The MRI's

The first MRI showed significant damage to the left hand side of Mateauz lower brain. There were clots still 'floating' around in that section but the main clot that had the doctors worried was the extremely large on in his Vein of Gaelen..the main artery to the brain. This appartently was extemely rare....typical...friggen Murphys laws.

I had seen so many specialists......Nuro Surgeons...physio's, speechies you name it...all of who I had to repeat our story time and time again. I really wished I had a little tape record so i could have just pressed the replay button. I got so sick of hearing my own voice in the end. And everytime without fail...everytime they had to prod him like a cow...roll him over...check his reflexes. I just wanted to pick him up and come home...run away from these lies of sickness and lies of brain damage. All I kept getting told was the bad things...were was my rainbow...were was the sunshine after the storm?

We had 4 days of waiting from one MRI to the next. We had to give the clot time to see if the medications were stopping the growth of the clot or if it infact was increasing in size. 4 days of living on a knife edge emotion wise. 4 days of total blank and information overload!

It was in these 4 days that I found a computer and managed to log onto the net and start researching. I wasnt going to let this be the bee's all and end's all. No way! It was also the time when I could get on here...Belly belly...my friends and let everyone know how were we or weren't going.....I often sat at that lone computer at 12am at night to read of happy stories of everyone lives...i didnt post..I just read how well everyone was doing and it gave me the strength to keep going..the motivation to put one foot infront of the other.

I looked forward to family visit's..to my closest friends coming in to see me..not that I really remember much of it. I couldnt look at Sammi without crying the first time...I honestly dont know how she and Melbel sat there with me the way I was. I had no thoughts...no mind nothing. God, I didnt even have any dame clothes until Melbel bought me a bag full. I would have been lost completely with out those 2 girls.

The head honcho Nuro came and saw me..along with the team. she sat me down while they fussed about with Mateauz and said that we would more then likely be going to another hospital to have a wire inserted into the main vein in Mateauz leg that would lead to the clot in his brain and hopefully shatter the clot...BUT it came with risks....even more permanent brain damage. What the hell are you suppose to think when someone tells you that?

Lets just use your baby as a pin cushion shall we?

how does **** off sound?

If the clot was still grown then we had another heart breaking discission to make...give Mateauz a special drug that would give him a 60% chanch of death or allow the clot to grow until it exploded and him die painfully anyway?
How the hell could I process something like that with Jed let alone by myself in a matter of 2 hours???? I rang Jed so upset and said I just wanted to bring him home...if he was going to die then I would prefer just to bring him home and let him die around his family with no wires, no machines...just love from us all. It was so hard to do this alone..my screams echoed around in my head and my tears were held in the back of my throat.

I couldnt handle the testing anymore....I told them to stop until after the MRI was done. Thankfully they understood. I just couldnt hurt my baby anymore...he'd been through enough already and was only so little. Yet when he heard my voice his eyes opened and looked right at me..there was a sparkle, recognision.....a bond that only mother and child can carry. Everytime he looked at me...I tried with all my might to send positive vibes through to him...fighting vibes. I prayed all the time, prayed that my sunshine would live and prove them wrong.

I would walk through that hospital and see so many sick kids in there...kids that were grey with sickness, bald due to chemo, limbs missing yet they all had smiles on their faces. There was someone always worse of then us....yet they didnt let their illness effect them. These kids gave me the strength to continue and push to get the answers.

I spoke to one of the Nuro Surgeons about the dead brain cells that Mateauz had. She said that as Mateauz was so young that other parts of the brain would carry on parts of the work of the dead cells. This on its own switched a light on in my head. I went away and googled...everything that I could...its at this time that I read research that suggested that breast milk carries stem cells...AHHH ha another light bulb moment. I poshed even harder to breast feed then. I started massaging Mateauz everytime I saw him. For hours on end, I stood there, storking his legs, his back, his face just to get the circulation going. For hours on end I would either hum or sing

Sing....sing a song...sing it loud....sing it strong

Dont worry if your not good enough - for anyone else to hear

Just sing....sing a song

His first smile was when I was massaging him and as i started the first bars he smiled.....**** my son knew it was me!!! I felt like screaming WOOOO HOOOO but just did a happy dance inside.

MRI day came...I sat in the waiting room on the phone to Jed crying. Im not a very patient person...I need order and routine (hmmm bit spectrum like isnt it lol) so this waiting game was driving me insane. Ive still got the dame ear muff's they put on him in the tunnel you know...and I cant bring myself to look at them yet. Maybe one day after I print this all off for him I can but for now...no way.

So the waiting day for the results began....had the clot grown at all or was it still the same size...........