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Thread: Having a Second Baby....

  1. #19
    Debbie Lee Guest

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    Sarah, I think it's soooo normal to have these concerns. I have several friends that are pregnant with their second baby and they are all worried about how they are going to have enough love to go around. Our first babies become our entire world so it's hard to imagine that another creature could have the same impact!
    My question is, do you feel like your parents loved you less than your other siblings? When I ask myself this question, it's an absolute no. I know they loved me the same amount (sometimes in a different way when you take personalities into consideration - but not more or less).

    The next baby you have may be completely different from Zander and you'll have no sleep issues at all!



    Also, with the c/s, an elective one may not be so bad. From what I can gather, your c/s with Zander was pretty horrendous (by the sounds of it, the whole thing was). They were probably pretty rough with you to get him out. Next time will be a whole different kettle of fish. My c/s was an emergency but it wasn't really that rushed. I really don't think I suffered any more pain that someone to tore when giving birth naturally. I SO understand why you have opted not to try for a VBAC. I swing either way.

    Anyway... just wanted to let you know that I understand (and often have the same fears myself).

  2. #20

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    Sarah

    I had an emergency c-section with Jack and in the end opted to have an elective c-section with Asha. I kept changing my mind between trying for a VABC and going for the repeat. In the end Ryan asked me to have the c-section because he was worried about losing both of us! I went with the c-section not just because of Ryan but I think him asking pushed me the way in my heart that I wanted to go. Emma was a natural birth but it was pretty eventful (induced due to high BP, vacuum extraction due to BP rising with each push) and I did try with Jack to do it again but because of his size (length really 57cms!) he got his head stck in teh wrong position for a successful vaginal delivery so we had the emergency c-section.

    I too have never worried about the love ... I have always loved kids! The fact that they are mine is even better Emma and Jack currently test my patience with their fighting but they bring so much joy and happiness to my life ... I so wouldn't be without them. Asha was the child I never dreamed I would have. I was finished having kids after Emma & Jack but then my first marriage ended and then I remarried thinking I wouldn't have anymore kids because we already had 4 between us. Then we started talking about it and realised that we both wanted at least one more and now she is here she is such a joy ... The older kids love her and she has really tied our families together. We are now thinking of another but first we need to get a bigger house and a bigger car ...we are full at the moment!

    I guess this hasn't really answered your question or put your mind at ease but I hope it helps to hear my story. Each birth is different and you will be fully supported no matter what your decision. It is hard to think about sometimes, like I know that next time I will have another c-section (if there is a next time) and that it will take me that little bit longer to recover as I will be that much older again.

    Good luck in your decision making ... you already know in your heart what you want to do ... the fear is just clouding it at the moment.

    Cheers

  3. #21

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    Sarah - your feelings are very natural, I was all over the place, one minute I wanted a baby next I didn`t all because of feeling like Matthew is going to miss out. When I fell pregnant I felt the same way I wasn`t sure if I should be over the moon or sad, I shed many tears. T

    Then I started bleeding and my twin miscarriage I realised this IS what I want, I DO want this baby who is a miracle and Matthew will not miss out, I thought back on my own childhood how my younger sister and myself were always together playing imagine their not being a sister/brother for Matthew to experience that.

    I also read Kelly`s article Loving Two and bawled my eyes out LOL but it really helped me come to my senses.

    I still often think will the first smile, first babble etc be as exciting as it has been with Matthew, I have found the time is flying with this pregnancy and I`m not up with the development of the baby as I was with Matthew IYKWIM

    The Birth, I don`t want to think about that especially if it`s another c/s which is quite on the cards if bubs is too big like Matthew with my CTP I need a little baby to birth naturally which I`m hoping to do.

  4. #22

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    I know we wanted them close together - perferably around 18months. It just seemed like a dream that it was going to happen, but now we will have to be happy with more like 2 years I guess. Still going to aim for the 21 months though

    I was terrified when we first started TTC. OMG - all these images started rushing through my head!!! But once it finally happened, I think I just became accepting of it all. The more people told me it was going to be busy, the more Iset my mind into knowing I could do it.

