The last week has been a living hell, and im not sure if ive even posted in the right forum, but i wanted to share my story and get my feelings off my chest.....
Our pregnancy wasnt planned, but after the initial shock, we were so excited and realised that the universe had given us a special gift. Being unplanned we had to make several sacrifices so we could provide our baby with everything it needed, including cancelling our dream wedding and honeymoon, which was a huge stress in itself, with the family being the way they were. All worth it though, knowing we had a beautiful gift on the way.
I was informed early on that my pregnancy was considered "high risk" due to my age and weight and that i was in a category to develop pre eclampsia, so needed to be vigilant in my self care.
aside from an early implantation bleed and normal pregnancy symptoms the pregnancy was progressing nicely, maternal screening tests and blood tests all came back fine and all ultrasounds showed a healthy baby. Id even had an ultrasound the week before the next horrible chain of events, which the doctors said was perfect.
To my surprise and horror, while driving to work last Wednesday my waters broke, i made it to work and sadly delivered my baby there
The experience was horrific and heartbreaking to say the least, my colleauges saw everything, and i am both shamed and heartbroken that they had to experience this happen.
I was taken to hospital and informed that i would need surgery to remove the remaining bits of my placenta, as it had broken away while tryingto deliver.
What followed next was almost as bad as the birth. 5 attempts were made to give me a spinal block and for 40 minutes i endured needles being put into my spine, to no avail. I was eventually knocked out, to complete the procedure.
The doctors informed me that my baby was alive on delivery, which just makes everything so much harder to handle, even though i know he never would have survived at this age.
None of it makes sense, the doctors have also said that it is unusual for it to happen the way it has, but told my partner and i they didnt have an explanation and even autopsy on bubs and placenta testing may not provide answers.
I cannot understand how a seemingly perfect baby, woth no obvious sign of trouble can arrive 22 weeks early....
The world is such a cruel place at times, so many questions, so much sadness, so much anger......
THe smallest comfort was being able to hold our beautiful baby, Phoenix Star for the shortest time, he was perfect, but the moment was bittersweet, when we had to let him go........
Much love to you and your gorgeous Pheonix, im so sorry he couldnt stay and be apart of your earth lives.
Please dont feel shamed, theres was nothiong you could do to prevent things happening the way it did.
Take care of yourself and please reach out if u need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to.
xxx
I'm so sorry your darling Phoenix couldn't stay in your arms, I'm sure he'll be in your heart forever And you have nothing to be ashamed about, there's nothing you could have done, I'm sure.
Oh no, I'm so saddened to read your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of Phoenix. It is a difficult road to walk but you don't have to walk it alone - we are all here for you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Phoenix. I hope you are receiving the love and support you need at this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself.
I am too so very sorry that Phoenix could not stay... scream, yell and cry at the world if you need to - you just lost your son.......love n hugs babe xoxo
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Phoenix Star 02/11/2011 - 18 weeks gestation
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to you, i'm so sorry Phoenix Star could not stay.
I'm so sorry your darling Phoenix couldn't stay in your arms, I'm sure he'll be in your heart forever
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