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Anthonysmom: good luck with the tests. hopefully the results show things that are easily treatable.
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What a quiet thread. Where is everyone. Hope all is well. Got my test results back. all is well.
Barbara
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barbara- so glad your tests results came back well. that's worth a little woo hoo!
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Hi Barbara. So glad to hear your test results have come back and are okay.
Hope everyone is well. I got annoyed with DH last night. I sometimes feel like everytime I mention babies etc, he is keeping a tally and then makes it seem like I am baby-obsessed. It makes me feel like all the positive things I am doing are not being credited. So I got annoyed with him and vice versa. Aaghh. It is so hard at times, I don't think he can understand fully how there are constant reminders around us every day that we are not pregnant. It all started because he told me another woman had told him she was pregnant. I in innocence said to him that I feel like every second person I speak to is telling me they are pregnant and that sometimes it upsets me because it reminds me that I am not. I also said that I don't resent them and am happy for them. He had a go at me about it and basically said I am baby obsessed - which of course made me angry. We seem okay this morning, but as we said goodbye I told him we need to start having some honest conversations (that don't end in arguments) as I don't want to feel like I have to hide my thoughts etc.
Anyway long rant....we were happy with each other again this morning... but I think it is just another reminder of how men grieve differently to women.
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I feel like i am intruding a bit here ladies... i have been reading since i left, but i havent posted, i'm sorry to "ditch" this thread as i fell preg, but i didnt want to be as Katie Girl describes as another preg women IYKWIM... but its actually reading your post Katie that i feel like adding something...
DH and i have had the same discussion many times over the years, and as you say men and women are soooooo different it gets very hard during these times to find common ground...
DH said the EXACT same thing to me, basically that i have no right to be upset by the fact that other women are pregnant. Even now i still get a twinge, coz i still doubt that this bubs coming home,(i know, naughty negative thinking, but some days i cant help it) where as anyone else being preg its a given that they get their babies IYKWIM... i ended up yelling at him that i think its great and its nice that these ladies are pregnant, but i dont need to hear about it and i dont need to jump for joy for them because while its all nice and happy for them, it breaks my heart and it is a dagger of a reminder to me what "WE" have lost.
He has since stopped trying to tell me how to feel as much, but to be honest i still dont think he understands 100%, for some bizarre reason men can seperate themselves from the pain, and for some reason we cant. While i tell people that my DH has grieved and has felt our loss, i would be lying if i said he felt it as much as i did. For us women, like everything, pregnancy is sooooooo internal, we cant ignore the changes in our bodies, the changes we relished in while pregnant, which turn to the changes we despise as the "full" feeling disapears and the emptiness takes over our body.
Even now in my early stages of pregnancy, my DH can be in ignorant bliss, yes he knows i am pregnant, but its not overly obvious and he isnt feeling what i am feeling, so in a sense he is seperate from that side of things, if i were loose now, my god touch wood, but i would "feel" my baby gone, where as he hasnt got those "feelings" to miss if that makes sense.
Woah, sorry ladies, i disapear for months and then return with a marathon post!! I do apologise again for intruding, and i will keep following you brave ladies and your journeys, and if its ok, i may start posting again, with some more supportive posts!!
Do take care everyone, and good luck and loads of sticky baby dust to you all
xoxoxoxox
StarBright
xoxoxoxoxo
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Hi Starbright - thank you so much for your post and you are not intruding in any way. In fact seeing your pregnancy progress is so special and gives me hope.
I am glad to see that you understood what I was saying. I also don't feel anger or resentment towards anyone having a baby - I have even held babies since we lost Nathaniel - but it also has a twinge of sadness as it reminds me of all we have lost. I just don't get why he can't see that. He even said that he doesn't want to tell me about pregnancies etc because I will get upset or angry - and that is so untrue. We all work so hard at not being swallowed by the blackness of negativity that when someone says a comment like that (or that we are too baby focussed etc), it feels like a slap in the face.
I told him this morning that we need to be a team again and he agreed. I just hope that DH and I can have open conversations without me feeling I have to censor what I say. I go through each day keeping most of my thoughts from people because I don't want to confide in them, so it makes it even harder when I feel that I can't be completely open with DH.
Whoo there it is....glad I am not alone in this feeling. I love my DH and he has been amazing but at times his 'maleness' is very evident.
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hey everyone!
