Thanks so much for your replies everyone, it really helps to know what others are doing. I think I need to try a bit harder to keep calm myself!
I will 'try' not to let the vomiting get to me I like the idea of telling her that mummy needs some cool down time when it gets really bad! Most of her tanties are controlling to get what she wants and most of the time distraction does work. I thought I was explaining myself but obviously not thoughoughly enough?? Will have to try to do even more explaining I think....in toddler terms as mentioned so not saying in a minute but when I've done such n such. I do do that when bribing jer to do something ie eat this last bit & we'll go outside but I feel now that I've failed to explain myself like that when talking to her about other things, ie, when mummy finishes dinner we'll go outside.....I've been saying 'in a minute'...now feel bad Also like the advice of telling her beforehand what I'd like her to do or what I'd expect, sit in the pram etc....will try to be way more tolerant, calm, and explain things heaps better! I don't want to go down the smacking path either but can see DP is heading that way as he thinks it'll work?? If I can try to make it easier maybe we can avoid the smacking??? Thanks again for all the advice and good luck to all of you with your toddlers!!
Don't feel bad - we are all just learning and just like our kids, we make mistakes. It is also important to remember that we do a lot of good things for our kids as well. One of the most beautiful things about toddlers is their ability to love us despite all our imperfections ... they are very forgiving and very trusting.
I think you are doing a great job from what you have written. Dealing with tantrums is tough and all parents have moments that they are not so proud of, but it is all part of us learning too.
I hope some of those strategies work for you. They aren't quick fixes but they will make a difference in the long run. Good luck!
We're at a similar age and stage too, and its the public tantrums that I find hard - especially when you get dirty looks from people, and alot of the times, its oler women, who for the most part, would have had kids doing the same thing in the past
DD's tantrums also tend to be when she doesn't get her own way or its time to stop whatever we were doing, so for example, we were outside earlier and I was pushing her up and down on her trike, but needed to go in for the toilet (damn pg bladder ), so I told her that it would be her last lap of the garden and then we were going to go in for a drink and a wee, but when I came to undo her and help her down, she cracked it so I just carried her inside under my arm and left her to while i went to the toilet. she calmed down quickly enough this time luckily!
But I'm not sure I hndle them the best in public - we went to Ikea, and DD was happily walking along - we got to the bed section and she wanted to pat each bed with her hand - she realised that we had missed a few beds and she wanted to go back, but I said that we needed to keep walking the way we were going because thats the way the arrows were pointed and that there was more to play with round the corner - she didn't like that so out came the tantrum - I scooped her up and carried her till she calmed down - getting some looks on the way. But we then had another tantrum when it was the last turn on the slide, or with the train track they have set up in the kids section - there are some things that she would just go on and on and on palying with, so I have to drag her away. Again, with this I give her a warning that it was the last slide or the last minute of playing with the trains, and then its time to go. But we still always end up having a tantrum and I have to carry her off kicking and screaming. Is there a better way of dealing with this in public? I don't want to give in to her, and like I said, I think if I gave her the chance, we'd still be there at closing time!
Tantrums in public are awful and I don't think there is any perfect way of dealing with them. I usually try distraction (ignoring is not always possible in public because I don't think it is safe to walk away from my child - if they are in the pram, strapped in and safe then I do ignore for a little bit and just keep shopping) because there are lots of things to look at and distraction can be easier in public (sometimes). If distracting fails and they persist, I remind them that they need to stay calm and use their words if they want something. Sometimes this works. If tantrums persist, I pick them up and take them out.
I usually take my double pram into shops with me although DD does walk. If she cracks up or refuses to co-operate, I put her in the pram and tell her when she is calm we can talk about it and she can come out. If she goes into the pram a second time, she stays in there for the rest of the shopping trip. She can still be screaming for a bit, but I have been doing this with prams and trolleys since she was small and find that it didn't take long for the length of her tantruming to decrease if I just ignored her. Within a few weeks of starting it, her tantrums and screaming were lasting less than 30 secs.
DS is a different kid and has tantrums about different things when we are out. Usually because I take him away from something while he is looking at it. I do what you did and warn him that we have to keep moving so finish having a look. I then get him to say goodbye to whatever we are looking at. Sometimes he flatly refuses and I say goodbye for him "Bye trains ... see you next time" and keep my tone light but definite.
There is a lot that you can teach your kids by your tone - if you tone goes upwards at the end of a sentence 'Time to go' - it sounds like a question. If your tone goes down it sounds like a statement. Try it outloud. If you are accidentally sending messages in your tone like you are asking a question, your toddler interprets it as a choice. If you say it more like a statement it sound more definitive and I find they are more likely to follow even if they don't want to.
Other strategies are with your instructions saying 'thanks' or 'thank-you' at the end rather than 'please'. Please can also sound like a question though there is something about being thanked in anticipation where we sub-consciously feel that we should do what has been said.
If you are leaving something like the trains and she doesn't want to go, you could also try asking a question about what you are doing next as a distraction. Questions get them thinking. I usually say 'Do you know where we are going now?' or 'Mummy needs to find ... can you help me? Can you see ... anywhere? Hmm ...' I find this kind of dialouge really useful in distracting them. Having a conversation with myself until they are engaged can be really useful.
I know totally what you mean about people looking at you when your kids throw tantrums. It is not nice, but I try not to let them get to me. I find it very amusing that if my DH takes our kids out and they throw tantrums, he get lots and lots of sympathy and understanding from people, where I get comments and rude remarks because I am not controlling my kids. Apparently when men take kids out by themselves, they are really overexerting themselves and people are very obliging, when women do it, we are just fulfilling our obligations. It is a big generalisation to say that, and it is not true of everyone, but I think that a large part of our society think like that on some level (even if it is subconciously).
I hope your DD's tantrums settle down soon - it would make going out a lot less stressful.
Also like the advice of telling her beforehand what I'd like her to do or what I'd expect, sit in the pram etc....will try to be way more tolerant, calm, and explain things heaps better! I don't want to go down the smacking path either but can see DP is heading that way as he thinks it'll work?? If I can try to make it easier maybe we can avoid the smacking??? Thanks again for all the advice and good luck to all of you with your toddlers!!
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), so I told her that it would be her last lap of the garden and then we were going to go in for a drink and a wee, but when I came to undo her and help her down, she cracked it so I just carried her inside under my arm and left her to while i went to the toilet. she calmed down quickly enough this time luckily!
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