Can you teach a toddler to play on their own?

[amberj]

My DS (18 months) is exceptionally bad at playing on his own. He always wants to involve DH or I, and constantly wants to be held and participating in what we are doing. He will ocassionally play on his own for a while when both DH and I are at home.

Now, I know he is still very young and to a large extent, his behaviour is perfectly normal and in fact a positive- its lovely he wants to socialise and learn so much with us. But it is very, very, very full on, and the odd small break to, say, go to the toilet, might be nice. My real question is this: is self-entertaining a learned skill, and if so, how do you teach it?

DS is an only child and as such gets all our attention, and, of course, thrives on that. We like to always pick him up when he asks, and give him attention when he is looking for it, and involve him in what we are doing as much as we can. Our theory has always been that if he feels perfectly secure that he will get love/attention when he needs it, that is the best way to foster independence. But sometimes I wonder if in our best intentions, we are not robbing him of the need to learn to self-entertain too. I mean, its easier and more fun to play with mum or dad, and we're usually available (sometimes he needs to wait), so why would he need to develop any other skills?

Just curious on others opinions and advice. TIA!

[Mugsy]

Thus too shall pass....
It's a stage. especially I have found at around 18months. I believe they learn by themselves when they are ready. Ds is 19.5 months and is already had a marked change in his ability to play by himself in the last two weeks!

[Ryatha]

I wish I could say that yes, they all will learn to play on their own. However DD1 never was very good at playing by herself, and still isn't very good at it, she still wants us to be involved with what ever she is doing, and is now 6. DD2 on the other hand will happily play by herself at 6 months (but loves us to play with her too)

Sometimes it is the personality of the bubba, some prefer company rather than playing on their own...

[amberj]

Thanks girls.

I keep hoping its a phase (and continue to hope I will experience what you have bueno), but I suspect its more of a personality thing like Ryatha wrote about.

Ryatha, did you notice any "improvement" in your DD's ability to play on her own as she grew older- I understand she has never been good at it, but are there times or ages she has been worse?

[girlonamission]

Hi amberj,

I too was hoping this was a phase however DS1 will be 3 very soon and he is still really bad at playing by himself. He has been like this since birth really - always a clingy baby, suffered terrible separation anxiety from around 6 months to 12 months, and always wants to be around me, DH or my mother if she's here. He did improve a little bit during the time he attended daycare (between 10 months and 2.5 years) but he is still quite a clingy child, and its almost like he's afraid to be alone. Very occasionally he might wander off and play with some play-doh or attempt a jigsaw on his own, however this is quite rare, and if he happens to see me walk past or if his attention is disturbed by one of us, he's really reluctant to continue on his own. I find it can be really demanding and draining some days, especially as I have another little one now.

I actually think in my sons case it is very much personality related rather than a stage, because already DS2 doesn't seem nearly as clingy as what DS1 was at the same age. He's a much more content child, happy to crawl around on the floor checking out whatever grabs his attention, whereas DS1 was NEVER like that. So I will just have to wait and see what comes of that.

I cant really offer any advice because like I said, he's almost 3 now and is still very demanding and clingy, but I'll be watching this to see if anyone can offer some suggestions!!

Good luck!

[Ryatha]

Ryatha, did you notice any "improvement" in your DD's ability to play on her own as she grew older- I understand she has never been good at it, but are there times or ages she has been worse?

DD1 got better when she was at daycare, as there were other children around to play with but as soon as I was around, she would want to play with us again. She has improved as she has got older and now that she is reading and able to use the computer we do have a little bit of a break. As bad as it sounds the only activity that she would do on her own is watch a movie, but most times she wants us sitting with her anyway you wouldn't believe how many times I've seen shrek...

The worst times were drop off at day care from about 8 months - 18 months. We ended up making a game of it with the carers, where we would count to 3 and 'swing' her over to their arms. In saying that she was clinging, she is an incredibly confident, happy smart child, she just doesn't want to EVER play by herself.

