I think Im finally ready to tell the wonderful but heartbraking story of my Lillian.
Back earlier this year I learnt after 2 cycles of clomid I was finally pregnant. To say we were all over the moon was an understatement. I informed my close family and friends of our news. I was constantly feeling sick, tired etc and loved every minute of it, I figured after my last 2 m/c, If I was still sick my "gizmo" was still well.
I had an early scan which showed nothing much so I was told to go for a D and C but I didn't and 2 weeks later found a lil heart beat beating away. My DH and I had planned last year to go visit his family in south Africa, I lost 7kg due to gizmo making me sick.
Upon returning from south Africa I had my first OB appointment where we spotted a playful gizmo on the ultrasound and loved our OB. He was expensive as I was going private but so worth the money. Even now he has been so wonderful to us. we then told the world of facebook our news as I was 14 weeks.
I had my multi blood test to test for downs etc and never gave it another thought.
2 weeks ago I was getting tummy pain which I panicked about due to my last 2 m/c and went to my gp who did a Doppler and then confirmed gizmo was alive and well. But told us the multi test was abnormal, 5 times the normal range. So my scan was brought forward to Friday last week. I had come to the conclusion no matter how bad the spina bifida was we would have plenty of support from family to care for a special needs child.
Last Friday I invited my mum, MIL and DH to the scan and was taking bets on wether it was a boy or girl. I was expecting bad news but my gosh, our hearts just broke.
The guy doing the scan instantly stopped and said this is not good, would you like everyone to leave which I said no, if I was going to be told something bad I wanted everyone to be with me. I felt selfish about this but I guess Ill get over it. On the screen she was perfect to my eyes, heart beating a million miles an hour, nothing wrong with her spine but she had Acrainia (no back of the skull). gizmo was not compatible with life.
I cried the whole way home, I was just in shock and willing to walk infront of a car just to take the pain away. I didn't even find out wether it was a boy or girl.
My GP called Saturday morning and booked me into the local hospital, which I happen to work for. All weekend we tried to keep busy and new by this week we would be a mummy and daddy. We were told Monday the baby could be born alive but due to being 18 weeks and 4 days they wouldn't and couldn't do anything to help. I was seen by the social worker, shown to our private room in the maternity ward and by 4pm Monday I was given the tablets to induce labour. My DH was able to stay the entire time and I was given whatever pain killers I needed for contractions. 6 hourly I was given the tablets but by 6am Tuesday morning the doctor could feel gizmos head and so gave me oral tablets. My water broke around 7:30am and I felt funny by 9am. Went to the toilet and our angel was born 910am in the toilet.
The midwife, shirly was so wonderful. I truly feel she was sent to us by Lillian to help us. I couldn't push the placenta out as it was too high up so they tried manual evacuation which wasn't successful so I went to theatre. I lost 2lts of blood during the operation and am lucky I came out without a hysterectomy. A half an hour procedure turned into 2 and a half hours.
By the time I got back to my room, I learnt we had had a little girl, Who was promptly was named Lillian Nevaeh. Nevaeh is heaven spelt backwards. We have always thought she was going to be a girl, and we thought Nevaeh was a very pretty name. Now it is just so fitting. She was 160g, 18cm long and apart from the back of her head, absolutely beautiful. She never took a breath and we could never register her birth, but Shirly the midwife still filled out her cot card, managed to find a little pink and white nighty, a little white beanie and beautiful pink and white blankets. She even put in a teddie with Lillian. Not once was Lillian refered to as baby or it or any other name but her own. She never left our room but I felt I was going to brake her so didn't hold her. Shirly said never mind hunny, she had plently of cuddles with her aunty shirly. We touched her, talked to her, touched her little hands and feet and my sisters partner kissed her little head. We have photos of her and a memory box with all her little things down to her cord clamp.
Next we had to decide what to do with our little girl. I work at the hospital so know what they do with "medical waste" so we called funeral directors and she will be cremated on Wednesday this week then will come home to be with her mummy, daddy and 2 fur sisters.
next Saturday we will hold a memorial for her with all our family and friends. Im putting off making the details but know it has to be done, We need to send our girl off in style and love.
Now Im crying again, so will leave my little ones story for now. Sorry it is so long but it needed to be said. Lillian will forever be our first little girl, will always be loved and will never ever forgotten!!
Oh I'm so sorry to read of your loss Shan. A beautiful girl with a beautiful name... fly free Lillian Nevaeh. I wish she could have stayed with you. Sending you much, much love and strength.
Congratulations on the birth of your precious little girl, so sorry she couldn't stay. I can so feel your pain, Emmanuel was also incompatible with life, it's just so heartbreaking. May the memories of your daughter stay close to your heart forever.
Oh Shan85 I am so sorry your little girl is not with you, such a sad but beautiful story to read. You have given her a beautiful name that has such meaning. She will always be with you and your family. Sending you lots of love xoxo
im so sorry to hear about ur terriable loss. reading that bought a tear to my eye and my heart to skip a beat.... it brought back a few little memories of my own. she will give you stregth to be able to pull through and no matter what happens she is leading you down the path u deserve to go down. we all cant have enough shoulders to have a cry on, so im here if you u would like to have a talk.
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My baby Lillian Nevaeh
my heart breaks for you while reading this, just so incredibly unfair.
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