I can't sleep. I think tonight's the night that I will able to write my story (because then it's real isn't it?) I have been an observer of these forums through my pregnancy and now through my grief and I have noticed that many mothers just want to tell their baby's story. So here's Harper's story...
6 weeks ago my life was perfect. Gorgeous husband, beautiful daughter, great job and a new little bundle of joy on the way. My first pregnancy with Madi was hassle-free, I was induced when I was a week overdue and I have had not a drama since. She is absolute perfection.
This time round I knew something was different right from the start. Even when I told my mum I was pregnant again I said "don't get too excited, I'm not feeling too good about this." I bled from 5 weeks to about 7 weeks. I had bled first time round but nothing like this. We had several tests done but everything kept moving along nicely.
Fast forward to 18 weeks: we visited our OBGYN on the Wednesday for a routine check-up. Everything was fine and we found out we were having another little girl (which is just what I wanted!) I had some concerns that I thought I was leaking fluid. Doc thought it was just from a weak bladder but did some swabs anyway.
On Sunday afternoon, at 19w1d, I was going to the toilet when I heard a pop and water came gushing out. I screamed for my husband but we thought I was just over-reacting and it was pee. After about 30 minutes of more leaking I had another big gush so we left Madi with BIL and went up to emergency. I kept saying to the dozen people that kept asking what the story was that I thought that they'd just do a test on my pad, realise I'd wet myself and send me home. But nobody had heard of this 'apparent test'. We stayed there for about 4 hours in a gyno room until a doctor that I know from school (God bless her) came into us and rang my private OBGYN for us. Within half an hour we were at the private hospital and low and behold the first thing the nurse does is test my pad for amniotic fluid. Yes, there was a bit of fluid. But only a bit. At this stage we had worked out that I was probably in hospital until the baby was born (naturally assuming everything would be ok).
Things get a bit blurry after this. Doc gives three scenarios 1) I go into labour 2) Baby dies inside me 3) The hole repairs itself and with bedrest baby could have a very slight chance of being ok. I'm wheeled down in a chair to have a scan and now I'm thinking s+++ this is serious. Scan shows that there is no fluid left. I now have 2 scenarios.
The idea of induction is brought up. I'm not sure what day it was but my priest comes to see me and we think "right what is the last decision we can make as our baby's parents." I work with special needs kids, I know what the repurcussions of complications such as this are. But she is still alive, kicking, inside me. Doc tells us she will have brain damage, lung damage, deformed limbs. How can you sit there and say there is nothing you can do when we can f'n send man to the moon?
We asked to be induced, sometime after that we are told that at we are at a Catholic Hospital so therefore can't be induced while she is still alive. And although she hadn't kicked for over 24 hours she was somehow still holding on. Then, after two nights of early labour signs, I developed an infection, my body had made that horrible decision for us. I was induced in the morning and the staff helped me move room as we were right next to the labour suite and I had heard all the little bubs being born during the 3 nights we were there.
I went into labour around lunchtime (I think) and delivered our beautiful little angel at 19 weeks and 5 days. My husband said he will never ever forget the sound that came out of my mouth. It was so bitter because I knew she had to come out but I just wanted to keep her inside me. When he could muster the strength, my husband cut the cord. She was so perfect, so beautiful. She just looked like a very little sleeping baby. My stupid body failed me and now it was playing tricks, the endorphins released after giving birth fooled me into thinking that she was ok. She even took a few breaths but died in her daddy's hands. She was just waiting to meet him I think.
We held her for about 7 hours. My mum came to see her and our priest Christened her. While he was still there I lay her in the little crib and tucked her in for the first and last time. My baby was gone.
Goodbye my precious child. Please stay with me. I look forward to the day that I can hold you and kiss you again.
Harper Grace
Nurtured for months, held for moments, loved forever.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Last edited by Nic83; September 19th, 2008 at 02:13 PM.
Oh honey i am so sorry for your loss you have found a place where you can heal amongst friends take care of your self :hugs: Rest in peace beautiful Harper Grace
Im sitting here in tears knowing our little angels are playing in heaven. Thanks for sharing your story I hope it has helped you because I know it has helped me!
i am also very sorry for your loss. i have tried to contact you via emailing (using this site) but i'm new to this game and have not been able to work it out yet.
just wanted to let you know that our little 'harper grace' is due on 6 December and i am sure that i'll be thinking about you and your little one's precious resting soul at that time.
the name we have chosen will mean so much more to me knowing about your story.
sending you many peaceful thoughts and smiles.
Harper Grace (sorry it's long)
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i'm so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing Harper Grace with us in this way.
I am so sorry for your loss...
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