My mum has commented that I was exactly the same as a child, and I am rarely by myself for any length of time, I usually have DH, DD's or a friend around me all the time... So I just put it down to her personality. Hope this has helped

[~Kim~]

Hard isn't it? DD is 3.5 and only recently (I guess becaue my attention has to go to DS sometimes) gotten absorbed enough in her playing that she's happy to go off by herself. She has a fantastic imagination and is able to voice/gesticulate it well, but she too much prefers company. She's a very friendly child who just wants to be around people I guess.
I too am of the belief that if there is plenty of trust and support thier independence will come.

[Mugsy]

I don't think that labelling a behaviour or personality trait that is perhaps less than ideal for the grown up as 'good' or 'bad'. They are as they are, it's not good or bad, that's just our judgement and not at all helpful.
I'm not meaning to sound harsh - just something to think about.
Given time, support and trust they will seek some form of independence on their own time line - not ours.

[girlonamission]

I don't think that labelling a behaviour or personality trait that is perhaps less than ideal for the grown up as 'good' or 'bad'. They are as they are, it's not good or bad, that's just our judgement and not at all helpful.
I'm not meaning to sound harsh - just something to think about.
Given time, support and trust they will seek some form of independence on their own time line - not ours.

buenosveces, while I agree that judging out children is certainly not helpful, I do worry about my son and how he will handle something like going to school in a couple of years if he is still struggling to take part in an activity on his own. I hope he will form a little independence on his own without being forced to, but if he doesn't manage to do this before prep/school time comes, I really do worry how this may affect him. He's so used to receiving plenty of one-on-one attention, and when he gets to school, teachers just dont have the time or resources to offer this.

I hope I'm worrying about nothing, I really do. I certainly don't think its a "bad" thing that he craves our attention and needs a lot of interaction with people. But if there is anything I can possibly do to help him build his confidence and gain a little independence and teach him that its ok to be on his own occasionally, I'd welcome the advice.

[MantaRay]

I think it very much depends on the child. DS1 plays by himself a lot and has for a long time. DS2 however is 3 and always needs someone playing with him - if DS1 isn't there then one of us. I really think it's a personality thing and not something you can teach. Sorry - I know it's not what you want to hear. I can understand how tiring you are finding it. I find it easier being home with both boys than with just DS2.

[amberj]

I don't think that labelling a behaviour or personality trait that is perhaps less than ideal for the grown up as 'good' or 'bad'. They are as they are, it's not good or bad, that's just our judgement and not at all helpful.
I'm not meaning to sound harsh - just something to think about.
Given time, support and trust they will seek some form of independence on their own time line - not ours.

I don't think myself or anyone else on this thread labelled or judged their child's behaviour as bad. I said my DS was bad at playing on his own- but this is an indication of skill level (like, "he is bad at skipping"), not a judgement on it.

[Arimeh]

Jessica - DS was exactly the same, he got better at around 2.5 years old - I actually noticed one day that he was lying on the floor playing with his cars - I was astounded, he'd NEVER done that before.

Now he plays by himself, or with his sister all the time. Rarely does he ask me to play with him (in fact he usually tells me I can't play!) and when he wants company, he's happy to sit next to me at the computer and do some drawing and painting and just talk to me. I can't think of the last time that he actually asked me to play with him, and its something that I thought he would never do, he was so clingy and so NOT independent as a toddler.

I do think its a personality thing (and also maybe a first born thing too cos they don't have to share us with anyone?) cos DD1 has always been so very independent and has played by herself from day one.



Oh - and I still don't get the chance to go to the toilet on my own - and I usually have two of them at my feet. So instead of continuing to get cranky at them (cos it is bloody annoying) I now have books in there that I can read to them, so at least it doesn't feel quite so bad that they are in there too.

P.S. DS is 3 on Sunday - thought I would mention that so you have a bit of hope