Those are the three words that turned my world upside down.

When DS was about 12mths, my cycles returned and DH and I had to decide if we were serious about number 3. We both felt that we weren't finished and although we were living in perpetual chaos, we decided to just go for it. Three cycles in, I found myself exhausted on the day AF was due and received a faint but definitely there BFP. I was stoked. The next morning it was stronger and we excitedly shared the news with our parents and my sister. I had the BT at the GP, levels nice and high. Booked in with the birth centre and ultrasound place. Then we settled in to wait - unlike the two previous pregnancies that had been private and private-turned-public, I had an early scan with the Obs. This time, nothing was planned until 12 weeks.

Weeks past. My BBs got bigger and I was exhausted but never really felt sick. We shared with a few people and every time someone asked me how I felt my response was always "Its like I'm not even pregnant, I feel fine." Those words really haunt me now...

Every time DH and I would have a moment with the two kidlets, one of us roll our eyes and with a smile/grimace would say "Are you sure you want another???" Those words haunt me too...

Yesterday, 10wks 6days, my world shifted on its axis when I went to the loo and saw blood. I have never had bleeding in a pregnancy. It completely threw me - and terrified me. I called DH and when he answered I said the words I'd never expected to say: "I'm bleeding". And then I started to cry. I didn't know what to do - who do I call? The GP hasn't seen me since 5wks. The birth centre isn't seeing me for a week and a half. Called the GP who told me to go straight to the ED at the Mercy. DH had left work straight away and picked me up and we went to the Mercy.

The bleeding continued but it was light. I told my manager at work (fortunately a good friend), called my mum and my sister and of course posted on here. The overwhelming outpouring of support and love was amazing. I went into hospital confident that it was just a little bleed and nothing to worry about. We'd be fine. I wasn't in any pain, the bleeding was light. We'd be fine. Please God, please let us be fine.

We were seen my a MW and she took blood. We waited... saw a Dr (Obs or Gynae I guess) who did in internal and found a lot of clots and more bleeding. She said we'd be having an u/s and to wait.

1.30pm we finally made it into medical imaging. Up onto the bed, she tried the tummy u/s first. Told me I had a "retroverted uterus" (in two other pgs no one has mentioned that...) and that an internal u/s would be the best way to see anything. On the screen, when she had the thing on my tummy, I couldn't see anything. I started to panic. Surely at 11wks, it'd be visible externally, retroverted uterus or not.

Started the internal u/s, joined by an actual Dr. She started by measuring my ovaries, while I felt like screaming at her "I don't give a toss about my ovaries, PLEASE show me my baby!" Eventually she moved up and we saw a gestational sac... and nothing. She said "There's the gestational sac... and... " she moved the wand around and I couldn't see anything. It was just a big black shape. Nothing moved, nothing flickered. No white parts, nothing. Black. My hand was on my mouth and I started shaking. Then she said the words I'll never forget... "As I think you can see, there's no baby."

I think I stopped breathing for a minute and then started to cry. She measured the sac and it was all over. She said she'd give us a minute and left us in peace. I collapsed against DH and cried.

She poked her head back in and seemed surprised that I wasn't dressed yet. DH asked her to give us another minute. I got dressed and she took us back to Emergency. She asked for a room so we could have some privacy and I heard her say to the clerk "She's quite upset." I felt like screaming at her "I've just found out there is no baby, how do you think I'm going to react????"

We went outside for some peace... Eventually we were shown to a room and had to wait for the Dr again. She came in and saw us and the first thing she says was "You seem upset, is everything ok?" And I looked at her astounded and said "I've just found out I've lost the baby, of course I'm upset, what do you expect?" Then she said she hadn't realised and was very sorry. She said she was changing shifts and someone would see us soon. That was 2.30pm.

By 5pm, I'd lost it. I couldn't sit there not knowing what was going on. We'd asked, someone would "see us soon"! Eventually when I said I had to leave, my actual children at home needed me (and I needed them, so badly) they told us two more minutes. And finally, we were seen.

Apparently its called an "anembryonic pregnancy" - no embryo. For whatever reason. So there was no baby. Not then, not 2 weeks ago, not ever. She recommended a curettage as the size of the sac was big enough to warrant it and it didn't seem I was passing it naturally. So I signed the form and went home to my babies.

Overnight the bleeding increased and I started to feel a lot of pain. By the time mum took me to hospital the bleeding had worsened and I was in real pain. I had to administer misoprostol to soften the cervix and when I did that, the bleeding started in earnest. Thankfully that meant they bumped me to the top of the list and by 8.45am I was in surgery.

9.30am I was awake in recovery and feeling a thousand times better. The pain had settled and bleeding had stopped.

By 11.30am I was eating lunch, by noon I'd been discharged and by 12.30pm I was home and in bed.

Now I am left to deal with my emotions. Overwhelmingly, I feel lost, empty, confused. I was never pregnant. My body thinks I was, therefore my mind thinks I was too, but there was never a baby there. How am I supposed to process that? How do I grieve? If I haven't really lost anything?

DH says its kind of better this way, at least there wasn't a tiny little baby on the screen that had died. But how do I tell my heart that? I've spent 7 weeks loving this baby that never existed. I don't know what to do with these emotions.