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Thats why I feel such a failure. Not only did I fail Annabelle and she died inside me but after 12 hrs labour my body would not co-operate and get past 3cms. I was on the verge of uterine rupture due to the strength of the ctx so I had to go to theatre. I had a full GA. After 12 hrs I just could not stand the thought of any more.
I'm in a hard place right now so hence my quietness.
back when I am more together
Judy
BTW Jo, I have fingers crossed for your BFP.
I am sorry I just can't help but feel this way. I am ever so grateful I didn't have to go through what you all have.
Anyway this is not about me, poor Sheree, its all good I just wanted you to all know how I feel about your losses and I do feel mine is minimal compared to yours - can't help but feel that way.
You never failed her honey. My thoughts are with you Judy. Hugs and kisses.
Judy :hugs: I too feel like a failure because Coops died inside of me. I feel like my body failed me, failed Coop and failed my DH to give him the son that he has always wanted. I am sorry that you are in a hard place now - take your time but just know that we are always here for you.
Sheree :hug:
Lynn you will have that boy that your DH has ever dreamed about, but he will never replace Coop of course. I can understand why you blame yourself, I wish I could help, it is not your fault.
Instead of seeing myself as a failure for not sustaining the life of our little guy... Let me assure you that I have cradled the thought of how I failed Eli close to my heart for a while now... but just the other night I had this thought... I hope I don't offend any of you. I think the only way I could have failed Eli would be if I didn't walk away from all of this unimaginable pain with a deeper love of life, a deeper love for each day... even the days that make you so nuts you want to lick windows and streak through town nekkid. And a better understanding of how we are all tied to eachother... the living and the absent, the emotionally bruised and the elated, we have been given a gift, as bittersweet as they come. The gift is knowing that every single moment is to be cherished and every baby... no matter how small deserves a Mommy who will love them forever.
So, as I see it, there is NO way on earth that any of you could be a failure. Hugs and Love to you all.
CeCe
CeCE, I think you are a very wise woman! lol!
Sheree, personally for me, after going through this, I have a better understanding of the pain that we women go through when we lose a baby/babies, so to me (this is just me) it dosen't matter how far along you were or anything, we all feel pain the same. Does that make any sense? Someone else might be able to put it better!
CeCE- i fully agree with what you say.
I was already a fairly spiritual person- but after loosing my babies it definatly made me start thinking more about what is beyond this world.
And one of the hardest things i have had to deal with is that some good can come out of all this pain. I remember when i got my job after loosing Darren- at first i was dead set against it. Then i started and i actually found myself really glad that i got the job when and where i did. Until one day it hit me- if i was a mummy to a little boy- i would never have statred working here. It was a really tough time adjusting to finding happiness that wouldn't have been there if i had of been able to keep him. I still struggle some days just knowing that my life would be so completely different right now if things had happened differently. And to be satisfied with my life now- doesn't mean that i am happy he is gone- i am just moving forward. But it is one very hard adjustment to make.
The other thing i have noticed is that all of this has brought my husband and i closer. we still struggle with communicating quite a bit- but we take the time to stop and acknowledge that we are struggling and we move through it together- which has been comforting. And i am not sure if we would be able to be so honest with each other if we hadnt had to go through so much pain together.
And of course how could i not mention all the beautiful people i have met in here. :)
And we all know that wouldn't happen unless we all had been through what we have. I now have more close female friends to openly talk to then i have ever had in my entire life. I have no fear coming in here- i dont worry about how i sound or what i am thinking because even though we may all be from different backrounds (even live in diferent countries) we all have a special bond we share and it is so marvelous that we can find eachother and be there for each other.
Sheree joy- i understand that you are saying that what you have been through is not as bad as what we have- but i have no doubt that you have sobbed the same heavy hearted tears i and everyone else has. You have felt that hole in your heart that just wont go away until you crumple yourself into a tiny ball and bawl your heart out. As i have said befoer, a loss is a loss at any stage. You may not have had to give brth to your angels- but you still had them ripped away from you. If you do want to find somewhere else to go where you feel more comfortable- i understand- but please dont do it because you think you dont deserve to be in here- you found your way in here and it was for a reason. Please dont under ever estimate your losses. i am talking abit from personal experience, i felt the same when i had my miscarrage- i thought, HA its nothing like what i went through before- it's nothing. Well it wasn't nothing.
Sorry i dont mean to sound like i am lecturing you- i just dont want you to feel outed
coz i really appriciate your contributions.
Enough lecturing from me!!
I am feeling better today. Dr confirmed for me that last month was an early m/c. He said that my levels wouldn't have been up unless something had been going on. He did an exam and said my uteris has contracted so he doesn't think anything is still in there but- i may have picked up an infection (i can get one just from thinking about it!!LOL) so i am on antibiotics. He also aggrees with me and Dr mel that it was most likely becuase i was taking the aspirin. So i am off it until further notice. He said i did the right thing by waiting a cycle before really trying again. (thats why i wasn't putting in top effort) But that all should be well for this month. I have booked another appt in a months time to see him again.
I feel pretty silly for taking the aspirin- but i think as long as things work out this month i will feel a little better. I only hope that everything goes ok now i am not taking the aspirin. I feel pretty responsible- not in a bad way, just knowing i probably would be preg now if i hadn't been taking it. But i have a plan and this is my month!!
All going to plan i will start opk tests in a few days.
Take care all you darlings!!
