just wanted to pop in and say hi ladies. having a massage, facial and pedicure tomorrow, so looking forward to relaxing and being pampered, am going away for the weekend too, so just wanted to say that I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I will be thinking of you all.
Hi everyone!!
I popped in quickly yesterday to show my mum a bit of what BB is all about. She was very respectful and didn't read too much, but she was really happy that i had found all of you and that we were all so supportive of eachother!! i did show her the little bit that Klee wrote about me, and my mum thought it was just the ducks nuts. She was so happy for me and for anyone else who was gaining something from BB!!!
I sometimes think it has been harder on her watching me go through all of this, i forget sometimes she is my "MUM" just like i am trying to be a mum and she knows how it feels to watch her child in pain. She has experienced one mis carrage, just before she had me. Like you girls say, sometimes my own pain is like an out of body experience. I think because i have had to tell so many people what has happened, it just rolls off my tongue now, i dont even have to think. Which is really quite sad. :(
WARNING BIG WINGE COMING UP>>>>>
Even today at work in the pub, i got asked how my baby was going....... another lovely non regular customer who noticed i haven't been here but hadn't bothered to ask anyone else how i was.... then they see me and remember that i was pregnant and ask about the baby. I am trying to work and collect plates and glasses and i get to stand there and explain ' "No sorry, she didn't make it, just over there next to the stage is the tree we planted for her"and I just have to smile and keep going. I feel bad for the people who ask too though, they obviously have no idea or they wouldn't ask (i dont beleive anyone has done so deliberately) and if Zahra had lived and they didn't ask about her i probly would be mad too!!! Its just so hard!! Its been nearly 9 months and i am still running into people who dont know. And unfortunately its not as if they are just randomly asking me about kids, it's all ppl who saw me 8 months pregnant who want to ask me about my baby. I didn't really want to be gossiped about, but COME ON!!! the town i live in is tiny!!! I shouldn't have to be doing this still!!! Its like no one in the town actually talks about what happened. Which is fair enough, but it leaves it all on me.
I went into hiding for about a month and didn't see anyone, and then i did get out and had about 2 months of telling someone new each day and then it sort of died off abit and it was like every other day i would see someone. I made myself sit at the pub so i could tell people and then get to go home and cry. I knew i had to that, because its the only place i would see these people and it was better to have it happen on my terms then while i was working. I thought i had told most people. And then i came back to work and realised there were STILL people who didn;t know and id have to put up with it everytime i would have to go into the bar - Not even for a shift, just passing through on the way to the post office or to get my lunch. And then i started getting people who knew who wanted to console me and give me their best wishes, which is lovely, BUT I AM AT WORK!! I have had that many people "Consoling" me by crying on MY shoulder!!!
Even after 5 months of being back my boss reluctantly asked if i could do a bar shift and that day i had to tell like three people, she saw and came up and said," Dont worry, i'll find someone else, i had no idea that was still happenening to you!" - so now im still not supposed to do bar shifts. Today i was just helping out because it was busy and BAM i get whacked with it straight up. I have only now gotten back upstairs to the office and i am nearly in tears typing this. No wonder shane hates it when i go to work! If i didn't have you guys to tell i would probly end up just holding it in, coz if i tell shane its still happening, he wont let me come back! And i would be all upset and just take it out on him. Most days its fine. Well actually most days im on the net!! Its only when i go down stairs. Its just when im least expecting it or im having a good day that some one will ask and it gets to me. And then of course it doesn't leave my mind till i have a good cry. And then i have the customers who miss me and say how happy they are to see me back and out and about (like i am all better now) and they wish i'd come back to the bar and pour them a decent beer!! I tell them i will be back after i pop out a baby, and until then they have to put up with **** beer!! I have far more important things going on in my life!!
Speaking of which, i am convincing myself i am feeling pregnant. Can you have such early feelings? Considering if i am, i am only at most 2 weeks - but softdrink is tasting funny and my moles are really itchy. (one of my big signs, it has happened every time i have been pregnant). Like i said, i think i am convincing myself though. We will have to wait and see!!
My sweet mum bought me the Elevit vitamins yesterday - I was taking other ones before that, but when it was time for more mummy decided we should get the best. Bloody expensive, but they are supposed to be worth it. Thanx mum
So i am abit like Mel, jiggling when i walk, vitamins, folic acid and aspirin, im on it all. Shane teases me and calls me a pill popper!! I said he's welcome to have some too.... maybe i should get some of those herbs and he can strengthen his uteris too!!!:lol:
Aunty M i am glad that you had a look. I think your image of Yeti is a beautiful one! He is wherever you imagine him to be!! We have a few photos, in some she looks like me and in others she looks like shane, she had my body shape, but most of shane's features. In one she looks like she is just sleeping but in the others its quite obvious she is not. I tend not to look at those ones as much.
