Maz, I am so glad you are sharing this, I really hope it helps you to process it all. I'm going to have to stop reading it at work though, I have tears streaming down my face already!
Finally..I could put my darling little man in his bassinet which I placed so lovingly in our bedroom so I could always have him close. He had his own room but I just wasn't comfortable leaving him in there by himself. All the other kids went in their own rooms by day 2 but not with Mateauz. He stayed near me.
He would often wake at 3 or 4am for a feed so I'd bring him into bed and Id end up going to sleep, on my side with him on my boob. Id be woken again at 7 by my little man latching on and feeding again. I'll never forget those moments.
Mateauz proved to sleep alot and feed every 3 hours. When he was awake he cried and cired...I just couldnt settle him and put it down to me being over tired.
We had a health nurses appointment on the wednesday before it all happened. I was really worried that I couldnt see mateauz soft spot anymore adn that he looked puffy....
ah nothing to worry about...his fontenal is there...i can feel it
hmmmm that doubt knot was back in my tummy...its just wasnt right. She also tried to get me to top up with formula as he was under 3 kg still although he was putting on 90grams a week....it wasnt enough...you can imagine what I told her about her formula cant you
Sammi came up with Trev on the friday and spent a few hours with us. I was worried casue mateauz seemed very blue still...I was forever putting warm clothes on him and Sammi noticed how blue he was aswell. And the crying...it use to break my heart (I still cant bare him crying)
Sunday afternoon I went over to our neighbour who is 80+ to introduce him to her...he wasnt happy and I had that funny feelign again so said I have to go.
I tried feeding him at 9 that night and he was really funny....turning his head and crying again. At midnight I got up and at 2 I said to Jed I need a break...he just wont feed and he keeps turning his head. I made Jed watch and mateauz left arm and leg twitched when his head rolled to the left.
I was so over tired so he'd said get 1/2 sleep and we'll see if he gets better. 5 mins later jed was in flinging the phone at me to ring the emergency department.
I explained to them what was giong on and she said he was suffering seizures...strokes and that an ambulance was on its was......
Those 10 mins waiting for the ambo's were one of the most slowest of my life....even slower were the 5 mins to the hospital were mateauz seizuered all the way there. These ones were worse...it was like watching a movie were they use a plastic doll as the 'baby' and do silly stuff with it. He was my little guy....almost lifeless, blue and fitting.
You'll have to wait for my next post.....speak of the devil...he's awake
You're making me cry. The first seizure DD had was at 13months and while it was the scariest experience in my life to that date (she has given me a bigger scare since) I can only imagine just how much more horrifying it would be to watch a newborn in the middle of a fit.
It's wonderful that you have the strenght to share this with the rest of us. Thank you, it really does help.
I'm not a terribly emotional person, but as soon as you were talking about missing your other kids while in hossy with Mat - I began to cry and I'm still bawling like a goose!
I suddenly feel very VERY blessed to have never had that scary 'will my son live' moment. In comparison, I barely had a ripple in the road compared to your rollercoaster. Thank you for putting life in perspective.
I hope you'll share this story with the Breastfeeding association as it is so well written they may like to put it in their magazine so you can inspire even more mothers and nursing staff.
Words can't describe the awe I feel for your journey and how determined you've been. Not even to do the best for your kids, but to do this post.
I sat in my brothers car feeling overtired, numb and like I was in a tv commerical. My brother was trying to be chatty (as he does when he's nervous) and I was a silent cold fish. All I could do was look out the window, staring into the sky behind us to see if I would see a glimps of the airplane that was taking my baby boy to the Mercy.
So much had happened the in the last 12 hours. I remember sitting in the gutter out the front of the emergency department, ringing Sam and baaling my eyes out. Dont ask me what i said...I just remember how calming her voice was and how it felt like a warm light compared to the cold I was feeling.
Yes...today one year ago our lives changed for ever. My beautiful baby boy was about to go through the most horendous time of his life and I couldnt stop the landslide coming.
The friday before hand Sammi and Trev (along with Caleb) came up to our place. Sammi took the most beautiful photo's of my little man....I never realised how much those pics would mean to me until after the dust had settled. I look at those pics and wondered how much pain he was suffering on that day. He was crying so much and I kept saying to Sammi...look at how blue he looks....Im pretty sure that you can see how blue he was in some of the pics. I also worry that I made him upset when taking the pics. But there's only so much cotton wool in the world isnt there.
So this morning I was in the lounge and in bounds my little red head...He didnt see me at first...I just whispered his name...Mateauz...and he instantly turned around and ran for me with his arms out and his big cheese eating grin on his devine face.
Today's the day I will reflect on the last year.....I'll thank who ever I can in my mind for the comfort, the support and love that we had over the last 12 months.
Thank my hubby for being not only a pain in the butt but for being my strength and tower of support.
Thank my gorgeous Nikolaus who has not only had to deal with an autistic brother but now a baby with so many different needs that he puts his own aside and helps when he can. Thank him for putting up with a maniac mother who flips at the worst times and yet he still says nothing. Thank him for his love and his midnight cuddles and thank him for being so patient to us all.
Thank my devilish Wilhem who loves his 'little guy' to pieces and tried his best to be patient with him. Thank him for being as beautiful in nature as his daddy is and for reminding his big brother what a pain he can be.
Thank my darling little Vyolett who chases 'teauz' and gets what he wants...showers him with kisses and comes and gives her 'mama' a cuddle when she is crying. Thank her for being a mini me..in so many ways and for making my life interesting on so many levels.
And thank you to my little Mateauz. My little miracle...you were the only baby we didnt intentional 'plan' you were our surprise baby who has bought so many positives into our home and hearts. Yourve taught me to be patient...to see things on the flip side.....to see the bigger picture....to strive for the impossible..to believe in myself. Although your only a year old...you have given me so much more then you have realised.
I live for your smile, your hugs,the sound of your voice......the feel of you. If I had to relive the last 18 months, as hard, as scarey and as life threatening as they were, I wouldn't change a thing.
I love you sunshine boy.......more then words can say.
Oh hun, you've come such long way on this journey. You've grown stronger and so has the rest of the family. He is a miracle in more ways than one and hes so lucky to have so much love around him..
Enjoy today and reflect on the good times xoxoxoxox
oh Maz, that is just beautiful. Today must be such an emotional day for you. Remember we are all thinking of you.
And I want to say also that Sammi, you are such a wonderful, caring person. Maz speaks so highly of you. I am so glad you two have each other
I hope one day you give this to the kids to read when they're older and can understand it. I'm sure they know how you feel towards them, but if there is ever any doubt, this will put their mind at ease. You are such a brilliant mother, you should be very proud.
Now go give each and every one of them a big kiss and cuddle!
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