    I also thinkI didn't want to experience "the good life" again between babies. I can't really drink now to excess, cant party, cant do much expect at nap times, so I wanted to not have life go back to being settled - rather get it all out of the way at once.

    I knwo Jenna LOVES other children, and I think she would be great with a little brother or sister, so I'm not worried about that, and I personally think if you can introduce the next baby before the older gets too set in their ways, sharing time, love and toys is easier. My sister had a shocking time with her kids - nearly 4 years apart.

    I think you need to do what feels right for you guys - nobody else can decide that for you. And as for the labour - I was putting all that out of my head I think until I needed to worry about it. Its inevitable that you will go through a certain amount of pain, so I guess I figured what was the point getting stressed about it before I needed to!! Like you I was more relaxed about it - natural birth wise - but I still think it would be nice to have what I had wanted.

    Maybe you could set your mind on different goals. Like next time - OK, I'll have a c/s, but I am determined to breastfeed. Do YKWIM??

    You'll be fine Sarah - I think everything you are thinking about is completely normal, but all I can think about now is cuddling up with Jenna and a newborn having a nap in the big bed together. Doesn't it sounds nice??

    Fi

  5. #23

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    Not arguing anyone's point or decision here, just an FYI, but did you know that studies have shown a repeat caeser to have more risks than a VBAC? The risks overall are tiny but VBAC is a lower percent. Obs often talk it up though as they have indemnity issues on their mind and they get paid more for a caesar. Don't get me wrong, it can be useful in a life threatening situation, but some Obs don't always have your full interests at heart.

    Second births are always very different - you've been through alot of it before and while it can still be nerve racking, you often aren't as anxious as last time. I mean gee, my first birth left me swearing that I would get into hospital early for an epidural and I expected the same awful birth as before. But I had a natural birth and I would have NEVER expected that - if someone told me I would have had one I would have laughed in their face!

    Also, it's deemed an emergency caesar if the procedure happens during labour. Elective caesar is if you have the caesar before labour has started.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  6. #24

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    Definitely definitely not alone! I went through EVERYTHING you've mentioned, I worried that Paris would be the favourite because I'm so worried about 1st child syndrome, and I'd over compensate for the fact that things would be less stressful (emotionally 2nd time around) etc etc. I still worry about some of this stuff... We only just put the cot up (I know early for some) but we had sooooooooo much stuff organised for Paris at about 20-28 wks! This time we have hardly anything organised. I was worried that because I loved Paris sooooooo much that I didn't know how I could possibly share that with another child, and I didn't think it was going to be fair on her etc etc. AND THEN when we couldn't conceive I went through the whole guilt of not being able to give Paris the playmate so close in age, I look at so many others and whilst it is easier on the parent to have a bigger gap (initially) it is nicer for the kids to have each other to rely on iykwim? So when the 2 yr gap came and went I mourned it. I think no matter what you do you'll think you should have done something else, or you'll be concerned about their emotional state or yours. But I really do think it works out in the end, and my gf has always said to me you end up with the gap that works for you. And in our case it has worked beautifully! Paris has been so patient waiting for when she'd have a brother or a sister. And when SIL got pg with twins there were pangs of jealousy (for paris) and I think had we gone through all that without being pg ourselves and without being able to reassure her that there was going to be a baby for her soon too it would have been harder. You are a wonderful mother Sarah (As is Aaron a great father), and Zander is a beautiful little boy! I think you guys will be fine, and this is perfectly normal to go through! I went through it quite early, and then Marc didn't go through it till we were in the middle of TTC LOL! I think Zander will adjust really well to having siblings as will you guys having more kids, and there is always enough love to go around

    And when it comes to the age gaps... I think it also depends on the children as to how they adjust. Paris is sooooo easy going, I look back and I think had I had my kids closer together it wouldn't have made any difference, the only difference would have been on me (when pg). I personally like the fact that Paris is more independant and is alot easier to explain things to. BUT everyone is different as are kids and you will find there will be people who will give you for and against both ways.

    I'm a bit tired, so this is probably all mumbo jumbo LOL! I hope I've made sense. I just want you to know I know exactly how you feel.