Love StarBright
p.s. mel if you are lurking- i have no credit on my phone!! Everything sounds great!! I will call you this afetrnoon!!!
How was that jo? LOL i was posting while you were!!!
Any sign of AF????
morning ladies, jeepers its been a chatty thread, i wanted to pop in to see how jo went, any news jo?
cece - thanks for putting forward your way of looking at it, its good to hear different perspectives, and allows some of us a new way of thinking of what happened. when i got home i had people ask me wasn't that the hardest thing you had to do ie birthing her, my response was easy, as hard as it was emotionally i overcame those thoughts, knowing this was the first and last thing i could ever do for my girl, that thought actually made it easier if that makes any sense at all, and i too am like lynn - i remember every second, you just ask the midwife, i think she was hoping that i would stop talking. lol
sheree - i am with sb on this one, we are all here for the same reason, losing a child, it doesn't matter how far along we are we all have the same emotions. and for you to have been through what you have on more than one occassion and still want to go on, is inspiring to me. i really do hope you stay with us, we need your support just as much as I hope we can give it to you. :)
sb - i guess its good fior you to get some answers, hugs hon
this is just a quick one as i have to take my mum to the airport, hugs to everyone
no sign of AF yet!
What day is/was AF due Jo???
How many days will you wait for before testing??
Sending sticky vibes and waiting with antisipation!!!
Grafton is about 2 or so hours away from where i live. How long will you be staying near there? if im not doing anything and you want to maybe we could meet up. See how you go though- enjoy the time with your family too. :)
Judy- its so easy to blame ourselves. I think the important thing to remmeber is that you never wanted anything bad to happen to your babies- you NEVER did anything to harm them intentionally or even unintentionally and as hard as it is, try to go easy on yourself, Blaming your self wont make the pain go away, it sort of makes it worse, because while you continue to blame yourself you cant move on.
Its terrible that this has happened to all of us- but it sort of shows that it does "just happen" I dont beleive that anyone of us deserves the pain we feel or the heartache- but its how we move on and support eachother that helps.
The hardest part about moving on and starting to feel better is that i start to think it means i have stopped caring. And i know i haven't, i just need to move on. and its a good thing that the pain isn't as bad, and it never really goes away- it just doesn't hurt quite as much.
Last night DH and i had a little bit of a talk about stuff. I got a bit upset because i feel like while he does so much in memory of Zahra-but he doesnt do the same for Darren. And to be honest, i feel like i am a bit the same. i will light a candle for him and have done for his "would have been" day of birth (EDD 10th October) and 1st and 2nd birthday and i will do the same for his 3rd- but my main point was that i felt like since we lost Zahra and we pay her so much respect, i feel bad that we never really showed Darren the same. DH said he felt a bit the same but wasn't sure how to approach me about it because he didn't want to make me upset. He said everytime he lights Zahra's candles he is thinking of all of our children- but that maybe we should set something up for Darren too. I know i have never forgotton about my little monkey (chinese star sign) and i will go shopping and look for something special to give him for his 3rd birthday to help mummy and daddy rememeber him.
Uh oh- water works are starting, Not good while at work- so i will leave it here.
Deep breath katti.
Thanks for listening
Love Katxoxox
Hi ladies - just thought I'd pop in and see how your all doing (and that I'm bored and have nothing to do :P)
Hey Liz Jessie- iam at work and bored too!!!!
Did you check out my story in the loss thread? Too crazy?
OK so now Im worried... my OB said to take a baby asprin everyday ttc... plus the lovenox. I know the lovenox is needed b/c of everything that happened when we lost Eli. But I am SO gonna call my doc tomorrow and ask her exactly why baby asprin is suggested for me if it can cause early m/c.
( i think after everything that happened this summer, I am in this floating down the river and blindly trusting my new doc because she saved my life kind of mindset... lazy on my part)
Starbright - I am so sorry for your loss. I know its discouraging and a kind of weird feeling knowing you lost a little one so very early on. I am sending hugs from thousands of miles away.
Y'all are working huh? Its 1 AM here and I just can't sleep. My chart is freaking me out... its almost identical to the one we conceived Eli on... and I am so temped to change some temps around ... that makes me crazy doesn't it?
Have a great day gals!
CeCe
Starbright - Just answering it now actually ;)
CecE- It may depend on what is going on for you... i know that Rowie(i think) had the opposite to me- she wasnt on aspirin- got close like me, then when she started taking the aspirin she fell right away. Go figure!!
She felt the same as i do now- dont want to mess up what you have been told by your dr. it may be that even while taking your baby aspirin that you still clot enough, and that is why you need the other stuff too. I dontknow- i just know that what works for one doesn't always work for another!!
I was told NOT to take the aspirin until i was pregnant by the specialist- then a general dr. scared me by saying i could get a clot anywhere and basically die- so i should take it all the time. But obviously for me- not while trying to get pregnant. Plus after my last BT my levels for AcA had gone down- so i may not need to take it all (i will anyway once i am pregnant)
Still speak to your dr and tell her what happened to me and see what she says
Off for the day now ladies!!
Thank you all for being here for my first official full week back at work. I would have been sad and lost without you all there!!
Back to my normal few days a week next week- so i will be back to my quiet self!!!!HAHAHAHALOL
Love to you all!!
Katti
xoxox
Just thought I'd pop in on my way out & say no sign of AF yet!
I'll be back later to do some personals!