It's been forever since I posted on BB, and when I first got pregnant with my angel, I actually typed up a post, but then deleted it, it was like I already knew then that something was going to go wrong I know that I will always have a home here though, and you will all have open arms for me to run into.
After DD was born, I suffered from PND, and thyroid cancer, and it took me forever to get to a place where I thought I could welcome another little person into our lives. And even then, I just had to turn my thoughts off, because the more I thought about it, the more anxious I got, and the more it seemed like a bad idea. So imagine my surprise when 2 months after deciding to go for it, we were pregnant! I was so relieved it happened quickly because I honestly would have chickened out if it didn't happen that quick. We were so excited and told our close family and friends straight away, and everyone was so happy given our bad luck in the past. For 4 blissful weeks, I floated on air, happy in the knowledge that I had a baby on board. But, I never felt pregnant, and friends tried to reassure me that not everyone feels sick, or has sore boobs. And I put it down to still being too early for all those things.
DD is such a mother hen, and while most people look forward to the 12 week mark so they can tell friends, family colleagues etc, all I wanted was to tell DD. She would have been over the moon to be a big sister. But alas, it was not meant to be. At 8 weeks, I started spotting, and then and there, I just knew. I was booked for a dating scan that week, and went along anyway to confirm what we already knew. I was hoping like mad that I wrong, and out little one was snug as a bug, but as far as the sonographer was concerned, he couldn't even confirm that I ever was pregnant. Two days later, I started to pass the majority of the baby, which was a mortifying experience for me. I had another scan to see if I needed a d&c, and thankfully I didn't.
My heart broke when we lost our baby, and it was something I never expected to happen. I was and still am so sad for DD, she wants nothing more than a sibling. I honestly thought it was my turn for something good, but I felt instead that I was being punished, perhaps for waiting so long to try for another baby. But if anything, this has awakened my maternal side that went missing after the birth of DD. I never once felt clucky, or felt the urge to have another baby, but now there is nothing I want more. So there is a silver lining I suppose.
Eta: AF showed her unwelcome face on Wednesday. After getting the go ahead from the Dr, we decided to try again straight away. Hubby was on night shift when I was ovulating, so it made things a bit more difficult, and obviously we didn't catch the egg this time. I was so sad and angry, but there is not a whole lot I can do about it now. At least my cycle wasn't disrupted too much, so fingers crossed for a prosperous September.
Thank you for reading my story, and for welcoming me back to BB, I just wish it were under happier circumstances xo
I'm so sorry for your loss... I know what you mean about being sad for your DD... I was the same, I'd already told DD and then had to un-tell her. Broke my heart all over again.
Big gentle hun....would you believe i was actually thinking about you a couple of weeks ago and wondered if you were still around?! - Not sure if you remember, but we were both lucky enough to have the same wonderful doula (Clare) for our DDs
I am sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling as though you were being punished. But those feelings eat away at you and take your mind to a dark place. As hard as it seems, try to stay positive about the future.. None of us know what might be waiting around the corner. Sending love to you and your family Xoxo
My angel baby
I know that I will always have a home here though, and you will all have open arms for me to run into.
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