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Thread: DD is very insecure, Help!!!

  1. #1
    Fire Fly Guest

    Unhappy DD is very insecure, Help!!!

    I must have the most insecure 3 1/2 year old girl.

    Im at a bit of a loss as to what i should do regarding DD. She totally freaks out if i go outside without her, she wont play outside by herself, if im gardening, hanging out washing or whatever she wont play unless i play with her. She will just either hang around or help me if i dont.

    We live on acreage and have done since she was born so we arent in different surroundings, and its not like i go horse riding when shes awake kwim. The only thing Dh and i can put it down to is the fact she had such a rough trot from 7 months to 12 months with doctors and hospitals. I was the one who was always with her, day and night.
    I thought she would have eventually grown out of it but its really starting to drive me crazy.Im starting to lose my patients with her and get quite cross at times. She gets absolutely hysterical when i go out.



    eg...the other day i said, 'ive just got to go put the pram back in the car then ill be right back', 'ok, she replied'. DS was sound asleep so i took advantage to do this while i had two hands free. I was out there which is just around the corner from front door, and i hear her peaking out, totally screaming my name. Well, Ds wasnt asleep anymore which really [email protected]@d me off.

    I dont know how to handle it anymore. Ive tried talking to her but it doesnt change things. She certainly isnt a intreverted kid, she is just insecure about me leaving her side.

  2. #2

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    Would it be possible to do a star chart or something with her? If she stays inside while you go to the car she gets a star, and then gets a prize? or maybe you'll play a game with her if she lets you go out?
    sorry im not much use, just an idea...xoxo

  3. #3
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    I assume she doesn't go to kindy yet or any kind of creche? Maybe this might be your answer. It will take some persistence from both you and the staff but maybe it might be worth giving it a go. If she's there and with other children to distract her might take away some of her insecurities if she sees that the other children are fine without their mummy's.

  4. #4
    Fire Fly Guest

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    Thanks Meg, dont think the star thing would work, shes to switched on for that kind of thing.
    Bec, no she doesnt go to kindy or creche, We do swimming, kindygym and we used to do playgroup. She's actually fine when we are out, its just at home that seems to be the problem.
    Im hopeing to start her at preschool next month as both kids are quiet ill atm with a cold. Ive left her with my sister and mother on the odd occasion and shes been fine.
    Never really realised that its just at home till now. Weird hey.

  5. #5
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    Hmmmmmm, I wonder what it is about your home that makes her feel insecure??? Has something bad happened to her in your home that would make her feel unsafe? Maybe you could try walkie talkies? Sounds a bit daft but maybe if you kept talking to her and she could hear you when you are not in the room with her it might make be feel better. Does she cry when your DH is with her and you go and do something else or is it just when you are alone at home with her?

  6. #6
    Fire Fly Guest

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    Bec, no nothing that i can think of thats bad has happened at home. The walky talky thing is a great idea though. Might make her feel a bit safe.
    She is fine when DH is home, doesnt freak out when i go outside. She's the complete opposite when his home. She spends all day with him and forgets about me, lol.

    In saying that though she wont go anywhere with DH unless she knows exactly where she is going and if its just up the road. Theres no way he could take her out for the day, she would totally lose the plot.

    I think with home it may be because we live in a shed, it has no rooms at all except the bathroom (if you can call it that) and there is no windows so this probly doesnt help because when i go out she cant see whats happening, kwim.
    We are in the process of putting walls up (bedrooms for the kids and us) and getting windows to put in. This should hopefully make all the difference.

    Thanks for idea.

  7. #7
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    Would she really lose the plot if he took her out? What if things that she liked were going on? Music that she likes in the car? Going to a park? Going to McDonalds? That kind of thing? Would she still have issues then do you think? Maybe you should try it, if she's distracted the whole time then she might not notice iykwim?

  8. #8
    Fire Fly Guest

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    She would be ok for a little while but then she would go ape i reackon. It doesnt bother me that much that she doesnt go with DH, its the being at home that drives me mental.

    Night time is a concern to as i still have to sit by her bed when she is going to sleep. Im sure that part of it is from being in hospital. Im hopeing the windows and the fact that she will have her own room will help. Dont think she will want to sleep in it though.

