How not to feel so lonely as a SAHM?

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

I am increasingly feeling more lonely. I have tried the Mothers group option and I didn't seem to have anything in common with the mum's in it from my area. I ended up sitting there feeling more lonely.

What have you done to make yourself feel less lonely? None of my friends have babies. When I do meet up with someone I would like to talk about something other than babies for at least part of the time. My little one is nearly 10 months and I feel like I have been in isolation since he was born. Please help!

[mickyndan]

Oh, hugs to you. It's hard isn't it, I find that I get more bored than lonely but a lot of my friends have kids now too, mind you I was the first to have them so I do understand. I have actually found that you can meet people on this website. I am actually meeting a lady that I found on this website and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow... I have never met her or even really spoken to her on here but found out that we only live suburbs away. Where do you live?

Do you go out with your little one a lot - just to get out of the house. Maybe go to a playcentre cafe where they can have a play and you can have a coffee - you might meet some people there as well.

Good luck and if you are anywhere near me I would be happy to meet you for a coffee...

xxoo

[Buffykaz]

I feel for you. I was the same after my DS was born, and I can understand where you are coming from.
Although it may not be an option for you, I went back to work when my DS was nine months old just so I could use my "non-mum" brain again and think about something other than babies, nappies, feeding etc :-) If you do not want to go back to work, perhaps you could look at doing some volunteer work in your area when you can talk to people about things other than babies, or start a business from home. You might like to take a short course at you local TAFE just to get out of the house a few hours a week, or take up a hobby that is nowhere near baby-related like tennis or lawn bowls. HTH.

[Daydream Believer]

Im not a SAHM yet but I only work 2 days a week & dont have any friends in the area or friends that have week days off.
I go to the market once a week with MIL & SIL, if you have a hobby join a class, (some community centres offer cheap/free classes) and if you ask you could probly take the kidlet/s. Book clubs?

That failing add everyone from BB on msn and sit on the net all day!

I dont know if this helps or not, good luck with everything

[Ginger]

whereabouts do you live sweetpea? maybe you could come to a bb meet up in your area?

[mazzie]

I was having the same problem, so I made sure I got out of the house each day. Went to the library, went to the shopping centre (even if I was only buying one thing) made an effort to go to meetups on a couple of baby forums and I have found a new friend that lives only a suburb away from me. We had coffee yesterday!
I am also going to start going to a class (maybe kickboxing!) which will help me get fit, get me away from Tia (as bad as that sounds ) and give DF some time with her.
I know it's hard, but you just need to make the effort. ( And I do have days where I sit in my daggies all day at home )

[chrysalis]

Hi there sweetpeajan,

Even before I had my babe I was worried about feeling the same as you about isolation in this new job!

I too was the first one in my main friendship group to have a babe, my parents and parents in law all work full time and I don't get on particularly well with my sibling and sibling in law. I previously worked full time in a very social job. My mum has been very open about hating being at home with my brother and me due to the isolation she experienced!

For those reasons I spent quite a bit of time chatting to a counsellor about this before I had my little fella as I was very worried about the effect of isolation on me. My hobbies are pretty not young child friendly (cycling, golf, going to concerts that kind of thing).

My counsellor's advice was just to keep on trying to get out there into different forums to meet people.

Whilst it was hard work I just had to keep on putting myself out there. In most cases my little boy has been the initial talking point/thing in common which I have used to lever myself into new situations.

It has been a bit hit and miss but I am feeling happy that after 6 or so months I am finally getting somewhere.

My experience has included:

* I have met a couple of girls on BB - unfortunately one of the lovelies I met lives very far away so we keep in contact online playing scrabulous however I still meet one lovely mum who lives locally at least once a fortnight for a walk and a talk and a coffee! We email and talk to each other regularly! I feel like I really hit paydirt with her as we share similar values, have boys a similar age and we get on very well in general outside of our mummy jobs.

* Whilst working full time I did not have an awareness of the mums of young children in our local neighbourhood, however since being at home I have pounded the pavement at school/kinder hours to get my face out there and have met 2 girls with babes a similar age to my little guy, we have coffee or walk at least once a week! I engaged in pretty odd behaviour including dropping a note in one of my neighbour's letter boxes asking her over for coffee, behaviour which is so bold and NOT me but which has paid off dividends, we go walking to different local parks, have picnics and coffee at least once a week.

* I nearly gave up on my mother's group after a few months feeling the same way as you do but after talking to my MCHN I perservered. She gave me great advice, in the initial stages, everyone is feeling the same as you do (lonely, tired, still finding their way as mums, worried what people think about prams, clothes, feeding made worse because noone actually talks about how they feel) things seem so competitive, it takes between 3 - 9 months for people to really start to get one another aside from their babes.
Its funny in recent weeks a couple of the girls in my group have professed to feeling the same way (ie wanting to quit) but being glad they too persevered.

Would you consider approaching your MCHN and seeing whether you could be placed in another mum's group if there is noone you gelled with at your previous group?

* I volunteered to help out with our local Neighbourhood Watch newsletter. Daggy I know. I am naturally a Mrs Mangel at heart! I have met another likeminded mum who lives in my street. I have met some lovely older locals who I see almost daily when walking the streets or in my garden, its great just to be able to say hello and have a 5 min chat. I know my house is being kept an eye on and have a couple of new & willing babysitters!

* I have scrimped and saved and joined the local gym. I try to go a couple of times during the week during the day, lots of other mums go we all say hi and I feel there is some potential there too. And I feel better for the exercise those lovely endorphins are great.

If your financial position allows would you consider attending playgroup or music lessons or gymbaroo with your little one -whilst these are child friendly activities they too may give you the foot in to find a likeminded parent friend?

