I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our little Matilda 7 weeks ago. We went to the 20 week scan very excited to find out what we were having only to be told she was measuring 16weeks and 4 days and there was no heart beat. I still can't believe it happened. Its like one huge nightmare. I'm doing lots of crying and I'm finding writing a journal helps. Everyday, I spend time writing to Tilly - its my way of connecting with her and I find that gives me some comfort.
I am thinking of you. 7 weeks on its still really raw but it is getting a little bit easier each day. I'm finding a lot of friends and relatives have stopped calling to see how we are doing- as if enough time has passed to put our loss behind us. It made me feel as if I should be over it and that maybe there's something wrong with me. Its comforting to read and listen to others who have lost a child say that you never ever forget your baby. Things might get easier but they will always be a part of your family. I'm letting the grief train take me where it needs to take me. I'm prepared for a bumpy ride but am hopeful Tilly's death was not in vain and that she was sent for a very special purpose. I will wait patiently to find out how I can use her short little life to make a difference to others.

Facing people is hard at first. I had to go to a little girl's first birthday party the week after I had Tilly. That was so hard and in hindsight I probably shouldn't have gone. Her parents would've understood. Give yourself time and don't feel pressured into doing anything you're not ready for. For the most part, once people know they are very supportive. Eventhough some might say the wrong thing, its often unintentional- they just don't know what to say and end up saying something offensive or hurtful.

I hope today is a good day for you. There's a Dido song called See the Sun and its about grief. I play it when I'm feeling low. On a good day, I know this is true so I make sure I play it on a bad day to help me get through.
There's a line in it that says,
You probably don't want hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you you'll see the sun again"
I hope the sun is shining on you today
TIlly's mum




Three weeks ago at our 19 week scan... my partner and i were overjoyed to hear our little p-nut was a girl.. the ultrasound lady said that p-nut was small for her age but there was no indication that there was anything wrong except our dates.. given that this pregnancy was planned i knew there was no way this was possible.. in hindsight i wonder if i should have waited two weeks for my OB appt or wether i should have gone to see him earlier.. i cant help wonder if things would have been different...

up until now we had been controlled not to buy too many little things - adamant to wait until we knew wether it would be pink or blue... we only bought the things we knew wouldn't matter.. the car seat, the pram, the bassinet... we were having the backyard finished and the laundry done so the little one would have somewhere to play and somewhere to be washed...

at the OB appt... as soon as the ultrasound machine was turned on i knew something was wrong - p-nuts heart was still strong but there was next to no fluid around her.. he confirmed what i feared and booked me into see a specialist 4 days later.. he told me that there was very little chance that p-nut would be alive at the next scan... i had no idea how to react to this..

my partner was over east having an R&R break before he started his new job.. how was i supposed to tell him this over the phone...the day before he was so excited telling me how he'd bought his little girl a dress for christmas..

last monday we went to the specialist and heard the dreaded words.. i was booked in to the hospital on wednesday the 5th August where i gave birth to our beautiful baby bear... she was so perfect in every way just tiny.. the tiniest little human being i'd ever seen.. so hard to imagine... so hard to believe..

i cry every day and every night... i cant imagine there will be a day where i wont.. but i hope that there will be.. i wish the bleeding would stop and that i could get on with life.. i have no idea how i am going to face anyone.. i dont know why i feel like i have to face anyone...

this was our first pregnancy - i do have an underlying health condition but we didn't realise this could happen so far into the pregnancy.. i want to try again - not sure when.. but i am fearful of having to deal with this again..

RIP my beautiful baby girl... we will always love you...