I have missed already being on this thread as we are now in our friends place and i feel uncomfortable asking to use their computer so have jumped on the one at my parents now i am over here! Our house is officially settled as of 12.30pm today and yesterday spent an hour in the empty house having a bit of a sook thinking of all our memories there. But now i can't wait until the 25th of march when we get our new one!
i have had really mixed feelings over ttc over the last few days and it has got me down a little, worse because i don't have a space (except the bathroom or toilet) that i can just go and "be" while i am at our friends... i don't think that is helping...but my AF is over, turns out is the longest i have had, so Tempus, I am DEF taking that cleaning out option! While i was intially happy to have it for obvious reasons, by the end i was so over it again. It was a really heavy one, much more than i am used to and since a normal AF is 4 days long and this was almost 10 i got really tired. especailly as my other bleeding and spotting continued for so long, what our poor bodies have to go through..
I also had my ivf friends baby shower on the weekend just gone and i thought i would be fine going as she has been through so many years of IVF and has finally got pregnant so my feelings towards her have been true excitment as this is what she has always wanted. (and she has had alot of girly issues with fibroids / bulimia / destroyed tube etc) but i sat there watching her unwrap her presents and i got really sad but felt really selfish for feeling that way when she had had so much bad luck in the past. i had to pretend my emotions were for her rather than feeling sad for me so i would'nt upset her and then later she said she wished another one of her friends had been there for me as she had been through a later loss also. Everyone was touching her belly and all i could think about was where i would be with mine! So i think that helped spirall some locked up feelings that now i have had to deal with. And i still feel really selfish as i love her to death....
anthonysmum - i am so happy to hear your test results were ok!:hug: Must be at least a relief on one side of things...small steps!!! The worst part i think sometimes is the waiting for the results, a week can feel like a year when it is something as important as that...hope the renos are still treating you well, and :lol: at your DH, sounds like mine...he is still a little kid when it comes to birthdays and we have to make it a big thing for him. DH has his a week after Jacks due date so will be a little harder this year as i am already dreading the date. (due date that is)
katie - DH and i have had to deal with alot all at the same time (putting house up for sale, selling house, loosing Jack, DH getting a promotion, josh starting school, finding another house, staying with friends, me cutting to part-time hours) and so sometimes i really feel as though we are on tenderhooks and that i can't be as honest with him as a couple of my friends who i have been able to open up to. I don't think he gets either that i am not done grieving yet and that is not to mention the people who still run a mile should i bring up the pregnancy or Jack. JUST BLOODY LET ME TALK! :wall: They may feel uncomfortable but i feel as though i am in a box sometimes...just listen sometimes, its all i want!
starbright - post away!!!! we all need as much support as we can get from each other! I guess continuing to talk to our DH and kinda opening their eyes up that tiny bit in how we feel may help us all in the long run..When is your next OB appoint?
anyway - i really hope you are all going well, sorry for my rant - my lack of daily jumping on to this site is obviously taking its toll! hope next time i am on that i have some wonderful things to say that are a little more upbeat! Cause lets face it, my post has got ME down...
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sorry no personal tonight as it is almost midnight here and I am feeling down (and tired). Well DH DTD a little while ago (soory for TMI) since I will be O'ing in a few days and it is so weird. i should be almost 32 weeks preg by now, but instead of waddling around and setting up a nursery, I am starting over. i read somewhere that after you are medically cleared to TTC after a loss, you should wait until you are emotionally ready to handle another loss, in case it happens again. are you kidding me. can you ever be ready to sustain another loss? i hope i (or any of us) never have to answer that question. good night.
Barbara
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Thanks katie and jo!!
yes, over time dh has learned sometimes i just want him to listen and cuddle, but i still have to ask or remind him thats what i need!!
I have a scan on monday to check for downs syndrome etc- i think at this point we would continue with a pregnancy no matter what the risks, so for me its really just a chance to check on bubs and get a looksie!! I will be 13 weeks on monday- so i guess i am only now really accepting i am pregnant (i have had a few vERy early m/c) and while i thought it would make me feel better- its really just allowed the true panic to set in!! I am now definalty embarking on this tough journey- it all feels so serreal (sp).
Jo76>>>> I am sorry to hear that AF has been so cruel and heavy. Glad to hear she is gone!! I rememebr mine being extreamly painfull after both my losses, and longer too, i remember getting so angry because it was a constant reminder of what had happened to me. I just kept bleeding!!!!And i guess it reminded me of the days when the bleeding started IYKWIM
Barb>>> Its good to hear that your tests came back clear. At the same time though, i'm sure you wish you had some more answers.:hug:At least you can elimate the things you were tested for, and just hope and prey that things are different next time.
Oh i had to laugh about your DH still needing a whole weekend for his 33rd Birthday- my DH turned 34 a few months ago and has decided he now get's a a whole WEEK to celebrate!!! LOL I hope you had a good time!!
KatieGirl>>> I hope things are getting a little easier at home :hug: A man's "maleness" is always close by!! LOL We are usually just able to easily compensate for it haha!! Its just a little hard to do it with something like this. Hugs to you for getting out and about too!! Thats a huge step!
