It's all over

**Winston** · March 3rd, 2013, 06:53 AM

I'm sorry for the ramble, I wasn't going to write anything in here but I just need to get everything out of my head. I'm on my phone in the hospital still watching the sun rise.

I never could completely trust that this pregnancy was going to lead to a baby. I was only with my partner for 6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I'd had the implanon inserted and it didn't work. I'd already had a loss at 6 weeks in 2009 and was terrified to start with, but my symptoms were strong so I had some hope.

My breasts went up a cup size, I had morning sickness, I was happy. And after the initial shock my boyfriend and I got excited. Slowly, we both tried to hold the excitement back, I was still early. But he has full custody of his 14 month old and is a great dad- I realised yesterday how attached he was as well.

We had the first scan and the heart was beating at 145 beats a min measuring two days ahead of dates. I relaxed a little, the chances now of something going wrong were slimmer.

But I still couldn't get rid of the nerves. I still couldn't post in my belly buddies thread.

I went to the toilet on Friday and the toilet paper had the tiniest bit of pink tinge. Just a tinge. Fast forward 3 hours and I was staring at a lifeless baby with no heartbeat, no blood flow. Only measuring 9 weeks. His 14 month old became hysterical- I think she was expressing what we were feeling. He had to take her home. I was alone in emergency trying to decide what to do, in my little isolated room. I live in a remote location and had no one that could come in.

I had a D&C yesterday, I lost almost a litre of blood so I'm still here, my blood pressure keeps dropping too low to go home.

I just don't want it to be true. I just want my baby. My doc now says after two miscarriages he'll do testing. I'm terrified that something is wrong with me. It's not with him he has a gorgeous 14 month old that proves he can do it. Who everyone thinks is mine and She's not. And right now telling everyone that again and again is just so hard. I don't have any live babies, my body doesn't grow them.

I'm twelve weeks tomorrow, I was suppose to be in the safe zone.

We had a really strange conversation yesterday- we've only been together for 14 weeks and I don't know if it's enough time to be strong enough to get through this. I want another baby- a live one but we won't try, we haven't been together long enough. He's taking it hard- he says he wished he'd never seen either ultrasound. He can't get the lifeless baby images out of his head.

I don't even know where to go home to- my tiny cabin on a property with no tv by myself or his place with a 17 year old brother who has no idea, a 14 month old who I adore but who (as she should do) will cry and yell have her babbled opinions.

I'm rambling, I don't even need any advice or words I just needed it out of my head. If only they would give me the morphine again- it put me in a strangely good mood. If you got this far you deserve a medal

**sloane** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:01 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss, life can be so terribly cruel and unfair sometimes. sending you lots of virtual support and hugs

**KittyK** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:04 AM

Winston

so sorry for your loss, can't imagine what you are going through.

**Joeve** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:08 AM

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself. I know it's hard xx hugs

**Catastrophic** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:08 AM

Im so sorry for your lost xox

huge hugs be kind to yourself xo

**Arcadia** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:19 AM

Here listening

**Kazzo** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:20 AM

Go to where ever you will feel the most comfort hun. I am so sorry for your loss.

**Lisa** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:31 AM

Oh honey, I am so very sorry

**Mrs O'M** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:36 AM

Hugs for you, we are all here if you need a shoulder.

**OceanPrincess** · March 3rd, 2013, 07:57 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sadly there are too many of us who have walked a similar path... We are all here to listen and support. Many gentle hugs Winston

**chody47** · March 3rd, 2013, 08:09 AM

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Take care of yourself.

**Calluna** · March 3rd, 2013, 08:13 AM

Im so sorry for your loss Winston.

**myturn** · March 3rd, 2013, 08:22 AM

**diannescruffy** · March 3rd, 2013, 08:42 AM

So very sorry for your loss, sending a big warm embrace.

Regards,
Dianne

**forshelby** · March 3rd, 2013, 08:46 AM

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've been in a similar situation, conceiving a surprise baby with my partner when we'd only been together a short while. The ending was also m/c.

We've been together 6 years this year, and have a two year old son. From the darkest of situations, we can recover. It just takes time. Here to listen any time you need to talk.