  9. #9
    Fire Fly Guest

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    When DS was born she had to stay with me during the day because she literally screamed the corridors down when DH tried to take her home to feed the dogs and sleep. She ended up going to my mums.
    I think at the time DH was stressed with the birth and all.

    Maybe preschool is the answer, ill have a fight on my hands there to though with leaving her.

  10. #10

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    Kerrie, the fact you have to sit with her to go to sleep isn't a big deal IMO. We have to go to bed with Evan for him to sleep also. I think its best to let them move onto the next "big Girl/Boy" stage on there own. Going to bed by them self is a HUGE thing & they shouldn't be pushed into it KWIM. Like toilet training. Its going to take just as long if you leave till they are ready as it will if you push them too early.
    Also when Evan first started with Preschool he became very clingy while at home at first. To the point I thought I should take him out for a bit longer. I couldn't go to the toilet with out him screaming at the other side of the door. From Wed to Wed he was by my side for atleast the first 2 months. It seemed to settle down as things settled down at preschool. Just remember when you do start her, don't expect her to be fine stright off. I know your not, but give her a few weeks where you go together & stay with her & leave together. Let her become familar with what goes on while you are still there. get her use to one of the teachers in perticular so she can build a trust with at least 1 that you can leave her with when you do leave her the first time. A good preschool wont have a problem with you being there with her every 2nd day till she is ready to be left. I was taking Evan for weeks & weeks before I left him the first time. Even if its somewhere you can stop in on your way out to places or on your way home for an hour that way she gets to know the place.
    I don't know what to suggest with the home issue. I am sure once things become a bit more normal of a house she will hopefully settle down a bit more. But just remember she did have a traumatic few months in her 1st year & she has had you as her main support from day dot. don't push her to hard to make her comforatble with you not being with her. look at what it was like with my hair & Evan. It bugged me to no end but it was easier to let him make the move to the next stage on his own. & now he doesn't need it to go to sleep. She will be a much happier & secure person in the long term if she can make the transition to "Big Girl" on her own as she is ready.

  11. #11
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    You will probably have a fight on your hands with preschool, but what Fiona has suggested is a good idea. You might find once she gains a bit more confidence in herself with going to preschool on her own eventually, that home life will change too when she realises that she doesn't have to have you in her sights all the time.

  12. #12
    Fire Fly Guest

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    Yeah i think i should concertrate more on what she wants than what i want. Its the same with me wanting to stop wrapping DS. Just because its what i want doesnt make it acceptable.
    Ill try not to stress about it so much and learn to calm down, thats just who she is and i have to accept that. It does drive me mental though.

    Still might try the walkie talkie idea though, or i might put the phone on monitor so she can hear me at least. Ill give it a go.

    Thanks gals

  13. #13
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    Welcome Kerrie, good luck

  14. #14

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    Kerrie,
    Maddy & I are super close... I was a single Mother with her & everything we did, was done together... When I was offered my job which was part time initially, Maddy went to my Mum's & it was fine, but then they offered me a permanent Full time position with a great wage so I took it & Maddy went to my friends, she had 3 kids 2 boys & a girl. maddy knew them all really well & actually had done playgroup & was going to 3 yr old kinder with the middle son... They often played together & my friend offered to have Maddy every day. Initially Maddy would cry a bit, but then started to settle in, but then she lost chunks of hair behind her ears & I took her to DR & they said it was seperation anxiety, I was contemplating quitting, but the Dr said that would just cause more issues down the track. So I was upset but kept working.
    Maddy was very insecure, if we had a birthday party for 1 of her kinder friends we HAD to arrive 5 mins early so she could settle in, or else she would cry & sit on my lap the whole time.
    She always wanted to walk to the local park, but if even 1 other child was there she would cry & want to go home... It made me angry at her for being so insecure...

    Once she started 4yr old kinder everything changed she has become the most out spoken, confident child & I am super proud of who she is now!
    She auditions for lead roles in the school plays/production etc!!

    She is very comfortable speaking infront of the class & the teachers constantly praise her...

    She still wont join other kids on play grounds unless she is with others as that's too daunting for her, or it will take half an hour of easing into it!

    Maybe preschool will do her the world of good, I honestly believe had I quit my job & stayed at hom with her she would not be who she is today!


    Good Luck, as i know how frustrating it was!!!!

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