How r u going with your cycle? When is testing day?
tm>>> Hi there, how r u going??
It time to walk my doggies, hello to everyone, and :bluedust: to all!!
xoxo StarBright xoxoxo
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Won't go into the details here because I talked about it in TTC after MC, but FIL is in the hospital dying of cancer and we're just trying to keep it together emotionally. DH is being a stabilizing influence for MIL and I'm being the stabilizing influence for DH.
Barbara: glad to hear your results were normal
Katiegirl: times like these are really when the rubber meets the road in a marriage, isn't it? Its so hard to be patient with him, and him with you, and yet it's so important. Sending encouragement vibes
Starbright: don't be silly, girl--we're always happy to hear from you. Sending happy postive vibes for a happy positive preg...
jo76: congrats on settlement--sending encouragement vibes to you re: other people's babies
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howdy everyone.
Katiegirl- it all sounds so familiar . . . i couldn't be around babies and didn't want to hear about them for the longest time. like, until this very moment. meaning, i haven't "gotten over" it yet. hopefully i will be able to in the future, but i doubt i ever look at a pregnant woman the same as "normal" people again. my dh and i went to counseling with a woman who had her daughter die 14 days after birth, and she assured both of us that this was so normal. and that there was nothing to do but to allow the feelings to happen. i don't think my dh understood really, he doesn't link any of these other babies or pregnancies to our son. but i think hearing it from someone else that this is just the way it is for a grieving mother made it something he could at least expect. hopefully, your dh can come to that same conclusion, because you need to be able to feel and communicate the feelings you have without judgment. do you have someone other than your dh to bounce things off of too? i haven't tried, but i think mine would break under the pressure of all of my feelings. i tell a little here, a little there, you know. big hugs.
Jo- i too have tried to "step up" and be joyful for a friend's pregnancy. i was happy for them, but at the same time so hurt at the world and angry. it was difficult not to turn that hurt and anger on my friend. now her baby has been born, and i was so happy and relieved that it was healthy. but i cannot hang out with her and watch the breastfeeding and the snuggling and the questions about the birth . . . it is too much to ask of a grieving mother that she set aside her grief for someone else's joy. it is enough to ask us to wish them well from afar. that's my opinion.
Barbara- i've heard that saying too. and some do wait for the immediacy of the grief to wear off a bit, even a year or more. it is such a personal choice, there can be no formula and so i think that saying is bunk. what is right for one is not necessarily right for another. and you are spot on - there is no "ready" for another loss. there is only the knowledge and fear that it may happen again -- and that never dissipates.
TM- i am so sorry to hear about your fil. i hope his journey is not too painful a one. big hugs to you.
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tm - i am sending you many many hugs and you are in my thoughts! I hope someone is there to support you also, you sound like you are carrying alot emotionally!:hugs:
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tm..... Hugs to you :hug: and your family xoxoxox
:bluedust: To everyone!!
xoxo
StarBright
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Thanks. Right now he's status quo. We're coping.
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my prayers are with you TM
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Hi girls!! Just wanted to let you all know my scan went well, everything where it should be, and all looking perfect!!!
There is hope for us all!!!!! After a baby with things wrong for no apparent reason, i have managed to make everything right and where it should be this time!!! Just have to get through to the end now!!!
Good luck everyone, i hope we have some more graduates soon!!!!
Sticky vibes and baby dust to you all!!!
Love katti!!!!
xoxoxoxoxox
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hi ladies, just wanted to pop in and say hi, i often lurk to see how you are all going, but only really input when i think i can add something or help, at the moment i am lacking in those areas and I apologise.
i just wanted to say to katie good luck at your s&k meeting tonight, i hope you get everything out of it you possibly can, just prepare yourself that its quite emotionally draining, but well worth that feeling when you can talk to others that have been trhough what you have. i wish i could be there for you tonight, as much as i need to go right now, this week being the week a year ago we lost our angel, I can't be there. just know that they are a wonderful and amazing group of women and you'll be in safe hands. will be at the next subsequent pg meeting in march, which is not only for pg women but for women thinking of ttc'ing after a loss. look after yourself and hope you can have as good a birthday tomorrow as you can.
tm - our thoughts are with you and your fil
barb - good luck with catching that eggy
jo - how you going hon? i think of you often
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FIL lost his battle with cancer just before 4 this morning. MIL called us and DH went to go help her. Meanwhile, I sent the kids to school, planning to tell them when they got home, but as luck would have it, they got sent home early due to snow. Now we're just waiting to find out when the funeral will be.
Keeping fingers crossed for all you ladies.
