Yes I've been there. I've been angry that I have to go through it. I've been devestated that I have that horrible black dog chasing me around everywhere I go, and to top it off... a child with "issues". I've felt horribly guilty that I've done something that can cause what is going on. It was all my fault.

What happened to us... well... Matilda got very very sick. On top of everything else, she got viral meningitis, and two weeks out of hospital, she got a kidney infection. I watched her have a seizure. I guess that is what did it. I suddenly wanted to fight for her life above my own. Then because of our time in hospital, the doctors recognised the signs of autism in her. Even through June which was a very dark time in our house. M was screaming for hours a day, we had to hold her down to not attack us or DD2, she was jumping out windows trying to run away, we found out she has kidney damage, I crashed the car.... I spent hours crying. Then in July we got a diagnosis for her, not that it made it easier on her, but for me. I changed my thinking again, and instead of why is this happening to me and this is so hard to... this poor child. What she has to go through to get through a day. I just wanted to make it easier on her.

She has improved dramatically, she had surgery in December on her bladder and her temperment is much better. We've put hard work in and had very dark times... my depression doesn't help things and sometimes I wish that at least if I was okay than it would have been easier on all of us...

I guess its most easy for me when I put myself in her shoes and how she is feeling.