Trying to grieve against family wish's

Lulu - Exactly!
I actually said to someone (who got in the way of my bad mood) 'What if it happened to you? How would you like it if someone told you to get over it and move on with your life so quickly?'

SpecialK, i am so sorry for your loss. feel your grief, no matter what others say. it is so difficult for folks to know what to say, and some of the most common things to say are so painful. those people are just awkward and want to say something, but don't know what to say. you love this child as much as your other children, just as any mother does. allow your grief to flow, even though it is painful and not always understood. hugs.

SpecialK, I am so sorry for your loss and you and your DH need to grieve and look after each other. Unless you have lived through this people just don't understand. As you say, you had started planning the future with this new baby and the carpet has been ripped out from under you. Each time I fall pregnant I do the same thing, you start to plan, make arrangements and then come crashing down. You will get through this, spend some time here, we understand, we get it because we have all been there.
Don't let others tell you how to deal with your grief instead may be tell them how to deal with it. Please step into my shoes and live this, try, if you want to, make them understand how much planning you had started.
take care of you most of all and do all the grieving you need.

Rowie, that is sound advice.

Curl, Csab, lulu2, LiZjessie, AuntyM & Rowie,

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your heartfelt apologies, i know i've done the right thing by sharing my story with you all.

I'm exhausted from visiting the hospital and i feel mentally drained. I haven't returned to work yet, i just need a little more time. I still have HCG levels in my blood so i still feel like i'm pregnant physically but mentally i don't.

if anything at the moment i have been letting my kids know how much i love and appreciate them. I have never had this kind of loss before and i can't help but feel bad for all you other ladies that have experienced far worse. I do know life goes on, we are battlers by nature, nothing is as strong as a mothers love and we do amazing things to preserve this.

I went to my sons first sports carnival yesterday with my husband and watched our son proudly. While i was basking in the beautiful sun, i wrote a poem which i would like to share with you;

Opportunies present themselves at any given moment
So envolved in current torment to even consider involvement

Days are passing really slow
still not sure which way to go

Those around me are unsure
How to treat an aching sore

They quickly dismiss the pain i feel
And tell me to move on, i will heal

In time i agree i will heal
But the anguish now, it is so real

Plans were made, accomodation too
Unfortunately now, it won't be seen through

Hoping in the future, things will go my way
I may carry for 9 months and celebrate a birthday

So many women are so kind
To give comforting words at a grieving time

We keep going so that we can remain
Mentally healthy so we can try again.....

A Big hug to all of you amazing women, thank you for making me feel welcome.:pray:

Special K - That is a beautiful poem. I know you will have that beautiful baby soon and when you do, it will help ease that pain you are going thru. I know when I became PG again, it eased my pain. It did not erase it, but it eased it. You will worry about your next pg, I used to be a mess. Such a stress case, and I made sure that I had several U/S to help ease my mind that things were going ok. Still, I was not going to be completely at ease until that baby had arrived.
Thankyou so much for sharing your poem. You are so welcome.....

I agree it is a beautiful poem. I wish I was able to express myself as well as you, specialk.

Just lovely.

Curl - how are you going darl?

Hi SpecialK

i am so sorry to hear of your loss its one of the sadest things a woman can go through i am still grieiving a yr on after loosing my beautiful daughter at 23 weeks i had everything planned for her and imagined holding her and her playing with my son i still think of it now that she would be walikng and how i willnever hear her first words or see her giggle i had some awful things said to me when i lost her and i am now seeing a counsellor cos i am just angry at my inlaws for saying the things they did i just cant ever forgive what they said some of the things they said, i was telling them about having pictures of my angel and her footprints and handprints they replied errrrrrrr that is morbid how insesitive she was beautiful perfect in everyway and i just feel like shoving the picture in there face they also didnt come to funeral as his mum said she couldnt go to a funeral of someone she never new at least go for my husbands sake sorry they make me so angry and they have never spoke of her when i mention her name they say who you taking abaut maybe they never new because they have never been interested. my family were so good i had all the support in the world i just wish my husband had the same from his family but my counsellor is helping me deal with the upset as i try to avoid going to see his parents so does my husband i just dont want to be around people who can be so nasty. sorry to ramble on i also wanted to say how beautiful that poem is you should be proud of it it is so true to how you feel when you loose a baby i hope you are ok and hear if you ever need to talk.

munchy xxxx

SpecialK - I'm more than happy to talk to you bout that stuff :grouphug:
Now you know why I love it here so much ;)

what a lovely poem, and so true. this community has helped me so much to get through the most difficult challenge in my life. hugs, m

Lulu2 - thanks for your interest.

I had another rollercoaster day yesterday. It started with my bleeding recomencing when I hadn't had spotting for several days I thought it was all over with, obviously the physical stuff isn't yet. The doorbell rang and there on my doorstep was my ultrasound films. I had a good cry over the pictures and my three year old handed me tissues and said 'mummy's sad, here you go'. I found the films both confusing and a comfort as I now have more tangible evidence of our boys existence. My confusion came with the notes on the bottom right of one of the pages where I saw that one of the baby's measurements was 14w4d while the others were spot on for the correct conception due date. I also received in the post all the pamphlets that sids/sands nsw sent out a couple of days previously. Reading these brought on renewed crying, again.