It is hard. I have realised that I had become somewhat complacent in merely maintaining my friendships rather than actively seeking out new ones. I felt like it was being back at school again trying to make friends etc. But I feel that by trying different things (which can be hard work to start with) the dividends are finally and slowly paying out.

Anyway, I wish you well, be brave and keep at it -if you are happy to disclose your whereabouts we would be happy to meet you!

Cheerio
Belinda.

[Hollybolly]

Some of the girls here have suggested a few really good ideas - I just tried to get myself out of the house at least a few times during the week.

Another thing you could try which worked for me and I'm still going strong 9 yrs later is a book club.

Contact your local Dymocks (or library, etc) - I joined up and we meet once a month for coffee and pick a book - next month we discuss it, pick another one, etc etc.

Ours is run through our local Dymocks and so we buy the book through them with a really good discount - some of the ladies have tight budgets, so they just borrow them from the library or read one of ours... so really, the most it has to cost is the $3 for a coffee once a month!

I found it refreshing to sit and talk about something other than babies and it felt like I was challenging myself a little intellectually again ... and our group ages range from 26 - 70!!!

Theres 6 of us in our group - I'm in three groups now (I'm a big reader )... and have formed some nice friendships over the years with people I wouldn't have met otherwise


Good Luck hun xxx

[Mollygirl]

Jan
I agree it is really hard. I have two kids now so even harder to go to the shops to get out of the house. I am looking forward to going back to work - I get bored doing housework, feeding etc and the girl I really clicked with at mother's group with my first is now in Brisbane.

I now go to a playgroup once a week, we only have to bring a piece of fruit and whilst I haven't clicked with anyone, I always find someone to sit and talk to about their kids or mine.

If you want to indicate which state you are in you might be pleasantly surprised to meet some BB members.

Unfortunately we don't click with everyone we meet. I hope you can try some of the suggestions, and just start talking about kids you might find some nice people who you do click with.

Hang in there and let us know how you go. And remember you aren't the only one feeling that way.

[mbear]

Hi, i am a SAHM with three little girls.....my husband is a firefighter, so works shift works - works 2 days 2 nights, 4 days off. I am beside myself when he is at work on those two days - so i really feel for you having to go thru the whole week !!!!. DH has a 2nd job (motorbike business - which allows me to stay at home ), so whilst he is at home in the garage, he is busy.
Mothers group nor playgroup were for me either....i found if i know what im doing week to week, the boredom passes....(although for me, its not boredom, its having adult convos....!!!)
Monday - swimming + our day out with my mum
Tuesday - housework day....kids play outside - paint, trampoline, get messy
Wednesady - kindy day, shopping day
Thursday - day at home
Friday - kindy day, shopping/coffee meet up day


I would seriously suggest gym membership..or......do you play indoor netball, a lot of centres these days also have childminding facilities.....?

[Jo+3]

It's hard adjusting to being at home with a little one. I found the same thing with my mothers group, that I had nothing in common with them. You really have to push yourself to get out of the house once a day. Is there at least one mum in the group that you warm to and maybe could arrange to meet up for a coffee? Most people feel the same as you. Go to the park or playcentre where mums and bubs hang out. I met a lovely woman in the supermarket one day and have been friends with her for five years now, our kids are the same age. I found that to make new friends I really had to put myself out there and initiate friendships. Also try and do something for yourself like the gym or studying. Happy mum means happy family. Good luck, it gets easier.

[C~Q]

I second going to the gym. Most have Creche's and it's a great way to meet other Mums AND people with no kids. I know what you mean about not wanting to talk kids and babies constantly and sometimes it's hard to find other Mums that don't want to talk about their little darlings constantly lol!

[KatieRabbit]

Belinda/bb77: That was a really nice post that made me feel heaps better and it wasn't even my thread!
And thanks sweetpeajan for your question- I am wondering the same and appreciate all the replies.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I completely relate. I dont have transport so I feel totally straightjacketed (public transport is horrible around here). I don't have any advice though, but I do understand how you feel.

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Thanks ladies for all of your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I think it's a shame that women can't connect better at mother's groups etc when so many of us are so lonely. I've often wondered why that is? I'm thinking of joining a playgroup in my area and trying again. I didn't realise BB had member meetups, that sounds great. I am from Sydney South. Anyone near me? I'm thinking about joining a gym nearby. The book club idea sounds great too. How many books do you have to read in a month to participate? I think I'd be able to finish just one with some hope! Just have something on the horizon would be a big relief and not feel like I am stuck in groundhog day again and again and again.

[Daydream Believer]

Depends on which book club you join. Some are one book a month, others are more or less.

[BeautifulMadness]

it can be hard, i still keep in touch with some ladies who were in my antenal class with me so that helps we meet maybe once a month it we have time to spare. im thinking of joining our local playgroup but gotta find the money....also another good suggestion is try you';re local library sometiems they have story time etc

[chrysalis]

Jan There have been some really great suggestions here.
I just thought I would drop another few cents worth, yesterday, after 4 or so months of mums group I got a call from one of the mums in my group to go and have a coffee, totally random, never happened before, we have not really spoken much, anyway we spent a couple of hours walking and talking about things mostly entirely unrelated to the bubs and discovered we have quite a lot in common! She interestingly commented that she had been lonely but very shy about contributing at the group as she found the whole group situation very overwhelming.
So you are not alone. Keep at it.
And most importantly good on you and THANK YOU for being open and verbalising what so many of us are/have been thinking! It is very nice to realise that feeling this way is normal. Your post has given rise to some great discussion - women helping women - YEAH!
Good luck!