I'm not sure where to post about my losses, but I need to respect them by posting somewhere.

On Wednesday I lost my fourth baby, Pip, and ectopic pregnancy that nearly claimed more than my ability to get pregnant again. I almost died, after the ectopic ruptured, but the pain I feel now is all in my heart.

I have one beautiful DS who is 4 years old who was a clomid baby, after trying for 2 years to get pg. In 2008 we decided to TTC #2 and ended up on clomid again in 2009. I m/c twice in 2009 just before 5 weeks, and then had a polyp removed in 2010. I then m/c again and my FS threw up his hands and said "there is nothing more I can do", and put it down to bad luck.

I did a heap of research and found an excellent FS who is also a Reproductive Endocrinologist and she said get rid of clomid and lose 10kg, both of which I did. In December '10, I started on Gonal f and then took pregnyl support in the luteal phase. And what do you know on January 1st, 2011, I got a BFP.

I was scared and had HCG tested twice a week untill 6 weeks. All looked pretty good. I got some pains, but no cramps, no bleeding, all the right symptoms. I let myself believe I was actually going to end up with a baby by the end of the year.

For 19 days I was elated. I bought clothes for the baby. I started to get out the baby stuff from DS to see what I had.

I woke up on Wednesday and I knew something wasn't right. I wasn't bleeding, but the pain was terrible, like I needed to go to the loo but couldn't. By 10am I was beside myself and my sister came around and we decided I should at least go to the dr. I was determined not to go to the hospital becasue then I was admitting that I knew the baby was in danger.

We went to the Royal Women at 12.30 when I was in so much pain I just couldn't bear it. My first scan of my baby was in a hospital with me writhing in pain and not seeing the heartbeat I was so desperate to see. I knew Pip was ectopic, and I saw al the blood pooled in my abdomen and I knew I was in big trouble.

My baby and my left tube were removed by laproscopy. They told me I was bleeding so badly I was very lucky and they had put a drain in the draw the blood away.

Now 5 days later I feel...numb. I am angry that I couldn't keep my baby. I am angry that I put so much effort in to get pg again and again. I am angry I can't seem to find a path through the gloom and emerge glad that I lived.

I don't know what path I can take from here. Will I be able to get pg again? Will I have another ectopic? I want answers and I can't find them.

I am so blessed to have my beauitful DS but I didn't imagine him being an only child. I want him to have a full, rich life and learn what it is to have the love of siblings, which I hold so dear.

Thanks for giving me the forum to honour my lost babies and pay tribute to anyone who had had to bear the pain.

Bec