I think it will be good for my healing to tell the story fully.
My pregnancy from the beginning wasn't very succesful. I bled 80% of the time but it was early days and I figured it was normal and i was reasured it was. I had my first scan at 5 weeks 1 day and everything was perfect and i got my first picture of my sea monkey. At 7 weeks the bleeding got VERY heavy thick clots and bright red blood i went straight to the hospital to find that tiger was growing but slowly and s/he's heart beat was quite low and i was given the title of "threatened miscarriage". At 8 weeks things really picked up my horrible ms subsided and i started feeling good all the bleeding stopped and things were looking up i had another scan and tigers heart beat was fantastic very very strong and my baby was even a little bigger for my gestation. At 9 weeks 3 days alot of bleeding started this time with excrutiating cramps. I went to the hospital and was sent straight up for a scan where they struggled to find a heartbeat. My ob looked another person looked then my dad looked, and found it. It was so so slow and my baby was dying before my eyes. 6 hours later we did a scan and found out tiger lost his fight. At 9 weeks 4 days tiger grew his wings and is now playing with the angels in heaven. Things got worse i found out after that the placenta had an infection and they where so suprised that tiger even lasted that long. I can't help feeling responsable the placenta formation is my job as my babies mother, i guess it wasn't meant to be but i just wanted and loved tiger so so much, I had my d&c today and the physical pain has set in on top of this heart wrenching emotional pain. DF is lost, I'm lost and i don't know if I can trust myself enough to TTC anytime soon. I'm sorry this post is so long but i needed to get it out.
Fly free my angel baby tiger, I love you more than anything, Mummy and Daddy wanted you so much and we understand you had to go, thankyou for trying so hard to stay with us but now may you rest, forever in our hearts and a part of my soul.
So sorry for the loss of your tigerangel Lauren.
I found BB after my miscarriage almost 2 yrs ago, I am sure you will find the support you need from the wonderful people here.
The last thing I felt like doing after my mc and subsequent d&c was TTCing again, I think thats pretty normal, I found it hard to even think about being intimate with my dp for awhile too.
It's ok to be sad, to feel lost, I hope writing all that down has helped a little.
beck x
9wks aug 07
Last edited by STARRYSKY; May 30th, 2009 at 06:34 PM.
Please do not blame yourself about the placenta infection, these things are so out of our control and not your fault at all. I know its hard when you need to 'feel' guilt and blame something or someone but I bet you did all you could to stay healthy and strong for your little one so dont beat yourself up
I hope you give yourself and DF some time to heal and do enter the TTC journey again, I may even see you in the threads.
I really hope this has helped slightly. This definitely isn't your fault at all, please don't think that. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart is breaking for you and your DF. Take time to grieve, there is no need to rush into TTC. Just do whatever feels right for you.
There really are no words to take away this pain but if you need anything, I am here.
I have to write it down and move on
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9wks aug 07
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