What can I do to help my friend who's DS was just diagnosed with autism?

[Moi]

First of all I've read Maz's post Standing on the outside looking in...our life with autism and it's very similar to what my friend has/is going through. From very early on her son would scream and scream and scream, which she hid from everyone for such a long time. Then everything seemed to be getting better but she obviously knew something was different about her son, so she had him tested for autism at 17 months. He's now 18 months. Now she's running around going from OTs to speech patholgists etc etc and is extremely busy taking care of him but she's not looking after herself. I am worried about her health and well being because she's extremely stressed, grieving and feels guilty.

I am there for her and listen to her, but she keeps cancelling our get togethers, so I very rarely see her now and I know she has shut herself off from others too. She's not the type of person to talk about her problems or to ask for help. I think she feels like it's all her problem to bear.

Is there anything at all I can do to help her?

TIA

[christy]

I lost a lot of friends when Matilda was a baby/toddler. It was awful. I think just continue to try to get together, offer her easy options for her... i.e. go to her house...

Sometimes outings or visitors are just impossible. It will mean 24 hours of screaming afterwards and sometimes thats not mentally possible, so be understanding and offer a phone call.... a night out after the kids are asleep... Something like that.

My weeks are spent with 2 appointments and running around, I don't get "time off" most weeks. So I would suggest you get her partner on board for a night out, here or there that aren't too taxing. When I'm in the thick of things, I often can't put a sentance together, I'm that brain dead.

Read some books about it. Ask her what books have helped her and ask if you can read them. If you understand it, you are a valuable friend.

[Moi]

Thanks Christy. What you said was very helpful. Are there any books you can recommend? I actually do have some experience with children with autism (I've taught kids who were within the autism spectrum) but I have no idea what it's like from a parents perspective.

I forgot to add that her DH isn't very helpful when it comes to their DS. My friend does everything for their DS and around the home. So it'd be hard to get him to mine their DS while we went out. I might try suggesting that though and maybe he will do it. I think my friend also finds it hard to see my DD so a girls night sounds like something that she might enjoy.

[murraysmum]

i went the polar oppistate i went off the rails big time i couldnt cope so i turned to alchol ect it took some of my bestest mates to snap me back to reality and help me find the help needed

just stick in there offer her all your support even if she dosent turn up to a meet maybe take her frozen meals offer to help her out with housework

ive lost count the amounts of im so sorry ur kid has autsism i dont need to be felt sorry for i want support i want understanding and most of all adult convo

i hope that she will one day let you in cause thats the first step to healing

[maz]

Give her a call and just ask how she is. Send her a card to let her know how much of a friend she is to you... ring her hubby and ask him if you can arrange a 'date' for you and her to give her some respite. WHen she talks..let her talk and listen....I often felt quiet brushed of when I spoke about WIlhelm

sorry just had to put that down before i forgot.

thank you for reading my story and takign the time to think ofyour friend. The entire reason behind me writing it was for those who dont understand to see what its like for us. Your an extremely special friend for wanting to be there for her and not wnating to push her away. I lost many friends like Christy due to lack of understanding on their behalf.

can you be my friend

[~Saram~]

Hang in there and keep offering. a few things from my perspective - yep outings are a no go here, it's no fun cause I can't relax so I stopped going. Also people coming to my house - sometimes good and sometimes not. If she is stressed and her house isn't perfect it might cause more stress. Also for a long time there... I hate to say it but I was embarrassed for DS. Also I still won't allow anyone else to look after DS while I go out. DH has just gotten up the confidence to look after him without making me feel like a piece of poop when I get home.

Stay in touch, text, emails etc. I love these as I can deal with them when I get some peace. I hate phone calls as DS talks incessently and just follows me around talk talk talking and I can't concentrate.

[Moi]

Thanks. These posts are very helpful for me.

~Saram~ - Yes every time I call her I can hear her son in the background. I can imagine it must make it very hard for her to concentrate on what I am saying. I have learnt to text her and ask when's a good time to call before calling.

maz - Thanks for the kind words. And for the advice. I think I do try and offer her advice sometimes instead of listening. I'll have to try and bite my tongue!

murraysmum - I guess it's still very early days for her. I do hope she lets me and others in eventually.

Because of all your advice I am in the process of organising a night out to dinner and movies. And she has said she'll come. I thought she could do with a night off and thankfully her husband has said he'll look after their DS. So fingers crossed she makes it out. If not I'll just keep trying other times.