Nikolai 15/09/00

[nicolle]

I am new here and I'd like to share my story about the loss of my first pregnancy. Even though it was 7 years ago, I still think about it often and I wonder what my baby would have been like now.

I was eighteen when I fell pregnant for the first time. My DH (we werent married back then) and I had just moved in together after dating for 3yrs. We were just settling in and learning about sharing our space with each other when a bomb shell hit..I was pregnant! We were not expecting that at all. I was 18 and he 21 and a baby wasnt on our 'things to do list' for the near future! But after recovering from our shock and getting the courage to tell our parents(who werent exactly thrilled by the news) , we started to get used to the idea and excitement crept in. I was so excited I started looking at baby furniture,prams and thinking about names. I hadnt told anyone at work, but I couldnt keep the smile off my face! Soon they started asking me what I was grinning about. At eight weeks I started to tell work mates and soon most people new we were expecting.
I had been for a Dr's appointment to confirm the pregnancy and my Dr had given me a form to go and get routine blood tests done. Everything appeared to be going fine. I had some mild symptoms, breast tenderness and fatigue but no MS.
I studied pregnancy books and new exactly what stage of development my baby was up to day by day. At 10 weeks the first signs of trouble started. I began spotting, it was very light. I noticed it on the toilet paper..a brownish tinge. I wasnt sure if I should go to the Dr or not. I rang my mum who told me it wasnt uncommon to have light spotting in pregnancy. Nothing much else happened so I waited it out. It went away and I carried on as normal. Two days later it started up again,only this time it was more noticable. I decided to go to the Dr. He reassured me that spotting happens and in the absence of any pain I shouldnt worry. He told me to rest for a few days. That evening the blood started getting brighter and heavier. The next morning I went to emergency and I was given an ultrasound around midday. By now I was having mild cramps. I still didnt believe I was going to miscarry..I just couldnt imagine that happening to me. The image of the baby we were both excited about and had built up in our minds was so vivid,it was very hard to accept that that might not happen. I imagined him as a little boy and I was picking out boy names.
At the ultrasound the room was very quiet and I watched the screen still thinking they were going to tell me it was all fine. The technician hovered over the image on the screen but she said nothing. My heart started to beat and my stomach was flipping over. Then she asked me if I was sure about my dates. I was sure. I knew my cycle well and I had tested a few days after my period was due. My dates were right. She said the sac was the size of a six week embryo. I knew I was not 6 weeks and I told her this. She said she couldnt be sure if there was a heartbeat or not,since it might just be to early to see one.She didnt take much notice of what I was telling her about my dates,I felt as though she dismissed me. I was wheeled out by a lovely nurse who asked me if I understood what had just gone on. I said yes, I knew that I couldnt possibly be 6 weeks pregnant,so heart sinking, I realised that there would probably be no baby.
I had blood tests done to measure HCG levels and the Dr who was caring for me told me the results when I got back from the ultrasound. The levels were not consistent with a pregnancy that should be 10 weeks along,they were much lower.
I was told to go home and wait. I knew I was going to miscarry now, apart from the medical evidence my bleeding was heavier and like a regular period. So I went home and waited,even though I wasnt really sure what I was waiting for as I hadnt really been told what to expect. The bleeding went on for 3 days,it was heavy and there was clotting. I thought this was the miscarriage and that the bleeding would stop and that would be it. On the fourth day of bleeding I had been having back pain and cramps all day. Late in the afternoon I was on the phone with a friend when I suddenly felt excruciating surges of pain and then the strange sensation of something leaving my body. I cried out in surprise and shock. There was a perfect little sac that fitted in the palm of my hand. I hadnt known that would happen. I hadnt expected to see anything.
We went back to the hospital and I was kept in for observation and my little sac was taken away in a dish. I was told that the baby had not developed beyond a 5 week pregnancy. I was so devastated. I wondered why I would have stayed pregnant for so long when everytihng had stopped at five weeks. The Dr said these things happen. I knew that ,but I just didnt think they happened to me.
I grieved for a baby I had dreamed about and imagined but would never know. I grieved and my poor DH didnt know what to say or do. Everyone else said it wasnt meant to be and it was for the best. But I wanted it to be and I couldnt see how it was for the best. Best for who? I felt like everyone expected me to get over it because it was early, it wasnt really a baby apparently. He was to me.I named him Nikolai. Nikolai the Russian version of Nicholas, patron saint of children.

thanks for reading my story.