For Darren, i try to forget he had a body at all. Because of my personal issues with guilt at not being able to make his body properly for him, i just imagine he was never stuck in it at all. To me he was just my special spirit who hung close to me for 18 weeks and never had to suffer - his body was irrelevant. Actually, back to what we were saying before about how our angels felt, Yeti sounds like how i felt Darren, so we can picture their little male spirits flying around together!!:) They have all they need.
LYNN Thank you for your kind words!! I am really hoping i graduate soon too!!
I think signs are important too. i took the aussies winning the cricket as one!! What day do you have your scans? Was it tuesdays? or is that someone else? Good luck anyway with your next one. Will you be going by yourself again? or was that just a one off coz you had to? Mums are great for support!
KLEE Your photos sound really nice. I have Zahra's ultra sound photos too - coz your right for that time, they were alive inside us. I try to focus on that abit too. And anything i did or went to while i was pregnant was her little life!!
EVERYONE Mel says hi!! she is settling in nicely. She did hurt her foot though, but shes ok. She is wishing everyone all the best!
I feel better after letting all that out. i did shed a tear, but it has helped.
Goodnight !
Tonight i wish everyone a peaceful dream!
Katti xoxo
howdy everyone!
Klee- the pamper day sounds sooooo nice. hope you enjoy it and your weekend.
Katti-what a whopper of a day. sounds like some of your friends need to go around town with specific instructions to tell everyone they meet what happened to Zahra and you. maybe your boss, or whomever is minding the bar, can let customers know at the bar. it wouldn't be fun for them, but better them than you. what a good way for friends to help you out. i still run into folks in my town that don't know too -- and it's only got 700 people. i guess some live more under a rock than even i do. you're right, some days it just sneaks up and hurts more than others.
i hope you are pregnant! those signs can be so right. i don't feel any at all, so i try not to think of them. i will, however, think of Darren and Yeti having little boy spirit fun together. :)
Thanks Aunty M, your right, something like that should have happened a long time ago, and it sort of did, there are still just those few people who dont come in to the pub that often. And its not til they see me that they think about asking. And i guess over the last few weeks i am feeling abit more positve since starting to try again that i am out there abit more with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step that some people just dont think anything was ever wrong.
Its funny, i spend all day in here openly talking about Darren and Zahra and evreything, but it doesn't hurt when i talk to all of you, i NEVER go home really sad because i have been in here. yet when i am face to face with someone talking about it, I do. I didn't really think about it til yesterday when i felt better after sharing what happenend. I didn't tell Shane, but i didn't feel i had to because i wasn't on the verge of tears all night or upset because i already got it out of my system in here.
So thankyou all for being here!!
Good news my boss has looked into getting me a lap top and we are doing it soon!!!!!!!!! She is the best boss in the whole world!!
I have started a TTC journal. Its under my name if you wanna look at it. I have got a little bit of my history in there, im not really sure what else i am supposed to write in there, i guess i will wait and see how it goes. Dont worry i will still be in here all the time too!! Do you girls have journals going???
Its very quiet in here, everyone must be very busy having a good time somewhere i hope!!;)
Goodnight everyone!!
Love Kat
howdy everyone. it is quiet in here.
Katti- it does help so much to be able to talk (write) about feelings and situations and pain and our babies here. i don't have to get that tight feeling that means i need to keep control of my emotions and get through the next few minutes of conversation without crying or saying something wrong. i'm just comfy here, and it does so make me feel better. i'm so glad it works for you too. i'll check out your ttc journal this weekend, good idea.
Hi all,
wow it's quiet in here!
How is everyone?
AF is finished for me for this month so here we go all over again!
morning ladies, its freezing here this morning, i wish i was still snuggled up in bed. i hope you all had a wonderful weekend. my massage etc was absolutely lovely, just what the body and mind needed. i didn't stay too relaxed for long, it was my nephews 1st birthday so craziness all around, and my phoebe necklace got tangled and untangling it took the better part of the evening. we went to visit mil and she basically told dp how fat he was getting, he's struggling with his confidence at the moment, so hearing that from his mother didn't really help the situation. we then got a puncture on the way home, a quarter of the way home and i was busting for the loo, nothing like a few toots of car horns to make you feel better about your backside! lol, anyway i'll do some personals later i just wanted to say goodmorning
hi jo, sorry we posted at the same time. are you and the family over your colds?
nat - i had a dream about you on saturday night
Hey Klee, it's freezing here this morning too, but it's supposed to be nice later. The family is all over their colds thankfully. Glad to hear the massage was so good, maybe I should try it!
Goodmorning Ladies!!
What a quiet weekend!! Usually when i get on here of a monday morning it takes me an hour to catch up!! I might actually get some work done today!!
Aunty M That is exactly how i feel in here!! I feel safe and if i get upset its only the computer who knows!!
Jo Good to see your still going for it!! Best of luck this month!!
Well i mentioned i had a little poem about angel babies playing in a castle. My friend was given this 20 years ago when her little boy died un explained 2 days after his birth. She passed it on to me and now i will pass it on to all of you.....
