Not sure what to tell her

[AnyDream]

When my DD was 3, the FDC lady's daughter's pet budgie died. So DD learnt about the budgie being dead because the family was dealing with it. I'm kind of glad now - i can see how tricky it is.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Personally, I think death is only traumatic because we leave it so late to introduce it to our children and make a big deal of it - I have NEVER been traumatised by death (and many of my loved ones have died). You don't have to be blunt and say "bird's dead, whaddaya want for lunch?" but it's a great idea to talk about it together NOW before the negative associations kick in.

I dunno, maybe I'm weird that I can see positives in death, especially when living means pain and suffering. But I can't see that it's all bad.

[pansy]

A few yrs back my sister rescued,from a cats jaws,a green tree frog.WIRES would'nt take him and she could'nt find anyone in our area to take him..so she decided to look after him. he had many a few vet visits that she paid for.

My sister has a god daughter who is now 5 and she loved "kermie" as we called him.

Unfortunately for kermie his bladder kept coming outside of his body..After a yr he was put to sleep.

My sister was so worried as to what to tell goddaughter who was about 3 at the time.They told her that Kermie had hopped away to go and live with his mummy again.She accepted this but would continue to ask over time...

I would suggest telling DD that he was better and flew away...It is a bit hard for little tikes to understand death at such an age...

[Tobily]

Another one in the tell the truth camp here.

For me, birth and death are a fundamental part of life. I am completely open with my three year old about pregnancy and birth - she knows all about how mummy helps ladies have their babies, she has watched beautiful, calm natural births on tv with me and I explain it all to her and she views it as completely normal.

I treat the topic of death in the same way - I feel it's important she understands it's part of the natural order of things that people and animals are born, and they die.
Recently my mother lost her dog unexpectedly that she has had for 12 years - DD has known and loved him all her life. She asked where Sam was and I explained to her that he got sick and he had died. That he wouldn't be at Ma's when she went there anymore because he had come to the end of his life with us.
She was remarkably accepting of it, she did look for him for the first day we were there but I kept gently explaining this to her.
I totally understand the intention is kind and good to shield little ones from death but I do often think it's because of our own fear of it's finality and the unknown that we tend to want to handle it this way. Being open with her about it forces me to think about it as well, and talk about it.

[Antheia]

I think i should add here that while i know DD knows that death means they won't be coming back etc I'm not sure i can have a conversation with her about it all. She is still a bit behind in her speech development so while i can say to her all this advice you girls have given me, she won't be able to ask me questions which i know she'll have. So it's a bit hard for me to explain it all to her and then she just say ok but not really get what i mean and so she'll be confused but not be able to tell me, if that makes sense?

[Rouge]

I know this is a personal question but does she remember your mum? Can you explain it to her in a similar fashion. In the end you know your daughter better than any of us, and if you think she's not ready thats totally your call. And you aren't a bad mother if you emelish the truth when you think its in her best interest. I was lucky that Paris did get it, and had she not I may not have done it the way I did. I do believe that all knowledge needs to be relative to age, and maturity (not that I'm saying she's immature but you know how some kids can mature quicker iykwim) and thats only something you can know. Try not to stress about it, I assure you its bothering you way more than its bothering her

[Antheia]

Cai, that's a hard one to answer. I don't think she does remember, mainly because we never speak about my mum. My choice, because it is just too hard for me to even go there, IYKWIM? I really don't know because since the day she died, Lily has never mentioned her. Maybe she just 'knew', i don't know...

[Rouge]

I understand that And I also think thats why this whole thing may be hard for you. Maybe its best for both of you (right now) to just tell her that the birdy flew away. There will be other times to discuss death, and I'm sure you won't shy away from the topic when its right for you. Mortality is a hard thing to face at the best of time but especially when its close to home its even harder, I know that one believe me hon *mwa*

[Antheia]

I think you are right. I didn't even click that it could be due to me not wanting to discuss death because of my mum. It makes sense now. Thanks. I am hoping though she doesn't ask again as she hasnt again yet.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

sorry 2 be controversial but i think telling her in a gentle way is a better alternative. my mother is a vet nurse and she never hid the fact that, in the wild animals don't always live long lives. it has not hurt any of her kids knowing this and i feel is beneficial to all involved, you don't have to lie and your daughter is taught about this by you rather than others that may not know how to talk about it with her in a calm and considerate fashion.

I think either approach would work. If you wanted to explain to her that the bird didn't make it (if thats the outcome) you could tell her it went to heaven and paint a picture of how lovely birdie heaven is and all the wonderful thing birdie is doing up there.