic. Whilst his DNA is off to the Netherlands for testing, it will take 3 months for a result. I figured I'd research my family tree for other cases. There is one other known case of hydro in my mum's cousin who died in 1941. So I ordered 10+ death certificates of infants in my family who died under 3. That's just in one branch of the family. It's such depressing reading. I saw another case of hydro and freaked out, convinced it's all genetic, blah blah blah. It wasn't until I read the details I saw this poor little bub in the 1950s got meningitis at 8months of age, which developed into hydro and then the little fella passed away. I felt so so sad for his family. In some cases, there were 2 babies die in a family, from pneumonia, colitis, all sorts of things. I also feel like I've invaded their privacy.

It made me realise that bad things happen. Bad things have always happened. With modern medicine, babies are less likely to die, but they still do. I can't keep torturing myself. The answers arent there. Statistically, it's likely DS2's condition was just one of those things. If it turns out to be genetic, we deal with that at the time. I don't think it is though and I just don't believe it's my destiny to only have dead babies.

So I just need to mourn my sons without torturing myself futher and then stressing out the people around me. When I finally realised this, I was actually able to sleep the first full night since we found out DS2 was sick. I still struggle to believe we are living this life. I still want answers. I guess I'm realising sometimes we just dont get them and I need to live my life anyway.

However, I'm not looking forward to Fathers Day. I've bought DH a card from me again this year. He doesnt want a card or present from the boys. We'll get through. I just wish I could fast forward the time it takes to deal with grief. I want to fast forward to TTCing again, even though the idea scares the hell out of me. I want to fast forward time to birthing a live, healthy baby we can keep.

Tash, Check it out if you really do want a dog...a normal one. Rental doesn't rule you out necessarily. I am not sure about land lord but bodycorp can#t stop you. Apparently it is illegal to determine if someone can or can't own an animal. But maybe landlords can stipulate.
Our pup will be 10wks by the end of the month and we can take it home then. Very very excited but in the meantime i am doing the bathroom and a few other things to get ready and preoccupied! it will be hard to give it back but you knwo what, we have been trhough far worse having to let go of a child so we comfort ourselves that this will be no where near as bad although it may bring up some old feelings of hurt. We have to be honest with ourselves and just know it will be hard but the pup is going on to fulfill it's life as a very import friend to someone who needs it most. Also...it doesn't die, he moves to a very loving and happy home. The association take very good care of the dogs and candidates to use them are assessed very closely, that feels good to me. There will be a huge sense of pride that we got to influence the development of a very special dog. And i will see it again at some stages if i wanted to through it's formal training. Itwill be hard though.

I woul dlove to fast forward for you too hun. Would be wonderful to give you a happy ending to your own story. xoox Take care of you hun and manage that to do list one thing at a time. I am a big one for lists and they sit and stare at me sometimes. One thing at a time...and if that is all i do, at least i get it done.

All your words speak so true to me and i think you are taking a very balance and centred view on it all. So hard to do and so admirable. You are right, we don't always get answers, bad things do happen and yes i don't believe it is your destiny to only have dead babies. Hard to see this sometimes no doubt. We can find something to fear in every area of life. I often do unfortunately and it is something i battle everyday. I hope you find an answer/reason, but if you don't, good on you for being brave enough to move ahead anyway. Living life with the courage we find in this mess, is the legacy our babies leave behind...the new strength we find in ourselves -i think. xoxo Admire you.
I have had to do something similar and be brave enough to brush over and take a risk at TTC again. No reason as to why Turners' happened to DD, one in how ever many and completely unfair but we push on and trust in something, that it won't happen again. If it does, than well we will deal with it and with as much love as possible. But my god it better not....because if there are pearly gates up there, the security guard, wings or not, will get a serve from me that is for sure and if it is what i believe to be a universal energy and life is what we make it...i have a huge pay out of good fortune and miracles coming or there will be trouble. I believe the same for you and others in here too. I think we have all banked up enough credit.
Good luck to you sweet and have a special sunday.

Happy Fathers Day to all special dads out there..you know who you are. Have a special day.oxox HM
Hm

This is going to sound weird. I have had some emotional stuff going on at the moment, stuff about memoralising angel babies and family not being sensitive, and I have been on the emotional roller coaster. As tough as it is, in a very small way, it's like being reaquainted with an old friend.... the all consuming crying, the sore red eyes, the headaches, the lack of appetite, the insomnia, the dark circles and the random crying/sobbing, the apathy and lack of energy to do even the smallest tasks.

Tashy - it was so good to see your name come up, and your post felt like it came from a place of such sorrow and of someone who's grown weary. I wish I could take some of that away for you. When you posted, I could just feel your weariness in my very bones. Guess it's how I feel at the mo too. Hugs to your DH for a hard day on Sunday and I am glad you asked your DH what he wanted. It's so easy for someone else to say don't torture yourself, but until you give yourself permission to stop doing it, or even just take a break, it won't happen. I am just so glad that you got to rest. Rest is like love, the more you have the more you want. It takes a while of good rest to feel energised. But you've made a great start. Don't worry about the rest of the stuff, like going back to work or chores. Who cares? In our lives before loss those things seemed important, and really, they are not. Be gentle on yourself please my friend. I think in grief we are our own worst enemies. We give ourselves a much harder time than others would. (Well, except for insensitive people who are giving me a much harder time than I could have ever imagined possible about something that is none of their business).

Gi - you are as always, so considerate of others. Give that very very special DH of yours a hug from me. I hope that he gets a moment in his hectic days to give himself some time to be quiet with his pain and love, and to be gentle on himself.

Hugs to all families for a hard weekend, a reminder of what is lost, and dreams of what might have been. Be kind to yourselves.

Dores, sending you a huge sqishy hug my friend. What beautiful and wise words....so true babe.
It doesn't sound wierd to me hun, not in the slightest. Sometimes people can be so insensitive and it can take you by surprise...take you right back. Sending you much love and all my wishes right now. Thankfully we have time. Love to DH and yourself for the weekend ahead. xoxoxox

Gi - thankyou for such heartlifting words. ! I thought of you today but in an unexpected way. I went and loitered at my local dog park, making friends with two legs and four legs. One of the dogs I met had the best eyes and smile. I thought of you and your soon to arrive puppy. What you are doing is so awesome. You are going to get some beautiful puppy eyes looking at you like you are the bestest thing ever. And you are ( but how awesome is that?).

On another front, had a perfect opportunity to DTD today, except I felt sick and out of sorts :( Oh well.

Dores, there is always tomorrow!! Hope you feel better after a good nights rest.

How cool, making friends at the dog park!! I am going to have to grow nerves of steel i think...puppy eyes, and droopy ears....you will not break me ;)

I have just put all my props together to try and take some photos of a new born this week...thurs. Man i have collected a lot over time, lots of quirky things. It might not be her (the mums) taste but it might come in handy...so i will take it all, if it fits in the car. The bubs is 2weeks old and i hope i can get some good shots. I also do a phtoo course in the Wed so that will come in handy i am sure.

Right, back to my list! xoox

Time for a new thread everyone.