-
thankyou for that spring angel.i hope to be feeling ok soon too. i think it might be just the whole af thing cos i felt fine till yesturday. hope you have a great time shopping i try to stay away from the shops other wise i spend to much money. i am with you on the transformers its not my type of movie havent seen it yet but might do. i watch spiderman 3 on friday and i thought that was ok. my son is 3 and he loves spiderman but dont think its the type of movie i would let him watch. which is a shame they direct it at kids but its a m rated movie. same as transformers.
-
Hi Y'all
Well the shopping was fun, I didn't buy a thing but we got plenty of handsome stuff for DH to wear to work. I tried on a few things but I feel like a blimp at the moment so I just didn't feel in the mood to purchase.
Where is everyone, boy has it been quiet in here. I hope you are all having fantastic Sunday's.
I'll pop by later on.
Lv Spring.
-
Spring - it is so understandable that you are having a tough time at the moment. You are nearly there yet so far................but you will have that baby in your arms very very soon. We are all here for you so reach out whenever you need. Big big :hug:
Deb - thinking of you today :hug: Just know that my thought are with you every day for the next few weeks. Little Col will get through and you will have him/her in your arms very soon. Take care, be strong :hugs:
Bailey - what are we going to do without you here!!! Hopefully you and your computer are back here soon.
Klee - how are you going? What's news? Settled back into things here? I hope you are well :hug:
Jo - haven't heard from you in a while. How is that dreaded 2ww going? I hope so much you have a positive at the end. Take care.
Susan - feeling depressed about af arriving is so normal. It confirms so many things, alot of thing that you don't want to accept. I hope she is being kind to you and that this is your last one for a very long time.
Nat - m/s is ok. It depends on how much I eat each day as to whether I get it!! If I eat little bits constantly through the day, particularly in the afternoon, I seem to miss it. Saturday night was pretty bad because I didn't have anything after lunch and when cooking dinner I felt sick and once it was cooked I just couldn't eat it! But it was great, I love it when I do feel sick!
Kat - I definitely think our angels are playing together amongst the stars. How are you going? I am finding that as each month passes, it gets harder because I realise more and more what I am missing out on and I wonder how big Cooper would be now. It is so very hard when some people fall pg easy and you struggle. I know it all too well. I have just learnt to block many things out and just concentrate on me and do what I need to do to get through each day.
Aunty M - how are you going? Hope you are well.
I hope you all have a good week. Take care
-
Hi All!!
I am feeling pretty good today.... i am off the pill and i did get the witch again like i thought. All though that is probly a good thing . A good clear out and we can start fresh. i am all set to try to have my scan AGAIN on Wed morning. i have called my doc to check that i can still have it while i may be bleeding and whether this makes any difference. As i said before, I recomended i have the scan, not my doc so im not really sure what we are looking for, i just have this feeling i need to check it out before i try again.
I am having a little prob with DH...
He hasn't really let himself grieve for Zahra. He has been so busy making sure that i am ok that he hasn't taken time for himself. With our first two losses, as much as it hurt Shane, i dont think they really effected him as much as they did me...don't get me wrong, he was sad and he was there for me, but i think we all understand how internal the feeling is when our baby disapears from our bodies and doesn't make it to our arms , no matter how long they were with us.( IE miscarriage vs 38 week baby)
but then with Zahra, we got so far and he really let himself think that this time we would have our baby, and i think it has really hit him hard. I sort of felt prepared for the greif and i have slowly dealt with it. and i greived as much for our other angels so it felt similar, where as it is almost like this is the first time he has felt the greif so strongly. He is soo strong for me, but he is having trouble grieving now because he held it in for so long. And instead of just talking to me, he is starting to play up in little ways, by drinking with his mates alot and he gets abit cranky , i know he is going through a bad time and im not sure the best way of pulling him out of it. I am thinking of recomending we see a counseler together seeing as we are trying again. This is also what he is probly stressing about. He knows a pregnant Kat is a crazy freaked out, not sure what to do or how to feel lunatic. Which i am, as you can all understand.!!