In a baby Castle
Just beyond my eyes
My baby plays with Angel toys
That money cannot buy
Who am I to wish her back
Into this world of strife
No play on my baby
Thou have eternal life
At night when all is silent
And sleep forsakes my eyes
I feel her little hands and feet
Caressing me so tenderly, and so sweet
I'll breathe in slowly and close my eyes
And embrace her in my sleep
Now i have a treasure
That i rate above all others
After all, i'm still, and always will be
A mother in her eyes
We had this read out at Zahra's funeral.
Well i might go to work and pop in a bit later.
Love to you all
Katxox
What a lovely poem Kat - just beautiful and of course it made me weep.
Klee - I hope today is a better day. People can be so rude can't they. I am sorry your MIL hurt your DP with her comments... :hug:
JO, I hope this is your month my love... Sending lots of :fertilise: vibes your way!
howdy everyone.
Kat, that's a great poem. thanks so for sharing it.
Klee, too bad the massage effect couldn't last longer. sounds like a pile of stuff to deal with at once. and like mil said exactly what was best not to say. hope dp bounces back.
jo- best of luck with this month's adventure.
Kat - that is beautiful poem - thank you for sharing with us.
Klee - too funny about your backside story! At least you got some toots! Your massage sounds wonderful, I'm glad you enjoyed it. How are you going? Some people just don't think before they speak do they!?!?!? I hope your DP is ok.
Jo - thank you so much for the bracelet and card. I echo the words back to you :hug: Good luck this month. I hope so much that this is your month. Sending you heaps and heaps of :bluedust: Happy 7 months Birthday Storm. Thinking of you Jo on Saturday :hug:
Auntie M - I feel the same way in here - safe. It is like you can say whatever you want and you know that everyone here understands. How are you going?
Hi to everyone else
Kat - that is a beautiful poem!
Lynn - Glad you got the bracelet & card alright, I wasn't sure how long it would take to get there! Wow your ticker seems to be moving so fast!
Auntie M - I feel the same way as well in here, because we all understand, I feel I can talk more openly! IYKWIM?
DH said something the other day which unsettled me a little bit, as some of you know DH has a few problems in the semen department (sorry TMI)
so anyway he got himself down the other day because of this problem and that we aren't getting pregnant & out of the blue he said perhaps losing Storm was a sign that we aren't meant to have another!
Honestly I nearly cracked him over the head, I told him that If we wern't meant to have another then we would never have gotten Storm in the first place! was I right to be upset by this?
The next day though it was like he had never even said anything, he was back to his normal ttc mode!
So anyway thats my rant for the day!
Hope everyone is well!
Hi JO, good to see you again!!
I will be honest, a part of me has thought the same thing as your DH. I have tried and tried and no matter how close i get, i still loose. Even my sister has said that if it was her, she would have probably given up trying by now becuase she would take it as the world trying to give her a message.
I did feel a bit like this for a while, but the way i ended up looking at it was a bit like what we talked about a few weeks ago, sitting there with our screaming kids running around us and us relishing in their delight rather than telling them to shut up - this journey though it might be hard is one we for some reason are meant to take. But we are meant to take it. And one day we will look back and be all the more grateful for it because it was so hard.
I beleive to experince the best of the best to its fullest, you need to have some idea of the worst to appreciate it. And we have definately felt the worst. It wont be easy, but i know this is what you and your DH want and you will have the strength to see it through together.
it sounds like he was just having a moment. We all have them. And you were right to feel abit put off, but im sure he was just feeling a little down on himself and was trying to justify his problems a little bit. He has done well to get over it so quickly!!
Take care
Jo - I think like us our DH have down days too and perhaps he was just feeling emotional and thought for a moment that it was too hard. By him going back to TTC mode the next day, I would say he was just having a bad day. In a way I sometimes think like your DH. I have been trying to have a baby for 3.5 years and sometimes I think that maybe I am just not meant to have one here with me. But then I think stuff that who is to tell me that I can't have a baby!!!! I will do anything it takes but some days it does seem so far away. I can understand you being upset. Perhaps your DH blames himself (although it is not his fault) for you not being pregnant. I know I blame myself because I am the one with fertility problems and I blame myself for losing Cooper. I even told my DH to leave me because my life is too hard and he could have a better life with someone else...................this was on a really bad day - DH just told me to shut up!
I know life was not meant to be easy but I didn't think it would be this hard either!
I didn't think so either Lynn! Any of it, but especially how hard it would be to do this.
As a kid, all my dolls were my babies etc, i just figured that having a baby would be so easy, and natural. I never for a second thought a life that i have now existed for me. Or that i would ever be faced with the possibility of not having a child. But such is life.
Hello ladies!!
You may have noticed my name changed.
I had a panic thought that my sister may come accross me in here (she is pregnant at the moment) and i dont want her finding out when i get pregnant before i am ready to tell people. Sorry if there is any confusion!! I am sure you all understand.
Love Me