I wish my m/c would just start already!

[mom2PnE]

I went to the OB last Friday for what I thought would be my 1st of many prenatal appts. Turns out it was going to be my last. My Ob gave me an u/s and all we saw was a small empty sac. She told me that there was still a chance that maybe the baby was too small to be seen. So she checked my hcg levels on Friday and Sunday to see if they went up. Well they dropped and they barely high enough to be 6 weeks pg. She told me that I could wait to m/c or if I didn't feel like waiting then she'd give me meds to cause me to in 24 hours or have a d&c done. I told her I'd have to get back to her on that. Well today she called and wanted me to get my levels checked again. They went down. My hcg was 1306 and my progesterone is only 2.2, so I'm hoping to m/c very soon! I have been crying since Friday off and on. I feel so alone and scared. I'm so mad too! I don't know why on earth we are able to get pg if its just going to be taken from us in a matter of weeks or even days. To top it all off i found out most of this information yesterday and it was the same day I m/c 16 years earlier. So even though I have 3 kids born in the first half of April the end of April sux for me! Just to let you know I live in Janesville, Wisconsin, USA


update

I m/c on April 30th. I felt so alone and still feel that way! I was glad my dh came home from work to be with me. He took a couple more days off too. I still can't stop crying. I just want my baby back! When i talk to people in person I put on a fake smile just because I don't want to burst out crying in front of them. I force myself to keep busy because all I'l do is sit and cry. My OB was worried about my state of mind on Monday so she had her nurse set up something with a councelor to help me through this. This was my 2nd m/c that I know of and its been so hard on me emotionally. I don't eat, sleep nothing. I'm a wreck and its not good for my kids to see me like this. But I don't know what else I can do. I am talking about my feelings to some people, but I just can't seem to accept that my baby is gone. I still find myself rubbing my belly and then it makes me so sad and mad when I notice that I start to cry. I told my dh that I'm ready to ttc again, but after last night I know I'm not. I couldn't enjoy it and started crying and felt like a failure. It was so awful. We weren't even ttc because my OB said wait 2-3 cycles and my dh was wearing a condom, but I had all these thoughts on my mind. Like what if it broke and I got pg and I m/c again for example. I have a lot of healing to do and I just hope that I have the strength too! I'm so exhausted!

Another thing thats not helping the situation is that my mom is in a hospital dying from emphazima and heart failure. She's only 57 years old. I wish she would have quit smoking a long time ago!