I think i will hit him up for counselling and go from there.
I am trying to stop using the net so much at work, feeling a bit slack, i rush through my work so i can on the comp. i am on the mission to step up to the 21st century and get a computer at home! So if i am not here often that is why. That is probly why my posts are so long too, i get on and i have so much to say and catch up on because its been days since i was on. I will still pop in, but i may only have time to read other posts and not reply.
Good bye from me for now! Sorry no personals, i forgot my note book again!!
Kat xo
-
kattie81 my dp and i only had this conversation on saturday when i was really upset and we sat down and talked to one another.i suppose what i got out of it was that he didnt want to confront me about his feelings as i was trying to deal with the loss not only in my mind but my body was too.he didnt want to put more problems on to me.the same with me i didnt want to say anything to him because of how he was trying to deal with it.but at the end of the talk we both felt so much better and it felt good to sit down and just let it all out. when something like this happens you both need to communicate with each other. try sitting him down and making him talk about it show him that you can handle talking about it and you want to talk about it. he might think that you now have the strength to listen to how he feels.if it doesnt work then maybe see a councellar.
lynn thankyou yes i am feeling alot better today i feel that im much more in control of my body which is good.me too am hoping this will be my last one for a long time which i think it might be as i practically just have to look at it and i full pregnant. my dp and i last time concieved the first month we tried.so i didnt think its going to be to hard. its just trying to make it stick this time so fingers crossed.
spring angel im glad to hear you had a good time shopping.and hope you are feeling great only 12 weeks to go chick.wow you are really going good fingers crossed.
a big hi to everyone else hope you all had a great weekend.
love susan
-
Hi All!!
Hi britkane, i think i will follow your advice, thanx.
Lynn, some days are harder then others. I still think about what it would be like to have a three year old too. The worst really is when i see my nephew, they would be so close in age and every milestone he has i start thinking about Zahra. I think thats why i am abit apprehensive of being preg at the same time as her (my sis) again, i dont want to feel this way about another neice or nephew. I love kids and the only problem is he is a constant reminder. i keep telling myself it will be different as he grows up and isn't this illlusive " Baby" i keep chasing, but only time will tell.
short and sweet
katxo
-
howdy everyone. back from my trip with dh and his sister and their new baby, who is only 3 weeks older than Yeti. it went pretty well, i only cried a few times when anyone could see -- his cry made me think of how silent Yeti's birth was. i didn't pick up my nephew until it was time to go yesterday, i wasn't sure how i would respond. now my arms seem empty again without Yeti. and to see how proud my brother in law is, i just want that so badly for dh. just before we left (i had almost made it through), my sil asked me if i wanted her travel crib because her wee one had outgrown it. i just stared at her in disbelief. i wanted to tell her that it was too big for Yeti, but i didn't have the ability to speak just then. i mumbled some sort of "thanks" and "how i am glad one of us has hope" and stumbled off into the bathroom to cry. on the way home, dh got a good earful of my pain. how can someone give a baby gift to a mother whose son has just died? she has had her joyous, hopeful dreams fulfilled with her wee one, while i know only too well that those dreams are not always reality. i want to send her a guide book of what not to do . . . number one being not giving baby gifts to a woman who has lost her son and is ttc (and when it was so hard for us to ttc Yeti). she meant well, i know, but it hurts so much to have that final stab in the heart.
Klee- i'm hoping seeing my nephew will open me up to babies too, although today i just feel that Yeti is gone.
Kat- sounds like you are dealing with a similar situation as me. each time my nephew laughs or cries, i think, that should be Yeti. my sil is as compassionate as she can be, but it still hurts and she really doesn't understand (she thinks that a new baby will cure everything). the jealousy is so difficult to feel. re dh, last week we had our first real conversation since Yeti died. it was the first time one or the other of us wasn't deeply depressed or angry or jealous or hurt. we were both on an even keel and could actually communicate. so be patient.
Nat- you are right, a few drinks did help with the sil & nephew. hopefully it helped the ttc too. now for the tww and no drinks to help that along.
