My whole pregnancy had been wonderful and normal. After a year of trying to conceive we fell pregnant with you on the night of a full moon while camping with friends on their bush block up in FNQ. I remember dreaming that night of you. I saw you in my arms and your big eyes were locked on mine and I couldn’t look away. I told your dad that I though you might be onboard as we hiked back to cars the next day. He smiled and held my hand and suggested we just wait till we could no for sure. I like to think that we connected from the start.
We always knew that you would be born at home there was never a question of going anywhere else as I wanted to be in my own home and space. As the first few months went on we found a wonderful midwife who we felt a connection with, very quickly she became a close friend and check ups where more like catch ups. I marveled at how you grew and loved feeling you move inside me.
We decided to have a 20 week scan after much discussion. Until that point we had not seen anyone other then our wonderful midwife and even then it had only been a handful of times. So off we went to have a closer look at you. I think I fell in love with you even more that day. Everything was perfect and normal and off we went with a picture of you that I put in frame in our birthing space. In it you are tuned to your side and it’s like you are looking right back at us. The only issue was regarding your size. The scan put your EDD a week a head of mine but in the long run if didn’t impact on anything.
I spent the last months getting our home ready for you. Dad painted the last rooms and I cleaned and prepared our birthing room. We filled it with candles and things that we felt would help make this space special for us. I even made dad set up our birthing pool when I was only 36 weeks along just so I could see how it would look. Dad even surprised me a day later by filling it so we could ‘test’ it out. I think dad just liked the idea of an indoor pool.
40 weeks came and went. While you were not moving as much we didn’t worry, there wasn’t room to move in. Your heartbeat was strong and we were both well. 41 and then 42 weeks came and went. I had been having strong BH on and off for weeks and several times I was convinced labour had started only to have it stop. I think this was the hardest part for me as it made me frustrated and tired.
I woke early one morning and went to the toilet and noticed I was leaking. I felt excited and thought you would surely be with us soon. I leaked slowly all day and then it seemed to stop. We called our MW and she came around to check us. I was about 2 cm dilated but you were still very high and my cervix was still hard. There was a while to go yet. I leaked small amounts of fluid on and off all week and a check up at our local hospital showed everything was fine. Given that I was now post dates the OB offered to induce me. We talked it over and decided to wait a few days more. We would go back in if nothing changed.
That night I spoke to you and sang to you, dad even played his guitar for you. I felt you roll over and knew that it couldn’t be much longer.
The next day I took it very easy and did not much. By afternoon I had noticed that you were not moving. I tried a cold drink, food and moving around. I even made a coffee to see if you would respond, nothing. We rang our MW who came straight away. Using her portable Doppler she listened. It took ages and I think I already knew what she was going to say. She couldn’t find your heart beat.
We went straight up to emergency, all three of us. We were shown directly to a bed. Soon after a doctor came and listened, he found nothing either but wanted to do a scan. By this point I think part of me had gone to sleep or switched off. I knew what had happened, you were gone but my brain wasn’t thinking right. I remember saying to your dad that this would all be for nothing and that you were just laying in a spot where they couldn’t hear your heart.
The rest is a bit of a blur. We had the scan and it showed that your little heart was not beating. Everything was still. Lots went on at this point and there was talk of forcing you out. For some reason I couldn’t stand people talking that way. I ask our midwife if I could go home and come back in the morning. In the end we did this. I wanted one more night with you side me.
We went home and went to bed. Dad and I cried together. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I woke up about two hours later with intense pain in my lower back. It was like waves moving up from my lower back. I moved onto my knees and moaned which woke dad up. Once it passed we went into the toilet and found part of the plug in my pants. It turns out you were on the way.
We waited till mid morning to ring our MW who came around. She had just been with another client and could only stay a while. I was in labour and you were coming only we knew what to expect on the other side.
It took another 8 hours for you to arrive. You were born into your daddy’s hands in water at 5 o’clock in the evening. Our midwife and made it back in time to help us greet you. An hour later your placenta came out and there were two big knots in your cord. You had not been getting enough oxygen and we think this is why you couldn’t stay.
Our darling boy you were so beautiful. Light brownish hair that your brothers were also to be born with. You weighed 4.1 kg and had the longest little fingers I have ever seen. We named you Eliot, a name your Nana had suggested very early on, it seemed to fit you.
You stayed with us for 3 days before we let you go, we eventually scattered you by the same waterhole we had made you.
Not a day goes by that your not missed. I watch your little brother’s play and can sometimes see how you might have been, their big brother to sort out disagreements and share things with.
Fly free my precious boy.
Last edited by Indi; April 8th, 2011 at 05:48 PM.
: spelling..
That is such an overwhelmingly beautiful story. I feel so moved to have read about your beautiful boy Eliot, your family and about your experience. It feels so intimate to read your story as a 'letter' to your boy and makes me feel very privileged to share it with you.
It is such a generous gift to share such a story. I have not been through such a loss, but I have a close friend who did and I truly appreciate gaining some insight into what she went through in a small way.
Thank you for sharing your amazing story, I am so glad two more DSs have come to bless your family since the loss of Eliot - I just looked at my DS and felt an amazing feeling of how lucky I am. Eliot is a lucky boy to have a Mummy who loves him so much.
Could not read without posting. Thanks for being so brave & sharing your story. I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious boy. I realise you mentioned that some time has passed but all the same I am so very sorry. for your angel Eliot.
Indi - the love you have for Eliot is so evident from how you wrote his beautiful birth story. Well done on the home water birth of your little boy. I am so sad he couldn"t stay. Go gently as you grieve his passing.. Thankyou for sharing.
Eliot our babe born sleeping
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I'm so sorry that he couldn't stay 
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