    *mwa*
    Cailin

  7. #25

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    we really want to have another one close in age to Jackson as well. my main worry is the PND thing. i am fantastic and havent had any problems since jackson was about 4 months old, but i am scared to go off the medication and i am scared that i will be hit with PND again second time around and that terrifies me, i never want to feel like that again.

  8. #26
    Debbie Lee Guest

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    I don't blame you, Min. PND must be so scary!

  9. #27

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    Min, I was worried too, but there is only a 50% chance you will get it again - John took off 5 weeks after Elijah's birth (he had stacks of leave owing) and I found this was a lifesaver. I felt great with him there all that time (although he started to get on my nerves by then too LOL!) and when he went back to work I felt more confident. I am back on meds now since Elijah was one, but this is only because of my poor hubby having to work so much and hardly being here - I don't have any family support. So if you can work out a good support network, there's no reason why you can't do it

    With the personality thing people talk about with kids and how they will react to a baby - Marisa has a beautiful, loving personality, but like that article Sarah put in her post, 'A New Baby,' you can understand how a 2.5-3 year old is going to get upset and not understand why that now they have to share their toys (not want to share) as well as their mummy and daddy, and they can revert back to baby behaviour and things like that as a way they see to get the attention they want. I think the older they are, the more they can understand this and not be in that 3 year old mind and so demanding of attention at the same time as a baby. Perhaps having them earlier than this can be easier too, avoiding that time of not understanding, but I haven't experienced this for myself so I can't comment personally.

    They always tell you to make sure you still get one on one time with each child to avoid jealously issues, but for people like me, it's not much a reality when I wake up with them and go to sleep with them, with a hubby still working. So for some I think it can be an easier transition than for others. Just like everything, I think it all boils down to support or how supported you feel.

    Caroline and I were talking today about 3 year olds, she said she's done lots of work the last few weeks with mostly three year olds and she said she secretly has this evil though that if the agency calls her for some more jobs, she'd say yes, as long as it's without three year olds LOL!!!
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  10. #28

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    Sarah, I have had these feelings too. I love Kaleb so much that I worry about the next baby being not as gorgeous/clever/lovable. Everyone reassures me that you simply grow more love rather that having to divide what you have.

    We decided we wanted to have them close together because neither of us really enjoyed the newborn phase and found sleep deprivation really hard. Knowing that we want to have 2 children and that we have it ahead of us at some stage, we felt we want to get it over and done with while the memory is fresh, rather that get some sort of life back only to have it all taken away again, if that makes sense? Also I think Kaleb will be young enough to take it in his stride, rather that when he's 2+ and is far more aware of what's what.

    I too will be having an 'elective' (or as Dachlostar cleverly suggested, 'scheduled') c/s this time, and am quite scared about it. Last time I was just relieved to have him out and for it to be over, I didn't care what they did to me. This time, the thought of knowing what's ahead, especially the night before thinking "they're going to stick a big needle in my back and cut me open tomorrow" - how do you cope with that? But once again, I know I want to have 2 children, so whether I do it now or do it in x number of years, I still have to go through it.

    I'm not trying to say that any of this thinking applies to you... I just wanted to let you know that I have had similar feelings and this is how I am dealing with them. I hope you and DH come to a decision that's right for you...big hugs, I know how scary it is!

  11. #29
    jay+tyler Guest

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    i have to agree joe we hadnt planned our second i mean we had talked bout it but decided to try get bills and get married then i fell preganant which we looked at it as well they will be close together but lets get it over and done with they can grow up together then we will still be young enough to still do things when were older.
    sleep deprivation is a big killer and me and my fiance are buggered our eyeballs are hanging out of our heads but it can only get better (i hope)
    having parnter home for 2 weeks really helped considering i had a c/s which he went back this week but so far things havent been to bad
    i was talking to girlfriend today and she is thinking bout another baby same feelings as us all and as i said to her no matter how many peoople tell you that it will be fine its something you have to just go through yourself and then you will go ahh yeah it does work out and you find everything slowleyyyyy falls into place

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