Spring & Deb- my heart aches for both of you. i hope the time flies by and worry takes a vacation. hugs.
Lynn- i'm sorry for your hard week, and happy birthday to little Cooper. hugs.
-
Auntie M :hug: Unfortunately some people just don't get it. I am so sorry that you had to put up with you SIL being so insensitive. There should be a book, that all family and friends receive after we have lost a baby. That way it could spare some of our pain. Maybe we should start to write one! Silence is one of the worst sounds in the world isn't it? I hate it, I just want a chaotic house full of screams and cries - the sound would be bliss instead of this heartbreaking silence.
Kat - I can understand you not wanting to be pg with your sister at the same time. The pg will be so different and you don't need the comparisons. You will be anxious and will have many fears whereas your sister will not. Big big :hug: to you. This journey is so hard and nothing is right or wrong, it is just making the best decisions for us at the time. :hugs:
-
Sorry ladies, am not going to do personals, I have my "cranky pants" on and am feeling pretty crappy having just come down with a cold.
Warning vent coming, well a vent to my extent:
I popped in to a friends birthday dinner on Saturday night, I didn't know what to expect. I walked in to the place and zoomed in on the friend. I went and sat down and was having a chat, when out of nowhere a baby was kind of popped in my face, trying to stay calm, I tried to laugh it off and sort of say "who's this?", but it felt like it was done to see my reaction. Anyway I didn't stay long, but went and had a little chat around the table, anyway, it seemed that whoever I was talking to would always pass the baby on, I don't know if it makes sense but I kind of got the feeling that they thought I was going to take the baby and run. I mean give me credit I'm not some psycho who's gonna do something like that. Besides people don't realise that all I want is my Phoebe. Anyway I have come to the realisation that I'm not ready to sit down with friends (not family) who don't say anything about what happened, yet I am not ready to see those who want to discuss it either. It’s a strange feeling
Anyway I had another party on Sunday, I was a worker for the day, my sister only meaning well showed a friend of hers a picture of Phoebe. I lost it, I couldn't contain myself, it is so not like me. Her friend actually said to me, express how you feel you are only human. I don't know, I usually can contain my feelings and keep them in check, I know I shouldn't have to, but I actually feel like I am getting worse. I don't know I think it might just have to do with how I feel physically, and having this cold has bought me down. When I am okay physically, I am okay mentally. Does anyone get the same?
Enough of my whinging, sorry ladies
Lynn – can you send me an email with your proper email address, I only have the other one, just want to send you a catch up email
-
Hi all. Had to poop in and say hi, what a time for us all.
Its so hard isn't it. The last time we went to see my sis, I had had a REALLY bad week. I broke down while i was doing the banking for work, a lady i hadn;t seen since loosing Zahra had seen me a called out, "you lost the bump, where is the baby???" and basically, i had a mental breakdown in the middle of town. I was surrounded by loving older ladies, but it was still abit embarrassing. this was two days before we were goingto see the fam for my sisters birthday. I got there, and i just wasn't ready for cuddles with HAmish, but my sis FiL thrust him into my arms. It was hurting DH to see me holding a baby that wasn't ours, he knew how much it was killing me. When iwent to hand him back, my sisi fil, said. "dont you want to see your nephew, you hardly ever spend anytime with him, i see him everyday. You take him." and he just didn;t get it. He knows we have lost evry child we have tried to bring into this world, and he couldn't understand how much it hurts. As far as he is concerned i should be over it and it shouldn't have any effect on DH. It ended up causing a few probs by the end of the night and we haven't really seen them since. I am not too upset, i dont really get along with my fam. They only seem to care about me if im pregnant. When im not they never call or invite us anywhere, but as soon as im preg and a baby might be here, they all jump on board and want to be our best friends. They drive past my house to visit my other sis and her baby and dont stop to see me and DH. It is abit sad. My mum is fantastic though. She makes up for them. Tahts why this time i dont think i will even tell them for as long as i can.I dont need their fake support.
Well enough from me. I better do some work.
Hi to all!!! Take care, i might be back later!!!
katxo
-
klee, r u online? want to chat?
