i totally agree that having something OBVIOUS if you're doing the money thing is really important!! we had a table with our cake on it, and next to that, a table with flowers, a decorated paint tin (we'd asked for vouchers towards our house renos - which 2.5 years later, we're still using up!), and cards put on it. it was easy to see, the reception staff were really helpful in guiding anyone that didn't see it - was awesome
a lot of people have a wishing well - something visible for guests...
I was about to start a thread for something similar to this.
I have to say that I am not very impressed with a couple we know.
Their wedding invitation contained a little card which asked for a donation to their wishing well in the place of a gift. That part is fine - I have seen this many times. We won't be giving them money though - as I think it is a little rude and I have instead asked them if there is anything they would like as I would prefer not to give cash.
BUT...... I got an invitation to the Bride's hens night the other day and get this... She is having a ****tail party and on the invitation the wording said...
"You are required to bring: A bottle of Strawberry Liquer"
WTF????????????
I SMS'd her and asked if it would be ok if I just BYO as I'm not a fan of ****tails (they trigger my migraines) and that I would prefer to just sip on my JD and coke like I always do. She wrote back asking what she had "designated" me to bring.
Am I just old fashioned or are the words "required" and "designated" just down right rude when it comes to gifts?
we've had ****tail nights in the past where we've asked people to put in money towards the alcohol so that there isn't a huge expense on the person organising. i know a lot of people do it as each person brings a specific bottle of alcohol instead. i don't think it's rude to ask people to chip in, but i think the way this person has gone about it is probably not particularly polite.
we worded the invites in a way that said we'd be asking people to chip in, and to contact us. there was no issue with anyone as we worded it in such a way that it wasn't a demand, it was a request. we had one person decide they weren't going to drink ****tails, so they were asked to BYO. we had the drink that they would drink here, but if they weren't contributing to the ****tails the same as everyone else, there was no way we should be supplying alcohol for them.
We had a ****tail night for my hens night & I asked everyone to either bring a bottle of something to mix, or what ever they prefer. I ended up with 4 bottles of Blue Curocao(sp?), 2 bottles of Malibu, Tequila, Vodka, Sambucca - YUK! - Plus everyone bought something for themselves as well.
I think we all thought the Blue was exotic & different!
We also asked for money at our wedding. We had lived together for 6 years & already had the girls. We wouldn't have asked for anything, but people kept asking what to give us. Thats when we decided on the Wishing Well idea.
We had a Chest instead though. Our cake table had a guest sign book, the chest & a photo album to sign all with the chest. Plus we left a pen, paper & envelopes there as well.
I had a few people just leave a little message. Most of them put the money in with the card. They'd sign the book & add the card to the chest if they wanted.
I also had a gift table at the other side of the Bridal table.
We got any where from $30 to $100. Mostly $50.
Our money paid for our Honey Moon.
I think that if she had asked for people to chip in for the alcohol then that would have been fine - I probably still would have BYO as I don't drink ****tails. But it was the fact that she used the word "required" and then specified what I needed to bring - almost like I didn't have a choice in the matter. That is what I found offputting. She has even asked one of our friends, who is 27 weeks pregnant, to bring the Midori!! I just think the invitation was worded very badly. I have no intention of drinking any of the alcohol except for my own - and I am happier to spend my money on something I will actually drink than something that I won't even touch.
I hope I don't end up drinking too much... I might accidently let slip how I feel!
We got 4 of these for our wedding. We specified no gifts - 99% of our guests had to travel 200-600km to get there - instead we received donations to go towards our sponsored child's charity. We set up a money house (a hand-me-down from friends who asked for cash) which we redecorated to look African, with a cow and a straw roof.:
This turned out to be a double barrel gift, as most people didn't include their details with their donation (we provided forms so that the option was there) so we put it all through in my name when we forwarded it to Plan. It came back to us in the form of a $3500 tax return for me, because of the large charitable donation.
In a vent though (one that I've never been able to have anywhere else) other friends who have asked for cash have netted $4-5000. With the same number of guests, we pulled in under $2000. I know there was travel involved, but I can't help but think that it's rude. If we'd asked for money for us, we'd have got more. But we asked for money for those who NEED it more, and we got less.