My husband is in the navy and left on Monday for two weeks so I haven't been able to talk to him and email is very slow on his ship. He arrived in Adelaide yesterday afternoon and called me. I told him about the ultrasound and how confused I was with the results. He called again at around 1am this morning. He was in tears. He was out with a few of the boys on the ship and it all came crashing down around him again. He cried when I caught our baby before he hit the floor and then nothing until now. He internalises things until they explode and I don't know how to help him. We spoke about trying again in a few months time, after two months of normal periods as per my doctors advice.

I've just checked the time and I have to go and get my girls ready to go out. Sorry for rambling but I have found that this is a very good form of healing, being able to write it out rather than talking.

Rant/vent type away....
What is it with inlaws? Why are they less sensitive? About a week after I lost my bubs the MIL dropped in with my preg SIL (due 3 weeks ahead of me), and started in with the 'it wasn't meant to be' stuff (oh really, well that's ok then). I went back to bed and they had the nerve to complain they weren't made to feel welcome. I since found out the MIL lost twin baby girls....I would have thought her attitude would be different.
Hopefully the Navy will look out for DH - was he given leave to be with you?

Munchy - your IL's SUCK. I'm glad you are getting outside help with your feelings - I'd probably have committed murder.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to grieve. It wouldn't matter if you had 1 child or 4 a loss of any child is horrible. Don't hang around people who have this attitude that you shouldn't be able to grieve. You have the right to grieve for as long as you want. My friend suffered death with her child when she was 12wks. She found out that her baby had down syndrome and a heart condition so they decided, with doctors blessing, to have a termination. It broke her heart because she had been trying for a year to have this child. This all happened just before christmas and then her sister told her that she was pregnant after she just had found out that Lora lost her's. There are many insensitive people out there. My friend is now pregnant again after trying for a while and had to keep it secrect because of people. Like I told her no matter if you have 3 or 4 more children you will never forget about the one that you lost. In your heart I think you will always remember it and grieve for it. Try and keep your head up and only associate with people who are going to support you not tell you it' time to get over it.

Goodluck
Jennifer

Lulu2 - my husband has some support in the navy and he was given last week off on compassionate leave. He wanted some alone time last night and one of his mates stayed nearby to make sure he was okay. Some other d***heads had been questioning him about why he had last week off but in a smartass manner and my husband said he didn't want to talk about it. To which the reply was 'grumpy old b**tard' and they left in a huff. A few of his mates that know of the situation in full then relayed the correct info to those that were being horrible as it is hard for my husband to express himself at the moment to me, let alone to those he doesn't like very much.

Lowe - Your friend must have been in utter turmoil when her SIL was having a healthy pregnancy with the problem of being sad for her own loss and having to put on a brave face and pretend happiness for her SIL. The MIL was completely insensitive but perhaps doesn't realise the impact her words had at the time.

Munchy & Lowe - My MIL constantly has foot-in-mouth-syndrome and its awful. When I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter my SIL had just had a miscarriage only a few weeks beforehand. It was very difficult for me to announce the news to her and I was an absolute chicken and made my husband tell her instead because I wasn't sure how to bring it up without seeming insensitive to her grief. On a positive side she went on to have a very healthy little girl within the next year whom we all love to bits. My SIL has been very supportive with my miscarriage and I now understand her pain and I can see the impact it had on her with it bringing all her emotions back to the forefront again. My MIL wasn't supportive of her miscarriage and said some unhelpful things at the time and now again with mine. SIL has told her to back off and not say anything to me.

My Grandmother-in-law sent me a lovely letter last week saying that she was sorry to hear of our loss and she expressed herself very well and confided that she too had a miscarriage when my FIL was only a year old. She said she 'never got over it' and for a long time wondered 'why'. She is a wonderful woman who shows great compassion to all. She has seven children, over 30 grandchildren and 9 great great grandchildren which I think is amazing.

I was able to pick a friends brains (also happens to be a midwife) and express myself properly a couple of days ago which helped tremendously and I received a lovely surprise this afternoon when we returned home and found a gift from her. The parcel contained a beautifully worded card and a little figurine of an angel. I have been looking for momentos and this is beautiful.

SpecialK
What beautiful words you have written, thank you for including us in it. This community is wonderful and I come here often for inspiration and my fix of bravery! There are some amazing women here who have been through some horrendous times but as you say we are battlers but we need a place to share our feelings and thoughts when no one on the outside gets it.
take care of you, take each day as it comes that is all we can do.

SpecialK, how are you doing? I only just noticed that you don't live too far from where I do. I hope your rollercoaster ride is starting to settle down and that this site has become a comfort zone for you as it has for me. Just reading what others have been through seems to help as I don't feel so isolated.

I was told the other day that miscarriages come in clusters. I was curious to know if anybody else had been sick recently with a cold or flu and whether they believe it was a contributing factor??? I won't have answers until 27th October (if any) about what may have gone wrong but I had been ill with cold-like symptoms since May and was given a course of antibiotics.

i lost a baby boy... 10th AUGUST 2006

it was traumatic i had people expecting me within a week to be "OVER IT" and go on a holiday. i was far from wanting to do a holiday.i lost my precious baby.

my husband and i made a memory box up. all special little things. a poem book a diary which i wrote all my feelings in after the misarriage until i was ok not needed to sob my heart out in it. to this day i still have not read what i wrote. also a stuffed toy.. 3 outfits i brought while pregant. a miscarriage chain and a few other things like ultrasound picture etc.

i also got matching tattos in memory of him on us.

it has been a year and a half since we lost him i now have a baby girl whos 3 months old. i think of him everyday. but anyoe who says get over it needs a royal kick up the jacksy.