Having a sick child is going to be the thing that undermines the confidence of even the most confident mother. But you have to know that you did not cause this situation - but that you are responding to your little one's needs in the most loving and attuned way. Children with allergies and intolerances are high needs kids. They are often slow to gain weight - and there is a high correlation between reflux and allergies - they are on the same spectrum. The good news is that largely children will grow out of these things. Allergies and intolerances are partly due to genetics (you can't do anything about that) and partly due to environmental factors we don't yet understand (can't do anything about that either)
My best advice - don't make it into a food fight. Help guide your little one - model my eating the same food as you are giving her. Keep meals fun and social. You are doing a great job with her
Another thought (Pie loves spag bol too).. and while as adults we like heaps of variety, I don't think it hurts if they have the same thing three times a weel, lol. Maybe you could freeze portions of the things she does like, and serve those up often.
Also broccoli is high in iron, and was one of Pie's first foods, she absolutely loved it, chunks of steak to chew & suck on as well.
Sounds incredibly frustrating and stressful. I completely understand what you mean when you say somehow you have found yourself doing things you never wanted to do and don't believe in, I went through that too with DD1 but for a different issue.
Some things that popped into my head when I read your post was that there are many good ways to get iron into the body that don't involve meat! Maybe you could speak to a dietitian or nutritionist for help. I like Fleur's suggestions of something like broccoli or some meat to suck on. A "meat with handle" lamb cutlet is a favourite here where DD2 just sucks the meat juices and theoretically gets a good dose of meat juice/iron. Again, as Fleur mentioned in a previous post, there is evidence that the body is better able to absorb iron when it is eaten with vitamin C, but rather than using a multi vitamin, try serving a food high in vit c with a meal. Serving an iron source you know your DD will be more fond of with something like tomato, red pepper, kiwi fruit etc might take the pressure off in your mind. Another food high in iron attractive to children are dried apricots. You just might need to watch the sulphites in them if your DD has an intolerance. Most people are fine with sulphites but some people are sensitive and need to avoid them.
With regards to food choices, again, I like Fleur's thoughts that it doesn't hurt them to have the same thing a lot. I absolutely go with what the children want here even if it is banana, three meals a day for a week . I just figure as long as it is healthy and they want it, they must need it. It must be a whole lot harder when you are looking at weight gain though to keep this in mind. I can only imagine. Barb's advice that intolerances and allergies can be linked with slow weight gain shows you are not alone in what you experience and again, maybe a dietitian (a specialist) could offer some advice and assurance.
Other ideas for interest, at your DDs age I used a bento box idea with DD1, putting a few choices in something like an egg carton, a (plastic) take away coffee tray or a real bento tray. She loved the little compartments and happily worked her way through them. That way I could present a 'balanced' meal and let her guide me to what she was needing. (I will be implementing this again once DD2 gets over being more interested in the underside of her plate... )
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. I just figure as long as it is healthy and they want it, they must need it. It must be a whole lot harder when you are looking at weight gain though to keep this in mind. I can only imagine. Barb's advice that intolerances and allergies can be linked with slow weight gain shows you are not alone in what you experience and again, maybe a dietitian (a specialist) could offer some advice and assurance. 
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