Hi everyone. At Christmas DH and I were shocked and delighted to discover we had conceived naturally while waiting for our next IVF cycle. I have only one tube left after the ectopic last year and it's in "bad shape" so we'dbeen told chances of natural conception were very slim. And yet, we had a little Christmas miracle which we nicknamed Hope.
Sadly this week at our 10 wk scan, we saw that Hope's heart which had been so strong at 8 weeks, had stopped. Our miracle had flown from us. It was a shattering moment for DH and I as we stared at the screen.
Our third loss in the space of 12 months has left us devastated, empty and also angry. I had a curette today and am physically exhausted.
And I am also scared I might never get to hold my forever baby. We wonder why this has happened again and I worry something is wrong with me. I am so angry I see people pregnant around me who smoke and mistreat their bodies while I try to do all the right things.
I hope that in time the well of inner strength will come to the surface again to pull DH and I through.
We loved you sweet baby Hope, and will always remember you sweetie. Fly safely little soul.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby, Possums. I hope you are surrounded by all the love and comfort you need right now. Lots of hugs to soothe your heart.
Oh Possums, I am so sorry to read of the loss of your precious angel Hope. Wishing that I had something wonderful and profound to say but all I can do is send hugs
I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss, i really hope you and your DH are able to heal. Please don't lose hope that you will hold your much wanted bubs in your arms. Big hugs to you and DH
Oh Possums I'm so very sorry that this has happened tou you and DH once again. I want you to know the you are in my thoughts hun. Please take care of yourself and DH.Also you both are allowed to feel sad,angry,frustrated and however else you feel at the time. Allow yourself to yell,cry, scream,hug someone, throw something or punch a pillow if that helps you hun
Thanks. Today is really hard as DH has gone back to work. I am home as I am just not together enough to deal with people yet. I plan to go back on wednesday. I wish I could drop out for longer to be honest, yet I am worried being home alone might not be the best thing either.
As for whether we are going to have further tests, I am not sure yet. The material collected in the D&C has been sent away for testing. My Ob says he doesnt recommend further tests for us yet, as this was only (Only!) our second miscarriage, the first onebeing the ectopic doesn't count as a miscarriage. He says it's not 'recurrent' until 3 or more, then they do tests. Sounds scary if/when we manage to be pregnant again, the threat of losing another will loom large.
We also have to decide whether to try naturally, or go straight to IVF. We don't know if this natural conception was a miracle, a fluke chance....or a sign that things maybe arent as bad with my remaining tube as they thought. There is also the high risk of an ectopic in that tube.
Then again, IVF is an emotional, draining, expensive experience, and we don't relish the thought of facing that again.
Maybe we'll have a few natural cycles, then IVF. I dont know. I guess even though my grief is so raw I am already trying to forumlate a way forward, so I have something to hold on to, to pull me out of this hole I am in.
We are also arranging a holiday.
Thanks again everyone.
Goodbye miracle baby Hope
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. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
.
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