I think I need to get this out as hard as it is.I'm sorry if its all a bit over the place but thats how I'm feeling atm.
So some of you may remember me posting back in December about my 4th little angel baby who we lost at 8 weeks(my dates) or baby stopped growing around 6ish weeks(scan results). Anyway that was a very difficult M/C under the circumstances.
So we (DH and I) just plodded along started to get more tests sorted out and started to see a new specialist in Sydney for a 2nd opinion. Anyway not long after my 1st appointment with him we found out we were pregnant again. This was a bit of a surprise to say the least but a good surprise. I spoke to my new Dr and he told me to start taking all sorts of medication to help things progress(some of which I'd used in previous pregnancies and something that was totally new) and both my specialists wanted Beta HCG's done every 2nd day so that was what I did. My level were rising beautifully so we all decided that there wasn't any need for me to be a pin cushion any longer and to just wait until I had my scan. So on the 11th March I went to Sydney for my 2nd appointment with the Dr there and he did a scan. This scan showed baby measuring a few days behind but that was ok as my last cycle had been 35 days so that was my thinking but bubs heart beat kept stopping and starting which I had hoped was due to the fact I was only measuring 6w1d so was secretly hoping it was just getting started. Anyway Dr took me back into his room and started to tell me all the worst case scenerio which isn't what I wanted to hear but he said he wanted me to have a repeat scan in 10 days. So I made that appointment up here with the place I usually go to and had that scan on Tuesday 23rd March and as soon as they started I just knew that it was all wrong...so very very wrong. All I could see was a sac with no heart beating away as I'd so desperately hoped to see. The sonographer suggested she do an internal scan and as soon as anyone mentions these DH does a runner out to the waiting room.So I have the internal one done and lay there just hoping it was all so very different but it wasn't. Same pic came up with a sac and no heart beating or anything. I was crying by this point. I just couldn't believe this was happening again.
So I came home and emailed my Dr in Sydney to let him know what had happened and asked him to to a D&C for me as he told me he wanted everything tested and he told me I'd be better off getting it done closer to home as I have 2 year old DS to think about. I was a bit hurt by him refusing to do this but could also understand that I needed to consider my boy. So anyway the next day my usual Ob rang me as told me how very very sorry she was that this has happened again and asked me what I wanted to do and I told her I couldn't M/C naturally this time. I just didn't think I could cope with that again so she said she could do a D&C the next day(yesterday) so I said yes book me in for it.
So yesterday was the most awful day of my life. DH had to go to work so MIL dropped me at the hospital and she took DS for the day. I sat at the hospital in the waiting room all alone while everyone else there had their partners with them. I just sat in a chair in a corner just staring out the window through many bouts of tears until it was my turn to go in. My Ob came into see me just before the op and she burst into tears too. She is such a lovely person and she said she wants to run through every single test she can possibly do and has suggested we try some different medication next time but we'll discuss that when I see her next.
The op seems like it has gone ok and all the staff at the hospital were just wonderful and so supportive when they realised what I was there for. 1 nurse in recovery just sat with me the whole time just holding my hand while I was slowly waking up and gave me a drink and something to eat and she just sat a chatted to me until DH came to get me.
Poor DH is shattered and he's been so supportive. I just wish we didn't have to live this nightmare again.
I'm very angry that for some reason my body just isn't taking care of these precious little bubs in a way that it should be. I know I have a few medical issues that make pregnancy a little difficult but to have 5 tiny angels playing amongst the clouds is just too much
I would like to thank everyone who offered support and advice in the pregnancy thread about my bubs heartbeat and the eczema thread and of course all the beautiful woman in the PAML thread. You are all amazing and I don't know where I'd be right now without each and every single one of you
R.I.P Angel Bub #5 8w3d
Im so heartbroken youve had to do this again Mako. It isnt fair and I dont know what to say except you know we all love you and are supporting you every second of everyday even if we cant be there in person!
I'm so sorry Mako I hope your Dr can find some answers for you so you can have another forever baby. Thinking of you and your hubby, and your angels playing in heaven x
Words cannot express how truely sad I am for you hun, it is not fair and you shouldn't have to go through this. Sending you strength to find your way through the heartache
xxoo
I am so terribly sorry that you are having to go through this again, i wish i could do something to help ease your pain. I hope you can find the strength to get through this, just remember we are all here for you
Thinking of you and sending loads of much needed 's to you xo
Mako - I am simply hearbroken for you and DH. I have no words which will salve your pain. Know that you are loved and supported in here. I am glad your d&c went wel and that in the midst of your heartache that someone reached out to you to let you know they were there for you, with just a simple touch of their hand and their willingness to sit with you. You are more special than you will ever know. My sweet blossom, give yourself time to heal and grieve your 5th little angel. Go gently.
Mako I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. I thought I was all out of tears after what I have been through but I am wrong, the tears started to flow again while reading your story.
Hugs.
Oh man this is a cruel world! RIP angel #5
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that you find a way forward when it's time.
Sending you all my love and warmth. 
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