well I can't believe i'm posting in here again, but here i am
The day after my best friends son was born, I found out I was pg after only 3 months of TTC.
Everything was going really well, I was vomitting, I was nauseas, I had sore bb's, I was tired all the time, basically all the usual symptoms I expected during pregnancy.
At about 8wks pg I noticed that my nausea was settling alot but I still had sore bb's and still tired.
fast forward to 10wks pg, it was a saturday, and I discover some bright red blood when I go to the toilet.
dh rushed me straight to the ER, and they took some tests and did an ultrasound (couldn't see much on ultrasound because they didn't have any sonographers available). dh & I thought we seen a little flicker on the screen that looked just like a heart beating,the DR seen it too, but we couldn't be sure if it was or not. However, I did let myself get my hopes up and I was thinking it was all ok.
we were told it would take a couple of hours to get the bt for the HCG levels back, so instead of sitting around sad and worried we went to the shops.
after a few hours we went back to the hosp, I could see the dr carrying some familiar pamphlets, ones I had seen before when we lost our first baby.
He told us the HCG level was 3048, I knew instantly that we had lost our baby, but the dr insisted we stay positive and wait until monday to get the proper scan done.
Come monday, I had only some brown spotting. I had to get an internal scan done, cause the guy couldn't see anything. I knew what he was going to say. Our baby was gone No heartbeat detected.
I felt numb, the midwife asked if I would like a d & c or to go home and see how things proceed. I chose to go home, little did I know this would be a huge emotional mistake.
The next couple of days, bleeding increased. On Tuesday I was about to go around and visit family that were visiting when I had a sudden urge to go to toilet. I passed a few clots and one very distinct gestational sac. I was absolutely devastated. I realised then, that I had to flush the toilet. How could I do this?? I could barely bring myself to look into the toilet as I had hoped to catch what came out, but I was too late I had to flush.
Then it hit me, I just flushed my baby down the toilet and I was inconsolable (sp?) I couldn't stop crying, I could feel my heart breaking and I felt empty inside, all I felt was complete sadness. DH was so upset, all he could do was hug me.
I had to go to bed and just cry. Before I knew it, it was wednesday. Time had gone so fast and I had spent the entire time crying. On wednesday, my uterus was starting to contract to get the last of the pregnancy out. I honestly felt like I was in labour, like full on labour. The pain was unbearable and after 3 hrs of this constant labour feeling and passing alot of blood and more clots, the pain subsided and i knew it was over.
we now have to recover emotionally, and for me that will take a very long time because I think I am still in shock with the toilet situation. I am crying just thinking about it.
I can't go thru that EVER again, so atm I don't want to ttc. I need time to heal, I need time to grieve. I need time to recover emotionally and I don't want to put myself or dh thru that again. AND I can't stand the fact that my ds had to see me so upset, the poor little boy, he tried so hard to make me happy, cuddling me, doing funny things and I love him dearly for that, but its something he shouldn't have seen and that breaks my heart.
Sirenz - Oh sweetie. I am so so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I wish I could make it better. Oh darling, nothing is ever easy in this journey. I hope in time you are able to find some peace. I say the word peace, I am not sure exactly what I mean, I think I just hope that you are able to relieve yourself of some of the guilt you are feeling in time. You did noting wrong, but you are grieving and it hurts and its hard.
Bless your little DS. It's ok for him to see you upset, I know its not the image you'd prefer, but please don't feel guilty about it. What he got to see was your love and grief for your angel. What a dear sweet little DS. Sending him a hug for being such a beautiful little boy and sending you one too and don't forget DH, one for him too.
I am really glad you have decided to focus on healing yourself. Go gently. Sending you lots of love and strength.
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pregnancy #3 still only 1 live baby :(
No heartbeat detected.
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