We did also ask for handmade and personal gifts, including recipes, letters, stories and photos of us. We got a hilarious handbook from a cousin, some great vinyl records, a marriage textbook someone got from a local op shop, loads of great photos and heaps of lovely and touching letters. I cried more opening our gifts than I did on the wedding day!
So my answer to smiles4u's original 3-month-old and now irrelevant (wedding would have passed) question is: NO, it's not rude to ask for money. It's shallow, but it's not rude.
And for amysarah: it's pretty common to ask everyone to bring a bottle, you just have to be sure they will all come! Otherwise you can get an imbalanced range of ingredients! It's actually more practical than having to ask everyone for money on the night, or ****ing about with change, or the bridesmaid being out of pocket $200, as happened at a recent hens night I hosted. I think that what you've done is completely acceptable though, because you have let them know. Enjoy the night!
DP's sister got married last year and she asked for donations towards their honeymoon..
It was run through harvey world travel and people could just go in there and give over money.. it was asking for money but not "cash"... I didnt find it rude at all
I thought it was a great idea
Thanks, a number of people here including myself asked for money at their weddings. I would much rather be classified as rude than shallow.:
ditto. i think shallow is extremely harsh! would it have been better for me to say "we have two house fulls of furniture, we want to renovate, so call XYZ and work out what tin of paint you can buy, what additional nuts bolts screws we need"? it wasn't shallow, we didn't use it for petty things. we boughd a video camera with the cash we got, and the vouchers have gone towards painting inside and out, fencing, a new pergola. nothing that would have been an appropriate gift for someone to give for a wedding!! but you can guarantee when people come here, they notice the changes, and they KNOW they were a part of it. it wasn't shallow at all:
I don't find asking for money, donations to wishing well (for a specific purpose), vouchers at certain stores, donations to honeymoon.... at all rude or shallow...
I would much rather help give the newlyweds something that they can and want to use and something they will remember forever..
We also did a wishing well for our wedding as we had moved two house into one unit together so not only did we have everything we needed we had two of them. One thing we didn't have was a good lounge suite so I said that is what we would be buying with it so people knew what we were going to do with it. With the invitation we provided the envelope so it would be completely anamolyous (sp?) and the wishing well was placed on the table at the entry to the reception next to the table seating list so it was visable to all guests.
Before our engagement party I was going to do presenets but after getting over 20, yes you read it right, 20 platters I opted for the wishing well.
I do not think it is rude to ask for a wishing well over presents and I am certainly not a shallow person!!
I don't think its rude to ask for money as a wedding gift.
We had a "treasure chest" at our wedding but we also had a very small gift register at Myers for people who weren't comfortable in giving money.
We only did this as we'd been living together for 6 years and had the smallish appliences and towels,sheets etc but needed some larger items of furniture etc. We were able to buy a new tv and entertainment unit and a few other items with the money we recieved.
So the money certainly wasn't "wasted" and it was and is still very much appreciated :)
I wouldn't specifically ask for money. If me and my DP had everything we needed and didn't want any gifts, I would specifically say please no gifts and somehow try to get across to guests that we do not have any room/need for them! Of course people would still probably give gifts - things we don't need or already have, but isn't that the nature of gift giving? :rolleyes: I know that my family rather give cash than gifts anyway, as they are lazy or can't think of what to buy lol. I am a big charity person so I think the Oxfam idea or having a wishing well set up for a charity is a great idea! I think I'll p*ss off a lot of people at my wedding - I've already told DP the catering will be strictly vegetarian! :lol:
On the other hand, it is really understandable why asking for money is common these days. Considering many couples tie the knot after living with each other for a while, traditional gifts aimed to set them up for married life are kinda irrelevant iykwim. Therefore money is more practical, and it also ensures that it will actually be used for something the couple need or want. Isn't that the whole point to begin with?? :clap:
HI Everyone,
I haven't been to a wedding for a while and have never been asked for money as a present.
I think the biggest issue s here not being asked for money but how the happy couple ASK for it. When you are invited as a guest, it should be because the bride and groom want to share the day with you, not because you'll pay them back for the food and drink you consume on the day!
But, as a guest, it is customary to give a gift for good luck for the marriage, usually something you choose, whether from your own choice or from a list of suggested gifts/ registry.