-
hi katti i am online, i don't have messenger though, being at work. aren't our mums the best, i don't know what i'd be like without mine
-
kattie 81 how did it go with your dh did you guys sit down and have a chat
-
Hi everybody - sorry been MIA for too long to catch up on everything.
Basically just checking in and letting everyone know that my lap went well, nothing at all wrong (in FS words, as perfect as can be) which still gives no clue as to why we are not getting pregnant. Now I have to start back on the pill on CD1 next cycle for 4-6 weeks to regulate my hormones and my cycle and go through counselling and med check ups and by the time I come off the pill we should be ready for our first IVF cycle... So it seems we have to accept the fact that we will not be getting that BFP before Nicholas' 1st birthday in September.
Hi to everyone, hope you are all well.
Thanks so much to everyone for their texts and emails over the last week, I appreciate that you all care so much :hug: Update on the tonsilitis, seem to be over the worst of it but still have a few days of antibiotics left but it seems I will survive ;)
Special thanks to Spring and her DH for talking me into going to dr in the first place, without starting the antiobiotics that day I would have had little or no chance of having the procedure done :)
Take care all,
Mel
-
mel1977 im sorry to hear that you have to go back on the pill and having to wait that bit longer tc. its good to hear you are getting over your tonsilitis. i hope everything goes well for you over the next few months.
love susan
-
Mel: :hugs: you are being incredibly strong through all of this babe. If there is anything at all I can do, you know where I am.
Klee: Big :hugs: for you too babe. I totally know what you mean about family only wanting to know you when you are pregnant. My MIL did not speak a word to me in the six months after losing Harry and then as soon as she found out I was pregnant, she wanted to be MIL of the year. I don't want anything to do with the woman. I am lucky too that my side of the family are so wonderful and supportive that it makes up for the bad. About people thrusting babies on them, don't feel bad if you react in an emotional way. What do they think that by giving you a baby it will suddenly make you *better*. I so understand what you mean about just wanting your baby. I am sorry that you had to go through that.
Big love and hugs to all.
Love Spring
-
Mel - so good to see you back :hug: I hope that this plans works for you and very soon you will have your bfp. I'm sorry that it won't be before Nicholas' first birthday. I hope you are feeling better soon. Thinking of you always, big :hugs:
Kat - I am sorry that you had a baby thrust into your arms. It really should be up to you whether you want to hold a baby or not. I'm sorry that your family only want to see you when you are pg. Losing a baby is something you will never get over. You have lost 3 precious bubbas and they are always in your thoughts. No-one should expect you to get over it. It will never happen. Big hugs to you babe :hug:
Klee - I hope you have managed to get rid of those cranky pants! How are you feeling tonight? You need to do what is right for you. If you are not ready to be around other babies then that is fine and if you are not ready to sit down with friends, then don't. Just do everything in your own time. You need to look after your emotions first. Take care :hug: This rollercoaster ride that we are on is full of different emotions and they can pop up at any time and sometimes without warning. You are entitled to lose it whenever you want. Sometimes we don't know why we do, but we do and that is ok :hugs:
-
howdy to everyone.
Lynn- a guide book for family and friends of those grieving a baby's death -- what a great idea. i wonder how it could be distributed. perhaps through the hospitals. if i get one started, i'll send it over to get other ideas. yes, i sooooo want some noise in my house (other than me crying).
Klee-- i get the same feeling with my sil, she came to check on me twice when i was reading alone in the house and my nephew was sleeping in a bedroom and everyone else was outside. she wasn't checking on her son, she was checking on me. i guess because she thinks everything will be healed if i have another baby, she figures i might just replace Yeti with her son. i wish it were so easy to get rid of grief. i also used to be able to keep my feelings in check without even a thought -- i was on an even keel all the time. now i cry in front of people and get angry without any control. it makes others uncomfortable, but that is their problem. i just need to get the feelings out.
Kat- i'm sorry you're missing support from your family. stick with your mom to help you make it through. it is so difficult for others to step past their own concerns to see and feel your pain. i know i am much more compassionate that i used to be . . . .