If you make a gentle suggestion such as, "if you would like to give a wedding gift for the bride and groom, we are currently saving towards a honeymoon/ renovation/ whatever, and if you would like to contribute to this dream, there will be wishing well at the wedding reception.', it is so much nicer than 'we have everything we want, just give us money!
Our wedding was vegetarian too! Let me know if you need any other ideas...:
I'm sorry for suggesting that asking for money is shallow. It's not, really. I actually think it's better than to end up with 5 fluoro orange tea towels and a hideous hurricane lamp (which we did, even after asking for no gifts!) That comment was misdirected anger at us getting less than our friends who asked for money for themselves.
And get this - one person, as we were leaving, hugged me and said "Oh, and that money? It's for your honeymoon, not for your sponsored child"
Can you believe it?!?!:angry:
Wishin wells are becoming more and more common to the point where most stationary design places include wishing well cards in the packages.
I've got two "money" weddings coming up.
I'm getting personalised gifts for the couple. Just because they haven't said for what they will use the money. If it was for renovations or moving to a bigger house I'd give money (and have done in the past). But otherwise I find it a bit distasteful. I DON'T want to pay for someone to go on honeymoon - that's not because it's wrong, just my viewpoint.
So what if you already have lived together and have things? DH and I had things - but we didn't have NICE things, like the dinner service, crystal glasses, good cutlery... actually, most of our kitchen things were second-hand so we got some lovely new things that were really cheap for the kitchen. New bed sheets. Tablecloths. We didn't need some things you traditionally buy people but we did need other things. We were bought a freezer, but we already had a fridge (for example).
I would rather give to charity, maybe I'll sponsor something for the couple for a year, that may be better than hand-painted coasters with their names and wedding date on. I don't mind money going to a new house or a BIG project the couple need (we had people give us money and state it was to help us buy a house) but I dunno, the thought of giving money when we've already spent a bomb just travelling to the wedding and the couple using that at the bar... I just don't like it. I'd rather not be upset by that thought and do a charity thing for them instead. Thanks for this thread, I'm glad I can help someone with this now!
I'm a bit of a stick-in-the-mud when it comes to this. I am not offended if people as for money (though I didn't do it myself nor would I) but I hold that it is the gift givers right to decide what to give in the end. After all receiving a gift is a priveldge not a right.
So if people ask for money but I know something that they would both like and use and dont' have, then I will give them the gift. I think it's nice to have someTHING from ME in particular on the celebration of their marriage. So I don't think it's rude to ask for money but I also don't think it's rude to give a present if asked for money.
well, we did it ourselves, it is normal were we come from (europe), so everybody does it like this.
we were able to pay for the whole reception with that money!
i don't get offended at all i don't have to think about what to ge them and not a million others get them too, i even had a couple giving us an account no. at a travel agent, so they went on a honeymoon with the money they got, i think its better then lots of things you don't really want/need/like....
I'm from Europe and live in Europe still and it's not the norm here! It's a new thing and not many people like it. Maybe you're from a different part of Europe than I am.
I'd be horrified if I gave money and the couple used it for the reception. Stick to a budget! (Same for the honeymoon - it's not a necessity and you can go camping or just lock the doors at home if you have no cash.) I'm not giving you money to pay for having me as a guest! I find that rather rude, which is why I prefer to give a gift if I do not know how the money is planned to be spent.
We did this for our wedding. We had already been living together for a little while so didnt really need any of the house type things as we had them already. The only thing for our house we really needed was a sofa... so we just asked people for a small amount of money so we could by ourselves a sofa. lol!
We werent fussed with whether or not people gave us money. A few people couildnt afford a gift or money and I was fine with that. It was more about them being there on the day. I dint care how much money we recieved.
We just had a wishing well in the foyer of the reception venue. People just put their envelopes in it and there was no pressure for them to have the envelope with them at their table and we didnt make any fuss or mention over it. I wouldnt have wanted to have put anyone in an embarrassing situation by having people come up to me and put the envelope in the box infront of me. But we also made it pretty clear to people that if they felt wierd about giving money then they can get a goft instead. A few people got a gift for us as well and that was cool as well.
I'm sorry that you felt uncomfortable at this wedding. I do aggree that they could have done it a bit differently as it seems like quite a few people were uncomfortable with the way the money giving thing was done.